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06/01 Direct Link
surely, i can tell you that the best feeling is the emptiness of soul and dryness of cell after a long run in hazing heat. that sort of feeling is accomplishment and hollow goodness one can find in strong physical labor. you hear the frantic beating in your chest, the shallow breathing, hands thrown high above your head; swaying gait, head slung low and the torturous agony of ecstasy exhaustion in your legs. don’t believe the naysayers who tell you that it’s too hard, or too much work, or that there is no time. there is always time for relaxation.
06/02 Direct Link
my girlfriend is in baghdad, a fire fighting contractor working for the army and the iraqi people. this is a role reversal, of sorts, but it doesn’t really irk me. i know and guarantee my capabilities, and i need not physically prove them to the world for my own self-approval. in fact, i’ve been pursuing a standard policy of understatement—i believe it to be in my best interest for the world to habitually underestimate me. as a confirmed genius, it is easier for me to consistently trump competing colleagues when they believe me to be of only average intelligence.
06/03 Direct Link
with few worldly goods and even less space to store them, i find myself in need of a home. i have been a ‘citizen of the world’ for some time now, moving freely between states, countries and continents. Every new place i find myself, is a new language, a new culture, a new subject to study and assimilate. When every house and group you’ve called ‘home’ has been dispersed or sold, it becomes just a matter of where your things are kept. i look eagerly forward to settling down, marking out the borders of a place i can call mine.
06/04 Direct Link
the korean language is difficult; not just because of the alien alphabet, or virtual absence of punctuation, but mostly due to the strange sentence postioning of the words themselves. in english, one usually pieces together sentences in a subject-verb-object format. Ex: John rode the bike. in korean, that order goes subject (or object)-subject marker-verb. Two examples: the bike john (marker) rode; or john (marker) the bike rode. in fact, some sentences don’t even have objects or subjects—they’re just filler followed by a verb. You really have to reinvent your entire way of thinking to fully understand the korean language.
06/05 Direct Link
thusly: immortalize or starve; carve footprints in your inner passions or pretend to be foreign adrift and burning bright as a floating candle. strangers and allies alike, they could form mumbles and crisp gasps with mouths pagan and polite as raining night air. a sojourner can find here subsistence in kind or a sub-rosa revolution against the crown; be articulate and fruitful, responsible to the many-consuming bulldogs of hierarchy; can waste and defraud time intoxicated by slanted eyes and small asses, good manners, subservient attitudes; this developing peninsula is both danger and opportunity for young men of substance or immorality.
06/06 Direct Link

didn't i tell you that i've
never been so scared as texas
anytime?
it must be where lost love
is found by
undeserving oafs and
seasoned bondsmen;
these hearts alit at the
beaches on the great
stomachs of gluttons,
many pairs of gaunt eyes,
i always remember texas as
salted destruction in my
blood, and i always
speak the dreams of
dark kisses in so many
whisper-steam nights
to chill my ears and
drain power from my soul.
so long we've been a final
performance of errors and
all this time it hurts me
for every time i remembered us.
06/07 Direct Link
i write here to circumvent having to present my works before judging eyes of those they might hurt. you write about the past, things you’ve done may not be proud of, and you don’t want people to believe that you are still the same unexperienced fool you once were. you write about those things to remember them, to remind yourself of mistakes you once made and should never make again. you want to cherish your memories, fondly recall more innocent times and the emotions of the past. but you don’t want loved ones to see memories you write for yourself.
06/08 Direct Link

today, a list of verbs:

talk, govern, run, swim, bike, climb, acquiesce, increase, fold, march, transfer, correct, eat, write, read, trust, fuck, concern, combat, open, close, shatter, browbeat, view, call, phase, worship, address, contact, feed, fasten, drink, smoke, compare, dance, stare, hold, caress, handle, happen, click, crunch, type, spell, see, struggle, fight, falter, entertain, sing, hear, strip, scrape, scatter, scold, free, season, surrender, conquer, uncork, elucidate, play, entice, lower, erect, arouse, brush, kiss, suck, lick, cast, chew, throw, thrust, come, encode, elect, burn, warm, moisten, press, pass, pump, pick, pull, pop, piss, pack, put, grant, goad, crash and finally, masturbate.
06/09 Direct Link
you know i forecast the weather? it’s an easy job, punctuated by moments of difficulty due to overload of tasks. most of the time, i put my feet up on the table, watch television, field oddball calls from people who don’t need the information they’re requesting from me. i usually lie to people, or rely on bad data or questionable mathematical models to tell people where the clouds or precipitation will be. they ask me about the future, and i give them what amounts to a wild guess. i’m almost never right, but i get to keep my job anyway.
06/10 Direct Link

written for anonymous ones i see daily and the minor characters in my story:

