I just happen to find this website again after 5 years. I wrote in November 2003. Reading my entries brought back many memories. I remember sitting at my computer with different emotions flowing from my brain through my fingers and onto the screen in front of me. I remember writing about how I was sad that my brother was a senior in college, would eventually get a job, get married, and move away. I sent him that entry today, it was very touching. He did in fact get a job, get married, and move half way across the world. Sigh.

Today I went on a trip for a group project. We ventured to the outskirts of Boston. It was beautiful!! There were trees and grassy areas. I kept thinking about how great it would be to take a walk between the trees in the fall when the leaves were yellows, oranges, and browns. Fall is my least favorite season, but that does not mean I can’t or don’t see the beauty in it.

This is going to be the busiest month for me. Tests, quizzes, lab practicals, three group projects, sporting events, and birthdays. I’m pretty sure I’ll make it.

One thing I hate about missing entries is that I can never really capture the mood I was feeling the day the entry was supposed to be written. October 2008 wasn’t open to write until after the first week of the month. Right now it’s October 23 and I’m writing for the third. I could tell you what I did on the third because it’s written on my calendar, but that wouldn’t be a true expression of my feelings from that day. Actually, I don’t remember anything about my feelings from that day. I guess this will have to do.

Today I was part of the most terrible pep band I’ve ever witnessed. Luckily, it wasn’t a real sports game we were playing for, just a hockey scrimmage with our team vs. our team. There weren’t more than 20 people who came to watch. Thank goodness. We didn’t have any low brass instruments. A trumpet player played trombone while using tuba music. There was a very limited selection of music we could play without our low brass section. Oh, we were just plain awful! I know our pep band isn’t great, but I was actually embarrassed by the performance tonight!

I can’t bring myself to study. I don’t know what it is! I guess I’ve just had enough of this studying business. Truth is, I’ve never been good at studying. Usually I stress out to the point where the only way to feel better is to sleep. Then when I wake up I convince myself that if I don’t do well on the test, it’s not the end of the world. Then because I’m nice and relaxed, I don’t care how I do on the test and therefore don’t study. It’s a terrible cycle and I don’t know change it!

My life is… happy. I’m glad that things are finally starting to work themselves out. Boston’s been my life for the past four years; it’s shocking to think that this is the last year I’ll be in school here. I’m afraid of the world and the unknown. I don’t want to leave what has become my home and my comfort zone. I often think about how I could have changed my past to have made me enjoy college more, but I think I’m finally starting to accept the way things are. I’ve overcome most of my troubles and… I’m happy.

I’m passionate about my religion and he respects that; says he likes that about me. But he is not the same religion. I wish it wasn’t a problem for me, but it is. Am I superficial to want to be with someone of the same religious belief? Am I superficial to question it even though he told me if we ever were to get married, he’d convert? It’s such an internal battle for me. I’m confused. We’re not even, “together” yet so I shouldn’t stress about things. But it’s good to be open from the start. Hope for the best!

I’m so tired. I think staying up late to chat with a certain boy is really getting to me. I couldn’t wait to nap all day and then things just didn’t work out. I thought I’d nap at 1:30, then I thought I’d nap at 4:15, and now it’s 7:15 and I just got home. I ate lunch at 2:15 so I’m not hungry for dinner, but I need to fast for Yom Kippur. I should eat something really quickly, but I’m just not hungry. This is going to make tomorrow a rough day. Oh well, I can handle it.

I’ve figured it out. I’m going to tell him that we can’t be together. I feel like a terrible person, but I know it needs to be done before our feelings get too strong. It’s better this way. I told myself I’d never put myself in the situation where it was possible for me to be with someone who isn’t Jewish. Religion is important to me. I’m sorry for doing this to you, I don’t want to hurt you. The earlier I do this, the better. I know you may not understand right now, but I hope you will someday.

I can’t help but to listen to this song on repeat. I don’t know the meaning behind the lyrics, but the music is so calming, so beautiful. I can picture myself cuddling with a boy on the grass, under the stars, during a cool summer evening listening to this song. When will I find this boy? Where will I find this boy? The boy who I can cuddle with for hours and not need to say a single word because we’re both thinking the exact same thing... that we’re meant to be together. Where can I find you?

Written 10/14/08.

Camping was good for the most part. I wish it wasn’t so cold at night. Cuddling and looking at the stars would have been much more enjoyable if my teeth weren’t chattering and if I wasn’t so worried about him being cold (even though he promised to tell me if he was). It was a memorable night and I’m much more likely to remember that, than the coldness and shivering.

