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Happy August! I don't have much to say today... just that I was thinking that it's pretty bad when you would rather take on more work than actually write in the fiction book you've been slaving over for almost 9 years. I guess that means it's time to leave it all behind. But for me, staying super busy is what keeps the stress away -- you'd think it would stress me out more, but as far as I know, it really doesn't. (Unless the stress is just hiding and it will creep up on me one day when I'm off guard.)
I am finished with men and with relationships in general. I hate swinging back and forth, trying to decide between whether I'd be annoying the person if I called them or asked to hang out with them, then wondering if the person really likes me or is just using me for some ulterior motive... so now I'm not going to waste my time or my efforts. I don't want to be anyone's friend, not really. I'll offer help or advice or company when I'm asked to, but I don't want anything deeper or more involved than that. Hiss... stay away.
Most of the music I listen to is from the 90s. I like that era of music because it reminds me of when I was a little kid, for some reason. I remember being 8 or 9 years old and listening to Everclear and Fastball on the radio. I remember video game soundtracks with grunge and shoegaze songs on them. I can't say I relate much to the lyrics of a lot of these songs, but I guess it's the sound behind them or the general vibe that brings me back to a simpler time. Maybe it's the crunchy guitars.
I just read a book that I really enjoyed, so as a follow-up to its awesomeness, I am reading another crappy romance novel. Actually, this particular romance isn't all that bad. I tend to like the ones where the heroine is forced to take a disguise as a boy -- probably because when I was younger (and still to some extent today), I used to be a tomboy. Those were simpler days, when I could wear jeans and T-shirts all the time and no one gave a damn. Now it's like I actually have to look nice at work.
I'm not sure if I believe in love -- the love between a man and a woman, I guess. I think it's a mix of hormones and emotions and feelings. There doesn't seem to be much spirituality or supernatural "love" -- you meet someone, you lust for them, your hormones tell you to make babies with them, you screw around with them, the hormonal glue kicks in, it's a bitch to break up with them, you're heartbroken... not love. It's lust and hormones and biology. To me, love is finding a spiritual connection, finding things to talk about. Being best friends.
Today it is raining. That's not terribly unusual because it rained for practically the entire month of June.
Today I had another dream about a guy I could never imagine being with in real life.
Today there is no water in the house because a pipe is broken. Makes me feel like I need to go out to the well and bring up some buckets or something.
Today I didn't get stuck behind the slow guy on the commute to work.
Today the coffee machine at work was broken so I had to go downstairs to get my coffee.
Lately, I have been thinking about longevity. What is the point of living until you're more than 100 years old, yet you're sitting in a bed and you can't do anything because you feel so sick and weak? Or you're blind and you can't read or watch TV anymore, or you're deaf and you can't listen to the radio or hear your loved ones talking? I guess that's a bad argument and offensive to those who are deaf or blind, but even when you're old, there is always a bright side. They tell you to think positively all the time.
I may have some weekend work if I don't get my stuff together today and tomorrow. So I will try my best to get caught up with everything that I have and everything I'm dealing with. It's not really a lot, but as usual, if I wait until the last second, it could end up snowballing until "not that much" turns into "way too much" and everything turns into a panic as the deadline rushes closer.
I have not been to the beach this year. I keep dreaming about it, though. That, and other bodies of water. Perhaps a lake.
Apparently, when I eat breakfast, Cheerios escape my bowl without my notice and they end up on the table. Then my dad finds them and puts them in various strange places around the house. One time, I found one glued to the Esc key on my keyboard. I couldn't get it off by pulling it; it was glued so tightly I thought I'd take the whole key off. So I actually had to cut it off with scissors. Even today, a tiny bit of Cheerio remains on my keyboard. Cheerios still haven't stopped escaping my bowl to this very day.
I remember when I was in 4th grade and some of the kids in my class used to watch South Park. My parents never let me watch it (and they were probably right to) because of its bawdy and inappropriate humor. So all my classmates' South Park jokes were completely lost on me. I didn't know who killed Kenny or even who Kenny was. I wondered if Mr. Hanky was a handkerchief. My parents just wondered what the parents of my classmates were smoking to let them watch that horrible show. To this day, I don't care for South Park.
Teaching is not my forte. It's hard for me to get up in front of a group of students and try to impart my knowledge. I now understand why so many teachers rely on standardized tests, busy work, movies, and group work to teach for them or to help them teach: it's a lot easier. It takes the pressure off.
