We are here now. In Michigan. I hope He is happy about this fact. I hope he loves us, and allows us to love him. I believe I have the patience to accept all that he is, and hope he has the same for us. Who knows what is to come? I cant really remember a lot of what is behind me, so there is not much point in worrying about more than just the now. Isn’t that what “they” tell us to do. Live in the now. That’s what they say. Who are “they” exactly, anyway? I can’t remember

Mostly I feel like I fit here. At night, in Michaels arms, I feel like I fit, mostly. There’s still a bit of a ghost there, I don’t try to compete with it. If he still needs to hold on to the ghost like a pillow, I try to understand this, one can not watch 10 years simply disappear and not try to hang on to at least the ghost, right? Especially when four of those years were spent, waiting. Waiting for what? Waiting for Godot. Immobilized under an elm tree, trying to pull off boots, while waiting for Godot.

We went to Amanda’s for lunch today. Even though I had never met her before, I felt like I knew her. Michael talks about her a lot. She is beautiful … I mean, really, physically beautiful. With her, reside two dogs, two ferrets, two cats, a squirrel and a hamster. We went there so Michael could look at her car, but it began to rain before the problem could be found, which was probably good because Michael seemed to be getting a little frazzled, so the rain gave him what seemed to be a much needed out. Thank you Rain.

I have a UTI. I dunno what it is, but ever since zoe was born, i've had trouble with my Kidneys. I feel like i've tried everything, but nothing works really. The infection lingers there....this time around the pain isn't so bad. I don't have fever, but my back hurts and i can smell my pee..this drives me a little insane. If there is a god, then he has a pretty sick sense of humor, considering i have a hard enough time convinvcing myself that i am clean *down there*, without having to smell my own pee. ugh

it is saturday and the 4th of july has passed without much of a bang. We walked to Michael's work yesterday to walk home with him and we saw a few fireworks. Mostly green ones.

Zoe went to sleep last night without too much effort. I guess she is getting used to *here* ... maybe we all are. I think *here* is nice. It is peacful, which is really the point of being, i think...finding somewhere where it is peacful, finding someone where its peacful. Its peacful with Michael. I hope he thinks we are his peacful. I hope.

Today was the perfect Sunday. In celebration of our being here a week, Michael took Zoe and me to breakfast at The Coney. Afterward, we rented Zoe a new movie. Around 1 we walked to the park and played for a bit and then had some ice cream. When we came home we went swimming. The water was cold, so we didn’t stay long, but it felt good. Michael went to play Frisbee golf with some friends from work. We are waiting for him to come home so we can eat dinner together. It doesn’t get any better than this.

I met Michael Jr today. He looks like a blonde version of the Jason I remember when I was a kid. He’s tall, and lanky and sort of has a relaxed way about him. I remember Jason being pretty goofy when he wasn’t being straight mean. I wonder if I would have harbored so much resentment towards him if he hadn’t disappeared when I was so young. Like, if we’d been able to finish our childhood together, maybe it would have ran it’s course and memories would have faded instead of being held on to. He WAS pretty mean though.

I’m having a blah day. My period started yesterday, so I feel like I am about 30 lbs heavier (im really about 3) and none of my clothes want to lay right. Maybe its just my perception. I never look at someone and think “their clothes are not sitting right, they must be on their period!” I wonder if Michael has looked at me this morning, and thought exactly that. If he has, he hasn’t said anything. Today’s a day of worry. What if he gets tired of us, or feels overwhelmed by the extra clutter we create. What if?

I think in sentences. You would think this fact would lend itself to my writing, but it doesn’t seem to, I still sit here, looking at an almost blank screen, wondering why I cant seem to think in sentences when I am trying to fill up the screen…but then, I just thought these sentences. I never SAID I think in GOOD sentences, or worthwhile sentences. I used to punctuate my thought sentences, but that doesn’t happen as much anymore now. The computer punctuates my words for me. I never touch to apostrophe, it appears, like magic. Emails usually go unpunctuated.

I know Michael’s words have been submitted. I wonder what he wrote about. He sent me one of the days. It was about his new writing room. The room is shaping up quite nicely. He tinkers in there a little each day, and im sure by the time he gets it “just so” it will be ready for one of his kids to need it. I think its neat that he has a space for them, and that they feel comfortable using it if they need it. They are secure in them. That must be a really nice feeling. loved

Im a little tired of writing these words, right now. If the task at hand is not directly going to benefit someone else or if it’s not per someone’s request, then it often goes by the wayside. Am I even doing these words for myself? I don’t know, I don’t think so, maybe. Part of me would like to learn to write. I have stories to tell, but usually cant get beyond a sentence or two, often a sentence that would fall in the middle somewhere. what do you do with a sentence that has nothing to go around it?

