08/01 Direct Link
Ok. What if John Lennon had no money. Ever. Should Yoko Ono buy him beer? I read my last entry from months ago. Much has changed. That is how life goes. For me. But I did see a gorgeous young man in a wheelchair so. Whenever you think that things are hard for you just remember that someone can make a total fool of you if you are feeling sorry for yourself. I have not shaken the crush I had on someone who may or may not be playing me. I hurt my foot. My hair is falling out. Whew
08/02 Direct Link
Exhausted. Keep re-injuring foot. Was so healthy and all I had to do was kick funny. Ok. Ran up debt running around. No. I never say shut up. But swear words did come out of my mouth. And I did say stuff about not being a dog. If youíve never snapped then you have no idea about what Iím saying. You love people sometimes who make you snap and see how fragile you are as a non-person. He is like me. The hands. The feet. He will bring me to life or kill me? Why do I adore that man?
08/03 Direct Link
I ran off from that workshop on my crippled foot. When you canít dance the energy from the drums just bangs around in your body exhausting you. Just canít be with people for too long so now Iím with the white Akita. Sheís panting heavily. How old must she be? So hard being with people because you can only go so long before you irritate somebody. That last boyfriend visit: ďAre you going up or down?Ē He meant toward or away. We argued for ten minutes about how to find each other on the street. Up or down? Oh hell.
08/04 Direct Link
so many bits and pieces saved in my documents in the computer. Much that Iíve written. Much that I took off the internet. When my brother died family members cleared out his stuff including his computer. They had the computer wiped clean of all human contact. stripped. A whole life can be in there one moment and then it can be gone just like it never existed. Nobody can face it. The spirit is out of the body and no one wants to know what is in the computer. I was out of town. I should have cancelled that trip.
08/05 Direct Link
Janet hello again. since she died? year and a half? Dreamed of tiger, lion, elephant, pet shop. small lion came up behind me. I opened the door to let him in. shopkeeper was attacked. she tried to subdue him with ritual. arm was ripped. kept dreaming about telling dream saying look thereís the shop I dreamed about filled with t-shirts of tigers, lions. wondered if it was a tiger I let in. told about my deceased friends. This morning Life of Pi with the tiger on cover was in email from Alibris books. Hello Janet. Off Color was in shopping cart.
08/06 Direct Link
Too senile. Lose track of days. Forget to write. Donít feel like practicing the drum. Fatigue. Have to keep washing blankets. That is the main activity. Keep checking to see if this dog is still breathing. All he does is totter around and then mess all over. He likes to go when Iím not looking and wonít ever do it outside. Heís fenced in a kitchen area. It is disgusting. He has never even known me. I thought he would recover but he never did. Sweet but missing some brain functioning. Him or me? Not sure. Oh Lordie. Another day.
08/07 Direct Link
Pushing self to go to family dinner. More than tired. Have to get foot fixed so I can exercise. At least the car is fixed. Blew out the foot. Blew out the tire. The tire was first. Just got to the isolated road when it exploded but turned back and onto the freeway on the rim. That was last week or so. Doing too much. Short on money. Using up frozen and canned food. Still cluttered even though much has gone to the Goodwill. Need more change. Miss my crush. Have to get bicycle out. Need space in carport storage
08/08 Direct Link
The only time to post thoughts is when not much is happening. No travel. No running around. When there is not much to say. When all you are doing is drinking ginger juice and complaining. And listening to the air conditioning system wobbling around inside the ceiling. The Olympics. Too many sports. A lucky day. Too many times youíre supposed to buy a lottery ticket. Too easy to lose them. Have to catch up on sleep. So sick of computers and gadgets and technology. Singing is good. Just plain singing. Too hot. No patience with writing. Black cat fat sat
08/09 Direct Link
I didnít think it could get any worse but he just let out brown liquid as if to torture me. He got the comforter, a blanket, and a towel. The washing machine and dryer are in continuous use. The vet bills are unbelieveable. This is why people euthanize. Now I understand. A normal person would never live like this. He was on death row two years ago. Anybody have a nice little garden and a good heart? Heíd be fine in a dog house with a hose nearby. Heís sweet. Doesnít bark. Doesnít want to interact with animals or people.
08/10 Direct Link
All these bank and restaurant robberies. Was just in one of the neighborhoods and checked out the menu at a restaurant that just got robbed. When I was there I thought it was a great neighborhood. Restaurants donít have much money. Everyone uses credit cards. Fell off a ladder. Bruised. Nothing more to say. TV. Tired. Bought food for the morning. Strawberries, blueberries, biscuits, whipped cream. No space here. Last week had to drive to a different city to find a Goodwill store. They are picky about what they take. ďNo more office stuff,Ē he said. Jeez. Louise. Please. Freeze.