You can't succumb to that. You have to do the hard thing. Students want to hear someone teach. They want to learn, and the best way to get them to learn is to get them involved in the lesson.
Being in an abusive relationship is like trying to put your precious items on a table with three legs: it's going to tip over and you're going to lose everything. It's totally unstable. You can try to add another leg to the table, but chances are, you won't find the right type of wood because it cannot be found. Plain and simple. You cannot put that piece of the person back with the person. You cannot fix this three-legged table, so you'll have to just leave it in the scrap heap and move on to better, more stable things.
Muddy coffee and a feeling of loneliness. The dust of my mistakes flies up where I tread and chokes me. Poetry is lost on my tone-deaf ears. All I have is who I am, and around others, who I am is not enough because the exuberance of the extroverts drowns out my tiny voice. Salvation can be found in friends or in books, but books cannot comfort like the embrace of a friend. Pain can also be found in books, but there is no pain like the pain of a friend pressing the proverbial knife into your back, twisting.
Keyboards. The one I have at work is a disgusting mess that anyone in their right mind would be ashamed of. It's got about a million crumbs lodged in it, and some of the characters on the keys have been scraped away by my long nails, which I desperately need to cut. (How do those women with fake nails type?) I'm amazed this keyboard still works, to be honest.
My keyboard at home is much better. The characters on the keys can't be scraped away and the illumination still works. There are crumbs, but definitely not as many.
Mice. Not the cute little furry creatures (which aren't all that cute when you find that one has chewed holes in your favorite box of cereal and left droppings all throughout the inside of the bag), but the computer hardware. That useful point-and-click device.
I don't know what I did before they invented mice with scroll wheels, to be honest. The scroll wheel is the best thing since sliced bread, as far as I'm concerned. (Honestly, to tell the truth, I'm not a huge fan of sliced bread, unless it's rye. Seedless rye. But I digress.)
Be careful what you wish for. It might come true and the consequences might not be all that lovely.
Now... what you pray for might be a little different. I believe that God will let you have what you like, as long as it's in accordance with his plan for you. God always has the best possible plan for us, even if our minds are too small to understand the magnitude of it.
Some people think everything in the world is a result of randomness, but I don't think that's true, really. The world is simply too intricate.
When I fall in "love," I swear that my IQ falls into the negative range. Common sense is forgotten about and strewn about like the petals of dry flowers, and I find that I cannot concentrate on anything save for the face of my "beloved."
I've been thinking about dating. Getting back into trying to find someone. Why? Because I don't want to be miserable and lonely. Not sure if that's the most noble reason to find someone, but I can't keep saying there's no one out there for me if I don't try.
But... losing my IQ?
After I broke up with my ex-boyfriend the first time, I made something called "the shopping list," which detailed qualities I would want in my next boyfriend if he ever happened to appear.
(However. I wasn't able to get over my ex, so we dated again. What a horrible mistake that was. So I have to begin the whole "getting over him" process again. I embarrass myself sometimes.)
What the shopping list boils down to: the guy has to share my religious views and he has to be someone I'd be comfortable having kids with. End of story.
Yesterday, I went shopping for clothes. I don't know which I dislike more: clothes shopping or getting a haircut. Why? I can't really say. It's not that I can't find clothes that fit (although it is tough to find size 1 and size 0 pants) or that I don't look good in the clothes... I guess it's just time-consuming. Haircut, same thing. I guess I'm hesitant about changing my hair after having it the same way for such a long time. I want to keep my hair long until it starts to go gray, so I need trims, but...
The Clothing Conspiracy
Yesterday, I was at Target because I badly needed to go shopping. I always shop juniors even though I'm not technically a junior anymore (plus, I'm too small to fit into most women's clothes).
Most of the clothing in juniors was sheer and needed a camisole to go under it so you could wear it and look decent in public. Why? So you don't just buy the sheer, $20 top. You need to buy the $16 camisole, too: a whole top is something like ~$36.
I need to start shopping in the thrift shop, no lie.
Well, it seems that all my years of typing have caught up with me; I have carpal tunnel, or if not that, then something close to it because my wrists hurt. I need to get my ergonomic mouse pad back, and I need a new office chair. The one I have is too big and uncomfortable for me.
