REPORT A PROBLEM
Me Against The World
How appropriate. That's how I always feel. Like nobody in the entire fucking solar system understands me or why I do what I do. Look, there's a reason. It might not be apparent to you, but there's a reason. I want out of high school. I don't want any part of education. I already know all I need to know. The world sucks. Life sucks until you die, and even after you die because you still don't go anywhere. I'd never go to heaven, if it existed.
The vow of silence may look melodramatic, but trust me, it's a better communication tool than actually talking. There's too much noise in this world. I'll put my hands over my ears and rock back and forth in the fetal position until the noise stops. One thing I've realized from my little experiment: people don't appreciate the value of silence. They'd rather be talking, just to waste words, just to hear their own beautiful voices. In silence, you can hear the true stupidity of humanity. You can hear the impending downfall in the silence.
My memories of California are strange. In the high school I went to, all the nerdy boys seemed to think I was this Asian stereotype. Even worse, they thought I was an anime character. Just because I am Chinese does not mean I like anime! I don't wear anything Hello Kitty (because Ally told me not to), I don't have a high-pitched squeaky voice and I don't have enormous boobs! I wished Ally was with me in California. We could show those nerds what's wrong and what's right so they wouldn't judge me.
This is a metamorphosis. I'm not going to be the scared little boy I was anymore. I'm a teenager. I can be stronger. I can change. I don't have to answer to my dad - at least not when it comes to small things. I can't wait until I turn 18, when the real metamorphosis will be over. I'll be finally free, but the only thing that'll be missing is Maxine. I wish I could switch her out for my dad, but she's no mother figure. She'd laugh at that, I know.
When the midnight hour comes, I cannot sleep. I haven't been able to sleep since freshman year, when I met him. There is some kind of magical property he has that prevents me from sleep without feeling exhausted. I get bored at night, I wander, I do homework... that's how I ended up with straight As my whole four years of high school. It doesn't feel like an accomplishment to me. It feels like I cheated because I don't get tired like everyone else. I am fated to be eternally restless, without sleep.
Might Not Come Back
I realized that Austin might never be back. I wish I had been there for Maxine when she met him. It was his last day on Earth. What was he feeling? I'm fascinated by death, though not in a morbid way - a curious way - what happens when you die? What do you feel? What do you see and hear? Austin must have heard God - he carried the cross all his life. Maybe he even saw God. In a way, I hope he did. He'd be at peace.
Milk and Cookies
It's been awhile since I've had milk and cookies. I've been on a diet for six months and during that agonizingly long period of time, I have not consumed a single sugary substance. I am effectively weaning myself off unhealthy snacks. My family is amazed at my willpower, but I'm not perfect. After the first two weeks of my diet, I went on an ice cream binge. I got disgusted with myself and continued my diet. Why is willpower such a difficult thing to develop? It goes directly against instant gratification.
It would be a miracle if every student would just behave. I don't like dealing with parents, especially telling them their child is a miscreant. They never believe me because they refuse to see their child for what he or she truly is: a spoiled little brat. Sometimes, I want to slap these parents and make them see reality, but that would get me fired fast. Sometimes I think a separate employee should be hired to deal with discipline issues. I've got too many things to do to be worried about what rowdy kids do.
I was called to inspect a bit of graffiti on the inside of the school, but it wasn't typical graffiti. I entered the girls' bathroom and saw something written on the mirror in lipstick. Bright red lipstick, just like in horror movies. I couldn't read it that well (it was sloppily written) but I think it said DIE YOU SLUT MAXINE. I'm writing it off as typical high school immaturity and getting one of the janitors to remove it from the mirror. I know the person the insult was directed to. I know Maxine.
It isn't mischief. I don't get into mischief. I put myself through hell and back and everyone thinks I'm messing around. I'm not. They don't understand and they won't ever understand. I told Rafe one day, thinking he'd have been in my shoes before, but of course, he's too busy drinking and smoking and playing with girls to even listen to me. I would tell Jeannie, but I don't want to scare her. The last thing I want is that girl to be afraid of me, but that's what it's coming to.
