REPORT A PROBLEM
It's a brand new year! I had something totally random that I wanted to write in this box, but I can't remember what it was...
Anyway, I think purity is a very underrated attribute for young people these days. I'm still fairly young myself and I don't think teenagers should be having sex. They're just not ready for the ramifications of it and they're in that "invincible" stage where they think stuff like STDs and pregnancy won't happen to them.
It's a very dangerous pitfall for teenagers... giving in to hormones and premarital sex.
I know that was random.
I fear that there are too many things I want to do and too little time to get them all accomplished. I don't want to take things off my schedule, for fear of looking lazy. But I also don't want to do a lot of things, but put little effort into doing each one.
Sometimes I want to be one of those girls who held two internships and a job while attending college. Blond, perky girls, hired full-time before they graduate. But I'm not that kind of girl. The shyness held me back and I must defeat it.
I was looking at my bank account online, as I do every day, and I thought, "Hmm... no unauthorized purchases. Today is a lucky day because I am not a victim of identity theft." For some reason, I started laughing at that, and then I remembered that identity theft is not a laughing matter.
I laugh at the most inappropriate things. I suppose that's why I never really get along at parties. I'm far too socially awkward for that. I even laugh at the dentist's office, when they've got all their mirrors and pointy things in my mouth.
It's hard to aspire to purity. I've discovered that because purity's importance is not emphasized in our society, it is difficult to attain. The vast majority of guys I meet do not want a girl like me - who wants to remain a virgin until marriage. I'm very old-fashioned, but the worst part is, I am easily tempted. I can be a tease and I hate that about myself because I feel as if I'm being a hypocrite. But I have to remember that my greatest desire is to stay pure... even greater than the temporary desires of this Earth.
Most of the time, I feel like I'd be really boring as a girlfriend. I'm content to sit at home and write or read. Any boyfriend I had would have to learn to give me lots of space - preferably he'd be a bit of an introvert himself.
But really, what do guys want in a girl? Do they want someone who's going to be all fun and bubbly and exciting? Do they want someone who's going to give them lots of sex?
I know every guy is different, but in general... what do guys want? The mystery remains...
Wow. I had an entire post here and totally deleted it by accident. I guess that means I wasn't meant to put down what I thought about certain things.
Last night, he told me he believes in destiny, but I really think it means that he's willing to just coast along in life without any direction. I don't want to tell anyone my dreams because at this point, I feel as though they're rather frivolous. So I told him that I will look for another job and whatever happens will happen. I don't like to plan so far ahead.
Wow... so much happened last night. Madness is coming again. The guy I like is super infuriating, but for some reason, that makes him even cuter. I learned a few things about myself last night, which made it even more interesting. Because of privacy concerns, I don't want to go into specifics here.
I don't know how I feel right now. Happy and confused. A little bit of anger. Some anxiety. Love. But mostly happiness and satisfaction that I got through another night of madness at work. The madness is only going to get worse until it climaxes.
After this first week of the new year, I'm going to have to modify my goals. Between work and my resolutions and what I'd like to accomplish, I don't really have enough time to just sit around and be still or do nothing or watch TV or play video games or just relax. And that bothers me, because I know that if I don't have time to relax, I'll burn out and I won't be able to do anything... so tomorrow I'm going to work on revamping my goals a bit.
Don't bite off more than you can chew.
Today I wrote a grand total of 6204 words. With the addition of these 100 words, I will have written 6304 words. I would consider that a success. Not all those words were in one story, mind you. If they were, that would have been quite a long and detailed chapter.
I wish published books came with word counts for each page. It would be neat to see how many words published books contain without counting the number of words on one page and multiplying it by the number of pages in the book.
I like exact word counts.
This is going to be a fairly busy week for me. I get the feeling I'm going to have more than one double shift at work, then I'm going to hang out with a few friends I've been neglecting since I've been so busy with work and writing and whatnot.
That was a long sentence. I realize that I write very long sentences and that has been happening ever since I read Faulkner's novels for a class in college. I miss those long sentences very much. I want to get into Faulkner again, but there are too many books!
