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BY Z

06/01 Direct Link
One hundred words, and I've got more ideas then that. More ideas then words to express them inside and out.

One hundred words, there are lists that every high school graduate should know. But many girls and boys are scurrying to get their yearbooks signed and grades up just enough to not have to take that final.

"Give me five bonus points or I'm not coming to the final." You can't negotiate. Especially if you walk out of the room three minutes before the bell and call the teacher "THE C Word".

I leave but I'm coming back next year.
06/02 Direct Link
I am not new, but old. I need sleep more hours then I can count.

Screaming this might help, but I'd become more tired.

Like a baby, I sleep better after a good cry.

I'm writing a hundred words a day, then screenplays. June is such a busy month.

The girl I like in my head and within my dreams, is forever out of touch with my realities. Rejected in bookstores. Best friends, then again...

I'm paranoid that she thinks I'm too clingy. I'm paranoid either way. She used to jump on me on the couch. I sleep too much.
06/03 Direct Link
Oh, good. Nearly forgot commitments not so forgotten anymore. Turned to remembered just in times.

It's Three Oh Nine A.M.

Up to twenty-three.

Rain pitter patter splashing on my windows, it's too late for me to be awake.

I need to go to sleep, so let's put some more words in at a less counting rate... no I mean, this thinking and obsession with getting JUST a hundred words is time consuming.

I will not be graduating this year.
I work tonight.
Wednesday is my last day of my second senior year.

Wish I wasn't still paranoid about her. Goodnight.
06/04 Direct Link
I hate sleeping. You miss everything when you sleep. EVERYTHING.

Sleeping in on the last day you can make up a history test. I won't pass. Another class for third senior year.

I try to tell myself I'll never sleep again.
That's a lie and I know it's a lie.
But it's a nice lie.

Imagine if we as human beings could turn off the need to sleep? Well, and turn it back on. Or set our needs with a dial. "I'll be sleeping for three hours and be all rested up."

Three hours is enough for good dreaming.
Sleep.
06/05 Direct Link
I will make a movie about love.

I have made up my mind.

It will be cheesy and surreal.

There'll be heteros, lesbians, and asexuals.

People will break up and be ok with it.

People will fall in love and not be ok with it.

They'll marry people that they aren't always in love with.

It will star my friends and I will buy "costumes" at Goodwill.

I'm not sure but somebody might die, or be in love with someone that is dead.

I'm in love with the idea of obscure crushes.

I love the dictionary and movies on tv.
06/06 Direct Link
Where has all the action gone?

You see history and there are the fighters -
in a physical and non-physical aspect.
New racisms replace the old.

We need to march in our streets, in our small towns as well as our cities. We need to make ourselves heared by the people as well as the government.

You shouldn't need to search for ways to help change occur. It should be right there, out in the open. Just beyond your front door.

I need to see more in your face activism.
No comfortable cozy shit.
Not violent either.

Why aren't we moving?
06/07 Direct Link
Banana Smoothies. Non Dairy. Delicious.
Vegetarian Taco filling. I want vegan fajitas.

Haven't had sweet peppers or serious grocery shopping in too long.

Someone please build me a time machine.
I miss the past. I always miss the past.

If I killed my past self, my future self wouldn't exist to kill my past self. Thus, my past self would still be alive. Right?

I need more sleep.
I need more exercise.

I work Saturday and Sunday morning.
Sixteen hours.

Fixed the Sims. Now I don't feel like playing.
I should go to bed.
The cats sleeping where I sleep.
06/08 Direct Link
I'm on crack. Not really.

I need to get SOME sleep because I need to be at work before 8:30am.

I'm sorry I'm late.

I'll get coffee. Dunkins. I'll deal with the customers until four. Oh, I cannot wait until four.

Mom works eleven to eight. Maybe dad'll take me home.

I'll be tired no doubt.
INSOMNIAC.

