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Nothing happened. I am not certain if I am still included in this month¡¯s experiment. Will I? Tonight I shall seek the answers. Excuse my X-Fileish tone. ¡°Who wants to live forever?¡± God¡¦ Afternoon. Hot dogs. Out. Homework. Dr. Young. Short story. Dr. Raymond. Homework. Tammy. Crowe. Will. Opa. Danny. Me. Him. Breathe. Breathe¡¦in the air, deeply. ¡°Who waits forever anyway?¡± Received my tickets finally. I¡¯m a few days late, but I am testing. Only one time. How can one let go as a blink and breath? Not me. Never. Ever. Tomorrow will fly. Yesterday will never die. Goodbye. Goodnight.
Redundant? You really think so? This is my mind. What can you do? Do you think you will ever understand? Ever? No. Please do not try to know me. It won¡¯t happen. Alright? Took care of my business. Bought a nice camera. Spent about $110 total. Beautiful thing. Dong seng helped me choose. He told me what was good and I bought it. One day he would like one just like mine. I believe he will teach me how to function. I am not a camera person, but he is, so that is good. I cannot wait to take pictures.
¡°Dreams last so long, even after you¡¯re gone¡¦I love you...so you will see, you were meant for me, and I was meant for you¡¦¡± It¡¯s cold. Saw two people I knew. They didn¡¯t recognize me. Actually I only know one out of the two. Hmm. Not a big deal. Also recognized some people playing basketball. I just did my own thing. Ordered out. Watched flicks. Relaxed. Had laughs. Slept deeply. Rain poured. Thought and thought. Mind became stronger. Heart felt heavy. ¡°So you sailed away¡¦into a gray sky morning...¡± Received a good message. I sure did. Best I ever had¡¦
Lately when it gets busy I have some feeling money won¡¯t be that much. Just so so. Tables fill, but people leave small change. They think they are contributing, but it is nothing. New faces. Same orders. Nothing different. Could I go back to the time when I was hopping into that white rusty car without a care? With no fear? I thought the kings and queens ruled the world. Mine did. Influence. Leadership. Love. Junior Mints. Upside down. Running away. Coming back. White house. Home sweet home. Garden. Roses. Friends. Looks. Smiles. Kit and Kirongo. Team of opposites. Meoark.
Caught up. Moonlight mile away, hmm? Everyday keeps slapping me in the face. Nothing is getting done. Shit. It is time to snap out. Fuck. Hurry up please. Realize. Analyze. It is all down the road. Squint. Feel. See. I am almost there. Don¡¯t you know? I¡¯m waiting for a ride. I was assured it would arrive promptly, but I have been waiting more than usual. Mmm Hmm. Tucked in. Better these days. Effort. More than ever. Much determination. Hope you understand me. If you don¡¯t, ok, no problem. ¡°Tomorrow is another day, fresh with no mistakes¡¦¡± Gone in time.
¡°For a minute there, I lost myself¡¦¡± Took a spin and relaxed. Night went more entertaining than I thought. Saw a friend in another dimension. Months it had been. Laughed so hard. I was not supposed to be distracted. Woke up with ¡°that¡± image next to me. Pumping was fast. Precious infant protected me all night. Deepness I feel for that time. Dinner made me sick. Ran next to a guy I once knew. Ran like hell. Stomach about to pop. Just kept going. Determined to stop for nothing. What a day. It went until I dropped like a bomb.
Knee pained all day. Dr. Peck told me to take a break. I did not like it, but I actually listened. That is a first when given advice against me. Working with new girls. Miss Meagon. We were a team. I can¡¯t believe Kathy fired her. She was the best and most reliable that restaurant had. She knew that place like her own room. I received a phone call from her and we will get together on Tuesday for a productive reason. Yes. She¡¯s enjoying her free time. Good for her. I, on the other hand, am becoming busy. Sigh.
¡°Every me and every you¡¦¡± A perfect piece of harmonious duality. Worked two shifts today and will continue every Friday. I can¡¯t complain, it will help me get by. Saw familiar faces. Performed the entire bullshit concern. I only thought about the day we shifted furniture in an out of those two places. Damn, spilled grape vine juice on me. Is that a sign? Mola. Visited the precious rest area. Bloomed with pure white beautiful flowers; they waved with the chilled morning breeze. Sunshine blinded me in comfort and peace. How innocent and delicate it looked. Lured me immensely, intensely.
