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12/01 Direct Link
She was the only woman I feared as a child, but as I grew older I had the opportunity to confront her as she had asked me several times, 'if I thought that she could beat me with the belt.'

I don't remember how old I was then but I was definitely not an adult yet, or perhaps close enough to being one to be able to tell her that no, I did not think she could beat me or whip me.

I was ready to defend myself and to let her know that I wasn't a defenseless boy anymore.
12/02 Direct Link
When you speak of the mind perhaps you are speaking for yourself. This is a true statement, perhaps my view is completely different from someone else's, but one thing that I do know for sure is that my mind and thoughts tend to wander into places that aren't the present moment.

It seems like the mind will do anything to escape the present moment and like a man you have to grab the mind by the hair and say got dammed, let's get with the program and bring our attention to the now.

Do one simple thing.

Remember to breathe.
12/03 Direct Link
Taking off your clothes may seem like something that is easy that anyone can do it and what's the big deal, but the twist to taking off your clothes is where do you put those clothes?

Do you just drop them on the floor and create a pile of clothes that need to be dealt with later on or do you deal with the clothes as you take them off by hanging the clothes that need to be hung, folding clothes that needed to be folded, and placing dirty clothes in the dirty laundry bin that need to be washed?
12/04 Direct Link
Initially I was looking for any good books that dealt with sexology. While in that search I came across an article talking about Victorians and sex.

Their views on sex really put the church to shame because the Victorians were super strict and did not see sex as being a natural and beautiful thing like many cultures in other parts of the world viewed it.

I realize the importance of thinking for yourself and not going along with what society expects from you, because oftentimes the people who created this society did not adhere to the same biased rules themselves.
12/05 Direct Link
While at the park I thought about how men tend to do things for the sake of women.

I saw this one guy pushing a stroller with his two kids and I could see that he was in so much pain by the way he was running. The spouse next to him offered no kind of assistance.

She had that dominatrix look on her face that said she was the one who was in control of the relationship.

I thought about how our motivations might seem to be for ourselves, but on a deeper level we're doing it for women.
12/06 Direct Link
Women crave attention and will do anything to get it, even if it means screaming at the top of their opera lungs, or breaking dishes.

She was on her way out the door just as fast as she had came in but I could hear her sniffling.

As soon as I heard the sniffling I knew that there was going to be more to come.

I can understand her frustration in not getting her tires delivered and the possibility that they could be stolen but yelling out repeatedly how much you hate your life isn't going to change the situation.
12/07 Direct Link
I am sorry you mean midlife awakening and not midlife crisis.

It's only a midlife crisis because that is what you were told it was but as human beings we should be growing wiser and not through ignorance of not knowing the various aspects of transformations that we go through in life; until we become that butterfly and flap our wings away from this material world of illusions and lies.

If you are a person with a good heart, spiritual minded, religious, open minded, and don't go for the okeydoke, then yes, more than likely you'll experience a midlife awakening.
12/08 Direct Link
I saw this one model chick on Instagram, but wasn't searching for models. I was initially keying in kryptocurrency, but when I typed in the first few letters her picture had popped up and I told myself I bet you this is one of those fan based pages.

I clicked on it and sure enough it was.

I clicked on one of her videos and it was one of her twerking with long blue hair while bouncing her ass up and down like two yoyo's.

What else can you offer me besides your gluteus maximus wrapped in skin offer me.
12/09 Direct Link
Assedic Les Escrocs isn't a Brazilian song but the beat of the song is Brazilian but sung in French.

I think that's what makes the song so hypnotizing and exotic in my opinion.

I wanted to talk about how if you have everything timed out on your schedule and still find that you are not being successful then it is mainly because you lack in focus, concentration, self discipline, and self control.

More than anything else out of all of these four, I think focus is the most important, as you need laser like focus to concentrate without being distracted.
12/10 Direct Link
Ahmed Hulusi might be one of the greatest authors that has written about prayer.

I managed to get my question answered in regards to rather or not a person could go crazy from doing too many dhikr, which is similar to mantras.

I personally I had never thought such a thing could happen but that you could get a shift in consciousness.

The only reason why the thought had came to my mind that you could become crazy from too many dhikr is because I had saw the question somewhere else and so I really wanted to know for myself.
12/11 Direct Link
I wrote more on this subject in my short story that I'm working on of which I do not have a title quite yet. I also worked on the Monster thesis of which I can share here.

