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A new batch... in which I shall rant about the same old things. No, not really. Last night, I realized that my boyfriend and I have more similar thought processes than I had initially thought. He's really not so different from me. But then again, all humans are quite similar. We all want and need the same basic things. It's just that nature and nurture combine to make us different, so different that we sometimes cannot get along. That is what leads to wars and fighting and a lot of the conflict we have in this world. Lots of philosophizing...
I shut down my computer. It logged me out of everything except this site. Weird. I'm not one of those paranoid types who worries about logging out of everything or if someone's trying to steal my personal information. I know a few people like that. It seems as though they live in fear of this crazy thing that doesn't happen very often. I don't worry about what I have no control over. The things I worry about are like "I'm not sure I'm going to be able to do that" or whether I'll have the strength to do something.
Little things I have to do... but I get interrupted. I need to have my hair trimmed; it's looking more and more like a bush every day. But I don't really care. I like my hair and the majority of people I see tell me they like it long, too. I think I look rather foolish and childish with short hair, but that could be just my imagination. One of these days I will have a day where all I do is catch up on my sleep and try to get my life in order. I feel unbalanced lately.
I had more time this week, but I still managed to get behind. Oddly enough, it hasn't been an easy week like I've anticipated. It's been rather hard, but what can you do about that, right? We can only do so much. I want my boyfriend to come to church with me, and I want him to understand what I like about church and why it's important to me. He doesn't necessarily have to convert to my religion, but that would be nice. I'm not going to force conversion on him. That is his own decision that I can't make.
I found my list of April songs that I can listen to once Lent is over. I think I'm going to post them on my blog so that others may listen. Sharing music is an interesting thing. You sometimes feel personally offended when one of your friends doesn't like the same music you do. I try not to feel that way, and not to take music so personally. If someone doesn't like my favorite bands, I honestly don't mind. That's their personal preference. Chances are, I don't like their favorite bands. But what can you do? To each his own.
I'm going to choose God because God always loves me. His love is not conditional, and I know that no matter what I do, he knows what I'm going to do - what mistakes I'm going to make - and he loves me anyway. He'll always be there for me. The same cannot be said for any earthly caretakers or guardians. They will all pass away, just as the things of this world will pass away. Yes, we may get sucked into the things of this world, but they are essentially meaningless compared to faith and God, who is creator of all.
I'm tempted to stop wearing makeup to work because it irritates my eyes and makes them puffy. I rarely wear makeup as it is, mainly because I don't think women should really wear it. It bothers me when I see women with so much foundation caked on, their eyelids heavy with eye shadow and their lashes darkened with mascara. It really bothers me. Don't you think you're beautiful just the way God made you? What's the point of putting on all that makeup? Who are you trying to impress? I think women are beautiful anyway, even more beautiful without makeup.
I still struggle with jealousy a lot. I think jealousy stems from low self-esteem, and I've been trying to improve my self-esteem lately. It's not as easy as it sounds. It requires reversing a lot of the negative thoughts I feed myself, and it requires telling myself that we are all human and we all make mistakes. Each of us, as human beings, has intrinsic value and worth. Nobody and nothing can take that away from us. Nobody is better or worse than anyone else; we are all worthy as humans, no matter how we feel about ourselves.
Within five years, I'll be married. I have to look at how I was five years ago to get some perspective... how I've changed since then, or whatever. Five years ago, it was 2007. I think I have changed quite a bit. I feel more confident. I graduated college. I have a job now (even though it's not the job I want or am qualified for). I've managed to change my mentality on certain things to a more positive one. I'm less inclined to give in to temptations. I think I'm a little more self-disciplined. I can only improve.
Have you ever loved someone without knowing why you love that person? Like, you care deeply about them and their well-being, yet you can't put a concrete reason on why you love them. Maybe the reason you love them is because they love you too. Or maybe it's because you felt a deep connection to that person, but you can't even find the reason for that connection. Love might be something that has no reason. We love who we love, and no questions should be asked. But I guess that doesn't make much sense. Love doesn't make sense sometimes.
