Went to visit Barney and family yesterday. Jake was quiet and smiling all afternoon, undisturbed by Ben and Alex’s boisterous play. Alex is 18 months now and pointing at everything going, “Da! Da!” - hard to imagine Jake doing that one day. Alex is still breastfeeding. Even though I want to follow baby-led weaning, I’m not sure I’ll feel comfortable about breastfeeding Jake at that age. I have to return to work though, Mew doesn’t. We missed lunch so we had chips in the cold and got home in time to watch Arsenal beat Chelsea 2 – 1 at Stamford Bridge.

Still haven’t told anyone about the day I got so frustrated pumping that I punched and pinched my breast hard. I’d been pumping for 20 minutes and barely got an ounce. It used to be easy, the milk used to flow – 4 ounces in 15 minutes. I don’t know what’s changed. Afterwards it shocked me, that I did that to myself, that I got that angry. Again flashes of my mother, and the last time I felt that badly about myself – when I was with R, the worst relationship I ever got into. I must really have hated myself then.

After a stressful Monday thinking Jake didn’t like me, I had a really good day with him yesterday, enjoying being with him again. I knew I was getting tired and down and was worried I was heading for a downward spiral of being Perpetually Grumpy Mom. But on Monday evening he turned to look for me and smiled and it changed everything. Then I dreamt he was a day old when I went to bed but woke to find his cot in pieces and he was 12 and Black. I’d missed his entire childhood and he didn’t need me anymore.

Thai courts have ordered the dissolution of the PM’s party and two other coalition parties as they were found guilty of election fraud. The PAD have ended their occupation of Bangkok’s airports and all those peeved Americans can get home to their leftover turkey dinners at long last, though to be fair they aren’t all self-centred and petty. So the PM has finally been ousted and new elections will be called. Somchai’s supporters say this outcome was unfairly predetermined, and the King will not get involved, so Thailand remains deeply divided. There are no clear leaders who can unite her.

Yesterday Paul asked if we could think about having sex soon cos he’s going crazy. He’s lucky I didn’t thump him. I spend 99% of my waking hours living for Jake, most of it breastfeeding. I can’t even eat or pee when I want to. Unlike Paul, my social life is Jake. I have no freedom to do what I want. My body is a mess, I’m losing huge amounts of hair, I can only wear maternity or nursing clothes, I have no time to exercise, I haven’t even gotten my periods back yet and he’s the one going crazy?

During Jake’s marathon feed this morning I fell asleep and dreamt I was also suckling Jakey the cat. At first it seemed normal then I realised I shouldn’t do that cos it would mess up my milk supply. We were on holiday in a town in Mongolia and were sleeping by the roadside because the yurt left for travellers to sleep in wasn’t a tent but a small green cupboard none of us could fit into. Then we tried a bowl full of bright coloured scoops of ice cream. It was surprisingly tasteless. It might’ve been made of yak’s milk.

My entry from 5 Dec makes it sound as if I’m going crazy. I’m not, at least not most of the time. I actually think I’m coping rather well and am largely enjoying motherhood. But, it still means that I’ve had to put my needs and wants on hold for Jake’s needs. This is what being a parent is about – I know that. I’m not complaining (much). But it means my focus and energy is completely for Jake and I can’t really think of myself, so I resent it when Paul does think of himself. It makes me feel alone.

We took Jake out over the weekend, both times towards Springfield Park and both times he started crying in his buggy on the way there. Paul had to take him out and carry him in the bjorn. I hope he’s not developing a hatred for his stroller. I can take him out in the sling but not always or my back would give in again. Joetta says they just do that sometimes, so hopefully it’s just a phase and nothing permanent. This entry feels so inane, like it’s skipping over the surface and not really telling the truth about anything.

And I want to tell the truth. Not only to find the truth but to be able to tell it, at least to myself. It is essentially why I am compelled to write though I often forget and get sidetracked by a need for approval. I still struggle to distinguish between what I really feel and what I think I ought to feel. I’ve always blamed this mainly on my mother’s obsession with appearances and other people’s judgements. I grew up believing that other people’s opinions of me were more important than my own. Being 36 still hasn’t changed that.

It’s petty but I hate my clothes these days. What I wear is severely limited because I am constantly breastfeeding, and most clothes designed for breastfeeding make me look frumpy and are expensive to boot. I’m still wearing my maternity jeans because the ones I wore pre-bump were hipster flares and annoying and I don’t have time to go shopping and yes, I only have one pair. When I sit I get balloon crotch and when I walk they slip down, taking my underwear with them, and on tired days (like today), these trivial things are enough to undo me.