I feel like losing Vince was a misfortune, but in a way it was the best thing to happen to me. I've got X now, and truthfully, he's all I wanted. I can tell I am the same for him, but he's holding something back. I wonder if he'll ever tell me what it is. He has to, eventually. He's got to love me enough to trust me with everything in his life: the good things and the misfortunes. Dating X feels like a flashback to the eighth grade, but it feels like home.
I can't think of anyone I miss. Everyone's around me all the time - Sarah, my parents, my little nephew Simon, and... Jacob. He's just been acting strange lately. Jacob's never been normal, but the way he acts now is even more weird than normal. I would ask him, but he never tells me anything anyway. I would ask Rachel what's up with him, but she'd throw one of her characteristic jealous fits. Rachel's a year older than me, but sometimes she's more immature than Sarah. I get so angry with her sometimes.
I went on a mission trip this summer and it was so much fun! We helped out a bunch of people who were living in destitute conditions and I think it really brought me and our group much closer to God - I got to feel what Jesus would feel. I understand fully why he chose the downtrodden to follow him, and why he said that it would be difficult for one who has many possessions to get into heaven. There is nothing to rely on when you are poor - nothing but God himself. He is everything.
There was a misunderstanding between God and me. I don't think he understood my prayer, my last prayer as a living being. Why did he confine me to life on earth - this strange, eternal, life-without-life? There has to be a purpose. I tried to get through to Maxine. I will keep trying, but I feel like all it does is make her unsure. Her friend Estelle seems to understand my problems a little better. Every hypothesis she's come up with is right, but she can't speak to me. Only Maxine can.
That's a German word. I've got no idea what it means, but X would probably know. He went through this tiny neo-Nazi phase while I was dating him. You know I was the first to tell him it was stupid, but there's no convincing X out of his weird obsessions. He comes out of them himself, but not after he learns about them and tells everyone what he knows as if he's the first one to ever know it. He tried to teach me German, but I'm no good at foreign languages. Weird, X.
I work at the local animal shelter and don't get paid enough for it. Most of what I do is clean out cages and when new animals come in, move them into the cleaned cages. It's really sad to see some of these animals come. I hate stuffing them into a tiny cage, only to see them be put to sleep two weeks later. I suppose someone has to do my job, but it's not pleasant, nor for the faint of heart. Rocky started there the same time I did. She couldn't handle it.
First off, this is dr1nk1ngm3rcury speaking and not a character. I think I'll use the characters only on weekends, but we'll see what happens. For now, I'm in college and nothing has anything to do with monkeys. The closest thing I've seen to a monkey is Skylar, but that's another story. I'm so happy to be single in college, but at the same time, it's a drag. I keep seeing all these happy couples, but when I was with someone I was never 100% happy as when I was alone. So much for monkeys.
She's a traitor. If the moon stepped down to earth personified, I would never want to meet her. She destroyed my hopes, she made me think what was wrong was right and vice versa. Every time I see her in the sky, I turn away. I was stupid to believe in a pagan goddess, stupid to think that she was somehow right about my future. I prayed to her and not to God, because I could see her, but not see God. I began to wonder whether God sent her to give light or mystery.
I don't think I've ever had that instinct. Guys always tell me I remind them of their mother, but I don't know how much significance that has. Maybe that's how I always end up with younger guys, but who the hell knows. There's only one guy I want right now and he seems mature enough to treat me like a girlfriend and not like a mother. I was practically my ex's mother for the 4.5 years we dated, and now he's trying to be perfect just to spite me. I knew he would.
She's turned up the heat and humidity. It's nearly 8:30 and it's super hot and humid outside. The heat doesn't bother me as much as the cold, but either way my hair reacts to the weather. The humidity makes my hair poof out and in the winter, the dry air makes my hair static-y. There's nothing I can do or want to do to help it, because I tend to be low maintenance with my hair. I let it do what it wants. It might as well be a separate entity.
It's something I'm no good at. I hate talking on the phone because I'm either ignoring the person on the phone or ignoring what I'm supposed to be doing whilst talking on the phone. I don't even like listening to music and doing homework at the same time because I get very easily distracted. If I focus on one thing at a time, in the end I get the most done, it gets done on time, and it's of good quality. For those who are good at multitasking, kudos to you. Just don't get overwhelmed.