I can SEE that she IS me. But, then, sometimes I look at her and there is a face there, that, although, I absolutely recognize it, its not me at all. Its him. How does she do this? Change faces. At first I think it’s the nose. Her nose is quite obviously ~not white~ , but its also the lip, the forehead, especially the dimples above her eyebrows. Sometimes only the color of her eyes seem to come from me, but that seems to be enough to make people say “she looks EXACTLY like you” she doesn’t though, except sometimes

I screwed up. I thought it would be bright to write my words on the word processor, because it can count the words for me. I will admit I fell a little behind, just like I always do with this game, but I still wanted to finish the month, usually I just let the months lay there, incomplete, forgotten, because I may be a failure, but, generally, im not a cheater. So anyway, I was cutting and pasting, because, remember, I had a brilliant plan, and I cut and paste the same thing in to two different days. you'll see

He doesn’t seem to talk about her much, here. In the words. She is not his well kept secret, though, because he talks about her other places. Maybe she is strewn through out his words. Maybe she is the syrup from his entry about the pan cakes. I don’t know. I know her shadow never seems to go away. Im not sure how this makes me feel, or if it even makes me feel much of anything, except that I am sorry for his pain. I don’t like the people I love to feel pain, but sometimes its just unavoidable.

Humans are a little like cats, I think. At some point we have our lives taken away from us, and we have to start over. Or, maybe we just crumple them up sometimes, tossing them away like pieces of paper, in to the trash. I think I have experienced both. I wonder how many lives I have left, not very many, I would imagine. Im tired of starting over. I don’t feel like I need a lot from this life. I am tired of my etch-a-sketch being shaken. Id really like to get it “just so” at some point.

He said, sometimes he wishes he could go home. My first reaction was to wish that he saw Zoe and me as his home. I listened more, without trying to discuss, without trying to find out the whys or the what ifs. I decided I understood where he was coming from, a little. Maybe. Its difficult for me to understand, because I don’t know that I have ever felt at home anywhere. Maybe when I was little? It was me by myself a lot, so, I don’t know, maybe I want to go home too, but where is that exactly?

I can SEE that she IS me. But, then, sometimes I look at her and there is a face there, that, although, I absolutely recognize it, its not me at all. Its him. How does she do this? Change faces. At first I think it’s the nose. Her nose is quite obviously ~not white~ , but its also the lip, the forehead, especially the dimples above her eyebrows. Sometimes only the color of her eyes seem to come from me, but that seems to be enough to make people say “she looks EXACTLY like you” she doesn’t though, except sometimes

Two boxes on this row, seven on the next, one on the last, then Im done. That’s only 1000 words, should not be difficult to accomplish. My mind’s slowed way down today. One would think this’s a good thing, especially they knew how flighty my mind can be, but it has slowed down too much. I don’t feel like thinking, I don’t feel like doing anything. Really id like to sleep, but im sure zoe would have something to say about that. it would really be nice if, when I was done with my thought, id be at 100 words.

I have met all of Michaels kids now. I like them. Im not sure how they feel about me. I wish I could say it was irrelevant. But its not. They are important, they are important to Michael, thereby making them important to me. Just as important to me, as I would hope zoe is to Michael. Zoe and Michael seem to be getting along. She misses him when he is gone, she has said as much. She runs to him when he comes out from sleeping. I wonder if it makes him feel as good as it would me.

