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The view from my bedroom window is one of nothingness at this time in winter. I once wrote a poem about that view, but I do not want to put it here or try to summarize. I was imagining what a person standing outside my window would think if they looked up and saw me. It was a journal topic, but I wrote a poem about it. I canít remember if the poem was good or bad, but it was a good writing experience, as most of mine are. I honestly canít say I have had a bad writing experience.
Being born holy. Perfect prompt for this time of the year. Jesus Christ was born holy, along with his mother Mary, who was without sin. I feel like I am quoting my catechism here, but it is truly what I believe. I think God and holiness are forms of magic. I think God creates all that we call magic in this world, and that includes those who are born to change history and the world as we know it. Those people who are born and who change the world are indeed born holy, whether they turn out good or bad.
The part of me who knows who I am and who I am meant to be is God. That is the God inside me. I am one of those freaky people who believes that there is a little bit of God in everyone. We all have the potential to let God influence our lives and do his will, as long as we trust him. A form of God, the Holy Spirit, is always there for us, and will always whisper to us and tell us of the right things. Again, I feel like Iím quoting directly from catechism. Itís good.
He was beautiful from the inside; not from the outside. He was frighteningly ugly, but beneath his unfortunate exterior, there was a shy, vulnerable, and productive young man. Once upon a time, this boy had his heart broken by a mean, loud-mouthed, slutty bitch. The bitch caused the person inside of him to become ugly, just like his outward appearance. That story is a tale of how one thoughtless person can influence the lives of others so much, and with such little effort. You do not know how what you say can affect someone. Choose and use your words carefully.
There are a lot of memories I wish I could forget, and the ones I really wish I could never remember are the ones I have repressed. Like the bowling alley event in seventh grade. Lots of pivotal stuff happened there, and much of it I regret. I regret being a stupid pre-teen in general. I had my head on backwards from 1999-2002. I must have. A lot of things that I regret came out of those few years. I wish I could go back and do them all over again, rather than completely forget them. Someday I will forget.
We are all holy because God is in each and every one of us. I believe, because of my Catholic faith, that the Holy Spirit lives in our hearts. The Spirit lives in the heart of everyone, whether they are a bad person or not. It depends on whether or not we listen to the Holy Spiritís voice, the voice of reason, whether or not we will turn out to be ďbad people.Ē At our base, we are holy, because God created us in his image and made us his own through the day his son Jesus saved us.
My safe place is my house, especially my room. I would say the Seven Place, but I donít feel that itís safe anymore. Thereís too much construction going on over there, and ever since it got graffitied by Evan and his band of fellow pricks, I canít call it safe anymore. It holds Jamieís love, and is one of the main settings in Cain. I feel so bad about those idiots corrupting my Seven Place. I would feel safe in school, but I donít because of Nathan. The fucking son of a bitch. I hope he gets what he deserves.
I havenít been safe in my school. The sex offender lurks, ready with his whip and his eyes. His eyes never look in the same direction; one is always wandering away somewhere, under the clothes of his next victim. Iím not safe walking around alone, as I used to be. My safety used to lie in solitude, but it has been robbed. The sex offender stole it with his small hands, his corpulent torso, and his ever wandering eye. I know he is after me. I know he wants me next. I know. I see the way his eyes move.
Sacred space is what is inside of a church. The Lord lives in both you and me, but he also resides in church. There, bread is turned to his body and water and wine are turned to his blood, so he can live within each of us instead of staying locked up inside the church. To do the will of God and be his true disciple, you must drink the body and blood. You must accept Jesus as you savior by doing those two simple actions in a Catholic mass. The beauty of the sacrament creates sacred space in church.
I want more from him. I want to be bad with him, just like in the words of the Willa Ford song. By the way, Willa Ford is a Britney Spears wannabe. I want him to love me. For some reason Iíve been wanting him more than ever. I want to be his personal slut. I do not know why, but he is what I want more of. Iím tired of waiting. I want to ďsay the wordĒ and have it be done. Just like the Korn song, Twisted Transistor, ďjust let me be between you and me donít fit.Ē
I always worry. Like now. Some guy at school was hitting on me today and I was worried. I admit. Iím afraid of older guys, probably because Iíve dated a younger one for three years. Iím afraid of anyone who might lie to me to get me to do what they want, or even worse, go around behind my back. Thatís one of my deepest fears. I was talking to the guy, he seemed so nice; but there was something about him I didnít trust. It was like heíd hit on millions of other girls before, and I was added.
