Karma

I believe that karma comes back. I don’t think I should seriously believe in karma, being a Christian, but I do somewhat. For years of breaking hearts, I will eventually get my heart broken. I’ve been shielding myself from karma for awhile, but eventually I will have to fall headfirst into love and get smashed on the concrete like Humpty Dumpty after his great fall. When that day comes, I will be ready. I’ll be putting on my armor in the meantime, getting ready. I’ll be putting my heart in a glass cage so at least some part survives.

Keeping a Secret

I am pretty good at keeping secrets, but I get very nosy when it comes to finding out about them. I try not to overtly pry into peoples’ lives, but I do get very curious, even when that curiosity may end up hurting me. I wish I could be less curious; I would stay out of a lot of trouble for sure. I am glad that people trust me to keep their secrets, and I also wish I could trust them to keep mine. I’m starting not to care too much anymore, especially in terms of secrets.

Keepsake

I have many keepsakes from the various times and people in my life. Some of them bring back painful memories that I would like to forget, but I keep the trinket from that time because I want to remember for when I am older and I want to bring back certain memories. It’s just another page in the book of my own history, which is why I believe in keeping journals and diaries; because they become keepsakes and can be very precious to look back on after a few years have passed. My journals are my most special keepsakes.

Key to the Heart

The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. I beg to differ. The true key to a man’s heart is an entirely different organ, but I’m not going to get into that. One of my friends was telling me a bunch of stories about sex last night and after awhile, I wanted to slam the phone down and forget it all. It’s like she wants to make me jealous that she’s having sex and I’m not. Well, I have reasons for not giving it up. The guy must find the key to my heart.

Kick in the Ass

I’d like to give a few people a swift kick in the ass, but rather than being intrusive, I’m going to just let them fade out of my life. If they want to stick around, they can contact me. If they don’t, then I guess they weren’t worth it in the first place. I know that I’m better than that, and I won’t just walk out on someone because of something stupid that happened. I’m not a drama queen anymore, and I refuse to be mastered by that old high school bullshit that keeps happening now.

Kick in the Head

Lately, my best friend’s been forcing to me to watch a lot of action movies in an attempt to get me to like them. The opposite has occurred. I found out I do not like superhero movies, and I did like Rush Hour, but only because of the funny parts. After awhile, all the explosions, kicks in the head, and stupid one-dimensional love affairs, just start to get more and more stupid. I am starting to despise Hollywood and how everything becomes a cliché after awhile. If I wrote an action movie, it would be better.

Kin

Those are the ones related to you. I only get to see my grandma and my parents and my brother. My best friend is like my adopted older brother, and I get to see him, but that’s about it. All the rest of my relatives live out of state and I really want to see them more often. When I get the money in the future, I will eventually work up enough to go out of state (or to Italy, where my uncle lives) and see them. I wish I was closer to my cousins, especially. I miss them.

Kind

He was not kind to me. I read some journal entries from a few years back, and I hate how subservient I was towards him and how he never did anything for me. He never asked me if I was hungry or thirsty and he never even entertained me. I was sitting at his house waiting for him to tell me what to do, and I am ashamed of it. I hate that I was like that. Now I am different and I will never put up with that kind of shit again. The next man will be better.

Kingdom Come

When his kingdom comes, I wonder if I will be ready. I am trying to go back to a pure state, like I was in when I was fifteen, before I met James and got royally screwed up. I hate how much love can screw you over. I hate how you are so in love, but in the end, you know that it’s not right at all and you shouldn’t be in love with this person. That’s why I’m afraid of love. I never want to fall in love again because I’m afraid of how it will end.

Kinki

According to Encyclopedia Britannica, Kinki is a region of Japan. That’s good because I didn’t want to write about “kinky”. I don’t know if I want to go to Japan. Five years ago I would’ve wanted to, but not so much anymore. I’d rather go to Italy, Germany or France. Not that Japan isn’t cool, but it just doesn’t hold my interest as much. If I had the opportunity to go to Japan and only Japan, I’d go, but if I had a choice, I wouldn’t choose Japan. That’s beside the point, because I don’t think I’ll be traveling.