White-out. New vehicle for opa. Blue. 97. Nissan. Nice. Subway. Chili¡¯s. Office Depot. Shell. Bacardi; 6 of them. Thin line. Vamos a brincar aqui. Digamos un Sabado en particular. Two miles. Broken glass. No mail (until late). Two hour nap. Citrus. Cookies. Fruit. Salad. Zebra. Zoo Typhoon. Scrooge? RAM. Mouse? Web camera? (no!). Mixture. Haze. Blaze. Chips and salsa. Cell phone ringing. McDonald¡¯s. Movie dog. Photos. Waited for camera but it did not arrive. Passed out. Forgot. Confusion. Frozen tofu? Yes! Frozen! Thought of kimchi. Calls from there. Missed it. Wished I was there. Hoped for future. Please come soon¡¦
Woke up myself. Phone call was rather surprised. Prepared for service as Opa inserted more ram to this machine. Had some issues, but eventually got it going. Smell was unpleasant. Requested a new fragrance. Message given and received was powerful. Intense. Direct. White flowers blew through the breeze in harmonious melodies. Comfortable it felt. Watered. Praised. Asked. Witnessed. Read for several hours (nothing scholastic). Downloaded. Received a call from a precious woman. Moon cycles. Thoughts. Words. Comprehension. At least I felt so. Did as best as I could. Slept as if never wanting to wake. Shrunk. Bled. Wished, but knew.
Began the day by doing my daily routine. When I arrived to work my boss announced Friday¡¯s were granted to another girl. Alright. Whatever. Fled through the wind after 2:00PM. Prepared for class preceding my flee. Library meeting. Analytic problems scored high. I am glad I thanked my classmate for helping me. Otherwise, how ungrateful one could be. No mail. Veteran¡¯s day. Colored pens are running out of ink. Phone calls kept me busy before evening. Visited Mr. K; Thai food was made. Leftovers were tasty. Kept myself awake in pain. It ended when I took medicine and hot tea.
There is nothing I could do. Perhaps ponder and wander. ¡°Take my breath away¡¦¡± I rethought plenty of issues as I did my duty earlier. I sighed and continued. Nothing could stop me. Nothing at all. Bones felt heavy, ready to break. Still, it did not discourage me. You should feel the same. Stop worrying. Even if someone tried to attack me, I would keep going. I am speaking truthfully. Determination. Will. Walk forward as we all do. This world is so tough, but don¡¯t give in. It is full of surprises. Amazing how powerful a mind could be. Breathtaking.
Abandoned for some time. Excuse me, did I offend you? Had more realistic things to do. Forgot to jot dot by dot, line by line. Yesterday was the same routine. Managed a moonlight mile. Fucked up. I am human, you know? No one said we were perfect. Winter is coming slowly. ¡°Cover up sweetie, it¡¯s cold out there¡¦.¡± Span round and round until my head fell off. I am not sure how that quite happened, but it did. Used tongs to pick it up, and crazy-glued it tightly back on. Still loose, but I will survive for the time being.
Maegon did not make it to class. Not that it is a REAL class, but a class where we meet occasionally. Heavy duty stuff I accomplished. I was told ¡°good job¡± for my trying. Class was short and simple. Discussed Plato¡¯s ¡°Republic¡± and planned for the following meeting. Slept like a log all night. Phone call woke me up for an invitation. I accepted and dozed off to the deepest sleep all month. No substances, but pure rest. Craved intangible visions. Weakly crawled into pits of agony. Missed my love, as everyday. God bless our LOVE. Grow old with me.
Cleaned my place a little. Maegon came by to drop off an Avon book and let me borrow her hair gadget which straightens hair. It looked long. She also applied a hair ¡°anti-frizz¡± ointment which showed satisfying results. Forgot my hair was that long. Hangs down past half my back. Prepared for an event that I knew would make me melancholy. Arrived. Smiled pretentiously. Laughed. Drank like hell. Controlled the storms. Made phone calls. Opa showed up, but not to make an entrance, but rather to pick up his little sister. Played pim pong pam; lost almost every time. Ignored time.
