My comments on Huna are based on my experiences rather than intellectual analysis. For the most part it's been fun and interesting. This time it's a little more challenging though, because I’m in a rather extended period of chaos. The test of a good system is that it helps us analyse our experience in chaos. Such a system works when it brings structure into that chaos. Huna is such a system in that it performs, when I choose to remember to use it, by showing me how everything is working out perfectly and what I can learn from its perfection.

When, in the course of my job I feel overwhelmed by the effects of empathy. I feel "taken over" by the unexpressed feelings of the families I work wit, first level with its multitude of separate things, its individuals clothed in skins and surfaces, becomes me sanctuary, my refuge and respite Feeling saturated with undesirable connection, I withdraw into separation, while pursuing the stuff the world appears to be made of.

Eventually I am led back to connection through that same extreme focus, as on the leaf that connects to the stem attached to the root. I am still community.

I wanted take all the emotion and ground it in all seven principles. Only confidence stood up separating itself from the others, and with it I stood up inside and reclothed myself in the skin of the world. I felt taller, straighter,and-- more confident. I could see things as distinct and not as part of a general pattern. I walked around all day like that, noticing clarity, feeling contained and whole. Knowing that I can choose what I close myself around is a gift of first level.

Today I contain myself. Tomorrow I might consider the rest of the world.

Greed and hoarding, overspending and overeating define my environments, my life. All this time the behavior has been trying to show me how to balance myself It is my distorted way of telling me to close my borders to outsiders, to come back into my embodied self, to celebrate separation, individuality, and definition.

I avoid spaciousness and encourage clutter. Today I’m changing, consciously, by making space around things. I still have jars of beads and rusted found objects, books, baskets to remind me of my need for containment. They have importance now because they add to my order and clarity.

I joined a knit-along and rather than keep track of my progress within the files of the group, I’ve decided to do it here. Why? It’s too crowded there. There are four thousand people signed up and it seems that most of them are online.. That’s not accurate, but to someone like me, who shuns large collections of speaking women, in particular, there are enough emails to feel crowded.. And they are email conversations that are not fun to read. Or write. I’m not a social talker. I write monologues.

So, I ripped the first knitting off and started again.

I’ve finally got the text for the Huna podcast written. It’s taken all month to get it right. I’m not sure if it’s been a different form of procrastinating or truly processing the material I am writing about. I’ve wanted it to be right. Not just be technically accurate. Anyone can do that. I want what I contribute to be emotionally accurate.

I assume, rightly or wrongly, that there are people listening to the podcasts relate to what I’m experiencing. I know about Huna. I don’t live it with as much focus as the others seem to.

It's my story.

Saturday night is supposed to be party night. Not for me. It’s the middle of my work week. I tried. I really did. Played ping pong for the first time in a bajillion years and did ok for myself. Much better than I remember playing. I guess at twelve or thirteen how well you play matters. At fifty something it doesn’t. The kids played and kept score. I danced instead. There was a live band, a blues band, and I danced for the first time in half a bajillion years. That felt a little strange. I felt drunk without drinking.

What’s today? Sunday? I really don’t like it when I don’t know what day of the week it is. My work schedule is too fluid at the moment having added shifts and taken away shifts and changed who’s where when I am working.

I managed to finish something though. That’s my goal for the month of July, to finish things. I finished the first chart of my mystery stole. It’s a piece of knitted lace that is more holes than fabric. I’m not a lace knitter and am unusually slow with this project. Lots of ripping out and knitting back.

My other project for July is to anchor myself in the “real” world more. I figured out that the way to do that best is through writing. I’ve felt that writing was important for me but I hadn’t worked out exactly how to use it.

Words, used in just the right way, form a bridge between intuitive and concrete reality. That’s the best way I know how to say it right now. If you think of intuition as water and concrete reality as air, words are where water dissolves into air and air into water. Think effervescence, mist and steam.

There’s a TV commercial that asks what is so valuable to you that you would put it on a pedestal. It’s an insurance ad and the people are putting lots of different objects on the thing. Trying to at least.

My version answers the question “What would you grab in a fire?” I couldn’t have answered that clearly a week ago. Today, however, I can answer clearly: my writing. That is what I value most of all my possessions. The work I’ve done, the notes I’ve made, all that is what matters most to me. The rest is stuff. Replaceable.

Actually went out to the theater at midnight, or thereabouts, to see the latest Harry Potter movie. Not particularly thrilled about the film but this one did produce better “illustrations” to the book than the others. Some good comic moments and a couple of good “see it in the theater and not at home” moments.

