Fate

Fate was a huge determining factor when I met the guy who is my “fiancé” now. When I first set eyes on him, something changed inside me. It was a tangible feeling, not just some phantom in my mind. It was real, and it was almost like a voice inside was saying to me, “this guy is going to change your life.” And he sure did. The little whispered voice that is rarely heard… it was so right. I doubt my life would be the same as it is now if I didn’t have my “fiancé” at my side.

Fault

It’s my fault because I go too far. I never know when to stop until something changes irrevocably. I hate myself for initiating April 20. I could have gotten out of that situation, but I didn’t bother to because I wanted to see what would happen. Curiosity killed the Quickstep, I suppose. I hate myself for thinking there was no way out when there were actually many ways out. Why didn’t I just head for the door? Why didn’t I just get up? There is a one word answer to those questions and that answer is pity. Yes. Pity.

Fear

I have fear of jealousy. I think that when January rolls around and he starts school, I’ll be getting jealousy again. I made a whole list of reasons why and methods to get around jealousy, but the only thing I can really do is remain confident and satisfied with myself. Therein lies my secret to getting through jealousy; just plow through it. I’m plowing through my final exams and my last papers and I know that if I can do that, I can get through this fear of jealousy, whether it is irrational or not. I can do it.

Fear During A Mission

I do not think I’ve ever experienced this, but I could probably write a short story or some other fictionalized account about it. I hate when I’m writing a paper and start having all these doubts about it, like what if I’m doing the whole thing wrong, what if the teacher won’t like my topic… but when I start getting those doubts, it usually means I’m getting finished with the paper. It means I have nothing productive to think about, so I should probably turn the paper in and stop worrying until I get the grade.

Fear Itself

The only thing to fear is fear itself. I think one of the former presidents said that. It may have been FDR, and I liked him the best out of the presidents, along with Nixon and Reagan. I’m watching Sesame Street right now and Elmo is hard to understand. I don’t see how kids can learn from that. When I have kids, they’re not going to watch much TV at all. TV is used as an educating tool too much for my taste these days. Parents, teach your kids yourselves. Don’t sit them in front of the TV.

Feel the Love

Sometimes I feel the love, but a lot of the times I don’t. Why do humans get married when everything in their biology goes against it? We aren’t meant to stay with one person forever? Men are supposed to get the woman pregnant, then go off, find another woman, and get her pregnant. I think this is why a lot of men cheat in relationships. They are biologically disinclined to stay loyal. I’ve read somewhere about a certain gene that some men have that makes them more loyal than other men. I wonder if it was true.

Fever

When I was a kid, I hated being sick. I hated missing school. I hated having to ask my teachers what we had done the day before, or asking the students what we had done. When I was in ninth grade, I got strep throat and went to school anyway, just so I could avoid missing work. But I eventually had to miss school, and I feel behind in my honors classes. I fell so far behind I got two Fs on my report card. It was that bad, but I eventually made up the work and got Cs.

Fight

I don’t like starting fights. I’m a pacifist when it comes down to it. I’m worried about my boyfriend and cheating. I don’t trust him, and I know that even when I’m doing things with him, he’s still thinking about these other girls. I know all guys do that, but I get the feeling that my boyfriend would cheat on me if given the opportunity. I’m not trying to be overly suspicious; I just am. It’s my nature. But one thing is true: I’d never get in a fight with a girl. I eliminate the competition, not kill it.

Fighter

I’m going to roll into January much stronger than I was in December. I think I’m going to make 2009 the year of strength. 2005 was the year of weakness, and I will make 2009 the year where I grow stronger. I am going to watch February closely. I’m not going to let those girls get to me. I’m not going to let anything get to me, and I am going to do well in classes. I’m going to find a job. I’m going to succeed. I’m going to stay the same, and I will change my weak parts.

Finale

Exams are the grand finale of the semester, and I hope I get at least an A- in all my classes. An A+ would be too much to hope for, so I’m not even going to start hoping. I’ve worked my ass off all semester, and I hope that gets me at least something. I’ve never been so worried about my grades in my entire life, and never have I had to work this hard. I can’t wait until the semester is over so I can spend more time with my boyfriend and we can just relax a little.