One thing about monsters is that there is several things that they don't give a fuck about.

They don't give a fuck about society and their rules and their common laws.

They definitely don't care for religion but might be curious about their artifacts and symbols used.

Monsters do not think in terms of right and wrong, they think in terms of monsters.
12/12 Direct Link
I need to go to the store for tonight's meal and seek a few ideas on snacks that I could have while at home, and snacks that could be stored.

I already know how I can make my own trail mix based on the types of grains and fruits I like.

Instead of just learning how to dry out meat, in the form of jerky, why not also learn how to make dried fruits as well like bananas as an example.

The snow prevents me from going out making me feel so lazy.

I am social distancing from the cold.
12/13 Direct Link
Touch deprivation is a subject that I have been wanting to write about for some time but for whatever reason never got around to it.

Now God is my witness that I did not know that there was already all kinds of articles out there regarding this subject and the ills of Social Distancing.

Before I go into their theories and the such about it I want to talk about my own perspective.

The first question I asked myself was on rather or not it was strange that there was a family living together but they never touched each other?
12/14 Direct Link
Does not having sex in such a long time bother you?

It doesn't bother me as much as the question burns inside of me as to when will be the next time I'll have sex again.

I can't really say that I didn't have any opportunities, but will say that at the times I did have the opportunities, I wasn't really down with it.

It had more to do with ethical and religious reasons and me risking being labelled as a heathen fornicator and then having to repent for my awful and dreadful sins committed through the activity of sex.
12/15 Direct Link
You should be focused on your word being dominant, even outside of the relationship, in relation to yourself, or in relation to kunfiyakum of which I am nowhere close to being.

In the meantime, when it comes to saying words with dominance I'm saying that you should be saying what you want with conviction without worrying about what people will think.

In other words if you feel like asking her what color are her panties when before you were talking about how to bake a cake, then rest believe that it is perfectly okay, because women's minds wander rather easily.
12/16 Direct Link
Should saying Al Wadud 10,000 times be considered as a burden or something that you should just give up all together?

My question is, 'are you a true seeker of love and really looking for love as well as manifesting and emanating it too?

The whole ideal behind the mantra is like a drill or an instruction.

In a sense you are programming your mind based on the emphasis that you place on the mantra or dhikr.

It's all about energy, belief, and having sound conviction.

If you keep chanting enough you will become the mantra itself and start resonating.
12/17 Direct Link
I deliberately took calculated steps with the intention of being as quiet as possible and not making any noises, just like a ninja.

If I were a ninja, then I would say my skills suck big lotus flowers, especially when the bones in my feet are cracking randomly like I am the Grim Reaper walking.

If I were to walk on rice paper, I am sure there would be all kinds of rips in them.

All movements matter that you make in your life. If you are making them be sure that you are aware of them in the process.
12/18 Direct Link
I finally managed to get outdoors to purchase what was needed for the curry chicken.

On the way to the store I would see a few things that I considered to be potential signs for something of which I didn't know exactly.

One sign in particular was a blue heron. This bird has a huge wingspan and it looks like a gigantic bird in the sky.

Seeing the blue heron once it was down in the creek of the river made me think of a Japanese radio station that I used to listen to that played mainly Japanese traditional songs.
12/19 Direct Link
This is the end didn't necessarily mean that it was the end to the degree that there wasn't going to be anything good coming out of it.

Proper respects were given and I went on a Shaman's journey that taught me quite a bit and made me realize the idiocy of the enemy when it came to God.

I personally had now declared myself a seeker of God and a seeker of love all tied into one.

I was a seeker of love in the many women I would eventually seduce and a seeker of the Supreme Being deep within.
12/20 Direct Link
Throughout the night the concept and the question kept coming to my mind as to the kind of woman that I wanted to have in my life.

I basically want a woman who is somewhat on the same page with me.

We can start first with the religion and spirituality, then we can move forward to other areas and aspects of the relationship.

Among other things you might want to add in, is what you expect from your ideal woman, and the things that you will not tolerate from said woman. The more detailed that you can be the better.
12/21 Direct Link
Currently I am fasting and did not eat at the job though I did want to eat that fish that I saw.

I looked up having a lack of sleep for 2020 and immediately everything was tied in to this planned-demic baloney and how it is stressing people out.

More meditation might be helpful and a possible solution to help get some sleep.

In the meantime in order to get rid of my feeling of being overwhelmed and bogged down, the suggestion was given that all I had to do was write everything down on paper that's on my mind.
12/22 Direct Link
I was eager to see the conjunction of Jupiter and Saturn in the southwestern skies.