If I ever got a tattoo, I think I'd want it on the back of my neck. It would either be a very small dragon, some Latin words, or the roman numeral XIII. I think that would be kind of awesome. But I won't get a tattoo because it's against my personal belief system.
Tattoos are fun to look at, but if you see too many weird ones on a person, it can be considered trashy. Or if they're in weird places, like the neck or the face or the collarbones. I don't like collarbone tattoos, oddly enough.
I'm going to get caught up with my writing today. There's nothing better than sitting down at the computer early in the morning with a cup of coffee, before everyone wakes up and hammering out as many words as possible. It's peaceful and serene because nobody bothers me at this time of day. Everyone sleeps in and leaves me to write as much as I like. If I'm diligent, I can finish before noon, which leaves me with the rest of the day to get things done and finish up. It's an excellent plan if I do say so myself.
Yesterday was confusing for me. And today is Friday the 13th. I wonder what kind of interesting things will happen today. The reason yesterday was confusing is because of relationships. I'm not sure I even want to be in one. Maybe I just want a friendship. Maybe all I want is a person to talk to and trust. I don't want any of that lovey-dovey-let's-get-married-sex-and-kids stuff. I want innocence and to some degree, all I ever wanted was innocence. I am not a bad girl. I am an innocent good girl at heart.
The most insane stuff happened at work the other day and I don't even want to recount it because I already recounted it several times and I still can't make much sense out of it. All I know is that I'm calling there tomorrow to find out what's going on. It's complete and utter insanity.
The moral of the story is, don't get a job at a place that has bad management and crazy people running the corporation. Because with those conditions, the only thing that can happen is craziness, plain and simple. Now I end my lovely rant.
I don't understand football, but I get the feeling I'll be getting a quick introduction to it in the next few weeks as the Super Bowl approaches. I would like to understand football, just to be able to make intelligent small talk with the guys at work about it, but other than that I could care less. If there's any sport I watch, it's basketball, and I'd rather be watching live than on TV, or better yet, I'd rather be playing basketball myself. Well, not really playing, but just dribbling around and shooting some hoops. I miss those old days...
I have had the same song stuck in my head for a few days now. It's a good song and I can dance around to it. My head is like a radio. And that line reminded me of that song "Stereo Hearts," which I have not gotten sick of yet, even though they play it constantly on the radio. I don't like being brainwashed by the same songs over and over again, but they're happy songs, so I'm somewhat content to be sucked in by them. Love songs are good, as long as they're not too sad or too sentimental.
I think I'm just going to stare into space for a while. Work is trying to kill me. I have somewhere in the neighborhood of 45 hours this week. One of my coworkers has 52, so I should consider myself lucky. All I know is that we are ridiculously understaffed...
And if only I could fall in love, but reality keeps getting in the way of that. Love is not the greatest thing in the world, since it comes with so many pitfalls. Strange, but what can you do. Oh well... I guess that's all the rantings I have now.
I can't wait until the double shifts are over! I hope they'll be over soon so we can get a new group of people and get this business running the way it should. I'm tired of feeling like I'm the only person who's crazy enough to stay throughout all the madness and everyone quitting. I won't quit. I won't give up because giving up is for quitters, to quote some stupid thing I made up in college.
Anyway... I get to see him tonight. I hope everything ends up OK and that we can come to a good agreement.
He belongs with me. I think I know that now, when before it was impossible to know. But there's a part of me that thinks perhaps this is too soon and he can't possibly belong to me. That there has to be someone else out there he belongs to. That there has to be someone else out there I belong to. But I have never had a connection with anyone else that's the same as the one I have with him. He's the only one I can be honest with and talk to easily and I've always been able to.
I have quite a few things to write today, but not enough time to write them all in. I can't wait until my schedule stabilizes somewhat so I have time to do all these things I want to do. There are a bunch of things I need to buy from the store, but I haven't gotten around to it and the list keeps getting longer and longer. I badly need a new belt, for instance. My old one broke right in the middle and that was the end of it. There was absolutely nothing more to be done for it.