Fire

Back when I first met my boyfriend and he was a hyper freshman in high school, fire was one of his favorite words. It was cute and somewhat annoying to hear him say it all the time. I find it funny that even today, four years later, I cannot find any redeeming qualities about my boyfriend that I can talk about to people. I just tell them that he loves me for who I am and he is always there for me. That is the most important thing, and it makes the most sense to me. I love him.

Fireworks

My boyfriend and the people in my life with the exclusion of my family members provide me with endless inspiration to write. People from my past, who I don’t talk to anymore become characters in my stories. People I see every day but know little about… they become part of my stories. If I see an interesting person walking along the road or in the dining hall or in the classroom, fireworks go off in my head and I start envisioning story ideas. It is inspiration at its finest, and that is when I am at my creative best.

First Encounters

Whenever I first meet a person that will eventually become important to my life, the first encounter is usually strong. I get the strong impression that this person will be more than just another acquaintance or another passerby. I know that this person will have a purpose in my life, or that I will have a purpose in theirs. Sometimes I screw up the relationship I have with that person, and other times I try my hardest to get along with them and not screw things up. I try to make a good impression on everyone I meet.

First Time

The first time is never the best time, so you should never let it be your only time. From personal experience, my first time doing anything was never my best time. The second time is the best, as the rhyme goes. *First is worst, second is best, etc.* Do everything twice, and enjoy it more the second time around, unless of course it’s something stupid. Some things were meant to do once and only once. Other things were meant to be done many times, and we were meant to get better and better at them. Experience is best.

Flaunt

In my Introduction to Editing class, we learned the difference between flaunt and flout because they are commonly misused. There are a few things I don’t understand about that class. The people in it were so stupid. All you had to do was bring the freaking newspaper to class and talk about it. All you had to do was read the newspaper and you’d do well on editing tests! If you read the paper, if you read anything at all, you would know that John Kerry does not spell his last name Kerrey! Get with the freaking program, people!

Flavor

One of my old teachers always used to say “Can you do me a flavor?” instead of “Can you do me a favor?” It caught on, so now I use it all the time, just to be cute. I don’t use it in a situation where I have to be “intelligent” or anything like that. Those situations are at rest now… I don’t have to be back at school until probably January 4! I’m so excited! I get to spend a vacation free of English papers, data projects, and studying for useless chemistry tests! I can’t wait until Christmas!

Flirt

I try not to flirt around. I really try. But in the back of my mind, I’m thinking, “Why should I stop myself? He flirted around with me all the time, so why can’t I do it to him?” Because two wrongs don’t make a right. That’s why. In my school, none of the guys are even worth flirting with or looking twice at, but it’s fun to do it anyway, just to have some kind of defense. But when my boyfriend flirts, he makes it so obvious… it’s terrible. I wonder if I’m that obvious. I hope not.

Floored

I don’t use that word often in writing. I realized that I’ve been using the word “totally” in my speech more often, and it’s making me sound like a freaking valley girl. I can’t stand the bullshit. I’ve been using the word “rather” in writing, and I’d totally rather not. I’m supposed to be bolstering my vocabulary, not hindering its development. I’ve been writing less and cleaning my room more. I’ve been worrying more. I’ve been floored by worries, but I know that if I pray, they shall fade. I’ve been praying more. I’ve been praying for my It-Boy.

Flowers

My boyfriend brought me flowers for no reason, and I was being a bitch and trying to find the reason. I thought my best girlfriend persuaded him to do it. Flowers for no reason is a motif from a romantic movie, not my life. But then again, he is very romantic – the perfect boyfriend – but of course I take him for granted and look for ulterior motives in all the good that he does. Bad girlfriend, aren’t I? He’s trying and I’m trying to make the relationship better – and it’s doing better. The flowers are icing on the cake.

Fly

I wrote a poem called “Fly” during my sophomore year. It was the second semester. I was looking at the guy who sat across from me in class – he was one of my best friends – and I wrote the poem about him. There were many interesting things about that poem and that boy, and what the poem would eventually mean as I looked back on it a few months later. Now the word “fly” brings emotion to me, it brings love, and hate, and loss, and hope for the future. As a “writer”, I attach such implications to words.

Fondness

I have a fondness for many things, but that’s another word I don’t use in writing that often. I dislike words that end in “ness” and especially “lessness”. Like “shamelessness.” I feel like there could be a different way to express “shamelessness” than using that awkward word. It’s like that “not – un” construction Orwell was bitching about in that essay we read for ENG 214. I notice “not – un” constructions every day now, and I laugh about them in the back of my mind. I don’t want everyone thinking I’m crazy. Laughing at words makes my life worth living.

