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BY Eva

05/01 Direct Link
Today he sends me an article about how the ice caps are melting and scientists are saying that global warming is responsible. I tell him that's what I've been telling him all along, but all he says is I said it was definite, when it's not 100 percent known yet. He said there's only evidence to support it, but it cannot be backed by FACTS. Well, isn't evidence factual information? And no one will ever agree 100% on anything. There are still people who deny a man walked on the moon or the holocaust ever happened. I'm tired of this.
05/02 Direct Link
That's what Marcia says, that's what she says when her car breaks down and there's absolutely no where else to go and she's looking at the bluest sky she's ever seen and thinking, "If I die here, if I die, I want the birds to pick my skin, carry my bones over the sand and shrubs, until I won't even know where I am." Not like she knew where she was now. But she knew she was on a road, and she knew she was running. This was too much consciousness for Marcia Pickings to bear. She needed to believe.
05/03 Direct Link
I have avoided attractive men all my life. It is a thing I do. It got to the point where my boyfriend even said to me, he said, "Marcia, maybe you should do the thing you cannot do. You should go up to attractive guys and talk to them, you know, just talk." He said other stuff to me too. One time he said, "Marcia, you made a mistake. You made a mistake by going out there. Now you can't go back. That's a mistake." I always listened to what he had to say, but never believed any of it.
05/04 Direct Link
The only people she didnít love or think about loving were white people. She needed to believe in the absolute unknown, it wasn't enough that she had left her house, her home, her lover, she had to leave her body, she had to leave everything she thought she was and they thought she was, all thinking had to just cease. This was the only true way Marcia Pickings could move on, and she was gonna keep on moving until she could figure out a way to permanently stop herself, or until she met someone who would do it for her.
05/05 Direct Link
Marcia loves black people. She loves brown people. She loves yellow people. Marcia always listens to what he says, but she never believes any of it. Except for the part where she should talk to attractive guys. She knows this is a dilemma she has to get over. She knows it will help her later on in life. Attractive people are often successful, and if she is ever going to be successful she will have to learn to stand up straight and ask a man simple questions, like ďHow are you? How are you today? How's this weather we're having?Ē
05/06 Direct Link
Shirley lived at 4 1/2 Road's End. It was by Griffith Park and there were avocado trees in her cobblestone courtyard. The day the Hollywood Sign almost burned down, Shirley lay in her studio and listened to the coyotes come down the mountain, the howling catching on to the neighbor's dogs and then their neighbor's neighborís dogs. It was when her best friend Susan was evacuated up the street that she looked out her window and saw them. They were by the avocado trees, waiting for her to come out and smell the fire, they could already smell her fear.
05/07 Direct Link
The fact that I am in love with you offers no forgiveness for what you are about to do. I'm sorry, love. She takes the gun and slams it into his temple. His body fell easily. Rolling him off the cliff, she hears his descent as he hits bushes and gravel on the way down. The lights glitter in the distance, a canvas of energy, of strength. She needs to believe in something. She needs to believe. It was at night that she remembered what he had done. It was not so easy to sleep with the window open anymore.
05/08 Direct Link
She missed him, but wasn't sure if she was missing his touch more. This concerned her, because maybe she had been using him for emotional comfort. It always irritated her when he said she was just using him. Wasn't that what relationships were for? Why did people go to all the trouble to put up with another person if they didn't get some sort of comfort out of being together? She figured he was just starting trouble to start it. Manipulating any emotion from her bones, even if it was fear or annoyance, was the best he could do nowadays.
05/09 Direct Link
She thought she was coming back in September, but now the planes were so damn loud, everything was so damn expensive. And she had said she wanted to go to Hawaii, so maybe she would go. She heard creaks from the walls and knew that they were coming for her soon. Tomorrow, a minute from today, the end was clear and empty. She felt nothing and this made her smile. Come and get me, she thought to the darkness. I have been waiting long before you. She heard a medley of moans and nothing else amidst the pale dark sky.
05/10 Direct Link
Life is a bitter drink. You can get drunk if you have too much. You can get drunk and hit your head and then who will pick you up? Who will pick you up but Jesus? That's what the Reverend said, right before pushing her bird bones down the stairs. She heard her wrist crack, the wooden step bending it back until even the boys in the little room heard it go POP! The angels rushed out to see her lying on her back, a broken doll with her skirt by her chest, her Superman panties for all to behold.
05/11 Direct Link
ďI can't be with that man.Ē

ďWhy?Ē

ďBecause he is quite possibly the most beautiful man I have ever seen.Ē

ďSo, what's the problem?Ē

ďI canít date a man that I actually like! That's suicide! He'd destroy me.Ē

They walk through Beverly Hills. Million dollar palm trees above, sparkling concrete below.