It’s difficult for me to stay away from someone I have feelings for. I’m not sure where everything’s going to end up. I just hope neither of us gets hurt.

I was unable to sleep last night due to the minimal amount of space I had on the bed. I’d do it again if I had the choice. I got to spoon in the middle of two good friends. They make me happy. I love the way that they’re best friends; it makes me warm and fuzzy inside. At one point both boys were facing me with their arms around me. It made me feel loved. It made me feel happy. It made me not want to go back to school and back to the real world. But I’m back.

I guess ‘sad’ would cover it. I’m not sure the reason behind the sadness. Maybe it’s stress from classes, maybe it’s because I told a certain boy that we couldn’t be together because of religion. Maybe it’s because I’m back in my apartment and no longer cuddling with that certain boy. Maybe it’s because my stomach hurts.

“No wonder kids grow up crazy. A cat’s cradle is nothing but a bunch of X’s between somebody’s hands, and little kids look and look and look at all those X’s... and no damn cat, and no damn cradle.” –Cat’s Cradle Kurt Vonnegut.

Dear Certain Boy,

Today’s been the most difficult for me to find something to write at 100words.com. I’m not sure if there are too many things on my mind or too few. I'm sitting here listening to music before I go to bed and my mind is just drifting from one thought to the next. I'm not thinking about the lyrics, but the notes, the chords, the guitar strumming, the cymbals crashing. I sit here typing with my eyes closed, absorbing the music. It gives me chills. It makes me happy.

I think I’ve found my 100 words. Thank you.

Do you know what I’m not doing at this very moment? Studying. Why? Good question. Mostly because I don’t want to and I’m tired and I have band rehearsal in 2 hours. 2 hours would be a great amount of time to study! Think of all the wonderful things that can happen if I study for 2 hours now. I can go to bed after rehearsal, I don’t have to spend as much time studying Friday. Perhaps I can even go out Saturday night after Homecoming! And what should happen if I nap now instead of studying? Probably nothing bad.

I love my roommates, but they’re a terrible influence on my food choices. I like to believe that despite the occasional binge, I am a relatively healthy person (food wise). My roommates fry most of their food and always have chips, cookies and homemade brownies around the apartment. It’s so difficult for me to say no to junk food. I love fruits and vegetables, I really do. But when it’s fruits vs. chips, chocolate, cookies, and brownies the evils always triumph. I hope that by recognizing this, I’ll be able to put forth the necessary effort to keep myself healthy.

It's a, "cuddle up and watch a chick-flick" sorta night. I think I’m going to clean my room and watch Ever After. Then I’ll cuddle up in bed and finish the movie. I love being all warm and toasty in my bed watching a calm, slightly sad movie with a happy ending. I think it would be more fun to cuddle with someone, but I wouldn’t subject a boy to chick flicks. (Okay, maybe I would... but I wouldn’t force him into it, he’d have to be okay with it).

Tomorrow’s going to be a long day of studying. Boo!

I don’t want to study anymore. Am I confident in the material? Not at all. Am I stressing? A little bit. Having only one test (and a final) all semester is terrible! 35% of my grade is riding on this one exam. I feel like I know the material very basically. I have a general understanding of the concepts, but I probably don’t know any of the little details that will be on the exam. I’m trying not to stress out. I think I am more scared for the lab practical on Tuesday. 2 more days and I can relax.

I have a little bit of a headache. I’m not sure if it’s a lack of sleep or just not eating well. I really need to go food shopping. I’ll have time on Thursday. I need to stop eating so much junk food, it’s terrible. I’m looking forward to buying yummy, delicious, healthy foods. Some friends came over to study for tomorrow’s lab practical. We made garlic mashed potatoes and they were yummy. I’ll do a little more studying later, and hopefully I’ll be in bed before 10:00.

I can’t wait until tomorrow when my lab practical is finally over.

I am done!! My lab practical wasn’t even that bad. Although I have other tests to study for, I think I can relax for the rest of the week. Tonight I went to a meditation-like center on campus to relax and just think about life. The center allows you to dim the lights however you like and provides cushions to sit on. It also has a book for people to write prayers in and some religious leaders on campus pray for those people or their family members. It was a very spiritual place. I wish I had gone years ago.