I fucking hate ants.
I need a new desk.
Maybe I'll get one.
I don't think I'm going to PortCon.
I wanna be okay with that.
I wonder if I will be.
Probably not.
I wonder if she'll be relieved... no tag along.
06/09 Direct Link
this is makeup. yesterday i was exhausted today not so much. today my caffeine levels keep me going. i don't work until wednesday. two eight hour shifts on two consecutive days. Sobe energy drink coolatta. got a lot of donations. no new deask. maybe... i'll change my price range. a little. summer heat. no more groceries. starving. what the fuck. period death. not color blind. just gender blind. scared of ants. creeps me out to just type it. english as a second language. dialects. accents. pretense. pretty intense. teriyaki rice stir fry still hungry. what the hell. what the hell.
06/10 Direct Link
one two three four five six seven eight nine ten.

I want to write ideas, but I'm stuck in numbers.

twentyone twentytwo twentythree twentyfour twentyfive twentysix twentyseven twentyeight twentynine thirty.

Killing ants. Passing time. Paranoid about ants everywhere. Skin's crawling.

fortyone fortytwo fortythree fortyfour fortyfive fortysix fortyseven fortyeight fortynine fifty.

Fucking mess. Bleed less. Ragtime. Monthly. Ibuprofen. Hello kitty. Girl.

sixtyone sixtytwo sixtythree sixtyfour sixtyfive sixtysix sixtyseven sixtyeight sixtynine seventy

I am sick of this. Everything. Feeling. Feeling this, everything.

eightyone eightytwo eightythree eightyfour eightyfive eightysix eightseven eightyeight eightynine ninety.

More to life then this. So I've been told.

Savvy?
06/11 Direct Link
Love on your arms.
Right.
Trying out different Non-Dairy Frozen desserts.
All Toffutti is gooood.
and Rice Dream Bars also good.

Thumbs up.
Death by mint fudge.
Banana extract.
My fridge is no longer empty.

Hoover flags
prove my
success at the grocery store.

Bananas.
I still have something left.
And no pockets in my skirt.

I hope I have my days requested off.
I hope I get the days off in July.

I need to start reading House of Leaves again.
Not near finishing. Damn.

So many things
I want to do.

Will I ever get to do them?
06/12 Direct Link
Road trips. Back flips. Hair clips. Water drips. I'm tired. WE'RE DUMBLEDORE'S ARMY! I need to get this shit done and then I can go to sleep. On with it! Kirk Cameron publicity whore. Truth is Bananas aren't so special anymore. I need to read. Less caffeine. Less spending money. More reading. Less sugar. More sweet bell peppers and vegan butter. Spinach tortillas. Minty Non-Dairy Frozen desserts. Simulated Sex. Clorox disinfection. Wipes with no bleach. Don't forget to punch in. In love with Jewish men. In love with Dustin Hoffman. Jewish? I hope so. Moblog. Razr. LJ Death. Strikethrough. SILENCED.
06/13 Direct Link
Tim Brown introduced me to wilco. I thought Tim was cool. I kinda wonder what he thought of me. Getting sucked into that crazy "girl, interrupted" mentality. Sometimes it's fun. Other times its a headache. Selba Dea: You're not buying your kids that coolatta! Janie: And why not? Selba Dea: Because if you do, I'll kill you. Seriously, when you come to pick them up I'll kill you. Janie: What wrong with - Selba Dea: The ADD twins do not need to be caffeinated!!! They're bouncin' off the walls enough as it is. Janie: They do not - There's more. Script Frenzy!
06/14 Direct Link
just so as i'm covered.
i'm writing this now, ok?
five words at a time.

need to find pattern for
a babydoll dress - for portcon.

saw mr.brooks with dad tonight.
after happy china buffet dinner.


panabaker sticking costner with scissors.
and it's only a dream.
movie kinda went nowhere. savvy?

gaiaonline film festival. whats up.
only two films actually follow
the guidelines. can't anybody read?

