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Fate was a huge determining factor when I met the guy who is my ďfiancťĒ now. When I first set eyes on him, something changed inside me. It was a tangible feeling, not just some phantom in my mind. It was real, and it was almost like a voice inside was saying to me, ďthis guy is going to change your life.Ē And he sure did. The little whispered voice that is rarely heardÖ it was so right. I doubt my life would be the same as it is now if I didnít have my ďfiancťĒ at my side.
Itís my fault because I go too far. I never know when to stop until something changes irrevocably. I hate myself for initiating April 20. I could have gotten out of that situation, but I didnít bother to because I wanted to see what would happen. Curiosity killed the Quickstep, I suppose. I hate myself for thinking there was no way out when there were actually many ways out. Why didnít I just head for the door? Why didnít I just get up? There is a one word answer to those questions and that answer is pity. Yes. Pity.
I have fear of jealousy. I think that when January rolls around and he starts school, Iíll be getting jealousy again. I made a whole list of reasons why and methods to get around jealousy, but the only thing I can really do is remain confident and satisfied with myself. Therein lies my secret to getting through jealousy; just plow through it. Iím plowing through my final exams and my last papers and I know that if I can do that, I can get through this fear of jealousy, whether it is irrational or not. I can do it.
Fear During A Mission
I do not think Iíve ever experienced this, but I could probably write a short story or some other fictionalized account about it. I hate when Iím writing a paper and start having all these doubts about it, like what if Iím doing the whole thing wrong, what if the teacher wonít like my topicÖ but when I start getting those doubts, it usually means Iím getting finished with the paper. It means I have nothing productive to think about, so I should probably turn the paper in and stop worrying until I get the grade.
The only thing to fear is fear itself. I think one of the former presidents said that. It may have been FDR, and I liked him the best out of the presidents, along with Nixon and Reagan. Iím watching Sesame Street right now and Elmo is hard to understand. I donít see how kids can learn from that. When I have kids, theyíre not going to watch much TV at all. TV is used as an educating tool too much for my taste these days. Parents, teach your kids yourselves. Donít sit them in front of the TV.
Feel the Love
Sometimes I feel the love, but a lot of the times I donít. Why do humans get married when everything in their biology goes against it? We arenít meant to stay with one person forever? Men are supposed to get the woman pregnant, then go off, find another woman, and get her pregnant. I think this is why a lot of men cheat in relationships. They are biologically disinclined to stay loyal. Iíve read somewhere about a certain gene that some men have that makes them more loyal than other men. I wonder if it was true.
When I was a kid, I hated being sick. I hated missing school. I hated having to ask my teachers what we had done the day before, or asking the students what we had done. When I was in ninth grade, I got strep throat and went to school anyway, just so I could avoid missing work. But I eventually had to miss school, and I feel behind in my honors classes. I fell so far behind I got two Fs on my report card. It was that bad, but I eventually made up the work and got Cs.
I donít like starting fights. Iím a pacifist when it comes down to it. Iím worried about my boyfriend and cheating. I donít trust him, and I know that even when Iím doing things with him, heís still thinking about these other girls. I know all guys do that, but I get the feeling that my boyfriend would cheat on me if given the opportunity. Iím not trying to be overly suspicious; I just am. Itís my nature. But one thing is true: Iíd never get in a fight with a girl. I eliminate the competition, not kill it.
Iím going to roll into January much stronger than I was in December. I think Iím going to make 2009 the year of strength. 2005 was the year of weakness, and I will make 2009 the year where I grow stronger. I am going to watch February closely. Iím not going to let those girls get to me. Iím not going to let anything get to me, and I am going to do well in classes. Iím going to find a job. Iím going to succeed. Iím going to stay the same, and I will change my weak parts.
Exams are the grand finale of the semester, and I hope I get at least an A- in all my classes. An A+ would be too much to hope for, so Iím not even going to start hoping. Iíve worked my ass off all semester, and I hope that gets me at least something. Iíve never been so worried about my grades in my entire life, and never have I had to work this hard. I canít wait until the semester is over so I can spend more time with my boyfriend and we can just relax a little.
Back when I first met my boyfriend and he was a hyper freshman in high school, fire was one of his favorite words. It was cute and somewhat annoying to hear him say it all the time. I find it funny that even today, four years later, I cannot find any redeeming qualities about my boyfriend that I can talk about to people. I just tell them that he loves me for who I am and he is always there for me. That is the most important thing, and it makes the most sense to me. I love him.
