REPORT A PROBLEM
This is my first entry of 2009. I canít believe I made it to this year. 10 years ago, in 1999, I was 10. I have grown so much in 10 years. I have accomplished so much. I canít wait to see what 10 more years brings. Maybe Iíll have a new car, a job, a house, and maybe even a husband in 10 years. But for now, I want to stick with the near future. I think 2009 will be a fine year, as long as I have the mentality to keep my spirits up and never lose hope.
I think thatís where the term ďfragĒ comes from in first person shooter games. Because when you ďfragĒ someone, you kill them and blow their body into tiny fragments. I may be wrong, but it seems right to me. I like first person shooters with lots of blood; I hate games where the monsters have green blood or something stupid like that. My favorite FPS was Unreal Tournament, and then all video games went downhill from there. I hate how the Petz series was bought out, and the Creatures series diedÖ this could spawn another rant. Iíd better stop.
Frailty, Thy Name Is Woman!
Thatís a line from Hamlet that is purportedly sexist. Iím not a feminist so I donít care. I love that play, and most of what William Shakespeare wrote that Iíve read. I canít wait to go back to school so I can learn more stuff, and do more papers and get overwhelmed again. Iím not happy unless Iím busy. Thatís something Iíve learned about myself in the past year. An idle mind is a terrible thing to waste. I like having something to do, and Iím never really bored because I can usually entertain myself.
My new roommate emailed me today. She seems nice, but itís hard to tell from a two-sentence email. I hope we can establish some kind of a friendship, and I hope sheís not a bitch whoís constantly trying to one-up me, like my other girl friend. Remember, I have a general dislike of the female species, and I am going to try and get along well with this roommate. I want to be her friend. Not her best friend, but her friend. She only lives a few miles from me, so I feel like I should already know her.
I hope this semester is fruitful, when it comes to getting things done and learning. Last semester, I learned so much that I will remember forever. Thatís what I like about college; I feel like Iíve learned many more useful things than Iíve ever learned in high school. High school was a bunch of bullshit and a waste of time, now that I look back on it. It gave me rudimentary social skills, but nothing more. It gave me memories for life, but nothing more. It gave me two of the biggest mistakes of my life, and nothing more.
Itís a euphemism for ďfuckĒ and also one a variety of chocolate. Speaking of which, I hate my period. I know this has nothing to do with fudge, but I hate my period. Sometimes I get intense headaches around the time of it, and I have a feeling Iíll be getting one today. Having a painful period puts a large black stain on the month Ė and causes me to be a bitch to everyone for a week. I just want to crawl into a hole until itís over Ė to spare everyone the agony of having to deal with me.
I just had my first class. Itís the history of the Middle Ages, and looks like itís going to be fun and relatively painless. TIB on that, though. It doesnít look like thereís going to be danger of having to do tedious speeches or presentations before the class, but Iíll be ready for whatever the teacher decides to throw at me. I know I can do it Ė without a shadow of a doubt. I did all kinds of crazy things last semester (like transcribe YouTube conversations) so I know I can do this, in full confidence and without breaking laws.
Iíve had many. Most of them happened in high school, sadly enough. Itís pretty sad to consider high school the most fun period of your life, but I think it was. I had virtually no worries, except those put upon me by myself. Even thought most of high school was spent in mass confusion and chaos, it was fun and I got into a laughing fit every day. At community college, those laughing fits were few and far between. At university, theyíre coming back and the fun is returning. Itís fun to hang with the guys next door.
I am furious at myself, mostly because Iím having my beginning of the semester self-esteem issues. I always think I wonít pass my classes or I wonít get along with my roommate or what have you Ė but I think Iím going to try and get through that as quickly as possible this time. Last semester it lasted until I got my first Language and Gender quiz back, and that must have been in SeptemberÖ so weíll see what happens with classes in February. Things should really be looking up again, and maybe my roommate and I will have bonded.
I worry obsessively about my future. I told my boyfriend today that I could not marry him. Heís like, ďThatís why I didnít want you to go back to school because I knew youíd be all like meh.Ē But itís not that. Itís just that I donít know what to do. I donít know if Iíll make enough money to support the both of us, let alone myself or a child. I have no idea. I canít be with someone for too long or Iíll go nuts. I need more alone time Ė I think Iím just super high maintenance.