Kiss

I miss having a nice kiss every now and again. The last kiss I had was on April 27 of this year, and I want another one from the same person, but I just realized that I never wanted him in the first place. I only started wanting him because he left me. When we were “together” I had been planning to break up with him anyway, after a short period because I really wanted to be single. I still want to be single, but at the same time, I want this guy. I miss him and his kiss.

Kissing a Cop

I don’t think I’d ever kiss a cop to get out of a bad situation. I’m not that desperate or that slutty. The only way I’d kiss a cop is if I was dating one or I was married to one. I don’t care what my future husband does for a living as long as it’s not too dangerous and he can take care of me and the kids. That’s all. I see myself living alone in the future, and that’s not a terrible thing, as long as I get ten minutes of human interaction a day.

Kite Flying

I probably flew a kite once or twice, as a kid. I know it happens in a lot of movies because that’s all I’ve been watching lately is stupid action movies. The kid is being a kid, maybe flying a kite, maybe playing with toys, then the evil villain kidnaps him and it’s up to the superhero to return the child to his parents, getting a sloppy wet kiss on the cheek as a reward. I could go on and on about how much I don’t like superhero movies anymore. All the fun in them has died today.

Kitsune

It’s Japanese for “fox”. I saw this little fox when I was walking on the bridge over the railroad tracks at my school. It had a little gray muzzle and was peering out from the chain link fence. The campus police was staring back at it. I hope they weren’t going to put it down for rabies or something, but then again, I don’t want a rabid fox running around attacking people. Having an evil badger is bad enough. Kitsune is also the name of a character on the anime / manga Love Hina, which I would rather just forget.

Knowing

Knowing is nothing good. Ignorance is bliss and I believe that on every level possible. There are many things I have found out that have made me think less of certain people and I wish I had never known them. They say knowledge is power, but ignorance is still bliss. I think I would rather be blissful and weak than unhappy and powerful. I just hate the stigma you get when you’re not college-educated or when you were born into a certain low-income family. Well, at least I’m not going to be marrying into one of those families anymore.

Lackluster

I feel lackluster today. It’s all getting to me. My lack of emotion, my need to push away every single person in my life, and my general bitchiness. I know I’ll get over it by tomorrow, or in a few hours, because it was a dream that made me feel this way. I hate how dreams have the most powerful emotions and they remind you so much of reality that you are convinced that they can become real. I’m annoyed at everyone right now, because nobody has the balls to talk to me. So forget me. I don’t care.

Lachrymose

Nothing seemed to be working anymore. Nothing I did had any effect on the situation. I lost her. She’s gone. X has her, and because of that, my darkness is back. Every bit of the darkness I used to have in sixth grade is back, and I am reminded of Cain with every step I take. That character was a product of our mutual anger, a product of our sadness. I’d love to have her back, but if she’s going to be with X, then fine. She will be sorry in a little while. I will have moved on.

Lady in Red

Maxine’s my mujer en rojo. She can be a little roughneck, but I love her too much to complain. The girl gives me what I need, she’s cute, she knows how to kick ass, and she loves me. Well, I think she does. Lately she’s been hot and cold, off and on. If there’s one thing I never figured out, it’s how to tame Maxine. The girl’s like a little tiger sometimes, you know? Most of the time, it’s safer just to let her do her own thing and be left alone. Maxine, my lady in red.

Last Hope

I thought Maxine was my last hope. She may be confused, but I can tell she’ll lean toward the right direction. She’s got too much life to waste it being away from God. She was the only girl who ever expressed genuine interest in wanting to date me, so that means something. I pray that whatever problem she’s facing will go away. I pray that whatever weird sensations I’m getting from this school go away, or become eased. Yet, I still can’t escape the feeling that something bad is going to happen here. God is the last hope.

Late Nights

I’m a night person. I always have been. When I was in the band, nights were the best time for me to practice my tuba. I’d take it out to the center of the golf course behind my house and blast it as loud and as long as I could, until I felt tired and my lips were sore. I never practiced when I was supposed to, because all my practice was done at night. At practice in school, I’d just play around and try to entertain everyone, which failed miserably. But that’s a story for another day.

Laugh Out Loud

I’m not the laughing type. I’m a hardass. You laugh at me, I fuck with you. You laugh with me, then maybe you’ll end up being my friend. I like to test you. I’ll make you laugh, just to see if you’re really laughing or if you’re just laughing because you’re scared of me. When I do laugh out loud, and when I give you my signature stare, you better run for cover, because I’ll be after your ass. I hate laughter when something’s not funny. My signature stare isn’t funny. It’s dangerous. So you better run.