ďI hate this place,Ē she says. He knows. ďWhatever,Ē she mumbles. ďIím telling myself heís married. Heís married. Heís married. Heís married.Ē

He watches her CLICK and CLACK down Rodeo Boulevard with the highest heels. Sheís been dressing up more and more. He wishes it was all for him.
05/12 Direct Link
I dropped my phone in the sink today, and when I picked it up there were no numbers on the screen. Damn LCD. Damn me. Now Iím stranded with no hope of figuring out anyoneís numbers. It used to be simple. Under other stars perhaps. There used to be a sense that we were all there was. No one thinks heís good enough for me. Except for me. I know what I think is all that matters, but a part of me wants to be the little girl thatís envied. A part of me wants to be shiny. New. Above.
05/13 Direct Link
I donít want to start anything that I canít get out of. He said I was a loose cannon. Fickle. Indecisive. Unsure. He said I was a mess. So be it. Have it your way. My life is your life. Even now, heíll call me stupid and say Iím uptight when Iím offended. When Iím insulted. The rule of insults is, if you insult someone, they are insulted. You canít just take it back, because you think what you said wasnít rude, just because you consider your thoughts better than that of a girl you say youíre in love with.
05/14 Direct Link
Hairdressers were not Marcia Pickings favorite people. Why must they talk to her and why must she talk to them? She sat rigid in the executioner's seat, waiting for them to take those fateful first snips. She just wanted a trim, but there was such anxiety in going to these people. She couldn't look her reflection in the eye. Instead, she would always focus on the assortment of gels and sprays on the counter before her. The potions of the witches behind her. Some hairdressers tried to talk to Marcia Pickings. Others just held the scissors up to her face.
05/15 Direct Link
You don't know who Nancy Pelosi is? Joy gasped and giggled loudly. How the hell should I know who that is? No one ever talks about Congress in common conversation. No one says, Oh, you wouldn't believe what Nancy Pelosi said the other day. It's always Dancing with the Stars and Heather Mills and American Idol and Sanjaya. It's always that actor or this actress and this celebrity sighting. That conversation was probably the first one Marcia had heard regarding the Speaker of the House, and despite the common talk of how many Americans were angry, names were rarely left.
05/16 Direct Link
I dropped my phone in the sink today and when I picked it up there were no numbers on the screen. Damn LCD. Damn me. Now Iím stranded with no hope of figuring out anyoneís numbers. It used to be simple. Under other stars perhaps. There used to be a sense that we were all there was. He doesn't think heís good enough for me. Except for me. I know what I think is all that matters, but a part of me wants to be the little girl thatís envied. A part of me wants to be shiny. New. Above.
05/17 Direct Link
I repeated myself. I tend to do that. Sometimes Iíll look at the sky and think how nice it would be to fall into it. Swim past the clouds. Iím going to the beach today. Beach, beach, beach. When I was twelve, my father took us to Greece. I would sing that five letter word as we drove through the mountains, the vineyards, grapes and fig trees on either side of us. We got lost. My mom in the front seat, my sister in the back with me, our hands outside the window, the rush of air between our fingers.
05/18 Direct Link
I still smell. Took a shower. Canít get the smell out of my head. It was stale. Not an awful night, but I didnít know what I was doing. There was a guy I was talking to. Blonde hair. Couldnít tell if he had small eyes or if he was just squinting. They took a picture of us. Grace had straightened my hair. I was shiny, very shiny. One of those happy people. I miss New York. And being grumpy and pissed off at people. Here I feel rude blasting music from my car. Here I care about others. Damn.
05/19 Direct Link
Last night my hair was straight, this morning it was curly. Mattís roommate moved out, and I was sleeping on his floor. Someone gave me a pillow. Lily came in, nudged my shoulder. Sweet thing, just a baby. I thought about getting a kitten, but where would I put the litter? Damn boxes. Thereís so much I want to say and so much Iím not sure will work out, but should, it really should. She says I should just be a free spirit. A bird, be a bird, Iím a bird. But what if some people need to be caged?
05/20 Direct Link
We sat out by the pool. I was wearing a yellow tank top and brown knee high pants. My sandals slapped the concrete. There was laughter. I poured ketchup and mustard and mayo on my hot dog. Sprinkled some cheese. Added some guaca. They were talking about when Joy was younger she had hit her older sister with a plastic wiffle ball bat. The indentations from the yellow stick etched onto her older sisterís skin for days. I poured some water in a red cup and dropped my feet in the pool, listening to their voices on an ordinary Monday.
05/21 Direct Link
I thought about what he had said. How we would never work. How did he really know? I asked him what it took to get a guy interested in me. He shrugged, ďAct like you care about what heís saying.Ē He told me that if a guy wasnít interested in me after that he wasnít worth my time. Then he called me a prude. I blushed even though I knew he was just egging me on. They were itching to discover more about the secret lives of us girls, who we let in our beds, who we wanted to invite.