My boyfriend and the people in my life with the exclusion of my family members provide me with endless inspiration to write. People from my past, who I donít talk to anymore become characters in my stories. People I see every day but know little aboutÖ they become part of my stories. If I see an interesting person walking along the road or in the dining hall or in the classroom, fireworks go off in my head and I start envisioning story ideas. It is inspiration at its finest, and that is when I am at my creative best.
Whenever I first meet a person that will eventually become important to my life, the first encounter is usually strong. I get the strong impression that this person will be more than just another acquaintance or another passerby. I know that this person will have a purpose in my life, or that I will have a purpose in theirs. Sometimes I screw up the relationship I have with that person, and other times I try my hardest to get along with them and not screw things up. I try to make a good impression on everyone I meet.
The first time is never the best time, so you should never let it be your only time. From personal experience, my first time doing anything was never my best time. The second time is the best, as the rhyme goes. *First is worst, second is best, etc.* Do everything twice, and enjoy it more the second time around, unless of course itís something stupid. Some things were meant to do once and only once. Other things were meant to be done many times, and we were meant to get better and better at them. Experience is best.
In my Introduction to Editing class, we learned the difference between flaunt and flout because they are commonly misused. There are a few things I donít understand about that class. The people in it were so stupid. All you had to do was bring the freaking newspaper to class and talk about it. All you had to do was read the newspaper and youíd do well on editing tests! If you read the paper, if you read anything at all, you would know that John Kerry does not spell his last name Kerrey! Get with the freaking program, people!
One of my old teachers always used to say ďCan you do me a flavor?Ē instead of ďCan you do me a favor?Ē It caught on, so now I use it all the time, just to be cute. I donít use it in a situation where I have to be ďintelligentĒ or anything like that. Those situations are at rest nowÖ I donít have to be back at school until probably January 4! Iím so excited! I get to spend a vacation free of English papers, data projects, and studying for useless chemistry tests! I canít wait until Christmas!
I try not to flirt around. I really try. But in the back of my mind, Iím thinking, ďWhy should I stop myself? He flirted around with me all the time, so why canít I do it to him?Ē Because two wrongs donít make a right. Thatís why. In my school, none of the guys are even worth flirting with or looking twice at, but itís fun to do it anyway, just to have some kind of defense. But when my boyfriend flirts, he makes it so obviousÖ itís terrible. I wonder if Iím that obvious. I hope not.
I donít use that word often in writing. I realized that Iíve been using the word ďtotallyĒ in my speech more often, and itís making me sound like a freaking valley girl. I canít stand the bullshit. Iíve been using the word ďratherĒ in writing, and Iíd totally rather not. Iím supposed to be bolstering my vocabulary, not hindering its development. Iíve been writing less and cleaning my room more. Iíve been worrying more. Iíve been floored by worries, but I know that if I pray, they shall fade. Iíve been praying more. Iíve been praying for my It-Boy.
My boyfriend brought me flowers for no reason, and I was being a bitch and trying to find the reason. I thought my best girlfriend persuaded him to do it. Flowers for no reason is a motif from a romantic movie, not my life. But then again, he is very romantic Ė the perfect boyfriend Ė but of course I take him for granted and look for ulterior motives in all the good that he does. Bad girlfriend, arenít I? Heís trying and Iím trying to make the relationship better Ė and itís doing better. The flowers are icing on the cake.
I wrote a poem called ďFlyĒ during my sophomore year. It was the second semester. I was looking at the guy who sat across from me in class Ė he was one of my best friends Ė and I wrote the poem about him. There were many interesting things about that poem and that boy, and what the poem would eventually mean as I looked back on it a few months later. Now the word ďflyĒ brings emotion to me, it brings love, and hate, and loss, and hope for the future. As a ďwriterĒ, I attach such implications to words.
I have a fondness for many things, but thatís another word I donít use in writing that often. I dislike words that end in ďnessĒ and especially ďlessnessĒ. Like ďshamelessness.Ē I feel like there could be a different way to express ďshamelessnessĒ than using that awkward word. Itís like that ďnot Ė unĒ construction Orwell was bitching about in that essay we read for ENG 214. I notice ďnot Ė unĒ constructions every day now, and I laugh about them in the back of my mind. I donít want everyone thinking Iím crazy. Laughing at words makes my life worth living.