Ring woke me up. Regretted. Ventured to the post office. Had brunch with opa. Picked up my vehicle. Dropped by Maegon¡¯s. Visited my lovely love. Double grilled sourdough. Slept. Read. Slept. Rambled on over movies and other entertainments. Serious discussion of people¡¯s preferences. Misunderstanding. Unclear. Don¡¯t tell me, how to be, cause I like some suffering¡¦¡± Tired all day. Exhaust to bust. Nothing got done, but Fall cleaning. Cleaning was not completed. Just some globs of spit spat. Skipped the usual routine; shouldn¡¯t have, but was immensely dead. Talked all night on the phone (like in my school girl days).
Nine months flew quickly. Took what I thought were pictures. Drove by 11th street and decided to eat soul food and drink margaritas. Ate slowly. Gazed at the empty seat in front of me. Wolves flocked around me. Felt disgusted and somewhat annoyed. Realized it was a mistake. Drank carelessly. Browsed uncomfortably. Pick. Poke. Sip. Arrived home with no recollection. Walked. Telephoned. Frantically lost control. Glad to be home safely, without the presence of hungry dogs. Wept. Unconscious for a black moment. Woke up after five hours. Concerns lingered. Spoke. Wished nothing of it. Forgot all about it. Sigh. Damn.
Work was work. Ran some. Mandarin chicken. Prepared for class. Adams was sick and he made it brief. So relieved, no energy to stay the full three hours. Picked books on Tragedy and set out. Bought tickets. Price-line was not as bad as I imagined. Saved myself about thirty to forty bucks. Not bad, hmm? That was that. Got that over with. Plans could finally be made. Tried to be helpful with a research paper. Watched ¡°Being John Malkovich.¡± Clever writer and producer. Chatted with Rob Jones as she typed up a storm. Drank milk and had heavy, painful dreams.
Typical day. Did my thing. Went to Tayebi¡¯s party. Lu Xia joined me. Performed a short play written by our ¡°brightest¡± classmate (the one who knows everything). I was Freud and¡¦I forgot who else. Our professor had a satisfied expression. I wondered if she had any idea how loved she was. Glasses were constantly sliding down. Everett attempted to repair what he could. Helped some, but not much. Classmates looked beat from the current semester¡¯s assignments. Saw many of them just as stressed as myself; thought I was the only one ¡°under pressure.¡± Not likely. The event was rather short.
Cereal for lunch, following powdered cookies.. Went to Wal-Mart for two hours. Tried to get contacts but it was a big mess. I let it go and had my glasses repaired. Walked off the calories from the cookies. Bought a small, simple watch. Returned home to do nothing. Felt incredibly tired and slept like a log until a phone call woke me. Negotiated about Sen, and joked about other things. Sen to Zero? Decided she was going to be given away to two nice boys. Did not talk too much after that, and collapsed into a deep sleep once again.
Kicked back and prepared for the film we watched in my Classical Tradition class. I had seen it before, but learned something new the second time around. I would have preferred ¡°Chinatown¡± though (since I have never seen it and am a Jack Nicholson fan). Curious of his role and of the movie¡¯s connection to Plato¡¯s ¡°Republic.¡± Burned enough to have two slices of pizza. Got rid of the damn sinful garlic sauce Papa John¡¯s gives out. Not only did the color look disgusting, but my feeling was of hundreds and hundreds of calories. Forget that! Resisted other tempting offerings.
