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I just had my haircut a few hours ago. I think I almost fell asleep as I sat in the barber?s chair with his mechanisms of destruction poised above my head. Well. I sport a weird haircut now. I?ve been telling myself to change my hairdo but never ever got to asking the barber. Maybe I was waiting for him to ask me. Right now my guitar has it first string tuned to a D and I just succeeded playing that famous piece by Pachelbel on it. I?m contemplating now what to do tomorrow. Only two lessons on. Oh well.
It seems so far away. Happy days where my burdens were light, when things didn?t matter that much. Days sped too fast and it all passed in a flash. Now everything seems different. I loved those times where I could swing as high as I liked without feeling awkward. I loved the sand at the beach or the playgrounds. I loved the wind in my hair when I ran, ran so easily with unburdened feet. Where my cares were little, my responsibilities not great. Going back to those times seem so hard. So futile. Like a past dream now broken.
I should write a letter one of these days. I can?t remember the last time I wrote one. It seems I almost don?t recognise my handwriting anymore. It?s all so mechanised now. The scratch of a pencil on lined paper is a sound I hardly hear now.
There?s the excitement of waiting for a reply. Not knowing when the letter would come. It?s a nice surprise to open your mailbox in the morning and find a letter hand-addressed to you. It?s a present just for you. It contains the sincerity of one willing to write all this just for you.
Got burnt and blistered in the lab today. Good thing it was only one finger. I didn?t know it would be that hot. (Okay, so it was metal heated up by a (more than) 500 degree Celsius flame) Someone dropped copper sulphate in and it was burning at the sleeve.
Got blistered immediately. Damn that hurt. Ran it under water until I realised it didn?t do much other than make it feel numbish. Walked back to class lamenting and poking at the blister, it hurt. Now it has this funky tingling feel to it when I touch it. Stupid me.
I?m too bloody selfish. All I care about are my own problems. I never get to look at the big picture they keep talking about. I just want to sulk in my little corner waiting for someone to turn their attention to me. I whine too much about how my life sucks. I never see how others are worse off then me. I never get out to where I feel out of place. I never bother, I?m too scared, too weak, too proud.
I?m just too damn selfish to think of others.
But I try to change. Or maybe not.
I need to chill out. I think someday I?ll rent a deserted island for a day and sleep without interruption for a long, long time. I need a day off where I can walk around without my watch and without my handphone. Won?t that be great?
I just walk around aimlessly without going anywhere. Just enjoying myself doing nothing in particular. How fun. Then I can watch the people milling around me and act like them when actually I?m not doing anything really important.
But for now I have to get back to my little world of schedules and deadlines.
The shadows of my past are haunting me. Like vestiges of clouds in the night sky after the sun has set. They lurk around the corners of my mind threatening to overwhelm me at any moment. Thoughts I wish I never thought and words I wish I never said. They?re all coming back to me. I need to rebuild my life from scratch. Go back to the start and forget that anything ever happened at all. Get brainwashed so I don?t have to remember all these. I want to give it up, but it keeps knocking on my conscience?s door.
Last minute panic
Oh crap. The camp is tomorrow and we still have a lot of stuff to prepare. I sure hope it goes well. Gah. No lessons for three days. Stuck in the middle of Sembawang for three days. Guess I?ll now know how it feels running a camp. They said no pumping this year. Will they be annoyingly belligerent or well behaved? That leaves me to find out tomorrow I guess. They?ll never experience what my batch experienced two years ago. For better or for worse. Who knows? I?ll be back again in two days. See you then.
Today was inspiring. It?s amazing it went past so quickly. I guess much of my fun came from shouting at some of my juniors. Well, today went pretty smoothly. They weren?t as too bad ? well, it was their first day after all. I?m just glad they didn?t give us the evil eye. All the games and activities, I guess most of them were quite enthusiastic in playing ? maybe a bit unsure, I guess we would have to give them time to adjust. There?s only two more days. No pumping in this camp though ? it?s amazing they?re this orderly. Thank goodness.
The teachers said we did quite well yesterday. And I thought we would get screwed. Day two of the camp today. It?s quite fun being a student leader I guess ? but not when you go around all day carrying a fat Ziploc bag. Went around during the Race teaching cheers and slowing groups down. CIP was interesting, juniors seemed a bit unsure about mixing with the kids. Campfire totally rocked. Or at least that?s what I thought. Song, dance, games. All went quite smoothly other than one. Bounced back pretty quick for that one, I?m glad. Three cheers for everyone!
It?s over so fast. It seemed just yesterday I was helping to prepare the games and items. Two and a half days of fun, sweat and learning ? for me and my juniors alike. It was a great experience. But now I have to be back here in front of my computer again, back to school again. I wouldn?t have mind staying back at the camp for a few more days.
