09/01 Direct Link
What is it with the written word? Why the fascination? All it means is youíve been sitting on your butt for too long. There must be some technological gadget that you can speak into and have transcribe your words, count them, and stick them on the website. I could be riding my bike or running (which I never do) or in the middle of a dance class singing and swearing once in a while. The gadget could fix grammatical errors, text people and heat the oven for dinner. I think the gadget could shock the dog into going number two.
09/02 Direct Link
The dog has surprised me by going to the bathroom outside. We practice drum rhythms. Maybe heís getting healed. My left hand is weak so Iím a terrible drummer. When you drum you meet magnificent people. A new world opens up to you. Tonight a beautiful man showed me his room full of drums from all different parts of Africa. He is astonishing and shared stories about his travels while teaching drum and dance. I have peeked in on his class with young people and have been blown away. Tonight he even played a drum made from a dresser drawer.
09/03 Direct Link
I will call the person who has my heart tonight. He is the one who changed my life. I meet all of these wonderful people only because of him. Heís mean. He yells. He lives on the other side of the world. He might lie. He might even be sick of me. He has my hands and feet. I hope to always be connected to him. He has the moon on the back of his head until he shaves it all smooth. I love that moon. I think it was the moon that brought us closer together. And his eyes.
09/04 Direct Link
Itís technically the 4th. Early early morning. Drinking wine. Pricing junk for a yard sale. will go to the mountains tomorrow. Bring back more junk. Have a lot to do this weekend. My son wishes Iíd be more of a grandma. I was too young being a mother so I have to catch up on life now. Sounds selfish. I have the best son, daughter-in-law, and grandson. They are out of a movie. George Clooney, Beyonce, and the little guy is not like anyone. Life is so funny and unpredictable. I love it. canít write the script if you tried.
09/05 Direct Link
In the mountains. Eating cinnamon bread. Watching program about nice people who are criminals and murderers. I do believe my ex-husband wanted me dead. I donít think I made up the memory of finding him sitting at a table with gun stuff saying, ďIím making my own bullets.Ē I said, ďThatís nice.Ē I wasnít paying attention. his fascination with guns was boring to me. My gun later only had six bullets in its box. I didnít wonder where all the bullets went. the bullets wouldnít fire in the middle of the forest. still didnít think he might have been responsible.
09/06 Direct Link
The whole room downstairs is filled with junk for the yard sale tomorrow. Itís a community thing that I havenít participated in until now. I brought stuff from the mountains after staining the door that had the cracks. Everytime I go up there I have work to do. Sick of hearing political talk. OOHHH sht there was just a huge earthquake. I had to run outside and sit on the curb. No aftershock yet. Oh God I canít keep track of all my insurance stuff. If I take it to the mountains it could get burned in a wild fire.
09/07 Direct Link
Dance class. Dog massage class. Last night went to see an African drummer from Ghana. Mostly women. Mostly lesbian. Mostly white. The dog lady told me to let her know when he passes. Everyone thinks he's on his last leg. He seems pretty good to me except that he's all bones under his fur. The drum tapes are helping him. Heís drumming more and Iím drumming less so my left hand is weak. Bought a bunch of food from Whole Foods. Too hot. Sweating. Put hydrogen peroxide in my ears to cure oncoming cold. Too much running around. need rest.
09/08 Direct Link
Unbelieveable. the dog went number two outside twice today. A record. drum music is curing him. Training him. The dog lady wants me to take a picture with him. maybe Iíll take him to that photographer and bring my ngoma so we can play together. That would be cute. I guess Iíd better do it quickly since everyone thinks heís going to die. Too rushed. Too wrinkled. Too crazy. Too strapped for money. Iíll do it anyway. Where is that card? What day is it? Ok. Iíll call tomorrow. I think of my dog that died. That was very sad.
09/09 Direct Link
Think I need to make money somehow. If I rented the mountain place a tenant could cause headaches and owe me thousands. If I rented the condo it could be the same. The yard sale only brought fifty dollars. I thought the French translator was broken. He got it for twenty-five cents and yelled to his parents, ďIt works!!Ē Sold my saddle and bridle for hardly anything. At least I have the memories of riding, jumping, caring for that sweet horse. In ten years my bones might break in half. Life is funny that way. It just wonít stop changing.
09/10 Direct Link
Put the picture of my crush in the corner of my grandfatherís portrait. Both wearing dark suits, similar color, with ties, similar color, and white shirts. Both with eyeglasses. Both pictures cut off at the waist. One smiles, one doesnít. One white, one black. My grandfather was the same height. If there is such a thing as reincarnation then I think heís my grandfather. He sent this picture not long after I put my grandfatherís portrait on the wall. If he had a white hankey in his pocket and a flower in his lapel then Iíd be freaked out. Seriously.