I admit, I am a bit of a perfectionist. I tend to believe that if I'm not productive, I have little intrinsic worth. If I'm sitting on my butt all day I think I'm lazy and beat myself up over it. I am not perfect, though. I'm human and every human being has their own set of flaws that they need to work to improve, and their own set of talents that they can use to bring enjoyment to others' lives and help others. It's impossible to be the best person in the world because there is no such person.
Although I haven't heard the song in quite some time, Flyleaf's "Tiny Heart" came into my head and it was nice because I still don't quite understand the precise meaning of the lyrics and I enjoy speculating over what they mean. I know it's got something to do with God, about God loving us unconditionally, even though we are flawed human beings and although we constantly turn away from him in favor of the things in the world. God knows we have the best intentions and he wishes we would turn to him so he can make us the best.
I dreamed I was dancing last night to a song that I haven't heard since before Lent. It's one of the "motivational" songs that I listen to before I go to work. I think I might be dancing to the song in my head for the rest of the day. I have a double shift today and I wish the days of these double shifts would end... I feel bad that I can't do anything about it. The only way I could would be to quit, and I don't give up. I will let it exhaust me before I quit.
Lust is weakness, and as a human, I often succumb to that weakness. I don't like to admit it, but admittance of failings sometimes makes you more humble. I am a failure at quite a few things, but I am also a winner at a few things. I am human, but I try not to use my humanity as a crutch. "I don't have the willpower, I'm just a weak human being" is a cop-out. Humanity by its nature is weak, but I believe that we can be a lot stronger if we set our minds to it.
Not even two months and I'm already getting tired of fighting. Not sure how I want to do this. It's going to be insane. I don't know what's going to happen in the next five years. All I know is that I am tired, exhausted, and I don't think I can handle much more of this. I need to take a week-long vacation, but week-long vacations do not exist. I feel like I've gone on a continuous cycle with no real breaks. I can plan and plan, but my plans fall apart and make me feel rather guilty.
Wow... I guess I forgot to write in my 100 Words yesterday. That's interesting because I rarely forget about things like that. Hmm... or else I did write and forgot to save it. That's also likely. I think I've written on here before about me being married within five years. I still can't really see myself married. Changes have to take place, and I mean big changes, changes that may take more than five years to implement. First of all, my job has to change. I will not let myself be married and be working in this same old job.
St. Patrick's Day is a nice holiday since it's not one of the major hyped-up ones. Yes, there's an element of materialism to it as there is with any holiday, and there's an element of drinking. I don't even think that people really know what St. Patrick did to warrant having a holiday named after him. He pretty much saved Ireland and made it (well, parts of it) Catholic. He was a humble and learned man, because most of what he learned was through experience. I think experience is the best way to learn something. It stays with you.
Human beings are so flawed. We can try and try and try to be perfect, to be saintly, to be free of human desires that have been programmed inside us. God wants us to try our best and succeed with his help. But God feels so distant at times. Sometimes I wonder if he is really up there, caring about me as much as they say he does. How can he love us all equally? It must be one of the mysteries of theology that I can't wrap my head around. After all, they do say God is a mystery.
I had the strangest dream last night. It was about jealousy/insecurity. I never have dreams like that anymore, but I guess since the issue has been lurking in my subconscious mind, it stands to reason that I'd dream about it. I know that the insecurity is in my own mind. I am given no reason to be insecure; it's just that the slightest thing I hear that sounds "suspicious" fills me with jealousy, even though after I analyze it later, I realize how stupid it was and I realize I should never have leaped to that wrongful conclusion.
I was thinking about girls. About how perhaps all the ex-girlfriends a guy had ought to get together and talk about the guy, perhaps discuss all the things they had found wrong with him; all the reasons they couldn't get along with him and all the reasons they broke up. They should explain to the present girlfriend because she will have to deal with those things. Men never change. Nobody makes them change. Only himself can make himself change. That's it. Not all the money, all the sex, all the spoiling in the world can make a man change.
Sometimes I wish I could write a story or a novel with such power and resonance that people all over the world would talk about it years and decades after it's been written. Faulkner's work is like that. So is the work of Dickens and many other authors. It would take a lot of work and innovation to reach that level of writing awesomeness, but who knows? I love my writing and will put all that I can into it. But sometimes talent isn't made. It is something that you are born with. You either have it or you don't.