I came to the awful realization that I can't date him again. I just can't do it. I don't have the strength. I don't have the capacity to love him as he should be loved. I don't think this is coming from a place of my low self-esteem. This is sanity speaking. Sanity tells me that I cannot date him or I would go insane very quickly. I remember the reasons I broke up with him in the first place and they are still there. I love him, but I cannot be with him. I can't try anymore.
I made the decision, now we have to come to some kind of compromise. The hard thing about it is that he doesn't want to listen to logic. He's driven by emotion, and I feel that a relationship should be led with an equal mixture of logic and emotion. I don't want to jump into something I might regret. I'm scared. I don't want emotion to rule because it did in the past and it did not end well. There's a whole lot I still have to think about before I start this thing again... if I start this again.
I don't have that much to say, oddly enough. Near the beginning of the month, I started writing in a slim paper journal and now that it's near the end of the month, the journal is almost complete. If I write one full leaf every day, the journal will be done before the 31st. I don't think I've ever filled a journal so fast before. I definitely had a lot to say and a lot to sort out in my mind and on paper, so I suppose that's why I managed to fill the lines so fast this time around.
Why does all this tax stuff have to be so confusing? How come they do not teach it in school? Never in my public school education (or even in my college education) did I learn about tax forms and that kind of information. Never. And they should teach it so that people won't get confused and so that the IRS won't come after them. Because nobody wants to be audited or have the IRS on their backs for their entire life. Man... I will never understand why some things have to be more complicated than they really need to be.
I dreamed about my other ex the other night. I haven't had that many boyfriends. I don't care to have that many. Yes, they say it makes you more experienced, but I can only love so much. I believe there is only one person I have ever truly loved with all my being, and because I loved him so much, I can never love another person in the same way I loved him. It just won't happen. I don't know if that means he's my soulmate or if I'm jaded or whatever, but all I know is I loved him.
I always end up eating my words. We're back together, and with all the power in my soul I shall do my best and try my hardest to make this work. Because he is the one I love and have always loved with all my heart. There is no question. I don't care what anyone says; he's the one I love and nothing can take that from me. You know, I might have been frustrated and said bad things about him, but I think we all go through those states where we're so frustrated we can't think clearly at all.
He knows what's right deep down in his conscience. I believe that there is one ultimate source of truth that we all have buried within our souls, and only some of us come to that truth in our lifetimes. The majority of us may choose not to find it. We seek our own truth, which may not be truth at all; just empty falsehoods.
I have a moral compass. I will use it to help me find the deep inner source of truth within myself, so I can improve. So I can do better. So I can be better.
The hardest thing in the world is going to be telling certain people about a recent decision I've mad. I am afraid they'll ostracize me or quit loving me or something. Or just be mad at me. I hate it when people are angry at me, mostly because I aim to please. I care very much about what people think of me, and I know I shouldn't care as much as I do. It's important to care about what the outside world thinks of you, but not to the point where it hinders you from doing what you truly want.
Part of me thinks I royally screwed up, but the other part of me knows it was necessary and I did it in the best way I could. I just hate the thought that nobody agrees with my decision or thinks that this person is the best for me. They don't really know me that well at all. I don't think anyone knows my romantic side. Nobody knows all the different sides of me except me and God. Yes, I may act smart. I graduated at the top of my class. But I'm not all that smart. And I'm sorry.
One of the most annoying things about having a cold is when you get that tingly feeling in your nose all day long and you can't make yourself sneeze. That's what happened yesterday. I only sneezed once, and it wasn't quite as satisfying as it could have been.
I'll be glad once this cold is over, but I'm glad it didn't remove my voice like other colds have in the past. I need my voice for work and for everything else. And plus, it would suck to not be able to sing in the car on the way there.
I can't believe I've only been off work for four days in January. That's crazy. I've been working pretty much full time. I like my job and everything, but it's exhausting and stressful for me because dealing with people is not my strong point. I'd rather deal with words or numbers than people. I know that makes me sound heartless, and yes, I have tried to hide the fact that I have a heart, but I'm not all that bad. I'm an introvert at heart and people will always exhaust me more than they stimulate me or make me happy.
The Tip Jar