09/11 Direct Link
I donít know what happened. I woke up one morning and was black inside. No thatís not true. Everything around me was black. Well. Not everything. I donít know what Iím trying to say. I drank some cheap wine. The dog is sleeping in the bathtub. I only get Channel 3. People are fighting on tv. My drum was playing itself tonight and sounded great. Before the dog was in the tub there was a dead mouse. I picked him up with toilet paper and threw him in a pile of wood. This is a nice house. In the woods.
09/12 Direct Link
think my interesting entries were among those lost and not yet recovered. my dark period. Now I just talk about dogs and drums and deer. This morning a male deer ran off but the female was mesmerized by my dog and me. I was trying to help my dog walk and the deer was in disbelief. She couldnít figure out what we were. Iíd pick my dog up and hug him and put him down to wobble. She just kept coming closer to get a better look. She ran when I pulled out a camera. Too much like a gun.
09/13 Direct Link
Politics makes no sense. Religion makes no sense. Seems to me that Jesus was a non-violent protester except for when he turned over the moneytakers cash boxes in the temple. I think he said you turn the other cheek and his Father in heaven stayed non-violent even while his son was being killed. All he did was send down rain. Donít mean to be rude, but when did Christians start killing people? Who ever started the whole killing thing? I have my brotherís animal heads on my walls in the mountains. But I put spiders outside when I find them.
09/14 Direct Link
we glorify those who fight for us and they deserve it. They risk their lives, face fear, and have to live with horrible memories. They combat violence with violence. I was shocked to read in a Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. book ďLet us pray that God will give us strength to remain nonviolent though we may face death.Ē I keep thinking about that quote. That is even harder than fighting. I snap. Or freeze out of fear. But most likely I would scream somebody to death. Then run. I miss my crush. He helps me practice controlling my temper.
09/15 Direct Link
The dog can't walk. Can't get up. Had the drum music going. The neighbor had me crying as I sat outside with him on my lap. He looked half-dead and I told her he probably is on his last leg. He was limp so I just kept twirling his ears and tail around. Either he was close to being in a coma or he liked it. Heís all bones. Still trying to use up frozen and canned food. Scraped frozen lamb from my motherís leftovers onto the dogís foodÖ..little crumbs. did that earlier to try to get him to eat.
09/16 Direct Link
Found food at my door. I was driving home from dance class thinking that there was nothing to eat. My neighbor left a full meal. And now the dog is walking. Oh shoot. Now I have to tell her that he didnít die. This is terrible to say but a good homeless scam would be to cry over a sickly dog and I bet money and food would be pouring in. People hate to see tears and sickness. And helplessness. Now my aunt is dying. I was told today that she might have 48 hours. Iíll pray for her tonight.
09/17 Direct Link
Too tired to write. day just goes too fast. Tried to not buy groceries. Thought I could just get cottage cheese for the dog and an avocado for me but I spent forty dollars. Cheese, strawberries, raspberries, french bread, yogurt, half and half, nectarines, one magazine, a sympathy card, doesnít seem like forty but with tax I guess it is. The dog ate a little cottage cheese and rice but he wonít eat his regular food. Heís wrapped in a blanket now and Iíll sleep down there. should be listening to tonightís drum tape so I can write down rhythms.
09/18 Direct Link
Vet confirmed dying dog. Medicine to relax. Food and water with syringe. Aunt most likely dying. Then took dance class. Lots of stomache crunches and pushups. Sleep on couch. No time. Full-time dog nurse and run to class, store, hospital. Donít like sitting at computer. Blank. No words. No thoughts. Canít think. Tape recorder speeds up and slows down messing up drum rhythms. Cooked beans. Ate french bread and cheese. Freeze, seas, siesta, sieze, how do you spell seize, sleaze, please, cheese, sneeze, fleas, knees, keys, ease, peas, pees, piece, peace, bees, bes, he bes, you bes, they bes, hebejebes.
09/19 Direct Link
Dog wakes up all night. rock him like a baby. Didnít go out. Vet thought he may only have a week. guess he was slowly dying and now it is speeded up. Dreamed of a rat that bit me. threw him down stairs into the garden of my parentsí old house. He ran back up to get me so I threw him down again. He started to run back but a cat chased him. I occasionally have haunting dreams about that garden. person who owns the house tore up the garden, put in a pool, then tore out the pool.
09/20 Direct Link
The usually silent dog was yelping night and day. Torn. Had family commitment. Vet said I could up the medication. I signed a contract saying I would never euthanize. When my other dog was killed by the male akita I was traumatized. But he died right after wagging his tail. He had no pain. gave extra pain medicine and had to leave for eight hours. was stiff when I got back. He hadnít changed position. I write this but will block it out when the memory surfaces. He was in agony. I must have I know I I probably over-medicated.