I want you to be proud of me. Don't dismiss my accomplishments and don't tell me I'm blowing you off when I have legitimate work to do. You need to be patient. You need to understand that life isn't all about games and begging and mooching off others to get what you want. That's something you don't seem to get and it enrages me. I don't know if there's anything I can do to make you understand. I suppose you have to learn it for yourself. Well, if you won't learn, then so be it. There's nothing else to say.
Unfortunately, there are a lot of two-faced people in the world. What I don't understand is how they can stand themselves. How can they wake up in the morning, look in the mirror, and live with themselves? How can they go around acting one way to one group of people and acting another way to another? It just doesn't seem fair to me. The goal in life (or one of the goals) is to try and figure out who you are. How can you if you are so divided against yourself? Have only one face on at all times.
I have a day and a week left in March. Then April comes and Easter comes with it. I always look forward to Easter, although I don't think I'm going to be able to go to Good Friday Mass this year. But what can I do, right? Sometimes life and work get in the way. The only way I could go to Mass on all the holy days of obligation is work for a Catholic-oriented place or become a nun (which I still entertain thoughts about). I don't particularly care for today's society and the things it values.
Last night, he appeared in my dreams for the first time in quite a long time. I kept running along beside him, sometimes darting in front of him, in order to get him to see me and call my name, but he never did. It was like I was invisible to him, invisible because I lacked certain organs or because the soft curves of my body did not have enough fur. My college had been turned into a mall, something like an indoor outlet mall. Each shop held a different novelty, but I did not enter any of those shops.
I'm starting to think (again) that he's not the right one for me. If he was, I don't think I'd have this much doubt. He seems to think that girls are interchangeable. If he can't have one, he goes on to the next. He claims he loves them. He claims he wants to marry them. But one is like the next. There is no one girl he loves, really. He will love whoever takes him, whoever decides to put up with him the longest. The sucker. I can't be the sucker anymore. I love him, but I can't love him.
I'm reading a rather excellent book and it's about to end. Part of me doesn't want it to end, and it's been a long time since I felt that way about a book. There's no supposed to be a sequel to this particular book and in a way, that's rather unusual. These days, most books have sequels because the publishing company wants the author to be more than just a one-hit wonder and keep making money for the publishing house. But this book stands on its own and it's perfect that way. But I don't want it to end.
I wonder if I could even land an interview anymore. I wonder if the dream job for me is right around the corner... or will I have to settle for less? I will stop at nothing until I get the job I truly want, doing what I love, and have the life I want. It might take longer than I think. I read about all these people who are my age and are already married or engaged and have their good job that they went to school for, and here I am working minimum wage after graduating summa cum laude.
The sensation of falling is nice, but the feeling of hitting the ground is not. It is nice to feel free during the fall, but once you hit the ground, reality crashes in around you and forces you to see that the sensation of falling, though joyous, was what led to the pain. Well, not so much the sensation, but whatever it was that started your fall. Think to what pushed you to the falling point. Did you fall into sin, a poisonous love, drugs, sex, alcohol, some other vice? God is there when we fall, to pick us up.
One of these days, I want to completely give up anything unhealthy for me. Soda, coffee, chocolate, chips, etc. and just drink water and eat fruits and vegetables. And meat, but I'm not a huge fan of meat at all. There's nothing else more to say about that, but I remembered that it's a Friday during Lent and it's going to be hard not to eat meat today. I guess I'll have to just keep reminding myself. I feel strange right now and I'm not sure why. Maybe it was the bizarre dream I had last night, but that's all.
Somewhere (it might have been on the Internet), I saw a car with a license plate that said something to the effect of "I tithe" and it's like... that's a little hypocritical. When you tithe, you're supposed to give in such a way that's secretive, that you don't go proclaiming from the rooftops that you give money to your church. The Bible says something like "do not let one hand know what the other is doing." God sees into our hearts, he sees our clearest intentions, and he knows what we really mean when we tithe or when we give.
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