Made another cleaning: this time a little more serious. Living room looked spotless. Left my room a tad unfinished: books stayed spread out on the floor because I knew I would be using them in a few days to begin my damn research papers. After clearing out went for a scurry. Wrote letters to loved ones. Drank a bit. Listened to music religiously, thinking and hoping¡¦ Thought about the many things I encountered during cleaning. Blue and green sheets, holiday cards, memorabilia, and every little piece of anything I had gathered that day. Felt envious of not being around then¡¦
No ring this morning. Dropped off letters at the post office, but missed the postal workers (Doesn¡¯t the post office close at 12PM on Saturday¡¯s? It was fifteen ¡®till, yet no one was in sight, and thought of traveling to the next nearby post office to send my package. Changed my mind after thinking of all the trips I would eventually make, and let the idea slide of me sending the package that day, but would rather send it Monday). Happy hour started early, and lasted all night. Learned something. Oh, DAY-ONE of photography. First shots were the most important¡¦
Disgraceful! I missed church! First: I was running late. Second: evening service was canceled¡¦? Journeyed to Houston all by my lonesome. Felt a precious spirit guiding me all the way. No fear. Nonstop flashes appeared. Ate delicious Vietnam noodle and egg rolls. Walked off a full belly at the Hong Kong Market. Bought the biggest kimchi jar available, and also grabbed pickled radish, miso paste, two stalks of green onion (they looked so fresh and sturdy!), bulgogi sauce, Chinese sausage, a can of plum juice (mmmm), and other small items for Mano. Got home feeling content. Good job I thought¡¦
My boss was bitchy all shift long. Ignored most I could. Jen and I did our part. Tips were lousy. One dollar per three people? C¡¯mon now, would ¡°you¡± like to trade employments? Let¡¯s think about it, they are university professors with doctoral degrees (not all are), and you make how much per paycheck? Oh, and you, you work for TDCJ, eat more fired food than your obese body should handle, and you leave this much for a party of 5? Oh, and you¡¦ medical employer? Bah, what a joke. I saw JFK at the circle. Class was somewhat painless.
Very cold and rainy. HKC was not an option. New guy (well, not new for them) showed up. Figured he was a rather strange fellow. Understood what Maegon had said about him before. Anyhow, as unusual as he seemed, he was ok. Wasted another day of what should have been research. One caterpillar phoned me, requesting my presence at two events. I did not promise anything for one, but for the other, did agree. Demonstrated good manners and appreciation. Pfft. Chatted several hours with my best friend. Spoke my true mind. Came through successfully. Glad I could help. Really glad.
The Ho¡¯s gave us BBQ ribs. Despite its scrumptious smell and taste, I decided to share it with whom better than Maegon. Coincidently, she had just called me before I had arrived home. Offer was taken excitedly. Also gave her kimchi, pickled radish, and Mexican candies. Swang by her place, and she gave me a celery stick with cream cheese and dates (tasty!). Broke my all-time record. Survival...? Just did it. ¡°You can do IT!¡± Researched for a while. Dozed off after a phone call. Ah, forgot to mention: beautiful boy was born today, but in a different time zone¡¦
Thanksgiving Day. Celebrated early consuming Beksoju for the accomplishments made during the semester (and for memories and respect). Saw many familiar faces. Emptiness and sadness overpowered me. Disguised myself as best as I could. Observed the others, and wondered about us. Sigh. Ate a variety of foods, drank sake, and constantly inquired over any assistance. Took pictures (but the first shots were my priority). Ignored the second event. Came home, heard my messages, and pondered over returning phone calls, but came to the conclusion that is was not necessary. Drank until falling asleep with the phone in my hand. AUGH!
Woke up to the sound of ¡°doo doo doom.¡± Water was out all night. Stomach burned the entire morning and afternoon. Could not even finish my usual; felt ashamed. Made kimchibap (my style!). Reprinted some photos (Wal-Mart¡¯s photo maker). Went to school for a non-distracted environment, but got NOTHING done; it was impossible to concentrate. Received a phone call from my leader; gave me strength. Wrote a letter to a friend enclosing the photos I had reprinted (should have sent them months ago). Nothing in particular after that. Loitering feeling of something. Origins are unknown, but they¡¯ve been there¡¦for sometime.
Must get a lot of work done today; no more bullshit, time is almost out. My room bothers me the most right now: carpet is filthy, empty bottles are everywhere, and books are scattered at all corners. I think I¡¯m sick of a lot of shit right now. Something has just got me! Really not sure what it is, but I am exhausted in thought. I can¡¯t wait for this fuckin¡¯ semester to finish. Damn it. Swim away, please. Give me a break to breathe. I cannot think now! Hopefully brightness will shine on me, God knows I need it.
The Tip Jar