Food

I love food and I love to eat. I said something like that in the dining hall one time, and the bastard who lives next door to me was with me and he says, “well, you’re like the human garbage disposal. I can’t believe you eat this crap.” He was talking about the dining hall food, which can be good sometimes, when the cooks don’t load it with salt and butter and sugar. I eat my food without garnishes or condiments. And this guy only eats steak and potatoes – your stereotypical male. His parents never taught him about food.

Food Fight!

I don’t remember there ever being a food fight in my years at public school, around my family dinner table, or ever. The only time I’ve seen food fights is as a cheesy motif in TV shows and movies (which are steadily going downhill by the way). I hate the idea of food fights - it’s just wasting food that is usually perfectly good. From reading the previous entry, you can see I love food and hate for it to go to waste. There are people starving all over the world – it’s so selfish to throw food away.

Following in my Master’s Footsteps

That reminds me of the story I’m writing. It’s the fourth remake of the story my boyfriend and I have been writing since we’ve started dating. Four years of dating. Four versions of the same epic story. They get better and better as they go, and I’m hoping that this fourth one is the very best it can be. I’m putting a lot of effort into this, and I can tell that my boyfriend sees it. He gives me the ideas, I write. Check out my Fiction Press. It’s getting posted there, slowly but surely.

Fool

Let’s not get me started on another rant… but rants have leaked into my LiveJournal entries so… here goes my 100-word rant: The guy who lives next door to me at college is a fool. He waits until the last second to do assignments in college, and he took AP classes, but still managed to sleep through high school. (This is all from the way he tells it – he may be lying.) I struggle to study and make good grades. I work my little ass off, and he’s so lazy. He gets A’s and B’s effortlessly and I struggle.

Foreign

I would love to learn two or more different languages so I could speak to foreign people. Spanish would be especially useful, considering the number of native speakers there are around here. I think that after I finish my required Spanish for college, I may take more as electives and maybe even do a minor. I’m fairly good at languages – I’ve been told that by a few people. Learning another language is a definite benefit. Wouldn’t it be great if we were all multi-lingual? There would be much less confusion in trying to understand each other – that’s for sure.

Forgiven

I’ve forgiven (at least in my soul and heart) most of the people who have wronged me in the past. I hope they have forgiven me, too. I know I do really stupid and thoughtless things sometimes, and most of the time I do them without really meaning to. I lie without meaning to. I know it sounds funny, but I realized I do that sometimes. Always in hindsight, too. Well, you know what they say. Hindsight is 20/20. I’ve never realized that before now, either. I want to continue to forgive. It’s important not to ever hold grudges.

Forgotten

I hope to forget the bad things that have happened to me in the past. I want to be a better person, and rise above those petty things. I don’t want the past to drag me down (although the past can be rather entertaining at times – and I just realized I used rather again). I think I should be focused toward the future. Enjoying the present is important to, but the past is important. It prevents you from making the same mistakes twice, if you care to remember it. So you should never forget the past – at least completely.

Fortitude

Not a word I use often. I may try to include it in my writing for tonight. I might have to start writing in the mornings again, just so I know I’ve got it all down. I have the mental fortitude to write, but it’s procrastination that kills me. I want to try and beat procrastination for this coming semester. I did a good job last semester and kept my 4.0 even though that was hard as hell. Well, I’m going to keep trying to beat procrastination and the other things that hold me back time and time again.

Four

I like that number. Seven is my favorite number, followed by three, then thirteen, then 318. Four is probably after all those. I was once talking with a guy who said he wanted four kids because nobody would get lonely. I can understand that. This guy was one of the few I’ve met in my state who are Catholic and have a decent personality. Most of the Catholic guys I’ve met where I live don’t look twice at me and are rather stuck up. I have better luck with atheists, unfortunately. That’s all I attract, when I’d rather not.

Fractured

I hurt all over today, and I don’t know why. 2008 does not want to leave me, and clings with a strong fervor. It was a good year; I got everything I wanted out of it, and I managed to keep most of my resolutions. They weren’t really resolutions – just things I wanted to keep up or stop. I wanted to get to a four-year college and I got that. I failed in the sex area though, and that still hurts me. I’m going to shove that hurt away so my heart won’t become any more fractured by it.