08/11 Direct Link
Dreamed of a killer snake that was there one minute and then disappeared in the roomís clutter after crawling on me and scaring me. I told others youíd have only two and a half hours to get the anti-venom. Found a breathing drain underneath stuff on the floor. Threw dog crap away in a garbage can down the street and felt bad that a lady put her hand in there while I was walking away. Told another lady that we have to clear all of this stuff. She asked if I could see a picture of a musician we knew.
08/12 Direct Link
Long day. Tai chi. Lady from class came over to see my neighborhood. Dog crapped all over. sat her down outside so I could clean up. Made lunch. We ate outside. Next door neighbor went with us to drum and dance class. Teacher no show. Six of us students. We talked. Came home. Dog crapped. I cleaned. I drank wine. Ate chocolate, bread, avocado, cheese. Laughed at Reno 911. Think I want to be a clown. My friend fell off her chair once because she has a nerve disorder. neighborís plane made an emergency landing because of his asthma attack.
08/13 Direct Link
The dog craps on the wall. I find myself waiting for him to die. he seems too healthy to die soon. He perks up as he stumbles around falling off curbs and getting stuck in his water bowl. donít know how he throws food all over. he trusts me although he will walk the other way if I try to talk to him. Heís capable of barking but doesnít. He will faintly whimper if he gets himself in an odd position with legs spread out or stuck in rocks or body sideways in his puddle of slippery caca. I whimper.
08/14 Direct Link
guess Iím lucky I love the man who lives in another country and we can only see each other a couple times a year. I wrote to the rescue lady that I donít know how to cope with the dog any more. Itís been more than two years of a very weird life. Do other people actually live like this? I donít think so if they are normal. If I stay in the country it would probably be ok but not in a condo. The white akita is fine around him. I think she knows he is missing something upstairs.
08/15 Direct Link
They are between a mouse and a rat. country mouse? I get up here and again find one drowned in the toilet standing up with his little paws begging. I scoop him out with a jar and toss him in the bushes. I buried the last one but now itís getting time-consuming. I watch tv and one jumps out a knothole where the ceiling meets the wall. Heís going full speed on the fireplace mantle like the olympic people on tv hurdling the clock, sleeping pig, Paris cafť. I get up there to seal the hole after his speedy return.
08/16 Direct Link
On the computer and there are weird animal sounds outside. Something is under the porch. A mouse-rat comes flying up from behind a bookcase. But thereís no hole back there. The house is half brillo pad and they are still getting in. The only other alternative is poison. Theyíll have their little stashes inside the pull-out bed and other odd places. Very sad that they wonít know theyíre hoarding poison. One of my sweetest pets was a rat. I stepped on him by mistake and spent over a hundred dollars to try to fix him. He convulsed instead of recovering.
08/17 Direct Link
Donít feel like writing. Put Desitin on the dogís butt and taped 4 diapers together because they were too small. Made up a bunch of silly songs so I can remember drum rhythms. Have to link them to image and story. Example: Sleep now peepee dog sleep now peepee dog sleep now peepee dog sleep now peepee dog. And I picture the full moon and I see the dog peeing and I yell out, ďBuonga!Ē Then the rhythm starts sleep now peepee dog, etc. I read an article about a psychotic girl and it has me wondering about being borderline.
08/18 Direct Link
Someone asked me if I was a gymnast. Donít know how to spell it. We didnít have anything like that when I was young. Iím flexible. Maybe if I had been a gymnast Iíd be broken by now. We had no idea what yoga was. We only had the circus and freak shows at fairs. I loved freak shows. Any little creepy things. In jars. Those running Olympic men were like racehorses. Seemed cruel. All they needed was some little living thing sitting on their shoulders. With a whip. Donít understand. The competitive stuff. Very odd. one wanted a cheeseburger.
08/19 Direct Link
My mother was the same way. Collecting birds with broken wings. donít mean to do it but just fall into it. donít know how to say no in a normal way. People ask more and more of us and we stay sweet then start cracking and spewing. When she asked if I could take her to fix her misaligned pelvis an hour and a half away, instead of leaving at, ďSorry I donít know when I would be able toĒ other stuff started pushing out like ďIím pulled in so many directions and have friends coming out of my ears!!Ē
08/20 Direct Link
Love classes. The singing, the drum, the stories. Have trouble with unstructured time with people unless they have my same hands and feet. Canít remember if I mentioned that when I was in another country taking dance and drum classes I was dumbfounded to notice six or eight people with my hands and feet. It was weird. We also felt like friends even though we didnít really know each other. I was the only white one. Now I always check out hands and feet but theyíre never the same-- black or white or whatever. We were even close in size.
08/21 Direct Link
Sweating. Swept rat and bat caca. Powerwashed. Kept wondering if the wasps would attack. They like the dogís butt. One sat on my hand and kind of pinched it but I shook him off. The dog kept looking dead but he keeps reviving. Here in the country he sleeps in the garage. Someone told me this isnít the country itís the mountains. For eight years Iíve been saying ďIím going to the country.Ē Wow. Just realized the dog sleeps where my last dog died. Still block that memory when it surfaces. Hearing planes or helicopters or a motor. Dark out.