09/21 Direct Link
Now my aunt died. I took my dog last night to the mountains. Early morning a skunk was blocking the garage door to the shovel. Thank god the white akita came. She scared the skunk after I tried by dumping two glasses of water on him. I think he climbed inside the underside of my car and sprayed in there. My cousin is a wreck and slept at the hospital. She asked her sister to bring a toothbrush. My aunt used to speak in tongues. She will be happy to see Jesus. I hope he shows up. I smell dog.
09/22 Direct Link
I think my cousin died on the 21st years ago. I was pregnant then. I felt that my husband enjoyed socializing at the funeral. A nail in the marriage coffin. My cousin was only about 21 years old. I must have been 19. It goes by fast. Now there will be a lot of funerals because I am able to order the senior special at IHOP. I buy beer for my drum teacher because it makes him happy. Any little thing to bring a little happiness. My dog, my aunt, and it is supposed to be 3. Who is next?
09/23 Direct Link
The rescue lady had me sign a contract saying Iíd never euthanize. I was totally unprepared for the death. I didnít know there would be so much painÖfor so long. He couldnít sleep for two days. He kept yelling out. pain medicine did nothing. I couldnít stay at his side longer than two days. He was howling. I kept upping the pain medicine until he went to sleep. I went out. I came back later and he was stiff. I wrapped him up and drove three hours to the mountains. just heard him yelp. No it was outside. Another dog.
09/24 Direct Link
True that you always want what you donít have. Something like that. Thought I would write when I didnít have to work so much. Now that I can I am off to other things. You get so far and then you let it all slide and start up with something new. Unless youíre someone like a gold medalist. Focused. Now what. Everything just keeps shifting. Leaves falling off the trees. Autumn Equinox. Cleaning. Little by little. Watch television. Go to drum class. Last nightís class was like a private class. Not too many people take advantage of opportunity. I do.
09/25 Direct Link
Only two other students. Semi-private instruction. Dance. With our own drummer. And dance teacher. She said I need to look at myself in the mirror to learn. Too painful. Always a shock to see a stiff body looking goony. Laughed with the special man in my life. By phone. We laugh about our memories of each other. I have him on video mimicking me with my hurt foot. He is hysterically funny. We have a love affair that lasts because we donít have to see each other. can only go for two weeks until I start cracking and need space.
09/26 Direct Link
Funeral. Weak. Too much eating. Most family members donít feel connectedÖ.I would think. It is as if most people are born into the wrong families and sometimes even born on the wrong side of the world. Right now Iím feeling a disconnect. I fake a lot. My voice is stuck somewhere in my throat so only part comes out. Did I already say that my clock changed time zone? Very tired. Strangely achy. Achey achy akey a key I threw my storage keys away by mistake. Iíll have to cut the locks. Mocks pox sox box lox docks jocks fox
09/27 Direct Link
You get to a certain age when it is more important to move around than sit at a computer. This is why I wonít write next month. Too much sitting involved. People who sit find that then they canít walk without hobbling from side to side. Maybe youíll have a great novel but then you can hardly get up the stairs. With all the violence in the news these days you have to be able to sprint after throwing your wallet past the attacker. You zigzag away which probably is hard on the ankles. Tai chi, yoga, dance, drumming, singing
09/28 Direct Link
I wanted to hurry up and enter words for today the 28th because there are only empty boxes without numbers for the next two days. Thirty days has September, April, June, and November. All the rest have 31 except February which has 28. Catholic school memorization. I want to see if the 29th and 30th pop up in the boxes after this is entered. My croissant is cooking. I want my decaf. I have to go to a dance class. I have to wash my hair. I want to practice drumming. I have to practice tai chi. I I I
09/29 Direct Link
Running out of stuff to write. Thought I saw my dog out of the corner of my eye. Very weird to wake up in the morning without that sweet, sickening smell of poop. Still cleaning. I would think that the immune system becomes strengthened by all the bacteria. Ohhh a hair of his just floated up in front of my face. Now another dark spot just went by. Iím getting a little freaked out. What was that? Thereís no hair here. Iíll have to find something nice to mark his grave. A little stone dog. With a little stone drum.
09/30 Direct Link
In disbelief always that no one wants to go to my classes. Neighbors will show interest then disappear. My sister said sheíd go when she gets here from Australia but now she always has an excuse. Itís not that I want company. I prefer to be on my own, but you always want to share a good thing. Is it that the media plays up violence in that city? You fall in love with life when you are free to spend time doing what you love. Some people never find what they love. They walk with closed eyes and hearts.