My prayers are always the same. I pray to end poverty, I pray to end disease, I pray to start world peace and have no more wars. Some people think that if war and conflicts were eliminated this world would be no more fun. I donít see the fun in constant fighting overseas, and constant battling between races and cultures. I pray to end all this, not to make the world a boring place, but to bring all of mankind back to Eden and back to God. I pray that the atheists and agnostics start to believe in my God.
Please help me to be less shy. I know Iíve been praying for this over and over again since I was fifteen or even younger, and I know itís working slowly, so Iíll keep praying. Please help me to find the right man, provided Jamie is not who I think he is. Help me with my schoolwork so I can get into a good college. I know youíve been there for me my entire life, Lord, and Iím so glad youíve helped me thus far. I will always call on you when I fall.
Your loving child,
Unexpected things happen to me all the time. Itís a mixed blessing, because I like my life to be orderly, but sometimes I like a nice surprise every now and then. I canít really think of one unexpected happening off the top of my head today, except for the guy I was talking to on Monday. He came up to me unexpectedly and sat down. We just started talking. He was very amiable, and something about him reminded me of another boy I had once talked to. I think he was a year older than me, but he acted younger.
Energy follows intention. You have to work up the energy to do something if you intend to do it. If energy comes before intention, it ruins plans. They become all jumbled up and you have to do other things to get the flow of energy back on what you wanted to do. At least thatís how it works for me. When I intend to do something, I invest a lot of energy behind putting that plan into action. It happens a lot when I write a story; I wait for the ideas to simmer down, then I start collecting them.
The ritual of taking Sandraís soul to Damien went smoothly. Kevin was surprised at how easily it had gone. The girl was so seduced by the power in the alexandrite and overtaken by an excess of alcoholic beverages, it became almost too easy to get inside her mind. Kevin found out her major weakness: Adam, his own ally. She had fallen in love with Adam, even though his real intention was to seduce her and hand her to Damien in coldblooded betrayal. A small part of Kevin, the part that was still human, felt sorry for Sandra. She was innocent.
I think one of my only girlfriends is unwilling to listen to me. Iíll listen to her babbling on and on about her guy problems and breaking up with her stupid boyfriend and all that, but will she listen to me? I donít think soÖ I donít even want to tell her anything because I know sheíll spread it around the whole school like some sort of gossip. I shouldnít care. I donít even go to the same school as her anymore, but her betrayal would hurt more than anything. I wish there was something I could do about that.
Where I live there are no stories, really. No Indian tribes that I know of, either. I think the biggest story about the area where I live is the bootlegging Percy Flowers. Heís completely insane. Well, he was completely insane. He got all this money from bootlegging moonshine and he used it to buy a ton of land. Now, the land is owned by one of his descendants, Becky Flowers. Sheís also insane. Sheís creating this subdivision for high-class Yankees. It is a huge project and requires stripping away what used to be valuable farmland and trees. What a waste.
I donít know of anything interesting that happened to me recently. All I know that right now I am getting very annoyed. I got a question, am I selfish, or just wrong? I try to do nice things for people, but I feel like Iím always on their time. I feel like Iím always doing something for someone else and I never have enough time for me. This is why I think I shouldnít have kids. At least not until Iím 35 and can handle it. I feel like Iím being pulled in 100 different directions. Is this life? No?
I have a problem with being rude. Often, I say things without thinking and end up hurting peoplesí feelings. I have a sarcastic sense of humor and it often hurts people. I usually know when and when not to use it, but sometimes I just get pissed off easily and say the wrong thing. I think everyone has the same problem with rudeness at times. That is why we must try and defeat the ďinstant-gratification emotionsĒ that make us feel that way. It is a difficult thing to do, but we must at least attempt it. I know Iíll try.
We were at the Outback Steakhouse, and Steven got a Mello Yello, no ice, his usual. He drank it down in five minutes, and the gay waiter gave him a refill. Steven glugged that one down in five minutes, while eating about three loaves of that brown bread they serve as an appetizer. The waiter came to give Steven more brown bread and Mello Yello. Steven drank half of his third glass, then the food came. Steven had ordered a cheeseburger. He ate a quarter of it, then could eat no more. We all blamed it on the Mello Yello.
