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Well... because I have no window in my new office, and I have two monitors, on the second monitor, I put a picture of a window. I also drew a window on the whiteboard next to my desk (which I didn't have before in my old office). Strangely enough, there is an empty Rock Band box (the video game) inside my office, flattened and leaning against the wall. I have no idea why it's there. My company doesn't do any work in video games. I think the original owner of Rock Band was trying to sell it on the classifieds.
It's almost the end of the day, and I have no idea what to write about. Supposedly Facebook has been doing experiments on its users and treating them like guinea pigs, which is no surprise. So glad I quit Facebook, except I sometimes have eerie dreams where I log into my old account and it's back the way it was and I have about a thousand unread messages. What a nightmare. I am not big on social media right now, what with all the privacy issues and drama, and I doubt I'll get back on it. Maybe after everyone quits.
I finally read The Princess Bride a few weeks ago, so I know what all the references and Internet memes mean. I hate when someone makes a movie reference and they think everyone has seen that movie, but I haven't seen most movies, so the reference is lost on me. Then the conversation turns to how unbelievable it is that I haven't seen the movie. I always say something like, "But I read the book!" and of course, that doesn't count because nobody else has read the book. I read Forrest Gump but never seen it; same with Princess Bride.
I'm going to a conference in a few months. I have never planned a trip before, even though I'm going only one state away. Well, actually, I have planned a trip before, but it was only a day trip. This trip is the better part of a week. I can't believe it. I don't know whether to look forward to it or dread it. It's one of those conferences where I will be meeting new people, so that is both interesting and intimidating. I should look forward to it. It's an opportunity to form a new personality, in a way.
I still miss him. I don't think it will ever go away. Some small event reminds me of him, and I have a dream with him where I imagine I'm seeing him again. The dreams are so real, and when I call out his name, I imagine that I'm saying it in real life. When I wake, reality hits me in the face, and the reality of it is that I will never see him again, and if I ever do, he will walk past me like a stranger on the street without any recognition. That'll be a sad day.
If I don't have a family when I get older, I will use my vacation time and money to take trips all over the world. Visit Italy and Germany and Africa and the Caribbean and various sites of interest all over the United States. I'd like to see the Grand Canyon and Mount Rushmore and Niagara Falls and Disney World and Disney Land and the Great Lakes. If you have money, it makes sense to enjoy it rather than store it in a vault, especially if you have no one who will inherit it once you have passed on.
Back at work after the three-day weekend. I did not go to sleep until late last night, probably to try and prolong my weekend as much as possible, but I ended up going to bed at a halfway-decent hour anyway because I knew I would be crabby if I didn't. Nothing really interesting to say, but I realized that holidays aren't holidays without little kids running around and bringing enthusiasm and excitement with them. I saw all these little kids so excited about the Independence Day fireworks, and it made me want to have kids myself, oddly enough.
I'm not a mother, but I know it must be exhausting to have little kids around you all day with no break. I suppose it might even be easier for working mothers because at least they spend some part of the day around adults rather than kids. But stay-at-home moms also have it easy; they don't need to worry about their job or taking time off when the kids get sick. Both moms have it hard, too. I would imagine that motherhood is a tough balancing act no matter what. I'm sure I wouldn't be ready for it.
The Internet is a place for TMI. Really. Everywhere you look, there's porn. Even if I do an innocuous Google search for something as simple as "kittens," I will find porn. Safe search doesn't help much, and it's too easy to bypass. I feel sorry for the kids who are growing up with the Internet around them constantly. I wish they didn't have to grow up surrounded by screens, and I hope their parents are prudent enough to not let them sit in front of screens all day. I remember days when everyone had a TV in their room. Blurgh.
I thought about how, during sex, you allow another person to take possession of your body. It is not entirely your own body anymore at that moment. And if the union leads to a child, the child has possession your body (if you are a woman) for nine months. Of course, the child will not be there forever and is only looking for nurturing and a safe place to grow before he or she enters the world. Pregnancy is a sacrifice. Sex is something to be ready for; don't give your body to someone who does not deserve it.