Laughter

I remember what it felt like to laugh. Laughter is so far gone from me, and when you feel that God has left you, there is the foreboding feeling that you will never laugh again. I haven’t laughed since the day before I died. My uncle came over and he was cracking jokes and trying to make me smile. I think I scared him because I never smiled. I overheard him talking to my dad, telling him that my head was always in the air and I was not normal. I was not a teenage boy, I was old.

Laundry

On the day before the move, I was helping my mom do laundry and I just broke down. I have never cried like that before and I don’t think I ever will again. I destroyed my life in Jekuvia, and quite possibly, my life everywhere else I go. I’ve made big mistakes here, mistakes that I hope never to make again. Everyone tells me I’m smart, but am I smart enough to stop making mistakes? All I wanted was to make Ally happy and keep Vince, but I lost them both. I don’t know if I’ll ever come back.

Lean On Me

I usually don’t want girls leaning on me. They can take care of their own problems. Stelle’s different somehow. I don’t have to be tough around her. I never have to put up a wall, because she seems to see right through it. She’s already told me about her father – that horrible secret. If she was a better friend, I’d go over there and kick her dad’s ass, but from what she told me, he’s not someone to mess with. I don’t care. You threaten my friend, you threaten me. Stelle can lean on me, I guess.

Leaving My Mark

By the time I graduate from Jekuvia High, I’ll have left my mark as being the school slut. In my honest humble opinion, how can you be defined as a slut when you’ve only slept with three guys? To me, a slut is someone who sleeps with, like, over five men. Why should I care about this mark I’ve left? Rita. She’s still there. She’s known as “the girl who’s best friends with the school slut”. I care enough about Rita to not want her to get in trouble for my sake. I love her too much.

Left Behind

I’ve been reading the Left Behind series, and I wonder if that’s the way it would really happen.  At the end of the world, I mean.  Somehow, I don’t think so.  Only God knows how the world will end, and us humans can only speculate and will probably be wrong 99.9% of the time.  I do worry, though.  I don’t want to be one of the ones left behind.  I feel like I’ve lived a virtuous life, but at times, I wonder if I’ve done enough for everyone else.  They don’t trust me to do anything for them.

Lemon

A lemon is sweet and sour.  His kiss and personality are the same way.  There’s so much I want to tell him about the way he kisses me.  I want to tell him what his personality does to me.  I wish I could break down and cry in front of him, but he’d never hold me, not when he found out why I was crying.  It’s hard to tell who’s stronger in this relationship, and it’s even more difficult to tell who has been stronger.  He’s had more hurdles to jump, hurdles that’ve turned his personality into a lemon.

Let it Snow

I don’t really like the cold.  I don’t like when it snows because that means school and work get cancelled and I don’t get to boss anyone around.  One day, I will be the CEO of a big corporation.  I will be the Chief Executive Officer.  Every time I tell someone my life’s goal, I make sure to pronounce it with capital letters.  Chief Executive Officer.  It sounds so good.  I say it to myself before I fall asleep, like a prayer.  I know I’ll get there one day.  One way or another, I’ll make it.  CEO…

Let’s Rock

Crispin’s band played last night and they were pretty good.  I’m about fed up with Kitty, though.  She can’t get enough of guys, especially guys everyone else likes.  Kayla and I were really upset about that.  I mean, Kitty must go through four relationships in a school year.  Now she wants Crispin, who’s graduating soon.  That means she’s going to try even harder to get to him before he goes off to college.  Oh well.  I never liked Crispin; he’s a good mentor, but he’s in a band that plays rock music I don’t like.  It’s too loud.

Letters

They tell me my name is a boy’s name.  I was thinking of adding another letter to it so it would be more girly, but I like my name.  I’ve been Orrin all my life and I’m not about to change it.  Lorrin is pretty, but then the guys at school would pick on me for spelling Lauren wrong.  Oh well.  Maybe I could rearrange the letters in my name.  Nirro.  Ronir.  Irron.  Norri.  Rinor.  Those all sound pretty stupid.  I am called Orrin for a reason, even if I don’t know the reason.  I’m just tired of bullying.