I’m looking forward to the last book more. Not only to I want to know how it all ends, but I also want to see how she does the work. I’ve enjoyed her threading of clues and seeding of false trails very much.

Just sayin’.

I got to work late today. I’ve got to keep a better record of where I am supposed to be and when. I thought that I could write the time and day on the windshield, but I haven’t done that yet. I’ve got involved with a Petra exercise on the Hunatrainer website. I’ve started calling it “Petra Sez” and the workout is working.

The game is to pay attention. We pay attention to our environments progressively over five days. On the first day, you pay attention once. On the second day you do it twice, and so on. Let’s start.

OK. So I didn’t start right away. We went to see Harry Potter and I spent yesterday recovering from it. Got home after three in the morning. Sat in the car writing out stuff until it was done and turned in. It wasn’t a very good night.

I ended up playing bully to back up Mum and the family. We wanted to sit together and kids who’d been there since eight didn’t want to relinquish the handicapped seating. There was another wheelchair space with one seat next to it, which would have meant that two of us were left out.

I got to be just the babysitter last night. The gang needed to see the movie and didn’t have a baby sitter. So I stayed.

It felt good to be just the babysitter. More relaxed. I enjoyed the feeling of the release. I watched television. I don’t remember what else I did. It was just that kind of night. I also didn’t write anything. I think I worked on my knitting a bit. Or not. After work I went back to the theater to look for the embroidery hoop and project that I’d lost.

It dropped out of my purse.

It’s Sunday. I’m supposed to be working today and I am. It’s a quiet day. I have worked on the knitting a little bit. I photographed the rows so far. I like the effect of both the knitting and the photography. I’d finally put in a lifeline and only had to take the knitting back to the line once.

I get confused knowing what day it is. The schedule changes from week to week. I haven’t written on my windshield to keep myself on track.

I feel a little out of sorts about it. I want more order and comfort.

Wait a minute! I didn’t work on Sunday. Sunday got traded for Wednesday this week. I worked on Saturday. The touchy feely lady was there and even though I don’t liked being touched that way, she left me with a good feeling about myself. She said I have a good body, and now, whenever I see my reflection, I notice the goodness of my body.

I also spent a lot of time on YouTube this weekend. Looking at dance videos. I really got interested in the pop and lock styles and instructions. Haven’t practiced any of them, but I might.

Finally, I’m mostly caught up.

I finished the first clue of the mystery stole today. Haven’t put in the new lifeline yet, but I took photos. I’ve taken quite a few photos over the last few days.

Doing Petra Sez finally and am really getting a benefit from it. I do feel more relaxed in the day to day. It’s not a passive relaxation. I don’t feel empty of feeling or even of tension. It’s instead the ability to act, that’s increased. Being focused outward for conscious moments a day. I even got a compliment from Petra for my attentiveness.

I’m now at the place where today and tomorrow overlap. On the board it’s tomorrow, Wednesday. In real life, it’s still Tuesday.

I’ve caught up on the posts. I haven’t caught up on my blog. In fact, I feel farther behind since I can’t get the page redesigned the way I want. I can’t get photos up the way I want. I just don’t understand how the system of the blog code works.

Doing Petra Sez, I’m feeling more relaxed even not doing what I want. I didn’t feel the physical tension I usually feel when I fail at something.

I just realized that I get to be among people who don’t know wands.

OK. For those who are reading this and have no idea of the significance of Friday being the twentieth of July, it is the day on which those of us who are interested, get to line up, hang out, and show off until we get our eager hands on the very last installment of Harry Potter. Whew.

Now, what does that have to do with wands? Duh. No, really. It’s not about magic unless you know nothing about how radio works. An antenna is a wand.

I’m working on my first knit-along. It’s a mystery knit and is supposed to come out as a stole, whatever that is. So far I’ve ripped, or frogged (rip it, rip it) the first part of the first clue twice.

I didn’t have the right size needles either, according to both my experience and Mum’s confirmation. She also reminded me that I’m better off using straight needles. The trend is to use circular needles for so many things and, having done my last round of knitting on public transportation, I’d forgotten what a difference knitting straight is.

Meanwhile, more knitting.

Finally made it past the first part of the clue. The pattern is written in charts, symbols for the stitches lined up on graphed paper. Generally I like charts, but I’m finding it a little difficult to keep my place on this one.