08/22 Direct Link
Gave the weed-whacker and a few mowing things to the neighbor. Just keeping the ride-around mower and some day will recharge the battery. simple to use the car to recharge it but itís that mental block that keeps me from learning to do that and change a flat tire. Some simple things I just donít want to do. Cars and machines and gadgets Ė even computers Ė bother me. Not being morose but if we knew weíd be spirits one day then I think weíd be anxious to just drop dead and have that kind of freedom. You wouldnít have to drive.
08/23 Direct Link
Drove three hours from the mountains. Dropped off dog. Went to dance class. I did get him to poop outside yesterday so I gave him steak. Later he pooped in his blanket. Today he pooped outside. I gave him steak. A lady with a chihuahua told me sadly he should be put to sleep. Everyone says that. I can tell that he feels charged up by being in the mountains with the white akita as his protectress. I know these dogs have a lot to teach me. I just havenít figured out yet what it is. They are sweet souls.
08/24 Direct Link
I had my old dog on my lap outside sitting at the cafť table listening to the tape of my drum rhythms while I used his back legs and front legs to play Baluba, Zebola, and other rhythms. Donít know how to spell Air Piniae. A little boy asked what we were doing and I told him the dog is old and falls over when he walks so this is his exercise. You know, he liked it and went number 2 so I gave him steak. People were verbally fighting in dance class. Trying to understand. All over respect. Sensitivities.
08/25 Direct Link
Dog crapped on his blanket. Going to tai chi practic then yoga. Have to call about broken dishwasher and bathtub faucet thingy. Eating watermelon. The tree trimmer gave it to me. Have to check bank balance. I guess it seems like I have no money because of two mortgages. Overheard someone in dance class say that people she knows all buy food at outdoor markets not grocery stores. Canít afford grocery stores. She was one talking back to the teacher. I have to ask her if sheís an attorney. Everyone demanding respect and not backing down. Rodney Dangerfield was cute.
08/26 Direct Link
Poop blanket washing. He walks out of diapers. Not likely that he is trainable. It is luck when it happens outside. This morning he was out there and did the business inside within a split second when my head was turned. Feel more pressured, though, from dealing with people. Happier washing blankets than having someone come over for coffee. He must be my crutch. My excuse. Just donít like hanging out. Friends and family like to do it. every few months is ok. This every week thing with people is making me nervous. I like to do classes then relax.
08/27 Direct Link
Who would think drumming? Writing maybe. Painting. Drumming and singing. And dancing. Swept down the river and it becomes the course. You forget to write, paint. You donít want to use the computer. Sometimes you forget to do tai chi. And wonder. Who is this spirit? The neighbor meditates. He says, ďYou never stop. Itís a habit that you run from one thing to another.Ē He organizes his CDs. I know itís bad to say but heís fat. I love rushing when there are these amazing opportunities. Maybe if he rushed a little he could throw away those diet meals.
08/28 Direct Link
Dinner with former employees. Known them for years. Donít like to be reminded of work, though. Their memories are good. I donít know why. They had a fondness for working there or they just got attached somehow. I wake up in the morning feeling pulled down. Often. A work remnant. It is like the dreams take me back there because there are all these unhappy memories burned into crevices in the brain. You sleep and this memory fragment fires and that memory fragment fires and then you initially feel uneasy and sad until you fully wake up. Run run run
08/29 Direct Link
Now I have another incredible drum from Zimbabwe. One of my brotherís had it. He used it as an end table. The sound is magical. Canít wait to bring it to drum class. It has a circle on the head from having a plant on top. All these years it hasnít been played. Who would think that an incredibly talented artist musician would create this work of art to be used as furniture? The wood is astonishing. The tree and the animal are happy now. I meant the animal whoís skin is used, but Iím happy, too. The artist, too.
08/30 Direct Link
Shoot. There are 2 more classes I would love to take. French and a portrait painting class. Then I would have absolutely no time. And I canít really afford it. Had to go to a wedding today/night. Lavish. You would think we were in Italy. I love simple. Donít understand all the fancy stuff. But I secretly wished I could go to French boarding school when I was young. Simple is often expensive. If I had money Iíd turn the attic into a library with wood paneling and built-in bookcases like the room we had dance class in last Tuesday.
08/31 Direct Link
Donít know if Iíll write next month. Here is a summary of life as I see it at this moment. We could all be ecstatically happy. It seems to be all about loving life and just forgetting about controlling other people. The man I love might have five wives. He makes me laugh. He has made me snap, see red, and use profanity which I never do. Itís all funny. Letís see. Ok. There is unbearable sadness in the world. That is when insanity steps in to alleviate the pain. And this could all just be a dream anyway. Ciao.