Fuyu Ni Naru
I think it means ďwinter comesĒ but Iím not sure. Feel free to correct me. Winterís here and it doesnít feel like winter at all. I donít like having these days where the sky is gray with clouds that trap in heat, so the day ends up humid and about 70 degrees. I donít like days where it looks sunny and deceptively warm outside, then you go out and the wind is blowing and itís about 30 degrees and miserable. This is why we never have snow here in North Carolina Ė because when itís cloudy, itís hot.
It reminds me of one of the theme songs for Neon Genesis Evangelion, one of the few anime I actually liked, and the poem I wrote that was inspired by that song. I like anime, but I just canít really get into it when itís on paper. I donít like manga because all the characters and names get blurred together in my mind and I get confused on whoís who. I donít have time to watch the anime and get all obsessed with it and I donít have the money for it. In short, I donít like anime.
I shouldnít have gambled with my life. But of course, I never listen to the voice of reason in my head so I make mistakes. I know everyone makes mistakes, and I feel horribly lonely. In high school, I was never lonely. I had too many people around, getting on my nerves, yet when I get into college, I had too few people around and that got on my nerves. So where do I stand? What do I truly want? Do I want the company of others or to be alone for my entire life? What do I want?
All I know about that is it is a type of flower that is supposed to be quite pretty. Before I got into English and writing, I used to want to do horticulture or some kind of agricultural science as my major. Or I wanted to have computer science as my major, basically guaranteeing that I would be in classes that had a majority of guys. But I chose English in the end, and I hope that will prove to be a fruitful decision, even in this crappy economical condition that we have in the present moment. God bless.
In general, I am always afraid, even though I should not be. I am paranoid of diseases I may have, I am afraid of the oral presentations I will have to do later in the semester. I am afraid of losing the few friends I have because they will find better friends than me. I am afraid of not being able to find a job upon graduation. I am afraid of a nuclear war. I am afraid of other people. I am afraid of the world. I am afraid of many things, and I have no reason to be.
Itís supposedly the illusion techniques of a ninja, something from Naruto. Iím honestly not going to start my rant on anime and how much it and some of its fans get on my nerves these days, so Iím going to write about ninjas. I like the idea of stealth, but I hate how the scene kids/emo kids/anime kids are all like ďOMG WTFZOR d00d, a ninja!Ē Itís like the whole ďrawr means I love you in dinosaurĒ thing that gets on my nerves because itís fucking dumb. I was fucking dumb as a teenager too, so I canít complain.
I believe in ghosts, but I hate that show Ghost Hunters. If there is any TV show I hate most as of right now, that would have to be it. They go into the haunted house/hotel/sanitarium/whatever and try to find ghosts, but in the end, the ghost was either a shadow, a cat/other animal, or an electromagnetic field. Itís shit. I really canít stand reality television, because itís not real. You want to see reality television, go outside to a public place and just watch the people. There is so much drama out there, television is rendered rather unnecessary.
My friend asked my how my Christmas went and if I got everything I wanted (as a present). I said that I did not really ask for anything. There was nothing material that I wanted. I would like a new car, but thatís something enormously expensive thatís obviously out of the question. I wanted my perfect GPA and I wanted my dad to get better for the holidays. I asked my friend if he got what he wanted and he said he didnít ask for anything either. I think all he wanted was a break from PT or something.
I am not giving up and I am not backing down because you canít make me. I can decide for myself what the right decision is, and no matter how much you tempt me, I can always stand my ground. It is you who wants to give up so desperately; it is you who wants to capitulate Ė and you are a fool for that. I want to keep you safe, I want to keep you pure, and we canít do that with you tempting me. I love you and I am not giving up because I love you.
I wonít give in to you either, although sometimes I would love to give in. It would be a big relief, but it would add at least five more worries to an already overloaded nervous system. I donít think you really want what you say you want. I donít think you know what youíre getting yourself into Ė so just shut up about it and let me run this game. I am the one who has the most control, even though you say you do. I know how you get Ė and you have no control Ė absolutely none at all.
I donít like Sundays when I have to go back to school at three. I donít like it, because itís like going back to isolation in my dorm because my roommate is never there. Occasionally, my next-door-neighbors and I will hang out, but itís not the same as having a friendly roommate who will chat with you. My old roommate was like that and I loved her. I also donít like Sundays where itís all cloudy and cold and drizzly, and I have to walk around in that with my shoes that absorb water like super powerful sponges.