Enough bitching. Wait, more bitching. I realized I have a serious problem with people who wear a lot of makeup. Why? I'm not sure. One of those unexplained prejudices, I suppose. Almost 95% of people look better without makeup. Really. Truly.
I went to the dentist the other day, and they have a fairly new, young dentist there. He reminded me of a frat boy; he looked only about a few years older than me and he had these baby blue eyes. In other words, he would have been attractive had he not been so condescending. He also has a harem of dental hygienists at his beck and call, so I guess that must have brought his frat boy arrogance to a new height when he got hired at that particular office. Oh, well. Not all men are nice and humble.
Which is worse? To be alone forever or to settle for someone who really isn't that great for you?
Being alone is painful, especially when you're in a context where you're always seeing happy couples or hearing about others' kids or grandkids.
But being with someone who doesn't fit you is painful, too. You can't get along. You try to make things better but end up hurting each other more.
I could settle. I could be alone. Either would be easy. Or I could do the hard thing and look for a good relationship.
My faith is lacking. I do not know whether I should lie back and trust God or whether I should try hard and do risky things and ask God to protect me. Or perhaps I should do some kind of bizarre mixture of both. I don't know how to go about any part of my life. I have everything: a good job, people who care about me... but I am virtually alone. My friends are few and far between, and I do not know if I want to take the risk of friendship, but I know I can't be alone.
I was watching The White Queen (come on, it's better than Here Comes Honey Boo Boo), and supposedly Elizabeth was a witch. She and her mother and her daughter cast spells. People were apparently very superstitious in the medieval times, but I wonder if the spell casting meant that they were secretly Wiccans or pagans. Then again, they probably weren't because I don't think Wiccans cast bad spells to hurt people. It sort of makes me want to do some research. I got a book about Richard III and the princes in the tower, but it might not help much.
When I was in high school, I didn't realize that the quickest way to get the most social capital was to get a boyfriend or girlfriend. Once you had one, you gained power. You gained, to some extent, either popularity or notoriety, depending on whether your significant other was good or not. Either way, you had power. And people wanted to take that power. A lot of girls wanted my boyfriend. Why? I don't know, because in hindsight, I don't even know why I wanted him. Maybe to subconsciously wield power over the girls? Creepy, but it'd make good fiction.
Today is going to be ludicrously busy. I can't even begin to say how busy today will be. So I guess I should be working and doing what I have to do to get through today instead of writing this entry. Now I just have to decide where to begin.
Had a weird dream last night about playing basketball. I have wanted to play for the longest time, but I do not have ball. Or a hoop. I guess I could borrow the neighbor's hoop and buy a ball, or I could buy a ball and hoop myself.Whatever.
Action movies. I'm getting tired of the explosions, the car chases, the torrid love affairs, the superheros... it's so lame. I like those weird black and white French movies where there's no physical conflict and an existential meaning to the entire film. That's interesting to me. That's real life conflict, and it's easy to relate to. They always tell you not to solve your problems by setting off explosives... or punching and kicking and fighting with people. I guess the French movies tell you to solve problems by having an existential crisis? Or by thinking about life and death?
Out of bed, in front of the computer, raring to go, and ready to work til I drop (basically what I did yesterday). Too much sugar in my coffee means I'm going to be running on the Force of Pure Adrenaline (I initial-cap that for a reason) for at least a few hours, which is precisely what I need to get the work done. I love being busy... so much better than being idle. And you know I can't do anything without first writing 100 words. Even after six years, it is still a source of therapy. 'Nuff said.
Do you ever feel like there are things that you should have known without anyone telling you? Like really obvious things? I guess I should re-phrase that... people tell you things that are obvious or worth knowing about life, like "guard your heart" and similar sayings. You listen and you think you understand, until you come to a situation in life where that statement applies... and you have no idea how to put those words into action. How does one guard her heart? No matter how many warnings you get about love, it still affects you. You make mistakes.
The Internet was down for a little while this morning, so I was going to write my 100 words from my phone instead. I miss the days when I had the phone where the keyboard slid out, but now I have the phone where you have to peck out each letter, and that's just a pain, especially when I was getting used to using my thumbs to type on the phone's little keyboard. I don't think Swype (or whatever it is) helps much, and picking commonly used words out of a little box is plain annoying. Ugh. Sick of phones.
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