Met Mad on the Southbank with Jake yesterday. The German market was disappointing (limited and unimaginative) but we had a great lunch at lively, pram filled, child-friendly Giraffe. I had Japanese deep fried tiger prawns and a super healthy veggie feta oregano salad. Mad had stir fried edamame and Thai Duck and held Jake for me while I ate. My salad contained spinach, rocket, steamed broccoli, borlotti beans, mung bean sprouts, avocado, cherry tomatoes, feta and quinoa with a herby dressing. I fed Jake at The National and in the loo at Giraffe. It was a tiring but lovely day.

Went to breastfeeding group yesterday and it was brilliant. It was much busier this week, with a few new people too, but it was great, I really enjoyed it. Growing up the way I did, I never experienced the closeness or community of extended family, or of any group of women, be it aunts or otherwise. There was something sacred about all of us Mums just breastfeeding our babies and talking about ourselves as mothers and women. I never expected it to, but it affirmed my own sense of motherhood and made me realise how important I am to Jake.

I know yesterday’s entry sounds funny right? How could I not realise how important I am to Jake. I’m his mother. I’m his only food source for a start, at least for now. But he’s such a confident and robust baby that sometimes I forget that he actually needs me. I’d left him with the group while I went to the loo and when I came back, the Mum who'd been playing with him said that he was so glad to see me when I returned, that he’d been looking for me. It made me feel much closer to him.

When I woke to feed Jake at 4am yesterday, I found him on his back! Not only had he managed to turn himself over, he’d also wiggled round so that he was lying widthways in his cot. He was holding his hands together and happily gurgling to himself. He’s been waking more frequently during the night lately, probably due to teething. I have no idea what tonight will bring. Paul has a cold and is bound to snore even more and I don’t know how much sleep I’m going to get. Despite the tiring week, I don’t feel too bad.

Spoke too soon. I really came down with the cold today and feel dreadful. Wasn’t good for much except lying in bed most of the day, body aching and shivering with fever. Paul was ill too though his symptoms peaked over the weekend. He spent most of the day looking after Jake while I was in bed. I haven’t felt this incapacitated for years. Jake spent most of the day crying. He only seemed to stop during his feeds. He has a temperature and he’s teething too. How is it that tiny babies have to suffer so much at once?

Decided to take Jake to see the doctor today, after two days of his almost non-stop crying. Of course as soon as we left the house, he calmed right down and didn’t even cry when we were waiting over half an hour to be seen. When the doctor examined him, he was smiling and gurgling. His temperature had disappeared and he seemed totally fine. The doctor did say that it would probably come back though and that he’d have a cough and a runny nose for another two to three weeks. Who knows though, maybe he’s finally turned a corner.

Still feel like death. I haven’t been this ill for 10 years, that time I had flu when I was staying over at Andrea’s and I fainted twice on my way to the loo to throw up. I had severe hives, a fever, a cold, and a tummy bug. I felt so bad I remember asking him not to go out to a party but he went anyway. While he was away, my fever got so bad and my hives were so red and angry I stood under a cold shower, crying with fear, convinced I was going to die.

We were too ill to take Jake to Low Hall to see Father Christmas. I was gutted, I really wanted to go and Paul had taken the day off especially for it. I tried to muster the energy for it but just ended up feeling worse. We did take him to be weighed in the evening though and ran into Valentina and Gabriella. He’s only gained about half a kilo in 7 weeks. The health visitor said it was fine, but it made me worry that I’m not eating well enough and it’s affecting the fat content of my milk.

Can’t believe it’s the 19th already. It’s been a hellish week, but right now, Jake is sitting in his chair, playing with his wiggle ball and grabbing his toes and doing his utmost to maintain his usual high spirits and smiling at me despite suffering a horrid runny nose and a slight fever. I was hoping he’d nap, but he doesn’t seem interested, despite all his yawning. I’m trying not to be negative about being on my own to look after Jake again, but it’s not easy. Plus it looks like he’s probably reading my stuff again. Paranoia or experience?

I guess I was just being paranoid about Paul reading my stuff. It’s hard to stop myself getting into a downward spiral of negative thinking. It’s almost become a reflex action – I feel like crap, I think bad thoughts, I feel worse, surprise surprise. Jake’s cold has also taken a turn for the worst. His temperature is back and he’s still having teething pains. Is it too much to hope that he gets his first teeth for xmas? Even so, he still manages to beam big smiles at us through it all. We could all learn a lot from him.

Forgot to mention earlier this week that Jake’s passport arrived so we decided to go ahead and book our flights to Thailand. I managed to shake off my dread about going and feel really positive about it. Even if all we do is spend the whole time visiting relatives, which we aren’t, it’s still going to be a change of scene for me and I’d have lots more people to help with Jake. In fact, Dad is planning trips to Trang, Cha-am and Chiang Mai and has even offered to look after Jake so I can snorkel and enjoy myself.