05/22 Direct Link
Joy laughed at the way I said food shopping instead of grocery shopping. She smiled, ďSheís from New York, saying grocery is like enunciating four different words.Ē I thought about it. My mom says food shopping, and so does my dad. What else would you call the act of shopping for food? The way her and her sister said grocery shopping, it was true. They definitely had less syllables in their mouths. It reminded me when I used to crew. We went to a match upstate and they kept laughing at our accents. Accents we didnít even know we had.
05/23 Direct Link
They said she should be skinnier. She had already lost the definition in her legs. They said she should be thinner. Her arms could gain to lose a few more centimeters below the shoulders. She thought about this, how she was supposed to twirl. A skeleton in a dress. Hollow cheek bones, barely there chest. She wanted them to like her, so she skipped lunch and dinner again. She drank coffee by the buckets, dried fruit, slim jims. Her body shut down on numerous occasions. Red alert, red alert. But that only prompted her to eat one or two macaroons.
05/24 Direct Link
They said she should be skinnier. She had already lost the definition in her legs. They said she should be thinner. Her arms could gain to lose a few more centimeters below the shoulders. She thought about this, how she was supposed to twirl. A skeleton in a dress. Hollow cheek bones, barely there chest. She wanted them to like her, so she skipped lunch and dinner again. She drank coffee by the buckets, dried fruit, slim jims. Her body shut down on numerous occasions. Red alert, red alert. But that only prompted her to eat one or two macaroons.
05/25 Direct Link
I messed up the indentations again. I thought people would read this, so I was afraid to let go. Silly really. No one ever takes the time to read anymore. I did the same entry twice. Clicked the button. Iíve been rushing lately, trying to get it all done, but I havenít managed to do much. How does that happen? Why does that always happen? I want to rush right by this river, keep on going, head down south to Mexico. Why do I want to go to Mexico so bad? In Target I can never understand what theyíre saying.
05/26 Direct Link
Itís the highlight of my day when he walks by. Today he was wearing a new shirt. Or at least one I hadnít seen before. Is it sad how heís made work at the tower worthwhile? Amidst the filing, data entry, faxing, emailing, scanning, typing, whatever, he gives me something to think about. Maybe Iím just bored. But then why canít I get him out of my head after six? Why am I always so much in my head? For now, Iíll keep looking forward to when I see him, however brief, until I leave, or he does, or both.
05/27 Direct Link
I have no idea if he feels the same way. Probably not. Why would he? Why would he not? I stayed in Hollywood on Saturday, because thatís where he lives. This guy I donít even know. A lot of mysterious people live in Hollywood. A lot of average people live there too. Am I mysterious or am I average or am I everything and nothing in between? Iím going to school in the fall. I should be writing more. Instead of being a total girl. Itís time to think like I think a guy would think. Eva, stop caring. Stop.
05/28 Direct Link
NewYork, NewYork. When I was little I wanted my father to be Robert De Niro. I figured I had a decent chance seeing how my mom was a pretty lady back in the day. She lived in Little Italy, had one of those apartments with a bathtub in the kitchen. I figured they could have met randomly on a street corner. All it took really was a few hours, a little wine, a little lust, badda bing badda boom, out I come nine months later. I was bored in the Ďburbs. I wanted to be a part of it all.
05/29 Direct Link
My dad watched Tom & Jerry, drove limos, loved cannolis and ice cream. He was still a child at 45 and 55 and now 60. I watched De Niroís films like I was watching home videos. Casino, A Bronx Tale, Goodfellas, Taxi DriverÖThe closest I ever came to the mob was at my grandmotherís funeral. Man in black sitting in the back pew. I asked who he was, but my mother told me to keep my eyes on the priest. ďHe's from Uncle Anthony's side, you know?Ē No, I didnít. I was eight, how was I supposed to know anything?
05/30 Direct Link
Leila called me today. Called me to pick her up on Victory. Said she went to Beauty Bar for her ID. Threw back some shots with the bartender. Heís a nice guy, she said. He was in some movie back when he was small, but he hates when you bring it up, you know, so donít. The place was pretty deserted when she got there. It was, after all, only Tuesday. Iím going back Thursday, you should come, she said. I thought about it, Iím still thinking. Iím in a very different place than I was last May. Thank God.
05/31 Direct Link
I drink tea every day. Really, itís just an excuse to get up and go to the kitchen. To move. Put one leg in front of the other. Iíll go to Michelleís desk, pretend Iíve forgotten something. Sometimes, Iíll go to the ladies room just to wash my hands. Or check a loose strand of hair in the mirror. Even though I donít really care. Iíll check my inbox. Just to check it. Destination. Go see whatís in the snack drawer. You never know. There could be something really good in there, you know? Always afraid Iím missing somethingÖbut what?