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BY Kay-dot

04/01 Direct Link
Sometimes I have this feeling or thought that I am not a full person, that I am a flat character, like in literature: a character who has no real depth, but is just an imitation or mock of real people. I do not think it is true; I am afraid it is, that I am a very typical generalized half-person without any independent or original thought. I do know, of course, that every person is a set of different projections and influences... I am afraid I am just that, but without the ability to further produce thought from that.
04/02 Direct Link
People do change, especially when they are young, though old age does not promise any stability. I am bound to change, and so is Cassondra, and Matthew -- that is why it is very rare for any good relationship to last when you are young. Both members are bound to change, and to learn, and to grow.
Cassondra is not happy where she is, now: in Boston. She cannot get comfortable, and already they are having problems. Nothing, nothing is guaranteed in their relationship.
I was thinking these things, and then I realized: Cassondra should not marry Elias. She can not.
04/03 Direct Link
I like being female; I love being very attractive and young and near-flawless, in the kind of way that a painting is flawless: it is not, by any means, but all of the flaws are intrinsic and lend to it's beauty. I feel most feminine when shopping for bras and panties, at certain other times, and when walking perfectly in very severe heels. The kind of stalking, flowing, floating walk that is reserved for models, and preying felines, the being-pulled-at-the-hips walk. I love being this decadent, soft, powerful creature. I do love being me.
04/04 Direct Link
Perhaps I should leave postcards addressed to myself around and write to the finders to send me secrets and messages. Maybe I should come up with something better. I like these small things you can do to create these little bonds outside of normal, everyday life; I'd like creating ripples. I would like to hand a flower to someone every day. I would like to write messages for people to find. I would like to write a letter and attach it to a balloon, or put it in a sealed bottle and throw it out to sea. One day.
04/05 Direct Link
I went outside today. I normally never do this merely for the sake of going outside -- it is always to get somewhere else indoors. Today, I did, and it was beautifully simple. I did not want anything else, I did not want to do anything else. The air and the scents were so much better -- the sounds and the breazes. The light was not painful or too warm... The light? I mean the sun. Now, I think, that I do not need the electric lights, or any clean well-lighted place. I can go outside, now, and finally be happy.
04/06 Direct Link
I do still wonder about him and check up on him sometimes -- I do still want to talk to him... but I cannot allow myself. This batch will undoubtedly be confusing and not in chronological order -- a lot of mixed up entries. The first batch is bound to be that way. Next will be better. There is no way to track my progress in this batch -- it has been sprawled all over the place. The entries are simply many of my daily reactions to the world around me, and what is happening to me. I miss Cassondra. I miss wine.
04/07 Direct Link
Today:
I sit at the Pheonix Cafe. Philosophers are on the walls: Ralph Waldo Emerson, among others. I did not cry today; I did not laugh today. I sat, I wrote, I thought, and I became so angry that I felt as if I were suffocating. I still cannot breathe -- I asked, how does one live like this? My being is a contradiction: every breath and beat and thought rejects its source. No contradiction should exist.
Today, for the first time, I felt anger, not sorrow or regret, that my best friend abandoned me forever. I said it would pass.
04/08 Direct Link
Those Greek boys.
The two most beautiful males I have ever seen are both Greek. Neither are named George. They have this look of absolute purity about them, though neither look naive nor untouchable. Undeniably virile; very cut and severe features; broad-shouldered; beautiful eyes with piercing stares. Perfect hair, of course: wirey yet soft, with, I am most sure, a trail of soft downy fuzz from the navel down. These high cheekbones that frame those lovely eyes. They were imperfectly god-like.
They look like this no longer; they have changed. Thus end my Winter Dreams...
Those Greek men.
04/09 Direct Link
Boredom is a terrible thing.
I am uninspired today.
Everything and anything bad in life appears when you are bored.
I can do nothing and not be bored.
So you can only be bored when there is something terrible in your life.
Mine is Matthew.
It is almost suffocating.
Today, I am bored because the most beautiful thing in my life turned horrible and ugly, and I used to love and now I resent and... How feelings change. How seasons change.
This is the year that I start hating Winter.
04/10 Direct Link
I don't know what is going to happen. I have no control. There is no right thing, is there? There are good and bad and mixed things. I know one thing: that the ultimate goal in life is true joy and hapiness. Live life etre happy. That is what I aim for, when I am sober. Some people have nothing to aim for. Some people are too afraid to even think -- and that is why I was raised Catholic, and that is why young men enlist in the army, and that is why people trap themselves in hopeless relationships.
04/11 Direct Link
It is the color of life.