Thanks for letting me help, you don?t know how much it means. But I want to do so much more then just walk around treating injuries. That?s no fun. Please.
I met Impossible on one bank of a raging river one day. I could never forget his face, it was the most handsome face I ever saw, his hair waved in the wind and his eyes shone with benevolence in the fading light. He whispered words to me, asked me to stay. I was torn between home and him. He stretched out his hand to me. I started running, inhaled deeply, and took a leap of faith. I landed on the opposite bank, turned back to see Impossible drowning in the white waters.
I walked home with Possible that day.
I?m a pile of notes fresh from the photocopier.
I?m a grape in an overflowing vineyard.
I?m an atom of hydrogen in the sun.
I?m another head in the crowd.
I?m just another person out to look good.
I?m a pool of blood at the crime scene
I?m the dot on the i.
I?m the moon in the late morning sky.
I?m a sudden scream in the middle of the light.
I?m a strobe light.
I am light.
I?m an awkward silence.
I?m a chance of luck.
I?m bound by my past.
I?m a jerk.
Therefore, I think.
I think the world seems different from the bus. In the day you?re trapped in this container with a dozen people you don?t know and you?re staring at the light filtering through the slightly tinted windows. Too unreal.
But when it darkens outside, or when it rains, there?s this comforting feel to being on a bus. It?s as if you?re suddenly connected with your fellow passengers. There is a certain translucence about the fluorescent lighting in the bus that sets you aside from the darkness outside. It?s just comforting to be in a vehicle, safe from the darkness and wetness.
There once was a boy whose face was too green. Way too green. His schoolmates did not like him because of his face. It was too green you see. They all stayed away from him and he had no friends in school. He had no one to talk to, and often, when he went home, he would cry and cry and cry. One day, the boy with the green face grew up to be a man. He still had a green face and people still avoided him. He decided to jump off a building and die.
His blood was red.
All of a sudden there are ten planets in the Solar Systems. Billions of dollars are going to go to waste again when NASA decides to send a team there. Like, wow, a planet, we have to go search for aliens!
Okay, it?s for science?s sake. Fuck science. There are people out there dying, if going to some plant can make you find a cure for hunger, sure, go on. Screw the movies and the architecture. Aesthetics can wait, cuisine can wait. Go out to Africa and dump that few million dollars for LOTR there!
You?ll make a happier place.
I wonder what other people are doing.
Waltzing to the Blue Danube?
Writing the next bestseller?
Walking down the street in a ravishing red dress?
Waiting for the next passenger to hop on his taxi?
Sleeping and dreaming of building her dream home?
Talking frantically into the phone?
Running in a park?
Drumming his fingers on the tabletop at MacDonald?s?
Eating ice cream with hot fudge and dripping it on his serviette?
Falling down the stairs?
Shaking hands with a stranger?
Eating an early dinner?
Opening the door?
Thinking the same thing as me?
I was just walking around the campus at two am in the morning. As if some painter took up a brush and painted everything in dark blues and off whites.
However, I noticed the bricks. Rigid, yet somehow versatile. The colour was one, yet of many. Shades and hues of reddish brown in the twilight. Some lighter than others, some darker, stacked in an organized array.
They look different at night? or maybe they just choose darkness to bring out this quality. Unlike daylight, I never notice them in the day. They all seem to be of one colour only.
A man called dread came up and knocked on my door today. I ignored him and burrowed into my bed. But he sent sunlight and another man called dad to wake me. I stalled at breakfast but commitment dragged me to the door. It wasn?t only dread though. He came with opportunity. And the both escorted me to where I was supposed to go.
A female figure, relief led me into a lesson where I sat beside boredom and on my left, distraction. Four hours passed quickly and dread met me outside the door again. Opportunity was always there, though.
I passed by a playground today early in the morning. Empty like a book without it?s pages.
Swings are enchanting things, no matter how old you are, they still have the magical attraction they had when you were six. There?s that surreal quality of the air that rushes past your ears as you?re flying suspended by a seat and two ropes. The moment of exhilaration as you reach the highest point of the swing, snatch a glimpse of the surroundings and let go as you fall towards the ground again, but never hit it.
Tune to D?
Back to E
What the heck.
Down up up down up up down up up down up down up
Down up up down up up down up up down up down up
Down up up down up up down up up down up down up
My tongue is a mixture of sights and sound and I am slowly going mad. The world passes me by hand in hand with a large red rabbit, it tells me it isn?t red but an extremely unnatural shade of green. I can see my nose from a mile away, it?s a weird sensation looking at yourself from the air. It?s sorta wobbly and unstable. I never knew that the pretzel could make me jump so high. Or maybe it was the sixteen strawberry sweets I ate this morning while studying with Shawn. I wonder when I?ll wake up again.
