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Happy 2015! Even after four years of being out of school and in the working world, I can't get over the fact that real life is not neatly divided into semesters. Everything goes on and on without a true break, except for the couple of days when the company is closed for the holidays. I guess that's what makes time fly by faster. All those breaks give you some perspective; at least, that's what happened when I was at school. I got the chance to look back on the past semester before the new one started and pulled me under.
Getting off the Internet is so hard, mostly because it's always there. It's at work, and when I'm writing, I am tempted to open my browser and distract myself with the Internet.
Also, it's inspiring to see everyone's posts about their New Year's resolutions, but hardly anyone keeps them. I suppose they're more fun to make than to keep. The way I see it, if I can complete the majority of my goals, I will have done well.
I don't care what people think of my writing, but that's easy to say when it's sitting in my computer.
First world problems: Eating pizza fast and burning the roof of your mouth. Happens to me all the time, especially when it's one of those frozen pizzas that you warm up in the oven. Take-out pizza usually isn't hot enough to burn your mouth by the time you take it home and eat it, and I rarely get pizza delivered because I distrust delivery services (unless it's UPS or USPS or FedEx or DHL or one of those guys). I guess I don't trust food delivery services. I used to work at a pizza place. I know what happens.
"If you write it, they will come." That's 100% true. I have a blog on another site, and it wasn't very popular, then all of a sudden it got featured on the main page of the website and the visitors started to come. I have over 1,000 subscribers/followers today, and sometimes it's a good thing, but sometimes it's not. I have to remember that more people than just me are reading my posts, but then again, it's out on the Internet, so I have to assume I have an audience of everyone I have ever met in life.
There are things to be done, and I want nothing more than to zone out in front of the computer and not do them. Ugh, I feel like I might burn myself out, and I hate the feeling, but I don't have much time today. I got stuck in an accident (waiting as they cleared out the accident and couldn't turn around), so my commute was 2 hours and 20 minutes. Normally, it's 45 minutes, which is still fairly long, but the 2 hour, 2 minute thing really put a damper on my plans. I gotta keep on keeping on.
I walked for thirty minutes around the neighborhood today. My nose was running and every breath was freezing, but it was a good walk, and I am glad I did it. I just have to keep it up for the rest of the year. That's going to be the hard part. I've never been good at making the time to exercise when there are so many other things begging for my attention, all of which involve sitting on my butt and doing absolutely nothing with my muscles. The heat from my walk has worn off and I am cold again.
Back when I was in 9th and 10th grade, I was kind of an airhead, overinvolved in my own thoughts and doing my own thing. Today I won't try to hide it... I'm still an airhead. Hopefully a little less of one than I was back then, but even so. Old habits die hard.
I haven't looked at the news in a long time, and I don't think anything's going on that I really want to know about. Something about a big chill and something about something that happened in France. I don't know and it will upset me.
I watched this YouTube video about a guy who does a really good impression of Peter Griffin from Family Guy and he looks and sounds exactly like him. I suppose that is pretty impressive. He went to Comic Con and everyone was taking pictures of him. I've thought about going to Comic Con or something similar where I live, but I don't think I know enough about it to go. I'm a hanger-on in conversations, never really knowing the magic words to get me into the talking, so I smile and nod and listen and say something when appropriate.
Once again, I have nothing left to talk about. I feel like I either say it all in real life, say it in my journal, or express it in other ways, like burning energy through exercise or working or writing fiction or something else. Come to think of it, that's the reason I write fiction. To relieve the stress, to burn off energy, to get all the stuff out of my head that piles up in there and overwhelms me. If I had a perfect life and everything I wanted, I doubt I would write. It would all be boring.
I'm still trying to minimize my time spent on the computer. It's better to talk to people face to face anyway. I have an aversion to phone conversations and would rather talk face to face than bother someone on the phone when I am not sure that they are even listening to me. Sometimes people will talk to you when they're sitting on the toilet and you have no idea, but it's still gross. And some will talk to you while watching television or listening to music, so you don't know if they actually heard a word you just said.