I guess you could say Austin is my muse. I don't do anything creative, though. I don't draw, I don't sculpt, I don't write, I don't act, I don't do any of that. I'm not a little girly-girl who makes pretty drawings and gives them to all her friends - but he's still my muse. He's my inspiration for living - I think if him, possibly watching over me, and it makes my day. I think of all the things he missed out on because he died. I know that I'm living for Austin.
I think music calms my baby. When I listen, she (I'm hoping for a she) stops moving inside me and is still. I have to kick my new found death metal addiction for a few more months - I heard that loud noises might bother her. Even though I'm only eighteen, motherhood seems like it won't be so bad - as long as I can get that money out of Peter. I no longer care about not going to college - I don't really care about anything anymore, just as long as my baby comes out healthy.
I do have a few heroes, but my favorite hero is a perfectly ordinary computer nerd. If not for him, I'd still probably be dating an immature, homophobic, homicidal asshole. My hero set me free from a verbally abusive relationship and I finally saw the light. I know that God sent my hero down to me, but my hero does not acknowledge that God is in control. It may be the universe in control, but it was God who created the universe. I wish everyone would believe in God peacefully. Go in peace.
My Little Monster
I used to be in love with a monster. I thought I loved him, apparently, because when we broke up, I was so happy. I did not cry over the relationship because I had shed too many tears while I was already in it. Even today, when I think about what life would be like if I was still in that relationship with the little monster, I cringe. I'm so glad I'm away from that - and I can actually get somewhere in life without a loser guy dragging me down. I feel free.
My Mission Ends Here, Incomplete and In Failure
This is not true. I tend to make myself succeed in my missions, whether it be the last thing I do. I absolutely make sure I get everything right and I don't care whether I get called a perfectionist or not. It's just that I like to win - I like competition, to some extent, and I like knowing I can be just a little bit better than people who tend to slack off. This school year, I have set many goals for myself and I will get them done.
My Reason to Smile
DG, if you ever read this, just know that you are still the reason I smile. I have good memories of you and how you and I were. I keep thinking of all the things I should have said to you and all the things I should have articulated better to you - but I feel no regrets. I still thank you because you set me free from a relationship I was not happy in. You gave me the exit, and I am forever glad - that's the reason I smile today. Because of you.
My Strength (Ricardo)
I have physical strength because I don't have anything else. I have no mental agility, no spiritual enlightenment, nothing. Just my muscles. I don't consider myself a big guy, but I do got the build - I would consider myself to be a bodybuilder. That's the goal I'd like to achieve one day, if I can ever graduate from high school - be a P.E. teacher or bodybuilder - I could teach people how to be physically strong - strong in a world where mental strength is the most important tool - my body is a tool.
My Thoughts Alone (Rachel)
I'm trying to think about what's wrong with Peter. I don't think that having a kid by Sarah would really make him that messed up. He must have had something wrong with him before - something that the impending birth of the child exacerbated. I fear for that child's life - I really do. Not that Peter's violent - but that Sarah won't be a good mother and that Peter won't have the responsibility or the mental stability to even help out. That is why I'm moving away from Andrew - I won't be Sarah.
Mysterious Stranger (Colette)
I'm addicted to bad boys. That rumor's been going around JHS for so long, it's a wonder you haven't heard it. I won't deny it, either. It's one of the few true rumors out there - because I'm always looking for the mysterious stranger to sweep me off my feet - the bad boy. I've been with Harley - badass, but annoying. I've been wanting X, but somehow everyone wants X. Jeannie's got him now, and she doesn't deserve him. She can't handle a bad boy the way they're meant to be handled.
I am going to be writing profiles of athletes for my internship, and it's a mystery to me why people like sports. For me, sports have always been an embarrassment. In elementary school, I hated any sport because I never understood the game, never wanted to play the game, never understood how it was fun. Dodgeball was the only game I was good at or understood - and basketball, to a lesser extent. I don't like competition, generally. I don't want to be seen as sore loser or a bragging winner. I don't want to play.
The Tip Jar