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Worry never got anyone anywhere. I have to let go of worries. I don't know if I have forgiven the people I think I have forgiven. I'm mad at Facebook, not at them. I'm mad at the attention-seeking behavior, not at them per se. I'm mad that they didn't bother to see my side, and I'm automatically the bad guy. People just don't bother. I guess that's OK because I'm equally guilty of not bothering. But I always listened to you. I was always there for you to rant to. I was. And you didn't care. So I haven't forgiven.
We are getting taken out to lunch today at work. That rarely happens. We basically sit at our desks, your typical white-collar office job. It can get boring, but the monotony is conducive to thinking, without which I wouldn't be able to function. I just hope it's a nice restaurant and they don't try to rush me through my meal in their haste to get back to the office. Maybe I can make the time up later in the month? Who knows. It's free lunch, who cares? I shouldn't be questioning it. Rule of life: don't question free stuff.
I was assertive last night. It was a long time coming. It was extremely painful. I don't know why I felt like crap afterward, simply for stating my will. I wasn't rude about it. The worst thing was that I wanted to apologize for saying what I wanted. I wanted to apologize because I don't like him calling me at work. I mean... it's OK to call if there's an emergency, of course. I get that. But just for general chatting stuff? Text me. There's no reason to call. Phone calls break my concentration. Yet I felt like I needed to apologize.
For some reason, Chrome is not working. I click the icon and nothing happens. So I'm cheating on Chrome with Firefox. I tried using Internet Explorer, but that didn't work either. (What a surprise! When did IE ever work?)
I think the key to a relationship with someone with ADHD is DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY. Actually, that would be good advice just in general, but there are times to take things personally. If you take everything personally, it's probably not personal. Then you're just driving yourself insane.
I may look like I have a handle on things, but I sadly don't.
How can I love you more? How can I love you better? The answer is to love Jesus better, to love others better. Then I have to step outside of myself and be a less selfish, more giving person. Why is that hard? I can't sit isolated, yet I can't always be out in the world. If you give too much, then you will run yourself down and you won't be able to help anyone at all. I guess, as in all things, it's about finding the balance and doing the best you can. I don't know what else to say.
5/7: How much compromise is too much? How much stubbornness is too much? That is what I am trying to ask myself. If it compromises my mental or physical health, then it's too much. If it's getting outside of my comfort zone, then it's fine and it's probably even necessary, even though I'll initially whine about having to do it. To be married, I must love my husband as myself. That means treating him as I would want to be treated. It seems so elementary school, but once the understanding is deepened, it becomes more complicated than that.
I spoiled myself. I don't need to get into a relationship to be spoiled. I said this last entry, but last night, I was thinking of what it means to sacrifice, even to the point of pain. I would think that by its nature, a sacrifice would entail pain. This is very strange to me. I realize that in my comfortable American life, I have never had to truly sacrifice. I voluntarily give things up, but has that helped me? I'm not sure. I need to persevere and follow through and fight and not let ridiculousness get me down. Be strong.
Trying to do seventy things at once because I can't concentrate worth a darn. I would like to write, but my normal writing time is in the mornings when my brain works best. I would also like to go to bed really super early, but I hesitate to do that. It's stupid to go to bed at 7 p.m. I can't figure out what else I would like to do, and I'm mad at myself for wasting time. I want to straighten out my room and make a list of stuff to take when I move out, so I will do that.
5/10: Don't let yourself be treated that way... yeah. I know. There is only several times I can tell someone something before I get sick of telling them. You tell me something once, I tend to remember it. Most people are not like that. You have to tell them something multiple times and you have to tell them until it builds a habit, until it penetrates. Nothing bad about that, really, but it is burdensome on those who remember. It is not rude and nagging to remind someone. It is not nagging to remind someone. It is not nagging.
I have Live stuck in my head. Had a strange dream last night. I hate the term "autist." It seems so rude and condescending, and I believe it came from 4chan, which shouldn't surprise me. Rude and condescending crap comes from there all the time. There is very little that can be done about it. Some people like to go on 4chan to try and evangelize. I think it's a waste of time, and you're just inviting drama. However, you just might manage to convince the other person. Or at least plant that seed in their mind. So it might be OK.
Chrome is dead and won't open, forcing me to use an outdated Firefox browser. Firefox used to be my browser of choice, but it rapidly grew out of style with me. I don't care about it anymore. IE... forget about it. Edge is only slightly better. The only thing about Chrome is that it's supposedly very memory hungry, but I don't have anything else to say on that.
On the wedding front... meeting with bridesmaids hopefully on Saturday. My good recruits. It has been a long time since I've had female friends. It makes me miss my old friends, but...
I can't post what I just wrote. It's inappropriate, not because it's sexually charged or anything like that, but there are some things you just don't share on the Internet. They are better spoken face to face. I think the Internet has contributed to the rise of ADHD and Asperger's in today's youth. No joke. They did say that the Internet rewired our brains and caused us to be more impulsive and "spastic" (I hate that word). So why take medications when we could just turn off the Internet? It is all becoming far too much to handle right now.