now it's time for nonsensical
buisness ok? like screaming nothings.
"i'm sorry for, blaming you -
for all the things i
just couldn't do." i love
that song. i'm down to
my last five words. savvy?
06/15 Direct Link
Yeah. My internet isn't working. So I'm on my mother's computer. I'm dead fucking tired too. Ethernet not long enough to reach into my room to my computer. Wireless thingy not working. Good thing I'm tired, or else this would really fucking bother me. Ok. I suppose it still does. Oh well. Blah Blah Blah. My mom is eating a sandwhich. Peanut butter and Banana sounds gross right now because I ate all my mint fudge vegan icecream. And also, I'm getting ready to eat a roasted onion boca burger. Wurd. Going to sleep and wake up tomorrow morning. Savvy?
06/16 Direct Link
Tired. Everything I accomplish feels like a failure. Dreams about hugging a man for "saving me". Big hug. Made me feel nice. Thanks and accepted. Where is that all in my real life? Gone. Gone baby gone, the love is gone. That's nice, having someone you can depend on. That's a guy. I couldn't ever do that with a girl. Be comfortable, feel safe. I like men when they keep me safe. Otherwise - I don't like anybody.
06/17 Direct Link
I hate it when it's said LIKE THAT.
Like it's something purely biological -
like there ain't nothing else.

I don't like being thought of as a vagina.
I don't like thinking of guys as just a dick.

Despite all my fears,
I'm holding out for that crazy little thing
called 'love'.

I'm not going to just lose it to some guy
I barely know.
Maybe I will wait until I'm married.
Maybe I won't.
Maybe I won't get married.

