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Today is the first day of August already. Like I said before, July ripped right on past. I wish I was going back to school on the 15th like my brother and my best friend. But I wouldn't want to go back to my old community college. I'd like to start somewhere else totally new. I'm not even sure I'd want to go back to my old university. Maybe this time, I'd go to UNC and be a traitor. One day I'll have the funds and the time to go back to college and get my master's degree in English.
I'm in a ranting mood, but I'd prefer not to rant. Today is going to be somewhat of a "vacation" day for me. I rarely let myself fully take a break (not even on weekends), so I think I deserve at least some time to myself.
And another thing... I'm running out of things to type in here. While I was in school, there was always some kind of oddity or drama I could write about. But now that I'm out of school, nothing's really as "dramatic" as it used to be. In some ways, that's a good thing.
Insecurity is a demon. It will make you feel like you're not good enough, no matter how hard you try. It'll make you feel like you have to work harder and harder just to stay ahead of game. What if you're already good enough just as you are? Where do you get your validation from? Others? You're supposed to be validated by yourself. You are valuable because you are you and there is no one like you. Ever. We're all different and we have our different purposes and talents. There is no one like you, so be yourself. Be awesome.
But sometimes it's hard to kick the feeling. You know. That feeling that "I'm not good enough. No matter how hard I try, I'm not good enough. If I'm not going to be better than X, Y, and Z, why try?" That's the wrong mentality. Life is not a competition against others. Life is about making yourself the best you can be while trying to raise others up. Be kind to others and remember that, chances are, they might feel the same way as you. Everybody gets insecure from time to time. Don't stay in it. Defeat it. Love yourself.
It looks ominous outside. At about 6:15 this morning, the lights flickered.
I sort of like it when the power goes out for short times. Then you can do something else besides rely on technology, especially computers and the Internet. It's a good time to light a candle and read a book, or else just sit and pray in silence.
These days, I can't get enough of silence. Without silence, I can't concentrate. I have the urge to turn my music off because it's so insipid and interferes with my thoughts. It's true that silence is golden.
I was writing in my paper journal as I do every morning, and I was thinking about how I want to live a life of simplicity. I've never been a big fan of going out shopping and buying things. I hate buying clothes. The last time I went shopping for clothes was sometime last year. The only thing I enjoy buying are books and notebooks, and both are relatively cheap. Simplicity makes me happy. Having so much "stuff" can turn into a complication and I don't really need that complication right now. But as always, to each his/her own.
I'm not in love with you.
I will never be in love with you.
I don't know why you think I'm in love with you.
I love you but I can't love you like you want me to love you.
"Loving" someone and being "in love" with them are two totally different things.
I think of "in love" as a more romantic, "let's-get-married" type of love.
When you "love" someone, that can mean so many more things: friendship, maternal, familial, or paternal love - and yes, even romantic love.
But some people don't really know the difference.
It's amusing to look at pictures or videos of yourself or hear yourself talking on an answering machine or a recording. It's like, "Do I really look like that?" and sometimes you're pleasantly surprised to see yourself in the third person. Other times, it's a bit of a disappointment. "Does my nose really look that long? Is my hair really that poofy?"
But that's how the world sees you, so I suppose you had better get used to it. Or change it. But I would never go for plastic surgery. Why change God's creation? It's like that on purpose.
I ought to make a list of words I use a whole lot, either in writing or in speech.
Just - as in "it's just a little bit" or "you just need to"
80% - exaggerating
40 million - exaggerating
Those last three are ones I'm trying to remove from my vocabulary. There are a lot more I use, like "creepy" and all the four-letter words that I am trying not to use so much. They're crude and I'm getting tired of hearing them all the time and even hearing them from my own mouth.
Maybe I should read the dictionary.
The book I'm reading right now smells like sauerkraut for some strange reason. (There I go, using the word "strange" again.) I'm not sure I have that much to write these days. Nothing interesting has happened to me over the past week, really - nothing notable. I just hope I have time to do these 100 words every day. I ought to. They take less than five minutes - sometimes even less than two minutes if I can type fast enough. The reason I say this is because I just got a second job, so I'll see how the schedule works out.
I've had my cat for 4 years now. It's the anniversary of his adoption. I find it hard to believe that 2007 was four years ago. It feels like just yesterday sometimes, and other times, it feels like it was yesterday. Time is such a funny thing.