I was going to write about something depressing, but I don't feel depressed anymore (PMS, probably), so instead I will write about Pokemon. I don't care how old I get; I will play Pokemon until they pry the handheld device from my cold arthritic hands. I want to get a 3DS, but I'm not sure of the price. I always am really behind in buying electronic devices; I wait more than a year after they come out so I can get a cheaper price, and then I buy used. A lot of people get so excited that they can't wait.
I have been neglecting Camp NaNoWriMo. I adjusted my word count so it is the exact number of words I would write in a month anyway, without some looming fake deadline. I don't care as much about Camp NaNo as I do about the real event in November, so I may let this one slide if some kind of huge issue comes up that prevents me from finishing. I have 2,000 words to write today because I was lazy for two days in a row, and I have to make up for it. Oh, well. That's what I get.
I am caught back up on NaNoWriMo. It was fairly easy to write 2,000 words yesterday. I enjoy the character who is in this particular scene and I've been writing about him for almost 10 years now. A lot of things are coming up on their 10-year anniversary this year, and so much has changed since then. I was a relatively innocent teenager with a rudimentary understanding of anything beyond school and academia. Now I have slightly more than a rudimentary understanding, and I can never expect to fully understand anything, let alone everything, in this complicated world.
Sometimes you get so busy that stuff seems to fall out of your head. I don't know where it goes when it falls. Maybe the Realm of Forgotten and Neglected Tasks, but in any event... I have forgotten a few things. Nothing major that I can recall, and it seems to be more of an annoyance than a true inconvenience. I usually write everything down, but I have gotten too busy to actually take the time to lay out what I have to do. I write stuff on bits of paper and keep those all over, so there's no organization.
I keep having dreams about forbidden things that normally my subconscious wouldn't be averse to. My real-life self is in the dream telling me no, and I know it's a dream, but I don't do it anyway out of fear that something I do in a dream may actually affect me in real life. What is freedom? If my subconscious won't let me do something, does that mean something is keeping me enslaved? What is it? Am I restricting myself too much? I can imagine that it would be so. Nirvana's "Heart-Shaped Box" is stuck in my head.
Makeup does have an expiration date. It is a secret little symbol on most of the makeup containers you have. It'll say something like 12M inside it. Makeup irritates my eyes, so I don't like to wear it at work or else I will be squinting at things all day long. Maybe the brightness on my monitor is too strong. It could have nothing to do with makeup at all. I have always had an aversion to makeup since sixth or seventh grade and girls were starting to wear it. Come on, take off the mask. Show your real face!
I don't like how I have to force myself to be social. I have to really convince myself to go out and talk to others on Friday night instead of sitting around the house with a book or a video game. Even then, I have to struggle to keep the conversation going. On Saturdays, I have to try hard to get out of the house to hang out with a friend. Others seem to have no problem. They seem to even like getting out of the house and talking. Me... it's like a battle. Being an introvert is tough.
What finally snaps you out of being self-centered? I don't think any one thing does it; it depends on your personality. Some people say that having a kid changes their entire outlook on life, but I think it would not matter whether you have a kid or not. Look at all the people who have kids and who still care only about themselves! Then look at all the people who do not have kids and who are completely unselfish. I just hope that if I have kids, my selfishness doesn't interfere with their well-being, their health, whatever.
I don't feel like writing on this site today. For once, I have too many thoughts to encapsulate into a mere 100 words. Some of my characters are compelling me to write about them, and that will end up being around 2,000 words for tomorrow. Camp NaNoWriMo is going well so far, and I am on track. I may even get ahead tomorrow if I end up writing those 2,000 words. It's funny to think that I've known one of my characters for almost 10 years. That's longer than I've known a lot of people in my life.
I apologize in advance, but this is going to be a TMI post. A first period is supposed to be a happy day, the day when you become a woman. I think it's kind of silly to call yourself a woman on that day. Most girls get their periods around age 12 or 13. They have 5 or 6 more years to go before they are legally adults, and once they turn 18, they will still be children, to some extent. Your body may be a woman's, but your mind is still a child's. That can lead to some confusion.
Here's hoping for another fast workweek! I should have more of a weekend than I did this past week, but that doesn't really matter because what do I do on weekends but sit around and write? I was also thinking of relationships, and how, when I was younger, I thought it wasn't mandatory to have relationships. But that's false because solitary confinement is a true punishment and human beings need companionship, whether they are introverts or extroverts. Even so, romantic relationships are still not mandatory. They are optional. That's good because I will never compete for a man's affection/love.