What's all this?
I need a hug.
I need someone I can depend on.
I hate being dominant.
Hate it. Savvy?
06/18 Direct Link
Here is my heart.
It's a bloody money part.
I know not how to act.
Venus envy got a new comic entry
and it's amazing like all she's
made before.
I miss them good ole Ellsworth days.
Now it's such a blurry haze.
Phasing in and out.
Freaking out.
Intervention, fuck detention. Lacks pretense,
and full of suspense.
IOU = I owe you. All apologies.
Days in which I loved Cobain.
Sneaky reading the bio of him.
And my heart was broken. By the ones
that made me feel so safe inside.
I also kept myself down.
I don't know. Savvy?
06/19 Direct Link
Stabby fucking Stab Stab Nothing. No patterns. Damn. Actually I found one. I'm getting sick of this whole shitty shit. TIRED TIRED TIRED to the point of near Passing out and then I regain uber consciousness Only to be reminded YET AGAIN that I probably NEED to sleep. Not sure about the portland trip. No one IS GETTING BACK TO ME. It's honestly so pissing me the fuck off. But I'm just being uber paranoid schizo crazy bitch cunt face. Two cents. Nonsense. Weak. FRIGHTENED. freaking out. paranoid. RIGHT? RIGHT!? help me. i'm going to neeeeeeeed IT. Help, you dig?
06/20 Direct Link
i'm a nineteen year old girl.
i'm getting old in my young age.
i'm obsessed with Wrock and harry potter.
i'm vegan - for real.
that means i don't wanna eat yer mcDeadcow.
i doodle/write/and dream a lot.
i freak out easily.
i have drinking problems and a problem with drinking.
i vote.
i heart making fajitas.
i'm a bit of a sodium fiend.
i own more musical instruments
then i know how to
play. let's start a band.
i'm so tired. so
of this place. tired
la. of fucking around.
ron got a howler.
hogwarts tonsil hockey team.
06/21 Direct Link
get on the knight bus baby get on the knight bus there's a kreacher creature feature that you might still hate. little ingrateful bastard. hermione is trying. no one is listening!!! little miss winky winky winky wink don't need another drinky drink drink. will someone please take away that butterbeer? she's just gettin' drunker and still so full of teears. so yeah please keep her away from the butterbeer or she's liable to be a danger it's so sad that freedom is such a stranger. house elves oh i just wanna set them free. do i wanna? yes i wanna.
06/22 Direct Link
Here are my one hundred words for today. I'm in Grey and am going to portcon. I just watched "The Childrens Hour" with Audrey Hepburn, Shirley McLaine, and James Garner It's weird - thinking about all the films I've never seen. And also, considering the amount of life people have had before you were ever born or ever knew who they were. I'm not sure of what else I should write. Hmmm. I'm tired as hell. Not as tired as yesterday, though Haven't done any additions to the Script Frenzy script. Bleh. I'm off to to whatever. . . hope I see Mina!
06/23 Direct Link
do not want. do not want. do not want. do want mina. do want mina. do want mina. do not want. do not want. do not want. buuuut. i do want mina. i do want mina. i do. slytherpuff hufflerin outside out and inside in. do not want glomp boys to grab my breasts. do not want glomp boys to refer to vaginas as tacos. sick sick sick. this shit is sick. do not want do not want do not want epic fail epic fail do not want don't touch! go outta my mind. just wanna forget please let me
06/24 Direct Link
fuck don't leave me here. why the fuck would you leave me here?(13) for a son that turned twentyone you'd leave me here.(10) you said and then you changed it. last minute.(9) fuck you and your precious little boy. like he's never had a drink before.(14) fuck you and him. and so what if you were up later bringing me up to walmart and borders.(19) if you hadn't been a stupid liar. where the fuck would you have been at a decent hour? asleep.(19) you asshole. you jerk. i'm worth less then bottles of beer. thanks and go fuck yourself.
06/25 Direct Link
oh gone excitement, its gone. three days of fun now done. alone again. barely a dollar to my name. work sucks. fuck this shit. i hope i feel better soon. fuck this shit. i hope i feel better soon. am i at one hundred yet? am i? AM I!? i am tired. no cable. sleep. one two three one two three. oink oink oink why did i write that? i am losing my mind, i am falling asleep. that is why. fuck fuck fuck 100 words words. meanings what help i am slipping away into dreams about dreams about dreams.
06/26 Direct Link
bento box. buy rice lots. do you like my chopsticks? just a hop jump skip i am not sure what you are talking about. i am not sure what you are talking about. i am not sure what you are talking about. i am not sure what you are talking about. i am not sure what you are talking about. or maybe i am. tired again. what the fuck. help my head. help my head. i am not sure what you are talking about. i am not sure what you are talking about. am not not not not. um. savvy?
06/27 Direct Link
I am crazy. I need to write. I am crazy. I need to calm down. What the fuck. I am crazy. Life is this weird, nearly meaningless thing. I cannot cheat. I cannot cheat. Am I cheating? Am I cheating by being busy? Can I please get some professional help? Help me please. Help me. I'm fucked up. I'm fucked up. I need to calm down. Why is everyone leaving? Calm down. I need to calm down. I am calm. I am just wanting to freak out. But I cant. Cant cry neither. Why cant I freak out?
06/28 Direct Link
So a father tells a girl hell pick her up if she is ready to go at this time. He calls her back offering another form of less favorable transportation because he decides its more important to drive three hours five hours earlier to buy his sons first (legal) beer. So a father tells a girl hell pick her up if she is ready to go at this time. He calls her back and offers another form of less favorable transportation - from her brother. Father tells brother girl will give him $20 for gas. Girl does not have $20. Noride.
06/29 Direct Link
Thankies thank you watch me watch me watch you draw a pretty picture dont want to have to lecture, knit me a pretty sweatshirt have a wonderful day, sir. One hundred words is so much. One hundred words is not enough to bring him back. You think someones ok, but how do you know what to say even if you knew they werent? Too many words and not knowing how they fit right. Sleep tight - loosen up youre alright. Hug you close but your gone and even if you were here, its scary thinking I might have found you. Nightmares.
06/30 Direct Link
That last time was about you too. How come I keep thinking about how I wish I could save you? I barely knew you. Bus riding - I just remembered seeing you on the bus not so long ago. Ago seems like forever now. I wish I could talk to you. I might scream - beg you to be alright. You knew how to be, when I saw you. How are you gone? How is this possible? I am being selfish - I apologize. I want you BACK in this world. Its less of a place with you gone. Please. Please come back.