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April 9, 2014: I haven't been on here in a long time. Nothing much has changed. I still have the same job. I'm still single. Still trying to write in my spare time and keeping up with my blog. Somewhere down the line, I decided I wasn't going to bother with 100 Words anymore, so I stopped writing. Now I'm back and I'll be back for as long as I want to... until writer's block appears or the muse suddenly decides to leave. I still think writing in short segments like this is valuable. You train yourself to think short.
April 9, 2014: Every day, I play a game with myself. It's called "How Much Do I Remember from 10 Years Ago?" (But I never called it by that name until now.) On this day, 10 years ago, what happened? (Should I do this for April 9 or for March 2?) March 2 is my cousin's birthday, but I live so far away from him that I've only met him three times in my life, not counting the times when I was a baby because I don't remember those. So... April 9, 2004... what happened? I think I was happy.
April 9, 2004: Anyone remember RuneScape? It was an MMORPG with really bad graphics that I used to play when I was about 15 or 16 years old. Last night, I tried to log into my old account just for kicks, but it didn't remember me. I couldn't remember my last password and when I sent in a request to bring back my account, the request was denied. It made me sad, but I didn't want to play the game anymore, really. I guess I wanted to look at my old character and walk around, but not get sucked in.
April 10, 2014: I am trying to get closer to God, but I keep wondering whether I'm doing it for selfish reasons. I'm not brave enough to serve him, to go out among people and be open about my faith. I am too afraid of the naysayers. I am too afraid of people in general and always have been. Social skills are my weakest point and every time I think of talking to a stranger, my stomach hurts. If I have to go to some kind of social event after work, I get a headache. It literally causes me pain.
April 10, 2014: Old friends frequently appear in my dreams. I find myself talking to them like I did in the good old days, when I actually had people to confide in. But it wasn't really confiding. There were no heart-to-heart conversations, just talks about blase topics like movies, music, video games, and random stuff that happened in each other's lives. I never hugged my friends. I never told them I loved them. They brought their drama into my life and made the corners of my mouth turn down. I'm a terrible friend. I wanted a clean slate.
April 10, 2014: Writer's block has taken over me. This is not like high school or college when I always had something to write about or some random thing to make note of. This is work. This is the so-called real world that parents and teachers and authority figures have been warning me about since infancy. Nothing happens at work that is interesting enough to be written down. Nothing happens that's a quick, easy anecdote without a bunch of backstory that needs to be told. That's all right, but I can't help but feel that my life is stagnant.
April 10, 2014: I hate feeling emo. I hate feeling like a whiner. I hate feeling jealous and bitter because of all the things that I don't have. I'm not grateful enough. Sometimes I want to leave my entire life behind and go to some third world country so I can learn what it's really like to have life-threatening problems that could literally kill you, not all the first-world crap I whine about incessantly on here and elsewhere. I am tired of hearing nothing but my own voice echoing through my head. Tired of wishing, waiting, and wanting.
April 10, 2014: The light is coming in through the window of my office. The grass outside is so green, it reminds me of those stock photos of Ireland. If I look closely, I could probably see a leprechaun scampering across the grass. This past weekend, I watched an anthill. I watched ants lift twigs that were bigger than they were and use them to build up their little fortress. I watched them rub their feelers together and announce each others' presence. They were oblivious to me, the shadow hanging over them, head cocked and quietly curious. Perfect tiny creatures.
April 10, 2014: What happened to self-control? I know that those who advocate abstinence education for teens believe in self-control for teenagers and for everyone. Those who advocate birth control are either more realistic or they don't have faith in self-control, don't believe in developing it and nurturing it. Self-control and willpower. Yeah, it is hard to be totally celibate and disengage from every form of sexual activity. It can be done through discipline and self-control. But there are people who will fail... and that's OK because everyone fails. Everyone deserves a second chance.
April 10, 2014: Here Comes Honey Boo Boo! That show reminds me of so many "redneck" things I see in real life. It is the first reality show I've seen that is entirely realistic, except perhaps 16 and Pregnant or Teen Mom. I don't like how you're judged if you watch reality TV or if you watch those overdramatic talk shows like Maury Povich and Jerry Springer. But then again, you're judged no matter what, so it would make more sense not to worry about it. I don't care. I watch all those shows because they're interesting. They are real.