What happened on the 20th? Oh hell, like I am really going to remember that far back. Well, it was a Sunday, so we probably would have gone to the coney, but I don’t think we did, because we had already eaten out twice that week. Once with Tom and once with Jenny, so eating out, I don’t think, appealed to either of us at the moment. One of these days I would like to eat at the yum yum tree. How can one resist eating at some place called the yum yum tree? The name itself makes me happy

I think it probably rained this day. I think we were going to go kayaking, but zoe lost her fingernail in a small battle with the door. She wanted in, and Michael didn’t want her to seem him nekkid. I don’t blame him, the only reason she gets to see me nekkid is because she came from my loins, that and we are both girls. If she were a boy would I allow her to see me nekkid? Good question. God damn word requirement. I really am quite finished with my thought. Uh two guys walk in to a bar…

The dark blue boxes are being swallowed by the light blue ones. Maybe I will learn to be more diligent and actually write on the day these are due, or at least close to them. It takes like what. Maybe five to ten minutes per day? Less if im just rambling, which, lets face it, I generally am. I spend a few hours per day sorting through emails. Im sure I can find 5 minutes to write a nonsensical paragraph. Cuz really, doing half of them at once is a bit tedious, and starting to feel a little like work

He came home with a rose for me. It is really quite pretty, it reminds me of a tiger or a zebra, except its primary color is red. Its starting to look a bit depressed at the moment, I wonder if it sighed before it bowed its head. It must have happened sometime in the night. I guess it is a little depressing knowing you have to decorate someone’s desk when your dying and all. The baby’s breath are still pretty proud. But then, they are babies, what do they know of depression at this point, right? Protect the innocent

I like nap time. I like it especially if I can manage not to fall asleep myself. My quiet time has been drastically limited now that zoe has somehow become allergic to bedtime. She takes naps, like a champ, but at night, when it counts, she doesn’t seem to want to give in to Sleep. Maybe I need to set her bedtime back to nine o’clock. I don’t know. Something. I need quiet time too, and once she goes to bed, its so late that that becomes Michaels time, which I like too, but I still need lisa time. Sometime

August’s almost here. Michaels birthday is in august, I think tom’s is as well. I wonder how they celebrate birthdays in this family. I bought Michaels gift. Its not much, but in my opinion it carries some sentimental value. That’s what’s important right? He seems like a very appreciative person. I think we both are, I think we are both caring, I think we are good for each other. Mostly I think he thinks that too, but I still cant help but feel a tiny bit insecure that he might change his mind. Maybe im just being silly. It happens

Im on my last one for the month and zoe’s just woken up. Has it been two hours already? No, really its only been like an hour since she fell asleep. But at least it was an hour, even though, today I could have used at least an hour and a half. Maybe we need to eat some ice cream. Its hot outside, and ice cream always seem to bring out good feelings, so long as one doesn’t eat too much. Im sure zoe would not be opposed to having ice cream as a snack. Maybe Michael will join us?

Four weeks today. On Tuesday it will officially be a month. Did it go by quickly? I think so. Am I surprised by any parts of Michael yet? I don’t think so. Maybe he speaks in the negative more in person, but I think most people do. We’ve time to think about what we are going to say when we are typing it, we have time to think about what we SHOULD say, or to sluff off an initial reaction and state how we really feel? I don’t know. If my opinion matters, I think we are a good fit.

Im looking at my calander for 100 words.I have to fill in a sort of blotchy pattern so I can submit the month. I’m not built for routine, I guess. Although there are some things I do on a regular basis. I check my BB groups, I’ve taken to making coffee every morning for Michael, and I have started drinking one cup of it myself. We walk most days. Michael tends to pick me up when I fall off that track. I wonder if he knows that I need him as much as he says he needs me. I wonder

Zoe is rebelling against the toilette. She will go right up to it and proceed to pee in front of it, on to the floor. She crapped in her pants at McDonalds the other day. Im guessing its just her way of controlling some sort of situation. Im sorry if she feels out of control. I will go to the dollar tree and buy up some treats, so that way she can be in control of whether she gets a treat or not, and perhaps she will make good choices. Most people make pretty good choices when candy is involved

He had a hard time getting kick started today. I thought it’d be fine once we went to dinner with Amanda. Dinner was nice. It was half off. On the way home, things took a turn for the weird. Sometimes I feel like he gets in a place where no matter what the words are he hears criticism. I did criticize him once tonight, though. Later we spoke of it, and we came to terms. Calmly. I like calm. I think that we will be just fine, he and I, even if a little unconventional. But that’s my life. Unconventional.

“I don’t want kids”, what it says on her myspace. Somehow, I find that to be one of the saddest lines I’ve read since Joshua turns three in September. I asked her to leave him with me, although I don’t know how I would have cared for him if she had. Im sure she knew that if she left him with me he would have ended up taken from me by Farrell or Robin, and she didn’t want that. Now he is gone, somewhere, and no one knows where but her apparently. When I think of her, I think “cunt”