Six years ago, I had a dream. It was so real and so pleasing that I wanted to make it real. Real life progressed to follow the events of the dream, which became real before my eyes. All of these events were ones I could not control. I cannot change the color of an SUV or what my boyfriend's favorite fruit will be or what he will say to me when he holds me. But all of these things had already been done in the dream. My subconscious knew what was going to happen and told me where to go.
I had a dream that my crust of bread brought all the boys to the yard. I was in high school and waiting for the bus, but I did not want to talk to anyone. I was eating a crust of bread and all these boys came up. I heard the bus start to come down the road, and I realized I had left my backpack and lunch box back in the house, so I started to run. I told one of the boys to tell the bus driver to stop and wait for me, but he only laughed.
You know, you think you are holding your head up high. Not thinking about that person who broke your heart so bad. Then one night you dream about them and everything comes back as vivid as it was in real life. And you realize that you miss that person. Everything about them, even the bad things. The way they smiled, the way they held you, the scent of their skin, the crazy things they said, and how sometimes the things they said hurt you so much you wanted to lash out but never could because you loved them too much.
Yesterday, I felt like I was floating around in a dream. I couldn't get the odd events of the past out of my head, and I kept wishing that a fantasy could be made reality. I almost wished I could believe in fantasy like I used to when I was a kid. It brought such a comforting sense of hope, that no matter what, I would always have something to believe in, even if it seemed to be ridiculous to everyone else who talked to me. There comes a point when adult life stomps out fantasy and leaves it dead.
If I ever have kids, I don't know if I'll be one of those moms who stays at home or a mom who works. I don't know whether I'd get bored in the house or whether I wouldn't be able to balance work with taking care of a kid. I'd like to think that I wouldn't be bored if I was fortunate enough to stay at home; I have a hobby to keep me entertained and of course, all that housework. It depends on one's personality more than anything. Some people like to be busy all the time, some don't.
I'm reading this book about Marilyn Monroe. Not a biography; it's the fictional one that Joyce Carol Oates wrote. It's good so far but so sad. All this poor girl wanted was to be loved and not to be used, taken advantage of, and cast aside like trash. But this is what happens to so many girls (and guys) these days. All people want is to be loved, and we're all trying to get through life the best way we can. It's not right to be so trusting, but it's even more wrong for people to take advantage of it.
I don't know what to write. I started work ridiculously early this morning because I got up needing to pee and knew I wouldn't be able to get back to sleep, so I got up and got ready for work anyway. Only a few more weeks to go until my long-awaited vacation. It will be the longest time I've spent away from work since I started here over two years ago. I'm almost frightened at the prospect of an entire week of time away from the place. Not that I don't like my job. Everyone needs a break sometimes.
I had a dream I was in a horror movie with some creepy little girl who was destroying people's souls. Another thing (totally unrelated)... I'm reading a book about Marilyn Monroe (not a biography, I might have mentioned it before), but the author is making her out to have all these daddy issues. She probably did have daddy issues; a lot of women do. She probably was a little childlike and a little ditzy. I don't think the world then was the same as the world now. Now, there's no room for naivete. It is hard and cruel and ruthless.
Whoa. I was actually surprised to open my inbox and find that I wasn't slammed with emails. Maybe that means busy season is finally slowing down. My wrists still hurt, though. I use my wrists too much; perhaps I ought to get one of those wrist braces. Even so, I don't type as much as some people... who managed to do more than 100,000 words for Camp NaNoWriMo. I admire them, but I doubt I could do that even if I had the entire month free (with no work, no kids, no job search, no commitments). It's too much.
Sometimes I wonder how anyone gets born, with all the complications of pregnancy and labor and how delicate a baby is. Then once your baby is born, your entire life changes. Your role changes. You're not just a woman... you're a mother. It's your job to help this new human being function in the world. What a tough job. I admire anyone who is a mother. Who went through pregnancy and birth and raising a child who grew into a successful adult. It's an amazing thing. I could not imagine doing it myself... it would be so far-fetched.
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