Whoa. I don?t think I?ve laughed that much in a very, very long time. That was totally the most hilarious play ? or basically about the most hilarious thing ? I?ve seen so far. The Complete Works of Shakespeare (Abridged). Stupidly funny, and plenty of obscenities ? which added to the laughs anyway. And I want to watch it again! They rapped Othello, they made Titus Andronicus a cooking show, they weave the histories into a football match, condense all sixteen comedies into one, and as a last act, do Hamlet, Hamlet on fast-forward, Hamlet on fast-fast forward and Hamlet on rewind. w00t!
My letter to the world. (Tentatively to be scribbled on a flattish pavement in pink, blue and white chalk)
Hello world, just wanted you to appreciate my handwriting once more. I think I?ve been typing too much recently that?s why I?m writing here in two inch high letters now. I need to practice my penmanship on something real and something I can touch. Chalk is a nice change from plastic and pixels. I like the powdery feel between my fingers. I wonder how long this will last before someone comes along and screws it up. Darn. I?ve got mail again?
I have difficulty remembering yesterdays. Or sometimes I can?t tell the difference between days. Schedules are too similar. My life is too well planned. I want something odd, fascinating and more fun than this routine. I want my canvas in reds, greens and oranges instead of black and whites. Even a bit of grey area would do. I don?t want to wake up tomorrow unsure of what happened yesterday. It?s a waste of my life if I have gaps unfilled in everyday. I want to wake up knowing I?ll never forget yesterday and not knowing what will hit me today.
Everyone has a conscience. Most don?t bother to listen.
Everyone has a voice. Most don?t bother to speak.
Each of us has patience. Some don?t use it.
Each of us has a dream. Few pursue it.
Bound by the restrictions and scepticisms of the world. They figure: why fight for individuality when you can be a sheep? Why be a person when you can be a crowd. Why use your brain when you can share one with another. Why speak when you can lip synch along to the tune of the crowd? Then again, what does another sheep know?
We forget too easily.
Landscape, faces, windows, street names, colours, places. Walking from place to place staring at your feet and making sure you don?t bump into others. The landscape just glances past your eyes and leaves a faded image at the back of your brain.
The details worn with neglect and apathy. Colours of the carpark, the apartment blocks, the skyline blend and wear into one another, a confusing swirl of colours and shapes, twisted and warped like rain on a canvas. Voices whisper into our ears and slide into the cacophony of the urban orchestra.
Take a look.
The end of the week draws near. Oh well. There are nine more hours till school starts and I?m rushing all my homework now. This is such a bad, bad idea. You know you can?t trust students at home for 7 days.
Seven complete days.
Now my mind is full of crap like rhetoric, Aristotle, Martin Luther King Junior, heartbeats, transverse waves, absolute values(nothing to do with my homework but I decided to read up on it. Bad idea to put my maths textbook beside my bed), water, handball and some other crap.
And I haven?t finished my homework!
Great minds think different.
Out of sight, the heart grows fonder.
All that glitters may just be glitter.
Curiosity almost killed the cat.
Half an egg is somewhat like an empty shell.
A heavy purse makes a heavy heart.
Fight fire with water.
If you can?t beat ?em, don?t bother.
Familiarity breeds contentment.
A miss is not yet a mile.
Idiocy is also the mother of invention.
Seek, and maybe find.
Those who live in glass houses, should throw stones with caution.
To err is human, to forgive, slightly inhuman.
Walls do not have ears.
Watched pot will boil eventually.
Wednesday's child is full of woe.
I?m not sure whether that accurately sums up my life. Resigned to the fate that I was born on one fateful Wednesday at the turn of the century and choosing to live my life according to the words of a nursery rhyme.
That?s me for you. I?m an emotional elevator. One moment I?m on Cloud 9 and another moment I?m drowning in River Styx. I really should learn to swim. Then I?ll be paddling around in River Styx. Not a very pleasant thought either.
I overestimate myself sometimes.
I?m too introspective. (I told you.)
I?ll go slightly mad for three seconds to celebrate the end of the month.
*Goes slightly mad for three seconds to celebrate the end of the month*
I had a café latte the other day, after a long, long break from coffee. Felt really nice, except that it was cold. Okay, so I ordered an iced latte. Anyway, the taste was nicely bittersweet likened to that of an iced latte, of course, inevitably, I was drinking an iced latte. I think I added too much sugar though, the lady said it wasn?t sweet so I dumped in some sugar syrup.
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