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BY staring

01/17 Direct Link
There was a guy sitting 4 stools down from Steve and I at the Wagon Wheel, drinking a pitcher alone. He was around my age. He had thick hands and a manly face and I occasionally turned my head to the left to gaze at him. My friend was talking about something, but I had to ask him to repeat himself, too busy fantasizing about having a boyfriend of my own that liked to read. I wanted a chest I could lay my head upon as I read. I wanted arms that hold me tight. I needed to wake up.
01/18 Direct Link
My dad pulled a large grey fleece over my shoulders. He asked why I didn't want to wear glasses and I said contacts were easier. We arrived at the same emergency room a couple months ago. I felt lucid, but frustrated over not being able to put my shoulder back in myself. An attractive male nurse with shaved black hair and tennis shoes asked a few questions and I answered most of them, even though my dad was more than willing to do so himself. He then called another nurse and said I looked fine. So do you, I dreamt.
01/19 Direct Link
Took a vicodin this morning and turned on the The Tudors. I started to get sleepy due to the effects of the pain reliever, so went back under the covers, not bothering to to remove my clothes with one arm. I slept 3 more hours and watched more of young King Henry VIII under the covers with different women. His eyes were light blue and he was fiercly handsome. It didn't seem to matter if he slept around, but if his wife did the same she would surely be divorced or executed. I sighed, thankful for the social advancements of today.
01/20 Direct Link
I couldn't go anywhere but the picnic basket today, so it was more of the same. The party store was curiously devoid of eligible bachelors. Even Al himself was indisposed, in his office behind the mirror. Lindsey heard about my last 'episode' and told me to be careful. I nodded and shared a few words but noticed that it hurt to talk, having bitten my tongue a couple days ago. Outside, I saw the first young man today but thought he was perhaps too young as I self conciously concealed my sling. Back home, I found another actor to admire.
01/21 Direct Link
Today was the last day of The Tudor series, so I succumbed to the idea of there perhaps being an attractive cashier working at the CVS. There wasn't, so I returned home and turned off the TV, tired of my fleeting on-screen crushes. I began reading, carefully sipping ham chowder out of a mug with one arm. Soon I tired, so I secured my sling and took a nap. To my surprise, my dad woke me up later and took me out to eat, giving me the chance to admire a gentle waiter with slicked black hair in-person.
01/22 Direct Link
I spotted an attractive man with a Nikon at the DIA beside Rachel and I tonight. He had a park ranger's build, and I assumed he was taking art history...trying to look at the emotion behind the paintings as well. Based on the way he moved from specific pieces of art like a fruit fly, I figured he was only studying particular artists like Picasso or Matisse. I highly doubted he was with the woman in clickety boots wearing large amounts of perfume. She wanted nothing more than to be another exhibit herself, and was too unlike the man.
01/23 Direct Link
I counted six beeps from my phone, charging in the other room, as I envisioned the floorplan of a friend's house. I was reading and the characters were having wine and Lasagna. They decided to play Monopoly afterward, sponging off the table as the dishes were cleared. I thought back to how different it was last time. Everything felt very formal and lacked the spontanaeity I'd grown accustomed to whether it was me guiltily concealing my hickeys, or reveling in the shared belief that anything was possible. I'm just never going to find it again if I'm looking for it.