I always ask the same questionsÖ and today I canít type right because the cat fucked up my finger. Stupid feline faggot. Iím not going to ask questions because the questions I ask are just going to be the same ones over and over again. I would so much rather have a dog than a cat. Dogs are gentle, loving creatures. Having a cat is like having a wild animal in the house. He tears up my room and scratches and bites me when I try to play with him. I think Iím probably doing something wrong. I donít know.
I have just been to church today. My church is really beautiful around Christmas with all the decorations for the Our Lady of Guadalupe celebration. I wonder what thatís all about, and why it is so colorful and beautiful. The thing I love most about Christmas are the songs we play in church and going to the International Caroling night, where we sing songs in different languages. I canít sing well, but I love to sing as best as I can and listen. I tried to sing in German this year, and did not do as bad as last year.
Father Joseph is the most important religious elder I have ever met. He seems to have a strange wisdom from meditating on the Bible and thinking a lot. He seems to be doing a good job shunning the instant gratification emotions. I look up to him because he has the kind of life I want. I want a quiet life, with prayer and thought and always learning new things. He reads the Bible every day, and every day the Bible can teach you something. Father Joseph also knows the history of the Bible; the historical context and the important things.
A few months back, that was the case. My fall break was awful. I was being told things that others believed and I just couldnít see how they could believe in such bullshit. Sex before marriage is not okay. Itís just not. There are deep emotional implications and even deeper moral implications. I hold that belief with all my heart and soul and will uphold it. I will even die for that belief if necessary. True love waits, people. Get over it. Thatís the way it is, and the way it should be. I donít believe in todayís sex-obsessed society.
I think limbo is that game where you have to walk under the line without bending over forwards or touching the line. I am in limbo with the Sex. Hey, thatís kind of symbolic! Limbo is also purgatory, or that odd place between heaven and hell. I picture purgatory having confessionals in it. I see it as an entire hall filled with confessionals; people confessing their sins and coming clean with God before final judgment, doing all they can so they will not go to hell. That is how I always saw purgatory as a child. It is complete silence.
I would like the truth about God to be what is written in the Bible. All that is in the Bible should be true for God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. The prophets and disciples who wrote the Bible were divinely inspired by God, and they should tell it like it is. God would not lie through the lips of a prophet. I firmly believe that is the truth, with every fiber of my spirit. The truth is in the Bible; thatís why the Bible is so hard for some people to accept and believe. The truth is always difficult.
My greatest fear in regard to the Big QuestionsÖ what are the Big Questions? The answer to life, the universe, and everything? My biggest fear in regard to that would have to beÖ what if there is no afterlife? What if there is no heaven? What if we are just born to die? What if we are not sent to heaven or hell, but reincarnated as another animal or person? That wouldnít be as bad as just plain not living anymore, but stillÖ Iíve always held this idealistic view of heaven, and I want to see it come to reality.
Five people I might meet in heaven are the surprising people. I think God forgives everyone, so maybe the most evil people we think of are in heaven, but they are so completely reformed itís like they were never evil. Maybe in heaven we will see Hitler and Mussolini and Saddam and John Wayne Gacy and Charles Manson. Who knows? God has all the patience and forgiveness in the world, so why not forgive people like these, who have committed the gravest sins? It will bring us to an even greater awe and appreciation of God if they are reformed.
An ideal afterlife is one where you get to be at one with God. The only vision of the afterlife I ever read about was what was in those Left Behind novels. Everyone was singing and joyful and nothing could ever be wrong, because they were seeing all the saints and godly people be honored. That is how I want the afterlife to be; no more human flaws like jealousy and lust, just supreme happiness with being in the ultimately good presence of God. I would hate to be reincarnated, because you are just doing the same thing over again.
The only things that come after life are either purgatory, heaven, or hell. You have to fit into one of those categories when you die. I do not think I will go to hellÖ but maybe I will. Thatís always been a question of mineÖ how strict is God? How forgiving can he really be? Who are the people who go to hell? What are the qualities to get into heaven? If often think of it as applying to a college, but with much less information. You know you will get in, but you do not know where youíll fit.
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