2004 feels like centuries ago, but it was only seven years ago. I can't believe it. So much has changed since 2007 and 2004 for me, and I'm glad it has. These changes have really made a difference in my life and in who I am as a person. I'm so glad.
When I'm reading someone's story that they've put out on the Internet for critique, I try to be fair. I'm not sarcastic or needlessly blunt. I give gentle criticism that I hope won't hurt any feelings. It annoys me to see someone read another's story and completely tear it up, without even one positive comment!
I'm sure you can find at least one thing (however small) that you liked about the story. If you liked nothing about it, then why did you bother reading it? So you could complain about how bad it was? Support fellow writers. Don't denigrate them.
It's the 13th of the month... and it's not a Friday. I don't get why people are so afraid of the number 13. Superstitions are OK to have every so often, but some people go overboard with them.
When I was at college, I was wandering around my floor and noticed that there was no room number 413. It went from 411 to 415 and there was nothing in between. Weird. It was like that on all the other odd-numbered floors as well.
It's funny that superstition gets into building projects, too. We humans are quite amusing.
It's difficult to write in 100-word increments, but it gets easier and easier the more you practice. Practice makes perfect and I'm hoping that's the case with my new job. Even though it doesn't seem like it's a job I will have forever (or even want forever), I still want to get it right and do the best job I can.
I put 100% of my heart and soul into whatever I do and it's always paid off for me. So that's what I want to do.
Tomorrow, if I remember, I might talk about love.
There was ridiculous wind and rain last night. I could barely see when I was driving home, even though I had the bright headlights on and my windshield wipers going as fast as they could. I half-expected them to get blown off in the gale. Thunder roared and lightning flashed. I nearly hydroplaned a couple of times. Waves of water cascaded out from both sides of my car as I went through certain dips in the road where water was deep. I was glad I was on the highway the whole time and not very many rural roads.
It's not easy to push through the fear, but it is worth it. The anxiety you feel when you think you ought to be out there and doing something instead of sitting in your cocoon of fear is much greater than going out and doing something about being afraid. (That was more than likely a giant run-on sentence.) But I hope it makes sense.
So if you fear something, break it down into steps. Analyze why you're scared of it (it probably won't be a good reason), then just do it. Don't worry about what other people think.
The thing I like about hip-hop/rap songs is all the allusions in them. So in an odd way, they are a little bit literary. I have nothing else to say on that subject... so... moving right along...
I finally got to see Inception the other night and it sparked a few interesting thoughts. I wonder what would have happened if the dream-world had been full of nightmares. They always tell you to steer clear of dreams when writing fiction because it's difficult to do well. I think the writer of Inception did well with the dream situation.
Now is the perfect time for positive thinking: right before you're about to get to work and think about the day and dive right in.
I will succeed. I will do well. I will not be afraid. I will learn something new every day. I will put up with all the problems that happen at work and I will be patient with customers and whoever comes in through those doors. I will keep a smile on my face. I will be friendly and upbeat and positive no matter what happens.
Everything will be just fine if I don't stress.
It's tough being an introvert in a world that seems full of extroverts. Supposedly, it's a 50-50 split, but extroverts are more likely to be leaders than introverts, for obvious reasons.
I remember all these tiny details about people - just from observing them and paying attention to what they do. But these people don't remember anything about me. Not my face, not my name.
It's like I'm some kind of invisible observer, tucking away little facts that are of no use to anyone. I have become anonymous to some extent... I do not scream to be heard.
It's inspiring to hear that someone's novel, which was formerly a crappy NaNoWriMo first draft, managed to get published. Congratulations to the author for putting in all that hard work! I've done three NaNoWriMo novels so far, and there's only been one I've really been invested in.
It's exciting to see a manuscript develop from the sucky rough draft stage into a masterpiece - or at least something good enough for the publishers of New York.
But a lot of people don't understand how much work and rejection is involved with that process. Trust me, it's a lot.
People are strange. You can never see all sides of a person. Someone is either "mom" to you - or they're "friend" or they're "coworker" or they're "boss" or whoever else. Sometimes your coworker can be your friend, or your boyfriend can be your boss, but it's funny when two worlds collide.