I love food and I love to eat. I said something like that in the dining hall one time, and the bastard who lives next door to me was with me and he says, ďwell, youíre like the human garbage disposal. I canít believe you eat this crap.Ē He was talking about the dining hall food, which can be good sometimes, when the cooks donít load it with salt and butter and sugar. I eat my food without garnishes or condiments. And this guy only eats steak and potatoes Ė your stereotypical male. His parents never taught him about food.
I donít remember there ever being a food fight in my years at public school, around my family dinner table, or ever. The only time Iíve seen food fights is as a cheesy motif in TV shows and movies (which are steadily going downhill by the way). I hate the idea of food fights - itís just wasting food that is usually perfectly good. From reading the previous entry, you can see I love food and hate for it to go to waste. There are people starving all over the world Ė itís so selfish to throw food away.
Following in my Masterís Footsteps
That reminds me of the story Iím writing. Itís the fourth remake of the story my boyfriend and I have been writing since weíve started dating. Four years of dating. Four versions of the same epic story. They get better and better as they go, and Iím hoping that this fourth one is the very best it can be. Iím putting a lot of effort into this, and I can tell that my boyfriend sees it. He gives me the ideas, I write. Check out my Fiction Press. Itís getting posted there, slowly but surely.
Letís not get me started on another rantÖ but rants have leaked into my LiveJournal entries soÖ here goes my 100-word rant: The guy who lives next door to me at college is a fool. He waits until the last second to do assignments in college, and he took AP classes, but still managed to sleep through high school. (This is all from the way he tells it Ė he may be lying.) I struggle to study and make good grades. I work my little ass off, and heís so lazy. He gets Aís and Bís effortlessly and I struggle.
I would love to learn two or more different languages so I could speak to foreign people. Spanish would be especially useful, considering the number of native speakers there are around here. I think that after I finish my required Spanish for college, I may take more as electives and maybe even do a minor. Iím fairly good at languages Ė Iíve been told that by a few people. Learning another language is a definite benefit. Wouldnít it be great if we were all multi-lingual? There would be much less confusion in trying to understand each other Ė thatís for sure.
Iíve forgiven (at least in my soul and heart) most of the people who have wronged me in the past. I hope they have forgiven me, too. I know I do really stupid and thoughtless things sometimes, and most of the time I do them without really meaning to. I lie without meaning to. I know it sounds funny, but I realized I do that sometimes. Always in hindsight, too. Well, you know what they say. Hindsight is 20/20. Iíve never realized that before now, either. I want to continue to forgive. Itís important not to ever hold grudges.
I hope to forget the bad things that have happened to me in the past. I want to be a better person, and rise above those petty things. I donít want the past to drag me down (although the past can be rather entertaining at times Ė and I just realized I used rather again). I think I should be focused toward the future. Enjoying the present is important to, but the past is important. It prevents you from making the same mistakes twice, if you care to remember it. So you should never forget the past Ė at least completely.
Not a word I use often. I may try to include it in my writing for tonight. I might have to start writing in the mornings again, just so I know Iíve got it all down. I have the mental fortitude to write, but itís procrastination that kills me. I want to try and beat procrastination for this coming semester. I did a good job last semester and kept my 4.0 even though that was hard as hell. Well, Iím going to keep trying to beat procrastination and the other things that hold me back time and time again.
I like that number. Seven is my favorite number, followed by three, then thirteen, then 318. Four is probably after all those. I was once talking with a guy who said he wanted four kids because nobody would get lonely. I can understand that. This guy was one of the few Iíve met in my state who are Catholic and have a decent personality. Most of the Catholic guys Iíve met where I live donít look twice at me and are rather stuck up. I have better luck with atheists, unfortunately. Thatís all I attract, when Iíd rather not.
I hurt all over today, and I donít know why. 2008 does not want to leave me, and clings with a strong fervor. It was a good year; I got everything I wanted out of it, and I managed to keep most of my resolutions. They werenít really resolutions Ė just things I wanted to keep up or stop. I wanted to get to a four-year college and I got that. I failed in the sex area though, and that still hurts me. Iím going to shove that hurt away so my heart wonít become any more fractured by it.
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