please, girl, just show me your face,
smile a little tender
and maybe pull at your hair
say something sweet to me
laugh and stammer your nervous beauty
i am so flattered
girl because you will star
like mae west in my fantasies tonight.
i wonder if you can tell with certainty
i want to feel your bare
breasts on my cheeks
and your hot honeypot wet in my lap?
you doubting fawn,
can't see the soft and hard things
i want to do to you.
06/11 Direct Link
Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Praesent fringilla consectetuer felis. Donec pretium, purus in eleifend porta, est erat molestie risus, id volutpat erat ipsum eu mi. Proin pellentesque est in eros. in tincidunt mi at quam. Nam ipsum ipsum, imperdiet id, commodo in, condimentum sed, diam. Suspendisse potenti. Nullam et velit. Maecenas iaculis venenatis velit. Mauris ut nunc et enim aliquet consectetuer. Ut hendrerit justo accumsan risus. Praesent interdum ullamcorper leo. Morbi porta, mauris eget vulputate mollis, metus nulla molestie justo, id tincidunt est ante vitae metus. Pellentesque habitant morbi tristique senectus et netus et malesuada fames ac.
06/12 Direct Link
tomorrow is my mother’s birthday. i usually miss holidays like father’s or mother’s day, and birthdays. this doesn’t mean i don’t care—-i frequently forget my own birthday. it just means that i have a bad memory. sometimes i wonder how this has affected my relationship with my mom. still, we never had a great relationship to begin with. there was always something missing, something that didn’t sit well between us. i could never figure out what it was. i’ve never really felt at ease around my relatives. what worries me is, how will it be with my own children?
06/13 Direct Link
eye was closed, along thought patterns both fraught of danger and cursed beyond measure. though the shrewd mugs of proper crooks and elected men hung loose and flat on walls around, all the stamped heroes could not harness honesty.

the eye of candor upon our character, measurement of blunt souls or stubbed toes, actors of a jealous comedy, we charge steedless and unconcerned headlong to unsure future. when we employ the use of the eye, we exact vengeance for the empty hearts, and manage feral senses dormant for years and unknown at home. speak softly to opponents, grant no quarter.
06/14 Direct Link
you know what? talk all the shit you want, but i think enya is superior music to put on when you have something important to think about, or when you just want to relax. the same goes for npr.

i have a strange love affair with npr, dating back to when i was always over at my friend’s house, and his mother would listen in the morning over coffee. i wake early, so i would come downstairs to talk with her, read the paper, and listen to the radio. also, i like to eat toast with butter in the morning.
06/15 Direct Link

ides of june
speak, you won’t be dissatisfied
with my most prescient of dreams,
described with flair and much
wild gesticulations;
tell you flippantly
in greatest confidence
without irony or hyperbole
i’ve lost all desire for money.
would you believe that the world
is less pressing and troubled than
six years ago?
remember to put in calls to old,
and reach forward, or back,
smooth the flapping loincloth of
shame, adjust the pant legs
of an education squandered.
think, child, the world could be
yours, sub rosa,
absolute power corrupting most
absolutely;
fleetingly,
you haven’t the nerve or
derring do.
06/16 Direct Link

hand gentleslowclimbing thigh
darkness car stereoglow
driving god-knows-where
anywhere, with you
that hand pays handsomely for
what money cannot
"who?" asking
"i don't remember the name"
not believing but still driving
"please stop tonight is not right"
stopped car darkness pulled well off road
"i just need to know it tears me up inside"
"it will tear you up more to find out"
hurting hearts walking warm cornfield
rustling sights and overcooked love
an intruder a stranger in something special
throwing rocks breaking glass old farmhouse
moonlight glow coming here to find old love
and broken honor but never bitter.
06/17 Direct Link

hello,
dark lips girl,
so slender moist and
memories are benign of
death.
saturday night out
and the dancing
was a strange shooting
contest detached from me
and you.
can you believe i believed
you at your call?
nights of music and dim,
nights remembered the whistle
of the pipe, bubble bubble
and the world could be so
interesting. tight thoughts
encumbered wrapped thick
around emotions so thin.
time wasted with little gain
and you start to look for
all the lost pieces of your
lifetime.
you're never brightest
like Saturday night,
and nothing can be more
depressing than Sunday.
06/18 Direct Link
Slut Hint Four: Watch the Lips, Not the Eyes

Good girls treat their face like it’s a work of art. And eyes, described by effeminate poets as “windows to our souls” get special attention. Sluts might apply a dash of eyeliner but generally pay much more attention to their lips. Do you know why? Lips are primary sexual features; eyes are secondary. In fact, lipstick was first used by prostitutes during the era of the Roman Empire in an effort to make their mouths look like vaginas. Bright red lips at a nightclub should definitely get your Spidey Sense tingling.
06/19 Direct Link
Years 3-5: Along comes the house and kids. Through it all, you find less and less time or reasons to have sex. You go from 7 or more orgasms a week down to once a month. You get a bloated beer belly and your love handles turn into big bulges. She gets flabby with baby weight that just won’t go away. The second kid is even worse. She refuses to get stitched up after the second kid, so she’s now so loose you can’t even come inside her. When you do have sex, it’s like fucking a bowl of pudding.
06/20 Direct Link
The mice had a general council to consider how to outwit their enemy, the Cat.
A young mouse stood with a proposal: ”If we could receive some signal of her approach, we could easily escape. I propose that we attach by a ribbon a bell round the Cat’s neck. We should always know her whereabouts, to escape."
This proposal met with applause, until an old mouse rose: "That is all very well, but who is to bell the Cat?" The mice looked at one another and nobody spoke. Then the old mouse said:
"It is easy to propose impossible remedies."
06/21 Direct Link
i took an unofficial iq test. my score was 142.

