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Writing on 11/2: I hate feeling obligated. Or feeling as though I have to please someone. I don't always please the people in my head (AKA my characters) because I'm always pissing them off, but I can't live my life trying to please other people. I understand compromise and I understand staying together and I understanding doing right by a person, but when it compromises your values, you can't compromise and be OK with yourself. You have to live with yourself. You're stuck in your own head and that's all there is to it. Gotta be a mature adult.
I wonder if I can catch up on my NaNoWriMo story. I got about 1,667 words to write today and I'm thinking of just pounding it out on the keyboard instead of in the notebook. It's going to be the craziest thing I ever did, but I hope I get somewhere with it. (Actually, this isn't the craziest thing I ever did.) Why do you love me when I'm always right and I'm going to give you the biggest kick in the pants you'll ever get. (And you'll never forget it either.) (Typing in parentheses is somehow fun... IDK.)
Gotta get through this so I can write for NaNoWriMo. Going to write for about an hour, then I figure I can do something else. Hopefully I can write for a while without being distracted. I will get my story written by hook or by crook, and if I write really fast I can get 1,667 words done in about an hour. Just have to calculate my words per minute. If I can do 90 words per minute and keep that up, I just might make it. So far so good, all hands on deck and I'm doing my best.
Writing on 11/6: Forgot that I didn't write on Friday. I have way too many words to catch up on and I don't think I'm going to be successful in getting to 5,001 words for NaNoWriMo by today. Wish I could turn the clocks back, but I already did that and I spent the hour sleeping, so I can't exactly return to the state of "I have time" bliss that I had been in. I'm writing an antifeminist rant on WordPress. Some people have called me an antifeminist before and I always said, but I will say it in the next words...
Writing on 11/6: ...that if I meet a man who's worth a damn, I will never get off his you-know-what because he treats me right. Honestly, I wouldn't mind the housewife life of constant laundry and a dishwasher that needs to be unloaded. Babies crying and diapers needing to be changed. There is something special about that. About knowing that you are raising the next generation.
In other news, Trump was almost killed or was rushed off the stage in Nevada or something like that. Lord knows I want him to win. He is the best choice.
Well, I shouldn't say Trump is the best choice. He's really just the lesser of two evils. I do want him to win, yes, because under Hillary, we'd just have the same thing we had with Barack Obama but to a greater extreme. I saw a funny bumper sticker that said "Trumpzilla vs. the Hildabeest." I like the word "wildebeest" because the word "beast" is spelled "beest" and that just looks like a typo. Hashtag little English major things. Little spelling things that look like typos but aren't. Wildebeast sounds too much like "wild beast," which is what a wildebeest is.
11/16: Here's something that could potentially be an idea for the main blog: the Evolutions Pokemon card set. They always reprint cards to bring back nostalgia for the millennial generation. I know they're doing it because 2016 is Pokemon's 20th year, but it seems like a waste of time to reprint all the old artwork. Lazy on the part of the company or the illustrators. At the same time, I enjoy seeing those artworks again because I'm a millennial and I have this nostalgia. And as long as there are people to pay for it, it will keep existing.
11/16: This is bullshit. One "adulting fail" and I feel like I'm not good enough. Cognitive distortions, I know. I have to take my car to get a new tire put on it. I feel bad because I did not check the pressure in my tires and they were all embarrassingly low. It is my fault because I had too many other things in my mind and was doing too much and letting my brain get wrapped around itself in doing unnecessary things. Stuck in the house now so I can get stuff done. Gotta get oil changed too.
11/16: School bus rumbles down the road and I have like nine entries to make up. Pretty soon it will be 10 years worth of entries and they are all meaningless, although they could provide some brief entertainment for whoever comes onto my page by chance. I feel really bad... like I can't handle anything. I know I can, though. I just don't give myself a chance to try. I'm too arrogant. How can I handle someone else when I can't even handle myself? I hate that running urge that I get from time to time. Why run? Useless.
11/16: There is an article on CNN about people making noise during sex. Honestly... who cares? I hate how people are judged on how good they are in bed when there is so much more to a person than physical attractiveness and sexual prowess. We are not animals. It is so much easier to find someone who is willing to do the thing wrong than it is to find someone who's doing it right. Right and wrong are subjective, you say. Epic failure of logic. I never know whether I'm right or wrong, so I fumble along however I can.