April 10, 2014: To stay busy is better than to be bored. When you're bored, all these things you don't want to think about or remember creep up on you. You fall into the trap of self-pity and self-hatred. Some days, I want to load myself up with pointless tasks so that I don't get bored and fall into an issue. I wish I could be one of those people who forgot other people easily. One of those people to whom days feel like years and years feel like centuries. But even when I'm busy, I overthink things.
April 10, 2014: I am working on Camp NaNoWriMo this month, and ironically, if I was writing on my novel rather than trying to catch up on 100 Words, I would have made my word count for the day by now. But that will have to wait until I get home from work and can actually sit down and concentrate. Sometimes it seems that I can only concentrate on weekends, when I set aside a block of time and allow myself to think at my own pace, without being rushed along by everyone else's demands. I am my own boss.
April 10, 2014: What is happiness? I know it's different for every person, but I don't know what real happiness would look like for me. Maybe a shorter commute. A more comfortable chair. Family and good friends to confide in. Time and incentive to write. A world without disease. All of these things are ideals that are unrealistic and unattainable. I know that I could never hope to receive them in this lifetime, but maybe in heaven, I will have all those things. And family members that I have lost. For now, I will write myself out of the darkness.
April 10, 2014: Some words are grating on the ear. Like "gout." There's a few others, but of course, I can't think of them right now. Maybe something like "utilize." People think that adding "-ize" to everything makes them sound smarter or the words sound better. I just think it makes them sound pretentious. "Blog" is also one of those words that sounds hideous. It's not easy to say, though. It doesn't trip off the tongue like something with a lot of "s" sounds and a lot of "e" and "a" sounds. Like Stella. That is quite a lovely word.
April 10, 2014: The great taboo topic: abortion. I consider myself pro-life, but I've always wondered if I would still be pro-life if I got pregnant as a teenager... or even now. Would I make a bunch of excuses to myself? Would I still be pro-life if I knew the child I was carrying had some kind of terrible illness? Would I still be pro-life if I got cancer and was also pregnant? I have tried to put myself in those shoes many times. I have tried to see out of those eyes, but I can't.
April 10, 2014: This Heartbleed bug or virus or whatever it is is completely crazy. I already changed my passwords on all the sites that got patched. It makes me wish I didn't have all these sites, that I didn't share all this information. Yes, everyone's doing it and everyone has all these different accounts, but it doesn't make things right. Supposedly, there's this new thing now where people take selfies after they've had sex, I suppose to document the post-coital bliss. This is what I don't understand... animals have sex. Everyone does it. Why is your sex somehow special?
April 10, 2014: I've become obsessed with pregnancy and tracking fertility cycles and the development of a fetus. I have no clue why I'm suddenly obsessed with these things. Hormones would be a likely guess. Or else I'm just thinking that I will likely never have a child, so why not dream about it while I can? While I'm not too old. I can't believe that in less than 20 years, I will no longer be able to have kids. It's kinda freaky. I wish I could stop thinking about the path of life and travel through it without thinking.
April 10, 2014: I think I jinxed my future husband. I don't think I will have one. I keep envisioning my wedding day and walking down the aisle, buying a house and having kids... and I feel like, because I imagined all that, I won't get to experience it. But that makes no sense. Plenty of women think about all that stuff and still manage to get married. I think about it too much, and I'm ironically too lonely to find someone. It bothers me, but as with the pregnancy/baby obsession, I wish I could forget it and live.
April 11, 2014: Is there a such thing as having a crush on someone but having no sexual feelings whatsoever? Is there such a thing as a platonic crush? If so, I believe that's what I have. I admire this person. I want to know this person better, but this person always remains an arm's length away from me. This person is a mystery to me, and I suppose that's why I have this odd crush or whatever it is. I look at this person and I find them aesthetically pleasing, but there is nothing sexual about it at all.
April 11, 2014: Whenever my best friend comes over, I let him sit in my chair because, well, I don't want him to sit on my bed since I only have a twin-size bed. So he sat in my blue chair, which is one of those pneumatic chairs that goes up and down with that little lever thingy. And he broke my chair. I weigh something like 90-94 pounds. He weighs 250 or something. He broke my chair, and when I put my full weight on it now, it doesn't stay in position. That's what friends are for.
April 11, 2014: I want a boyfriend, but I'm scared to go on a dating site. They're supposed to be safe, but I keep hearing horror stories about OkCupid and eHarmony and how all you meet on there are a bunch of creeps who only want one thing and aren't looking for a real relationship that might lead to something scary known as marriage. Then there's the whole "this person is evaluating me" thing. I start worrying about how I am perceived, which is silly because I'd be evaluating him, too -- just as closely as he's looking at me.