Dreams tell you what you need or what you are missing in your life. If you go to bed hungry, you may dream about food. Similarly, if you have a lack of sex in your life, you will dream about it periodically. I don't have many friends, so I often dream about parties and get-togethers with people I haven't seen in ages. But I noticed that I never dream about sleep, which makes sense because sleep is the one thing you don't need when you're dreaming. I dream about waking up, but never about actually lying down and sleeping.
The rains are coming! They came and flooded parts of the roads near where I work. I saw pictures of cars that were almost completely submerged. Just a tiny sliver of the hood was peeking out from under the water. Incredible! That's not something you see every day. I just hope that the driver and passengers of the car got out OK.
In other news, I actually know someone who is discerning becoming a Catholic priest! That is the most awesome news I have heard all day long, and I will pray long and hard for him. We need priests!
I got a bunch of good ideas for my story today. It's actually a series. I'm not sure why I still call it a story. The excuse I use is that it's not published and will not be published any time in the near or distant future, unless I have a radical change of heart or want to change careers and become a full-time author. But that would be a real shot in the dark, so I'm going to stop talking about all that. It's going to be icy tomorrow and I don't have my laptop. Two-hour delay?
The workings of my mind are indeed like the workings of the Civil War. (Something I saw on Tumblr.) I am constantly having battles with myself in which I tell myself not to do something and go over the reasons why I should or shouldn't do that thing... it gets really exhausting. I wish I wasn't so involved in my own head, but it's difficult to stay out of your head when you have a job that requires you to think and stay inside your head. I sometimes wish that I could work outdoors... with plants and people and sunlight.
After two weeks of less Internet use, I still feel as if I have no time. Maybe it's because I've been going to bed so early lately. I lie down at around 9 or 9:15, mostly because my eyes are so tired by then that I cannot bear to keep them open for another second.
And things about fat-shaming, skinny-shaming, slut-shaming... everyone being shamed and blamed and damned for something, whether it's their fault or not. We live in a world full of excuses. May the best excuse win, and may we stop all complaining.
I swear, I am slowly beginning to lose my mind. Or else a demon is coming up and sucking all the life out of me as I go about my day and I don't realize it yet.
Sometimes I don't think people really ever change. We are essentially the same as we were when we were children.
Sorry this post has no cohesion or coherence. My mind is too scattered today to settle on just one thing, so I shall settle for more than one.
If dreams are revelations of inner desires, my desire is for you.
You know those really vivid dreams that you get in the hour or so before your alarm is set to go off? I had one of those last night. It felt so real, and I didn't know how I felt about it or how I should feel or what I ought to do or any of that. It was a dream. It was a reflection of my desire to find out what is really going on with a particular situation. I want to know the truth, but I won't attempt to find it, so my brain fills in the blanks.
Am I really supposed to care whether something goes viral? Am I supposed to care about your latest selfie? Am I supposed to care about all these coming out stories, all these feminism stories, all these other "ism" stories? Because I do not care. I don't care about the singing cop and the twins coming out to their father and the selfies of the week on CNN. The world is so full of vanity and self-aggrandizement. No wonder there are way more books than readers. Everyone wants to see their own words immortalized and permanent on someone else's shelf.
I hate how the drunk driver lives most of the time while the innocent victim dies. They were doing nothing more than going back home from work or the store or church and all of a sudden, they get killed because of some maniac who ends up living because his entire body is boneless and drunk and he doesn't tense and he is too wasted to know that he just ended an innocent person's life. I mean, really You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. People still do whatever the heck they want to.
Taking too long to think about what to write. I was thinking about books a few days ago. It seems that there are so many books and so few readers, so many writers and so few who want to read what those writers have to say. Is it because writing is self-indulgent? Or is it because everyone has rejected reading in favor of other pursuits? I can never be completely certain. Of course, it's probably a mix of both, but one or the other has to be the prevailing reason why there are so many copies of unwanted books.
Well, even if you do exercise, sitting will still kill you. I heard a joke once that was something like "Good health is just the slowest rate at which you can die." True, but it will probably raise the likelihood that you will die in your sleep rather than dying in a long, drawn-out way in a hospital bed in intense pain. Or maybe not. I have no idea. Weird Al is actually coming to a town near me... I wish I could get tickets, but my best friend doesn't like Weird Al. I would feel awkward going alone.