When I looked from the balcony and outside my windows facing the west I was not able to see anything because of the apartment buildings blocking the view.

I really didn't want to go outside but knew if I didn't see this I would never ever see this event again in my lifetime.

I put on my sweat pants, hoodie sweater, and running shoes and wound up walking several blocks away from home before I actually saw it.

Together they looked like a flashing star.
12/23 Direct Link
I wanted to look up the subject regarding the possibility that we all have a devil within us.

I do recall reading somewhere, where it says that Prophet Muhammad peace be upon him had conquered his jinn and made it submit. I thought that was rather powerful.

Have I managed to make my jinn submit?

That's a question that I cannot answer but I can say, that I do believe that sometimes in our lives we tend to be influenced by things that are not of this world.

Whenever you feel like giving up that's when you should keep going.
12/24 Direct Link
I saw some of the most beautiful tiny birds and somewhat dazed and confused at the same time.

I was wondering why they were flying so close to me as though they did not mind the fact that I was there.

'That is because you have spiritual God energy and the birds knew intuitively that you were not going to do anything to hurt them or harm them' said the Voice.

They had eventually flew off before my bus arrived.

I'm thinking that they were baby finches or sparrows, but if that was the case where were the adult birds?
12/25 Direct Link
Once I arrived to the Good Will it was closed despite the website saying that it was open.

I thought I'd go to the Yahudi Market to get some eggs and milk.

To my dismay and great disappointment, I was infuriated to find that the supermarket had closed and that it would be closed all day on Christmas.

Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas!, and roasted marshmallows too, mother fudge cacao's.

Fudge popsicles!, is the word that I used when the guy told me they were closed.

I felt like pushing some baskets over but managed to gain control of myself.
12/26 Direct Link
Sorry to tell you son, life is nothing like the movies, and Hollywood is nothing but a bunch of shamsters high on drugs and manipulation.

Rather we realize it or not, movies shapes us in ways that we do not realize.

We tend to go with the narrative in some cases and think that what we see on television is the way that life is supposed to be when in fact it does not work that way at all.

I can be the invisible man.

In fact being invisible would probably be the perfect way to annihilate my pathetic ego.
12/27 Direct Link
As I passed by the park I had imagined what I would wear to run around the park and had imagined me actually being able to do an entire lap in addition to seeing some booties bouncing in the process.

As a matter of fact, if guys really wanted to check out chicks asses, the best way to do it is to run with them and when you see one you really like purposefully slow down or speed up to check out the one that you like the best, like a donkey chasing after a freshly washed juicy carrot stick.
12/28 Direct Link
It looks like the snow came down earlier than usual as it was said to start snowing on Tuesday and not on Monday. This let's you know that you cannot always go by what the weather man says on television or any of those other shady cats on your local news.

I started to watch more episodes of Escaping The Matrix but then would later find myself knocked out cold like a flat line on an electrocardiograph machine.

I realize how it makes complete sense as to why I was so knocked out being that I really didn't sleep yesterday.
12/29 Direct Link
I found this article entitled, 'What Are The Top 10 Toxic Masculinity Behaviors,' after Googling 'list of what toxic masculinity is.'

My purpose for wanting to know what these toxic masculine behaviors were, was not to change myself in anyway as a man or to even side with a bunch of hypocritical feminist who are worse than crooked politicians.

My main reason was to know, and secondly to know what I needed to embrace more of, so that I go against every narrative that the feminist say is not acceptable to them as far as being a man is concerned.
12/30 Direct Link
I found myself thinking about growing mushrooms after feeling somewhat skeptical about purchasing them online, especially after seeing some of the prices.

Why pay such a price when you can grow your own a lot cheaper.

Today I went to Domestika to start the process of completing the course.

I drew my first drawing today of which I plan to color later on.

It turned out to be an abstract drawing but for just starting off it will do just fine.

In the meantime I would like to start looking at my other class which deals with drawing people realistically.
12/31 Direct Link
It had always dawned on me of the possibilities that I may have healing hands. I recall telling my ex this once due to the amount of heat that I would often feel coming from her hands as well as the spirituality emanating from her body.

I can't say the same for her nowadays seeing how badly the medication fucked her up on various levels.

I on the other hand had started to think of the shamans and the mystics and was shown a path as to what it would take to become such a candidate for that high position.