Go To Hell!
I think the last person I told that to was my boyfriend, probably as a joke. Or I told him ďfuck youĒ and he said, ďWhen and where, baby?Ē I canít answer him because I want to stay a virgin. I hate that joke. I hate how I always walk into that joke. So Iím learning not to say ďfuck youĒ as much. My intentions are messed up because I should be trying to better myself, rather than trying not to walk into a joke all the time. That says something about me as a person, right?
He is who gives me life. He gave me everything I own. He helped my dad survive a terrible car accident. God is the reason I was born in the United States of America and not in some impoverished third world country. It is all Godís doing. God is the reason why there is a sun in the sky during the day and a moon in the sky at night. God keeps the seasons turning, and the years revolving on an everlasting wheel. God is the one who keeps me safe from all things evil. He keeps me pure.
I kiss you goodbye and I never want to see you leave. I can never tell you exactly how I feel because it changes so much. When we say goodbye, the conversation feels so unfinished. I want to be loved and I want you told hold me forever, and I want us never to have to say goodbye. Itís frustrating when I feel different tomorrow, and I do want to say goodbye Ė when I want to have nothing to do with you. I love you, and Iím sorry to be cold. Itís because I never know how I feel.
I donít feel good enough. I know guys arenít supposed to like girls who have low self-esteem and shoot themselves down all the time, but I just donít feel good enough. I have no car, so I canít see him when heís at work. I go to school during the week, so I can barely see him or talk to him. I always get in the same argument with him and I canít resolve it. I wish he would get a new girlfriend whoíd treat him better. Heís got a lot to offer. Why waste it on me?
My history teacher is so weird. We were talking about the difference between Christian and Roman civilizations and how the Romans were proud of their bodies, and how Christians liked to talk about the accursed body. She showed us these pictures of Roman frescoes (I think thatís what theyíre called) where this one lady was watering a row of what looked like penis plants. She liked that one the best. In another picture, a naked woman was straddling a man with an erection. I am currently frustrated with sex, so that felt inappropriate. Good morning to you, too.
Got a Ticket to Ride
The Beatles! That was really the first band I ever liked. I started out on oldies and jazz, and when I was in 8th grade, I started listening to this little yellow radio my dad gave me. I found a popular radio station and tuned in. From that day forward (it was sometime in December of 2001), I found out that I loved music Ė all kinds of music, but predominantly 90ís rock and grunge. My favorite band is The Smashing Pumpkins, but I will never forget those oldies bands that taught me what I like.
I have nothing to add under that category. However, I wanted to pose a question of utmost importance: how do you get a genius boyfriend? Seriously, like, is there a store where you can buy them? Because I want one, too. Thatís the biggest lie in the world, though. I really would not want a genius boyfriend Ė heíd get annoying and smarter than me and all that. I couldnít attract one of those to save my life, so whatís the use? The boyfriend I have is more than perfect for me, and I love him the way he is.
I love looking at graffiti. I love how my college has a free-expression tunnel that the students can go and color with their varied opinions. Graffiti can tell many stories, and I have based a few details in my stories from graffiti I have seen in real life. When I look at graffiti, I wonder who wrote it, what they were thinking, what their mental state was at the time, and why they wrote it. Itís an endless fascination for me, and itís proof that great story ideas are all around Ė you just need to keep your eyes open.
That reminds me of a computer game my brother used to play when he was little. It was called
Monster Truck Madness
, and one of the trucks was called Grave Digger. I think Grave Digger was my brotherís favorite. My favorite was Rampage, only because I thought the name sounded cool. I used to sit for hours and watch my brother play that game Ė and now I could never watch a person play video games (unless theyíre in the Mario series). It bores me to death now, maybe because Iím an adult and have better things to do.
When I am with you, you are the gravity that pulls me down. You bring me to earth. You anchor me to reality, and you love me. You are the reason I am happy at home, and you are the reason I know that I can love. You are my best friend and you are my soul mate. We can talk about anything, and I never have to worry about being embarrassing around you. You calm me down, you make me happy, and there is nothing like the gravity, the steadiness, of being in your arms, away from everything.
The Tip Jar