April 11, 2014: Some rappers and hip-hop artists are fond of announcing their name at the beginning of the song. Like Jason Derulo. He starts every song with "Jason Deruloooo." Why do they do this? Do they announce themselves so we don't forget their ridiculous names? Like Juicy J? Busta Rhymes? 50 Cent? P. Diddy? Puff Daddy or whatever his name is? Oh, and Wiz Khalifa, Lil Wayne, Lil Jon, Lil Kim, Lil Mama, Dem Franchize Boyz, Macklemore... I could go on forever with all these silly names. What's wrong with using just the first and the last name?
April 11, 2014: Sometimes I feel like a religious phony, like I'm being pretentious by going to church. Like I am a Pharisee, praying so that other people can see me and so that I can see other people out of the corner of my eye and judge them on their outfits or how long they kneel in the pews before Mass starts. Such a hypocrite, but I think everyone secretly does it. Again, that doesn't mean it's right, and I wish I could give up the habit of judging. What's worse is I judge myself three times as harshly.
April 12, 2014: You know that old song by the Flys? Got You Where I Want You? I have had that song stuck in my head for the past couple of days, and I ironically, I have nothing and no one exactly where I want it. Life is so bizarre. I used to believe that dreams were prophecies. That songs held some kind of magic. Now I know that dreams are only desires that are not fulfilled in your waking life and songs are just objects to be consumed, like food or like cars. They get old and fall apart.
April 12, 2014: Ours is a culture of sex rather than a culture of love. When we look at a person, we judge their physical attractiveness, not their measure of kindness or the way they treat others. When we get into a relationship, we fall in lust first. What comes after that is either love or pure disgust. (Or perhaps that's just my experience.) In essence, I don't believe most people care about others for who they are but for what they can get out of them. If I can't benefit you in some way, you will not like me.
April 12, 2014: Today is the most perfect spring day. You can see the fresh green leaves sprouting from the branches of the trees. The windows are open. Birds are singing. There is a concert close to my house tonight, and I wonder if I'll be able to hear it if I sit by my window and listen hard enough. I hope so. It'll remind me of good days, before everything went all boring and before all the magic drained out. I suppose I have to make my own kind of magic these days. Invent things, write, draw, and paint.
April 12, 2014: Again, I dreamed about my ex-boyfriend. I miss him. It's pitiful. I keep writing about it and I don't know why. He wasn't even the best boyfriend. He was almost an abusive boyfriend, but he either had something good in his mind telling him not to or else he didn't have the balls to properly abuse... if you can say something like that. I'm sure that's not PC. Anyway... I keep wondering what happened to him. Where he lives and what he's doing and who he's with and stuff. It's like self-torture and who cares?
April 12, 2014: I bought Pokemon White almost 2 years ago and I haven't yet beaten it. I bought Pokemon White 2 fairly recently and beat it in about a month. That's what bugs me about video games. They're so addicting and you rush right through them without taking the time to enjoy and savor the graphics, the worlds, and the gameplay itself. The fact that you're in a first-world country and you have leisure time to spend playing video games is amazing in itself. Not many people realize this. Video games are not a necessity by any means.
April 12, 2014: Another thing about video games... there are people who call themselves "gamers" and take pride in that. Maybe I'm just jealous because I'm not that great at video games. I don't own that many and I've never had much desire to sit in front of a screen. But I don't think being a "gamer" is something to take pride in, unless you are one of the few who actually works on video games for a living or is the number one Quake player in the world. To me, a "gamer" is someone who doesn't get fresh air.
April 12, 2014: Back to the topic of "gamers." There are people who consider themselves to be "avid readers," and they don't get much fresh air either, unless they sit outside. I read often and don't enjoy sitting outside because it's either too hot, too cold, or there are too many mosquitoes. Plus, the words turn green in front of my eyes. So perhaps there is nothing to take pride in about being a reader, either. If you actually absorb what you read in the books, then yes, but if you're letting your eyes scan over the page, then no.
April 12, 2014: Maybe I hate all these things because I'm jealous of the people who enjoy them. I hate the idea that I might be a completely bitter, hateful person who hates what other people enjoy just because they enjoy it, and I'm bitter, hateful, and selfish. Like those people you see riding bikes or jogging. You hate them because they're slow and you have to drive carefully around them. You also hate them because they're doing a physical activity and you're sitting on your ass like a lazy bum. But it's not hatred of these people, not really.
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