My roommates and I carved pumpkins today. It was so much fun! We do hangout and play cards on occasion, but this was the first time we actually did a roommate activity. We all had a great time. It was nice to concentrate on something that didn’t actually require a lot of thought. I’m cooking the pumpkin seeds now and I’m positive we’ll be finding seeds all over the apartment for the next month. I’ve never had such awesome roommates before. I’m really happy with the way things turned out. I think it adds to my overall happiness with life.

-My favorite sound is wind chimes.
-I love science museums.
-I have mood swings where I can't stop laughing; it's my favorite thing ever.
-I’m very good at keeping secrets.
-I love surprises.
-My biggest fear is being perceived as a failure.
-I try really hard to never break a promise.
-I'm an overly emotional person.
-I think I could have been happier at another college.
-I've read from the Torah on 3 different occasions.
-I hate scary movies.
-My eyes are green, but no one ever notices.
-I’m not a confident person, but I'm slowly trying to become one.

My biggest fear today was missing my train. I could take the 12:15 train or the 4:00 train. The fact that lab ended at 12:00 made me nervous about making the 12:15 train, when in reality, it’s such a small and insignificant detail in my life. I made the train. I watched Scrubs with a certain boy and we cuddled. He sat on top of me and kissed me when I was unresponsive to his subtle advancements. But seriously, can’t a girl watch Scrubs without being distracted? It’s okay, I’ve seen them all before and kissing was much more exciting.

I can’t describe today in 100 words and do it justice.

I hiked through the beautiful fall foliage, shot clay pigeons with a shot gun, picked apples, made apple pie, made apple cider, brewed beer (or at least, learned how it was done), had a home cooked meal, learned to play poker, played drinking games, cuddled with three other people while not wearing pants (they were wet from the rain, honestly!), had a heart to heart with a good friend, did my first keg stand, cuddled with a certain boy, kissed a certain boy before falling asleep in his arms.

The ride home from NH made me think a lot about life, about science, about time travel. It makes me smile inside when he gets really excited and passionate about certain topics of discussion. I wish the ride was longer or that I didn’t have to catch a train home so we could have talked more. It’s been a while since we discussed anything and everything. I like being deep in thought and discussion, I feel like it makes my mind grow wiser. If only I could stop time in order to spend more time with a certain boy. *sigh*

The worst test I’ve taken in years!! I should’ve studied. Even if I was home all weekend I wouldn’t have been able to absorb the material. I don’t care about the healthcare systems in Germany, England, Japan, etc. I barely care about the one in the US. I’ve never taken a test and not opened a book beforehand. I feel guilty, I doubt I passed. I feel that my amazing weekend would have been stressful if I was worried about studying. I hope that I do well on the final to balance out whatever grade I got on this test.

"Tell me something you find fascinating," I said. "How sometimes touching you reminds me of playing a beautiful instrument," was his response.

Dear certain boy,
I can see it in your eyes and your weak smile after we kiss. I feel it when you gently run your fingers along my back. I know it’s there when you whisper, "you’re pretty" when you think I’m sleeping. What becomes of all this when you leave the country for two and a half months? You’re what I want and what I can’t have all in one. I don’t know what to do anymore.

I had a turkey burger, mashed potatoes, and broccoli for dinner tonight and it was amazing. The mashed potatoes were so creamy! I was a little worried when I made them last night because I didn’t have garlic. Last night the potatoes were just okay, but today they were amazing. I could write an entire entry on mashed potatoes. I think I’m addicted to broccoli, baked zucchini, mashed potatoes, and chocolate. I suppose there are worse things I could be addicted to. I got my roommates addicted to broccoli too. We have about seven bags in the freezer. It’s fun!

I miss you. I miss our deep conversations. Our long chats on fate, or love. I miss going through the day and thinking, “I have to tell you about this!” I miss you IMing me with my name in capital letters. I miss you calling me kiddo. I miss the excitement you had when your sister was coming home, or how you made me call you when I got back to my room after a drunken night, so that you knew I was safe (written 3/05). Happy birthday buddy. 10/30/86-3/4/05

I'll drink enough chocolate milk for the both of us.

I’m in a pretty shitty mood. I feel guilty for being in a shitty mood over such superficial things, which makes me feel even worse. I don’t like my haircut but I’ll get over it. My glasses broke so now I have to find some random place in the area to see if they’ll put them back together for me. My favorite and most meaningful piece of jewelry got yanked off my arm by the little metal piece on the door frame. I’m just so frustrated. Stupid headache, stupid… everything.

This isn’t how I expected to end this month’s entries.