A severe red; slutty red; sexetary red; blood red, but only red like blood when you are hit in the nose or the mouth, or when you cut your hand while you are chopping onions in the kitchen. The kind of red like blood that is thin and makes a big mess everywhere; the kind that is not supposed to be bled: it is full of oxygen. Red like, I am most sure, Judy Jones' lips. Red like candied cherries.
I only sport this color nail polish when I am feeling particularly superior. Today.
04/12 Direct Link
I have not known loneliness as I am about to feel. My best friends are finished with me and are to move on. Matthew has replaced me completely; Cassondra has a romantic relationship.
I cannot resign myself. I am riddled with anxiety, lately.
Even still I await his phone calls, and I cannot sleep because of it. I hope my mind and emotions settle down. Everything gets so excited when he pays any attention to me.
They would both rather have someone else. When will I find another? All I can see are the cattle. I am surrounded by cattle.
04/13 Direct Link
My dreams have been returning. Every night, now.
Dreams of heroic Greek mermen, of cruel older male lovers, of young and fiery Italian village boys, of seducing young, sleepy and wide-eyed brunette boys, of being fucked on an airplane. Dreams of anyone and everyone but Matthew, thankfully.
I find that I have to strip down in order to sleep. Though, I like being the object of so many male fantasies.
Falling asleep is so much more intrguing when met with always strong and forceful and stubborn and lively men from films, from brief encounters, and from short secret affairs.
04/14 Direct Link
Sexual attraction certainly does help to heal wounds from spoiled relationships...
Now all the old feelings and memories are alienated and seem awkward and strange, which, I suppose, makes the entire process less painful. I never got to this point all the other times he fucked everything up and left me. Making progress, I see. I don't talk about it ever anymore. I suppose I ought to. I suppose I ought to be comforted by his happiness, but, as of now, I am not. It does not seem fair in the least.
I cannot resign myself.
04/15 Direct Link
Today was the first sunset over Lake Erie in a very long time. It was, of course, forty degrees outside -- so I didn't go anywhere. Now it is eight minutes before midnight, and I am sitting, and I am talking to Matthew for once, and trying to get to know Dionysus at the same time, while writing one hundred words, and then counting to one hundred. I am a very bad multitasker, but it is the very best thing for me right now: I do not have the capacity to be sad, and the business and action cheers me.
04/16 Direct Link
Thus far, 31 people have died in a shooting on a Virginia campus. Strange: I always think these things would happen more often. It happens in other places, but it never seems so big to me. Not even terrorism. A little more of my innocence has died, I move on. I only know how big a deal such things are by the world's reaction.
I am not afraid. I think it is all one giant cycle that the world goes through: Everyone always goes through times like these; everyone always thinks the world is going to end. It is contiguous.
04/17 Direct Link
I do not know if what I plan to pursue later in life will make me happy: nuclear science, philosophy, literature and culture? Perhaps, when faced with some of the deepest secrets and mysteries of the universe revealed, the human heart crumbles. Or, when a person is burdened with a higher awareness and intelligence, a hole is torn in his heart. Perhaps the tree of knowledge was forbidden for a reason: now I seek simplicity, and cannot achieve it. I am wandering through life, dissatisfied with most of the people I meet. I cannot resign myself.
04/18 Direct Link
They are trying to show us the videos he sent to NBC: the entire ordeal bothers me a little, but seeing any bit of him makes me feel sick. Seeing him speak, seeing his face and hearing his voice: it makes me sick. It's almost terrifying, and I do not know why. It is disturbing to see such a wretched and disturbed person express it all... it's like fear of infection or disease.
I am finding more interesting and intelligent and attractive people; always helpful in dying friendships. Today: I have been speaking to God.
He is BaL.
04/19 Direct Link
I need you. I need you. I need you to kick the chair.
Matthew gone, I do not feel very much guilt about the very strange and emotional things I do. We do not speak.
I like Greek people. They are oh-so attractive. It is a bit absurd. Dionysis, Elias, Kostas. Why are they all so attractive? They are even unrelated. But they are all so attractive.
Beauty does not last forever, and it fades. I wove that into the tangent I went on about the loveliness of Greek men.
In my heaven, it would rain Greek men.
04/20 Direct Link
Donc. Il etait tres sympa a moi le soir dernier. Je revais de Dionysis souvent... Je restais dans mon lit, et je pensais et je revais de sa belle figure. C'est fantastique. Je soupis. C'est vrai -- J'aime bien sa visage.
Oh, je veux etre avec lui. Je veux embrasser ces levres. Je veux le baiser.
Ha -- le francais! Est-ce que "baiser" veut dire que "to fuck", ou "to kiss"? C'est drole.
Ce coup de coeur me cause etre heureuse. C'est amusant. Mais je espere que il m'aime bien. Juste un tout petit peu.