11/16: My brother and his girlfriend moved in together. I get irrationally jealous of this because... well, I don't know. It is so easy for some people because they're not like me. They don't overthink every single thing. I would be thinking constantly about moving in with someone--whether they were the right person to do this with and whether they could take care of stuff around the house/apartment. Constantly worried, but in the end, my worries would not influence my decision making process, so they were essentially a complete waste of time. I don't understand myself sometimes.
11/16: Ah, I just don't feel good mentally. Everyone is on some kind of drug for anxiety/depression. Literally everyone I know except my mother and me. It makes me think that I might need one, too, but my functioning in society is not impaired to any great degree. Because someone else does something, I feel a great amount of pressure to do it too, but I have to do what's right for me and not what's right for someone else. I dislike falling into pits of confusion and craziness, but that is exactly what's going on today.
11/16: On Monday, I believe I saw my ex going down the road. This could have been wishful thinking because I see cars that look like his all the time, and I do a double take each time I see them. I don't know if it's my own mind projecting qualities of my ex onto the person I see driving the car or if I'm just nuts or if it's really him. It wouldn't matter anyway. I just feel vulnerable right now and hate thinking about people I have wronged in whatever way. Breakups suck, but they are necessary.
11/16: The man's a snitch and unreliable... stuff that happened in a song by Britney Spears. About how she fell in love with a criminal. We all fall in love with sinners because we are all sinners to some degree. My stomach hurts and my brain is on overdrive. I'm feeling like I can't do a darn thing right and I don't know what to think about that. Making split second decisions is not something I do well, yet I ought to just go with my gut because my intuition is never or rarely wrong. Yet I will listen to my brain.
11/16: Glad I'm not traveling on Thanksgiving. They are saying it's going to be worse. Why do I constantly try to one-up people even if I don't intend to? I don't mean to be a smartass. I'm just immature and there is nothing that can be said for me. I wish I could grow up already and put something into another person. Put some of my baggage down, even though I know I don't have much compared to some people. I feel like I let people put a lot on me, but I am not allowed to put anything on them.
The proposal. The ring that hung between the old woman's breasts and got lost there. The sign that I am meant to be with this person. The difficulties of life that I can barely handle myself, let alone with a normal person, let alone with you. But what is a normal person? There is no such thing, and everyone's life path is different. I can't help feeling lame and useless and totally out of control. I try to control what I can't, and I don't bother controlling what I can. This is the great paradox of life because I think everyone does it.
Today is the four month, and I hate being so shy. I hate being myself sometimes and I wish I was someone else. I wish I could open up more easily to people. But people tend to be very impatient with me and I want them to wait. I'll wait forever for people, and I guess I can't expect them to be that patient with me. It just feels unfair, and sometimes I get all emo and wonder what it would be like if I was completely and totally alone all the time. We introverts can have a lonely lot in life.
Don't you dare run. Stay with me and I will help you get through things as much as possible. I will be patient. I vow to stand beside you, even when the going gets tough. You are the greatest friend of my heart (aside from God), and you mean the entire world to me. You are so precious in my sight. I long to love you selflessly, as God loves you, even if you do not give the same love to me or are unable to.
But if you do run, I will respect your decision to run, and I won't hold you back.
Here we go again. Scary medical records. Planning for a wedding that will never occur because it is too unrealistic and you have too many things to get through before you could even realistically conceive of getting married.
I don't understand why I do this to myself. Karma? Divine punishment? Bad psychology? Deplorable standards? It could be a combination of all of these things. I am attracted to anger because it sets me on fire. I am attracted to lust and mental illness and problems that I believe I can fix because it allows me to put off my own problems.
Cindy. Cynthia. I won't say your last name here because then you could Google yourself and find this. What were you like? Did you like the constant drama of the on-again, off-again relationship? Did you go to college? Were you educating yourself? Were you getting better? Were you smart, or did you just want to boil your head in some kind of party and sleep with a guy whose name you wouldn't remember upon waking in the morning? You were a good girl at heart, but the hormones hit you hard. Someone looked out for you, though.