I think it’s because of the nature of lace knitting. Oh, yeah. The project is a proper lace pattern which means that there are patterns of holes surrounded by little bits of fabric. Lots of repetition of the same group of stitches which can be confusing. Wait. Which yarn over knit two together am I on?

Frog!

Finished the whole of the first clue and have learned a lot about myself as a knitter. First, I need lots of concentration to knit this stuff. Not my normal way of doing things. I usually have several activities going on around me at the same time.

I’m finding that I’m more likely to lose my place, or mispurl a stitch when there is conversation to attend to. Usually the return row, the backside of the knitting, is a place where I can relax, let my attention drift a bit, attend to my friends. Not this time.

Just keep focusing.

Made it through the second clue. I left off for a few days. Took some photos and tried to put them on my blog. The blog stuff’s not working but the knitting is. I still have to take back stitches (called “tinking” and if you’ve done it you know why), sometimes whole rows. But I’m learning how to do that more efficiently.

As usual, I thought that since I have been knitting for a while and have designed pieces and done a variety of techniques, that I would have no trouble with the project. Boy was I wrong.

I suck!

I’ve given up the charted directions for the written ones. It’s a way of writing out the instructions that I’ve never seen before. Mrs. Somebody writes out the instructions using a spreadsheet and as a result they are in columns.

Going along with learning something new about myself, I’ve found that I really like this new arrangement. Not only does she use columns, but she writes out the back side instructions as well. This means there is space between the pattern rows.

I hadn’t realized that the visual clutter of the chart or the usual layout of patterns were confusing.

OK. One hundred words at a time is not the best way to write about the experience of lace knitting. But it is a good way to fill up word count. Ok. So, where in the process was I? Efficient tinking.

I finally figured out that I don’t have to take out the stitches I’d made to get back to the mistake. I can just move the stitches from one needle to the other and fix whatever it is.

I wish that was all I had to do. Unfortunately, I also have to take out stitches. One. By. One. Tink!

I’m on the third clue, finally. I’ve put in a couple of lifelines, and had to use them both. A lifeline is a string you put into the stitches while they are on the needle. It’s there in case you have made such a muddle of the knitting that you have to frog back to the last known place of beauty and rightness.

It’s also there in case you pull the needle out of the knitting and the damned thing unravels. You watch in horror as the flimsy fabric becomes string again. In that case, it’s really a safety net.

Back to tinking. The problem I’m having with taking back stitches is knowing what they look like. Lace yarn is so fine that the loops that form the fabric can become embedded into other loops and so become lost to the eye.

Holes in lace are formed by taking the yarn over the needle and the width of the fabric is controlled by joining two or more loops together.

I’m almost done clue four. This is the extra long clue that Melanie intended for us to take time off to read during. And is that a weird sentence or what. I’ve got better at letting myself make mistakes in the knitting and moving on.

Lot’s more fixing stitch count at the end of the section. Also more efficiently placed stitch markers. As good as the written pattern layout is, I would change one thing. I’d organize it along the structure of the actual pattern more. I’ll get to see how that works since week five’s pattern is just chart.

Managed to write out the pattern. Put it on sticky notes stuck onto a grid pad. We’re supposed to put in a lifeline on a particular row and the question is, why? I figured it out. That is the last full repeat of both of the patterns used in the body. Don’t know why it’s absolutely recommended, though. Unless we’re supposed to unravel down to that point, or something.

I like having it on the stickies. I can move the pattern groups around as I work through whole sections. I also get to see how the individual motifs work.

Cool!

I’ve knitted to the lifeline row and put it down for the night. I realized that I still don’t know the structure of the stitches. This became quite apparent as I was trying to figure out how to thread the lifeline through the stitches that form the holes, the yarn-overs.

Since these are paired with either a doubled stitch that ends up as a single loop, or a single stitch, there is a particular look to them. I can recognize it when I go through the stitches on the back side, purling. I just don’t get it from the front.

I blew it! Not the knitting, the word count! Transferring the text from Word to the board, I missed a few words. SNOT!

Meanwhile, I’m moving along on the knitting. One advantage of sticking with a pattern, or in my case writing it out, is that familiarity sets in. In my case, I can now look at the graphic chart and knit without referring to it. I understand the patterns’ structures. Which means, thankfully, that I can get to my mistakes faster. There’s a lesson in here somewhere.

I’ll tease it out after I finish the clue. Meanwhile, keep knitting.