04/21 Direct Link
Cassondra is going to move to Boston this Thursday. Everyone is being nice to me and talking to me about it and saying how sorry they are as if she has died. Moving is very difficult; being away from your best friend by years is painful. Nyo nyo was right, though -- who gives a shit? We are too good of friends and too close to fall out. We'll be almost as good of friends as ever. When she began leaving, I took it hard. But it didn't need to be that way. We both just had to adjust.
04/22 Direct Link
Ah, Dionysis. Il as un regard fort... un regard beau. Je l'idealise beaucoup. Il est meme un homme tres beau.
Je n'aime plus Matthew... pas du tout, vraiment. Il m'ennuie epoque actuelle. Je ne veux plus etre un ami de lui. Il ne essaie plus parler avec moi. Il est un ami inutile.
Un jour, je vais etre avec Dionysis. Je suis determine! Cassondra aussi -- elle approve de lui. Elle l'aime bien. Je vais etre avec lui du moins une fois.
Oh, ces yeux. Ce regard. Cettes levres. Ces poils. Ces cheveux. Cette peau beau.
04/23 Direct Link
I think that I will probably be done with him. I want to go back to being happy and careless. I give up.
I realized today while being alone the meaning of "Your Blood versus Your Blues." Or, perhaps, one of several meanings.
It is not fair that Matthew left all this shit behind -- it makes everything more difficult. He did/does not even try. Cassondra doesn't seem to try either.
I appreciated nature a bit today -- sometimes I forget how vivid everything looks. Maybe that is why I am willing to be blind: I don't appreciate sight.
04/24 Direct Link
Cassondra has moved. I did cry a bit last night -- but I am sure we will be fine. It has rained for the last few days, and we haven't been able to wear our outfits: matching dresses, matching sunhats, matching shoes. It is not the pleasant kind of rain, either; it is very cold, very clammy, not at all refreshing. I am hoping Dionysis will keep me company, now. I need someone.
I want to go places; to travel; to live everywhere. Sometimes I wish I could paint the things I see, and the people. Some people are beautiful...
04/25 Direct Link
My days will be filled with montonoy, redundancy; shallow; spent with anyone who has the time. I must fill my days with something.
Everyone is very quiet and cautious around me, now. They ask very loudly and clearly about Cassondra. I respond as if I am not phased, or worried, or lonely. But as Dionysis said so eloquently: who gives a shit? We will be fine. We will always be best friends.
I may sometimes become jealous... I did when I saw those pictures of her and that other pretty girl.
04/26 Direct Link
He is a very great person to talk to -- much smarter than Matthew. Conversations are better than ever had with Matthew. He is very funny; his grip on the English language still impresses me. His jokes are funny. I watch the video often, of course, and sigh and smile. I wish I could see him look at me again -- it was riveting. Oh, that stare.
Matthew still pisses me off sometimes, but talking about him is always very refreshing. I am back to spite, but he deserves every bit of it. I had never said "fuck you" to anyone before.
04/27 Direct Link
I am becoming forgetful. I do not take well to change.
It is very strange: it feels as if Cassondra has been gone for months, but it has only been one day. This happens to me a lot; I adapt quickly, but not well. The longest it ever took me to adapt was when Matthew fucked me over. That is saying a lot.
Sometimes I still feel... something. I long not for him, but for a happy relationship, for the security and the comfort and the control. The gratification. One day I will have someone to call my own again.
04/28 Direct Link
It is difficult to accept all of the elements of life -- that love and war and joy and suffering all exist side by side... but it is a balance. Balance is part of life. I understood for a long time what war is, and now I am beginning to understand why it is. Why suffering is --
I underestimated Dionysis, to be sure, and overestimated Matthew -- or just wrongly glorified him. Both Matthew and Dionysis see, but Dionysis can think and discern why, in some form. It is fulfulling, speaking to him and learning from him. No one else does that.
04/29 Direct Link
I miss him sometimes -- of course I do... But, I do not miss him; I miss the feeling of being in love, of being so close to someone, and being so very hot for someone. I miss the intimacy and the control and the ownership, I miss saying that he was mine, god damn it. I miss knowing that every bit of him was mine. He was a good boyfriend in the sense that he could express himself fully so that I knew that he loved me more than fucking anything. He could tell me of his love for me.
04/30 Direct Link
Today I have been making lists: lists of ideal male qualities [in relationships], lists of the best books, films, authors, lists of what I want. Today, I want jewelry, scarves, a bouqet of flowers, a kitten, ribbons, instruments, cigarettes from other countries, a glass of wine from with Special Someone, makeup, gloves, shoes, clothes, antique maps, a globe, a library, books, films, plays, framed photographs and paintings.
I want to travel. Oh! I shall start another list, of where I want to travel. How about a list... of my favorite people? Today, I am inspired to make lists.