Dad actually said he was sure he’d be able to handle Jake well and that the only thing he lacks is breasts to feed Jake with. But, he wrote, I could make Jake happy “milkwise” and he’d take care of the rest so I wouldn’t have to miss out. It’s really sweet of him but we’d have to play it by ears. I still don’t know what Jake’s feeding patterns are going to be like. By now, Jake is supposed to be feeding less frequently but if anything, he’s feeding more like when he was a newborn because he’s teething.

It always irks me whenever people talk to me about their best friends. It’s like having a door slammed in my face. Because it implies I am not their best friend and because I don’t have a best friend myself. I don’t think I’ve ever had one, and if I ever did, it definitely hasn’t been since childhood. I never lived anywhere long enough to have a best friend and adult friendships, especially in London, have always seemed transient, no matter how many years they’ve got behind them. Do any of my friends think of me as their best friend?

It does make me wonder, how people see me and how I see myself. I’ve always thought of myself as friendly and approachable, but maybe I’m not. Especially as I get older, I wonder if I’m actually more standoffish and closed. Maybe people don’t find it easy to talk to me. I certainly don’t find it easy to talk to people – small talk has never come easily to me. I can’t stand inane chatter about nothing and putting on my best face to try to fit in and be accepted. I know, It’s xmas eve, but what does that mean?

It’s Jake’s first xmas and we’re all tired and under the weather. There will be no xmas dinner this year, not even a nut roast. Paul’s made a Mediterranean summer vegetable bake instead, at my request. He’s trying so hard to make me happy and I’m fighting it – why? Jake is too young to understand xmas, but he does seem to enjoy playing with wrapping paper. It’s just us today, which is how I’ve always liked xmas best. But it does almost seem like we are without family when everyone is making huge feasts and we’re watching musicals on TV.

We were supposed to see Barney & co today but they’ve all come down with a vomiting bug so we’re staying well away. Met up with Adeline, her boys and her parents, and Pat instead, at The Three Crowns in Stoke Newington. It’s a posh looking pub but it’s actually really child friendly, the place was full of families with babies. Pat and Paul had their vegan xmas nut roast dinners with gorgeous crispy roast tatties and I had a lush spinach and aubergine parmigiano. It was cold and grey but it was good to get out and see people.

Jake discovered his toes this month. He spends quite a bit of time grasping his feet and trying to put them into his mouth, especially when he’s lying down or when he’s in the bath. It’s so adorable. He doesn’t seem to be screeching anymore though, that seems to have been short lived. Perhaps it’s because his throat hurts. The air in our bedroom gets so dry at night. I ordered a humidifier which can be used with essential oils. I still haven’t had a chance to make up that colds mix with the oils I ordered. Soon, hopefully. Soon.

Went out for a brief walk today and got takeaway from the Turkish restaurant nearby that’s always empty. The food was amazing. We got kisir, a bulgar wheat dish with chilli oil; fried cheesy boreks (six in a portion!), imam bayildi, gorgeous beans, vegetarian pide and lovely bread. It was a feast. We even had the privilege of watching Arsenal beat Portsmouth! It was as close to feeling festive and positively cheerful as I’ve felt since this cold set in. Don’t get me wrong, the cold is still making me grumpy, but today, there was a silver lining at last.

After five days at home with us, Paul went back to work today. It felt wrong but he has had a lot of time off lately. At the same time, it does feel like Jake’s been out of routine for a while and things have felt unsettled. It’s going to be like this for a bit longer though – through recovering from our colds, through Jake teething, through our visit to Congleton and eventually Thailand. It could be awhile before things feel normal again, whatever normal is. After all, life is what is happening now, and I guess that’s what’s normal.

Jake slept fairly well last night, with a six hour block followed by a two hour block, that I actually felt really good today. I was able to enjoy being with him without the underlying tiredness though it did get a bit stressful when Vicky was here and we were trying to eat. We’d gotten Chinese delivered and Jake got hungry halfway through our meal. But then he fell asleep during his feed for almost two hours. Vicky was feeling emotional and rough but she came anyway and she brought presents! Gorgeous handcream for me and a book for Jake.

Just when we thought things were getting better for Jake, and just as Paul and I were making plans for doing something together for New Year’s Eve after Jake goes to sleep, he had a restless night. He woke four times in the first three hours after we put him down, then again at 3am. Thankfully he slept from then until 7:30am. It was teething and his blocked nose, the colds mix didn’t seem to be as helpful for his breathing last night as the night before. He’s crying a lot today, probably cos I’m distracted writing this. Bad Mommy!