that pretty much correlates with the last time my intelligence was scored, where i received a 149. so i guess my intelligence has faltered a little over the years.

i thought about joining mensa, but they require you to pay $40 and take a proctored test, the former of which i am not willing to part with, and the latter i simply have no access to in korea.

i don’t think my writing has suffered over the years; my work from the present is vastly superior to my earlier writings.
06/22 Direct Link
i was going to write a prayer, had a theme all fleshed out, but it sounded, forced and banal. that’s the problem with prayers—they’ve been done for thousands of years. that subject is thoroughly worked over.

i could talk about my computer problems the past couple of days . . . but no one other than the computer owner cares about that subject.

i could tell you that i’ve seen the ray charles biopic and ocean’s twelve three times each in the past three days. both have great music and a great story, but i grow tired of them.
06/23 Direct Link
saturday night and i ain’t got nobody,
i got some money ‘cuz i just got paid.

actually, i do have somebody, but she’s far, far away.

i’m not an advocate of long distance relationships, even though i manage to always fall back into them, no matter how many promises i make myself. that’s simply the way it works—you’re doomed to walk the same path until you learn a hard lesson. i just have not quite learned that lesson yet.

she’s there, i’m here, and it’s a lonely, lonely place, especially for one accustomed to a large group of friends.
06/24 Direct Link
today is sunday. one day, i need to tell my grandmother that i’m no longer an atheist. she thinks i’m going to hell, since i never told her that i had the epiphany of faith years ago.

i was a die-hard literalist:
“the bible cannot be proven!”
“none of it is conceivable.” & etc.
but then i realized, it’s all about faith—the stories in the book are teaching tools devised to instruct the unwashed, uneducated masses in the way of leading a good, moral life. the literal word need not be true, so long as the faith is solid.
06/25 Direct Link
have you ever heard of the band State Radio? when Dispatch broke up, one of their members formed the new band. they have a song, entitled “Mr. Larkin”, about an old man working at a retirement home because his wife is bedridden or possibly comatose. it’s a great song. you wouldn’t think so, from the description, but it really is kind of rockin’. i encourage you to check it out. seriously. go download it.

and if you haven’t heard anything by Dispatch, you should check them out, too. my favorite song by them is “Elias”, followed closely by “The General”.
06/26 Direct Link
my ex-fiancee called me today. it was technically nighttime for me, even though it was 3pm. i’m on a midnight schedule, which i like quite a bit.

she was drunk, since it was 1am back in the states. she wanted to talk about her boyfriend shopping for engagement rings, and whether she really wanted to settle down in a mundane life with a boring person. i got the feeling she was waiting for me to tell her to come back to me, but that won’t happen again. i almost made that mistake once, and perhaps i should have followed through.
06/27 Direct Link
it’s been four or five days since i heard from my girlfriend in iraq. i worry. i read the news from the war every day, watch intently for any activity in the green zone, because she would certainly be there. if something happened to her, i would be most likely the last person in the world to find out, and that scares me. sometimes i know in my heart it was foolish to do this long distance program again, and sometimes i know i’m doing the right thing.

one of these days, i’ll have to start taking my own advice.
06/28 Direct Link
my friend bob is coming to visit tomorrow, and we’re going into seoul proper. i get lost on the subway. we’re both adventurers, and can both read hangul; we should be fine. if nothing else, we’ll sleep on the streets.

bob is mormon, but he drinks. sometimes, he even swears. he’s never tried to convert me to his religion, but i’ve asked him many questions about it. it sounds interesting and silly to me, but i’ve never told him i think his religion is goofy. people spend considerable time and money on their religions—and they don’t want them ridiculed.
06/29 Direct Link
it is frustrating, trying to drink with a mormon. you think the man has fallen from the faith, boozing and visiting strip clubs with you in n’awlins, then you go to the city and find that he has somehow found religion again. it’s one thing to go to the city, sightseeing and such; but going to a bar with someone who consistently orders a coke when you would really like to share a pitcher of beer becomes tiresome.

seoul was far too hot for human beings anyway. i felt like i was melting, with no way to cool myself down.
06/30 Direct Link
i go to work, come home, eat, go to bed. . . i sleep in cycles—two weeks of almost no sleep, followed by two weeks of sleeping 12 hours each day. the same goes for working out: i run five 10K’s for two weeks, two per week for two more weeks. it might have something to do with the rotating shifts schedule, or i could just be selectively lazy.

i alternately embrace and fear the concept that life, especially growing older, is mostly just accepting your own mediocrity, and creating from it a certain glory for the common man.