I think I dreamed you into life... I looked at your mother and I thought, why don't you look at me. Your son is hot. I could be better to him than whatever girl he's with, but I think he is probably too young. Lo and behold, I end up with the woman's son and we are riding in her car and she is planning our wedding and this is all so fated that my seventh grade self couldn't have daydreamed anything better even if she'd tried her fool heart out. She is the best kind of girl, my seventh grade self.
I'm going to go ahead and make my New Year Resolutions. These might be tough, but I figure I might as well go ahead and get them over with since I'm going to have to do it at some point in my life anyway. I feel as though I have stored up enough in my savings account to actually do something. I don't want to be like a squirrel who saves a bunch of nuts but can't remember what he did with them or where he buried them. I'm not going to be like that silly squirrel, no way.
When is it OK to judge others? Some may say never. I say that it's OK to judge others when they could potentially affect your spiritual growth in a negative way. Judge others' intentions, but not the person himself. Or is that a cop-out? I don't think God tells us to judge others, even when we are in a position of authority. Judge not, lest ye be judged. Is a judge in a courtroom able to judge a person?Not really. I feel like they are usually just looking at the situation and judging against the law, not judging the people involved.
Much to be thankful for. Probably the love of God and his kindness, most of all. I didn't go to confession yesterday. There was too much to catch up on. I want to know how I can value my own soul more. I tend to devalue it in a world that does not care. I pretend so much to be on a straight and steady track, and I know I can stay that way, but I have to remain focused on the end goal, and the goal to end all end goals is heaven. No more, no less, won't settle.
I want to quickly write my 100 words before leaving to see boyfriend. It has been a ludicrously long time since I have actually sat down to write and had time to do it. It's not eating away at me yet, because I don't need to write fiction to quell the urge to write.
Had a dream I was at college and had a list of tasks, like going to get an ID card and picking up my books at the bookstore, then going to class. Not sure why I was going to do all that then, but I did it.
My grandmother died yesterday. I was upset today and I guess it's a mix of things: PMS, her death, stress over the holidays because I don't know what I'm going to buy for people, and just general craziness. I don't feel like being around anyone today. I just want to go to confession and then to Mass when I will actually be able to receive communion. It's terrible feeling guilty, but you have to remember that what you do offends God and you're not feeling guilt for no reason. We all have a need to please and love God almighty.
My brother came over for a little while. He lives with his girlfriend now, and it makes me feel odd. Like I'm a little kid living with my parents and he's all out on his own. I really do think I'm going to look into apartments and see what I need to be doing in order to move out. I still think it would be a doofy thing to do when I have everything I need at home, but it has to do with what makes me happy. I'm happy with so little. All I need are books and writing.
This is a great and powerful silliness. All day long staring at screens, and all day long, I say it's great and powerful. There is no such thing as a manic phase when I am depressed. My hormones have taken a turn and I have nothing else to think about other than work and perhaps try to write a line or two.
People are trying to psychoanalyze Donald Trump's 10-year-old son on Tumblr. I guess they have nothing better to do with themselves. I'm so freaking glad Hildebeest did not win the election. I would have been crying.
Writing on 12/1: I had a spectacular NaNoWriMo fail in which I haven't written a word in a month. I did get some ideas for an awesome story, which will probably never get written. I may have mentioned it on here before, but I feel like Taylor Swift, writing about guys after I've broken up with them. Maybe breaking up with them so I can get inspiration because there is nothing like a breakup to get you all fired up and ready to go. Hey ho, let's go to quote the Ramones. I need to listen to Blitzkrieg Bop.
Writing on 12/1: Finally turned the calendar to December, and what a crazy-ass year 2016 has been. Images for my new story idea: (1) guy and girl lying beside each other in bed. Camera captures the guy's tired hazel eye that's more blue than brown. Girl (off camera): "Do you like this?" Guy: "No." Flat no. Flat affect. This movie/story idea I had could be a found footage type of deal where the girl is going through all her boyfriend's stuff while he is gone for a weekend and she finds something very disturbing. It'd be a great horror movie.
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