Today is the anniversary of Roe vs. Wade, a sad fact that I was reminded of when I read my emails today. In an ideal world, people would make their choice before they had sex. They would think clearly about sex and love and relationships, but it is almost impossible and extremely difficult to see when you are blinded by love or lust or whatever it is. The pull to reproduce is so incredibly strong. I honestly do not know a good way to control it except through prayer and willpower, but it is still an immense challenge. Good luck.
Last night, you followed me from dream to dream. You caught up to me and held my hand. You walked with me while we were wearing white, and I leaned over you in my long dress (not a wedding gown) and I had no breasts to speak of. You didn't laugh. You held me up. You loved me through all of that. We walked together through the fog and through the fire, and I never wanted to let you go. I wanted to hold onto the tail of that dream and drag it back so you could be with me.
I saw a diagram of ways to pet a cat, and it's all very accurate. Just like humans, cats are all the same and all different. I guess it's just cat nature. I can't say that my cat in particular only wants to go through a doorway after the door is closed, because all cats do that. I can't say that my cat in particular hates having her stomach rubbed, because all cats do. Of course, there are some exceptions, but the cat stereotypes are that way for a reason. All cats are essentially the same and act the same.
I am glad it's going to be sunny today. It seems like lately, it's just been rain, rain, rain over and over. I turned off the search engines on my blog, which means my pageview count has gone way down. I don't really care that much, but I think... what is the purpose of putting your thoughts online if you're not going to promote them? Why not just keep a paper journal? I don't really know the answers to those questions. I guess I still have that old attention-seeking behavior that I used to have. It is so juvenile.
I'm late writing this entry because the Internet has succeeded in distracting me. OK, I think I'll quit being distracted and get off the Internet as soon as I finish writing this. I have no idea what to write about, and I want to write about something petty and stupid, like the importance or the unimportance of being in a relationship, but it is all fairly meaningless. Some people are so clingy that they stick to whoever will have them, and others are so cold that they never stick to anyone. I trend more toward the latter than the former.
The snow is coming down in New England, and I am a little bit envious. When I was driving to work, I saw a tiny bit of something that looked like snow, and it lasted for less than five minutes. I like the snow because I am allowed to work from home, where I actually have a window and can look outside. Being under artificial lights kind of makes me feel like I am in a cave and I have to crawl out to see the sun. I wonder what kind of damage it is doing to my eyes... if any.
I don't remember whether I wrote about it yesterday, but yesterday was the liberation of Auschwitz. It was a popular series of stories on the news, probably because everyone likes to hear about the horrors of the world that have thankfully come to pass. Then I have to remind myself that they are not passed at all; there are still horrors going on all over the globe, but hopefully they will never be on as wide a scale as what happened during the Holocaust. I hope humanity has learned from this tragic lesson, but we're still subject to human nature.
Taylor Swift bestows presents on her fans and even stalks them on social media. That's so odd, because if I did the same thing, I'd be considered creepy and a stalker. I have several people I admire in an anonymous way, but if I were to obtain their address and send them surprises in the mail (like motivational messages and stuff they like, not severed heads or anything), then I'd be a grade A, world-class creep. I guess I'd have to be a celebrity (or as popular as Taylor) before I make any random acts of kindness like that.
Last night, I dreamed about one of my characters, weirdly enough. I guess I was thinking about her quite a bit the day before. I rarely dream about characters, probably because they aren't real and I have no concrete memories of them. But lately, I have been filled with the longing to do nothing but sit in front of the computer and type, even though my eyes are getting very tired from doing that all day at work. Oh, well. I have to figure something out, so I can finish all my writing and satisfy these characters in my head.
January always feels as if it is terribly long and lasts forever. I guess it's because that's when the New Year resolutions come into play and you change your life for a little while (or maybe even all of January, if you're lucky). So it seems that because you've broken out of your routine, things are going by more slowly. But once you get used to it, the year goes by as fast as ever, leaving you blindsided and wondering what the heck happened and where it all went. I just want some of the snow that the Northerners got!
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