Like when your coworker walks into your church group. Or when your mom shows up at one of your college lectures. It's just weird how you feel the schism in your personality come together - because you act differently around different people.
Another set of weird musings from me.
Today I'll get to leave the house and go somewhere besides work! That's always a good feeling - unless the errand is totally odious and you would rather do pretty much anything except that.
Some people are so ignorant. I know these aren't the Victorian days anymore, but I think men should have the decency to not talk about really dirty things in front of women, especially if it's a woman they don't know very well or at all.
It's plain rude - and the lady is going to think you're a jerk. Say nothing if you have nothing to say.
I hate how lust and love are such powerful driving forces. I'm trying to stay as far away from falling in lust or love or like as I can because my emotions tend to get away from me. After a little while, I find it pretty hard to control them.
I don't need a boyfriend. I don't need love right now. I definitely do not need lust. Guys are one of my greatest weaknesses, and right now I need strength, not weakness.
Love needs to stay away from me for the time being. Cupid, shoot your arrows somewhere else.
I hate having a crush. They take up your entire brain for the amount of time (however long it may be) that you're obsessed with them. You never know whether or not they have a crush on you, and you don't want to ask them (or let them know how you feel) because if they don't feel the same way you do, then there's no point to having the crush. If they do feel the same way, then you get into a relationship and there's no more crushing.
Even so, I'd rather have a crush than be in a relationship.
It's the first day of school for the K-12 students. I hope it's a good year for them and that they all do well. To some degree, I really miss school, but to other degrees, I'm glad I'm out of there. It was just plain bad some days - but it was never bad because the academics were difficult. It's dealing with the stupid drama that's bad - and it's not easy to stay out of drama. It doesn't matter who you hang out with; there's always some kind of backstabbing or illicit love going on - somewhat like a soap opera.
The hurricane approaches and we're waiting with bated breath. Everyone's stocking up on essentials. I'm just going to pray and hope that intense wind doesn't knock down any of our trees and that the electricity doesn't go out for a long time.
But it's God's will and I'll trust that God will get us through it.
I miss my crush. I hate having a crush, but I guess it just kind of happened. You get attracted to someone, and then it's almost painfully hard to stop thinking about that person. Weird. I'll see how long this crush lasts...
Question for the universe: Dating someone who doesn't believe in the same things you do. Like, if you're Christian, should you date an atheist? I know it would be more difficult to get along, but what if you only dated them for just a few weeks or maybe even an entire year? Just to be with someone and get to know them a bit more? Maybe they would even convert to Christianity after that time. Or maybe, you'd become an atheist. Who knows? So why not take that chance?
All I know is that a relationship would be nice.
Hurricane Irene has moved farther up the coast. She caused quite a bit of damage here; some broken trees, power lines down, and a few lives have been lost. Luckily, this wasn't a Katrina-esque hurricane or even another Fran or Floyd. The winds were pretty fierce, though - and when I was in church last night, I could hear the wind buffeting the church. I think the foundation creaked; well, I could hear something creak anyway.
To all you who live up north - stay safe! Don't do anything rash.
I guess that is all I have to say.
Even though I have no desire to get married now, I keep thinking about what my wedding might be like.
It's a cliche - every girl is supposed to have their entire wedding planned by the time they're 10 years old. It's something little girls think about because of all the Disney movies about the princess or whoever finding her true love and living happily ever after.
A lot of the time, that's a lie. Meeting some guy and marrying him will not grant you true happiness. Happiness is found within oneself - and that can sometimes be hard to find.
Watching political speeches is depressing. It is a common theme in human nature that we will have nostalgia for the past. The "good old days" were always better than today. Even people my age have nostalgia for the 90s, when everything was carefree and perfect and simple. But of course, that was when we were children and someone else was taking care of us. Now we have to care for ourselves, so of course, we'd long for the "good old days." As life goes on, it gets harder and we have to get stronger so we can handle it.
August has ended and we're one month closer to cold weather - blurgh. I'd rather be hot than cold most of the time. I'm a very thin person, so I get cold much faster and it takes longer for me to heat up. But on the bright side, there won't be so many blood-sucking insects out there. My cat still brings ticks back from the woods - little ones you can barely see. You can't even feel them crawling over your skin until they're embedded and start to itch. Tick bites from those little guys itch the worst.
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