I hate credit scores. I just hope I have one decent enough to get an apartment when it comes time. I used to have a really good credit score. I don't understand it. My father has outstanding debt and that is somehow affecting my account. There is nothing the credit company can do about it. My dad said he cancelled the account, but I don't think he did. Can you cancel an account with an unpaid balance? I have no idea. I wish I could pay it off for him, but neither a borrower nor a lender be says Shakespeare.
5/16: Chrome still isn't working. Nobody can figure it out, so maybe it's something that Google needs to fix. The sad thing is, I'm being forced to use Firefox, which I used to use all the time. I loved Firefox. I forget who turned me on to Chrome and got me started on using it. My father hates it. He says it's "memory hungry," but I don't use my computer for anything more extensive than Internet and basic word processing, so that's no big deal. I don't push my machine to its mechanical limits. Although I do wish Chrome worked...
5/16: The month is already more than half over. This is incredible. Things are going by so fast. There are only 130 days or so left in my singlehood. I wonder how it's going to be when I get married. I predict utter chaos for the first couple of months at least, as we settle in and get used to each other. Nothing will ever be the same again, and we're not going to get to do all the things we used to as single people. Is that what is meant by sacrifice? I can't be certain. It's hard.
Yesterday was my blogiversary and I barely remembered to wish my blog a happy birthday. Seven years since its inception when I graduated college. Man, I feel old. I have a BA, but so does everyone else. I pinned so much of my self-worth on my accomplishments and how I behave. God loves me anyway, and that's something I have to keep telling myself all the time. He loves me anyway. He loves all his children and he blesses us even when we royally screw up. That's how much he cares. That's how little we are in control. That's reassurance.
Ten months since we met and my life changed completely. I literally cannot see myself and my life without him in it somehow. Well, I can. But the life without him would be far inferior to the life with him. He is my sunshine and one of my favorite people in the world. He brings me out of myself so I can be my own sunshine and bring light to others. Anyone who knows me says that I seem different in a positive way. It's because of him and it's because of God, who illuminates him. He lights my life.
My head is spinning. Isn't centrifugal force what causes something to "spin down"? I wish I didn't live in such a sex-infiltrated culture. I wish that I had ignored all that stuff and that it hadn't been so prevalent. I wish I had the wherewithal to resist temptation. When you're a little kid, your impulse control isn't that great yet. What is this desire to please all the time? Where did it come from? It's not doing me any good, and I need to learn to stand my ground. When pushed, I will, but on all other things, I won't.
My parents don't want me to move out of the house because they feel as though they might kill each other in my absence. Supposedly I make them laugh. It seems as though I give them grief; they constantly worry about me and whatnot, which is a pain in the ass. I feel like I can never go out anywhere because God forbid my parents might get worried. They need to let me go at some point. Kick the birdie out of the nest. Cut the apron strings. All that mess. It's terribly frustrating. I guess I need to put myself in their shoes.
5/21: Time is getting away from me! I never know whether Trump is legit or not. The media makes you think he is horrible, but I get the sense that he's not all that bad. Work makes me think he is horrible because probably 80 percent of the people I work with voted for Hillary. I really would like to get a breakdown of who voted for who, but that would probably be against the diversity code or some corporate garbage. I love my job, but its politics get on my nerves all the time. Oh, well. I'll get used to it.
Speaking of the news... reporters are people too. A friend of mine was interviewed by a reporter and after the interview, the reporter shared a personal story with my friend and they both ended up crying. So behind her pretty face (the reporter's), there is a story no one knows. She is grappling with something nobody would ever have imagined. And she presents a perfect image on TV. You would never guess. Never judge people, and be kind to everyone you meet, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle about which you know nothing. Be kind. Don't judge them.
His theme song is "Away from the Sun" and it inspired me with the most incredible story idea that I will most likely never get to write down ever in my life. Well, except here. Two young men lose their memory at the same time and they end up switching bodies and lives. The entire story, they are trying to get back into their original bodies, but they realize that the one thing in common with their lives is one girl -- the one guy's ex and the other guy's current fiancee. It's a rough idea, but it's something at least.
I remember today in 2002. We were on an eighth grade class trip to Williamsburg, Virginia, and I had my little radio with me. It was from 1987 and about the size of an mp3 player. I was listening to a station (I think 101.5, but it doesn't matter) and the most beautiful song came on. Something about living to find emotion, streetlights, people, and a midnight train... I had never heard the song before in my life. I later learned that it was Journey's "Don't Stop Believin," and every time I hear it, I think of Williamsburg, Virginia.
Celebrities annoy me. They have a great deal of power to influence people, especially the young, and they don't use it in the proper way. Instead, they goad people into this hedonistic lifestyle that most of America subscribes to nowadays.
I read a stupid article in the wake of the terrorist attack about the youth culture and how important it is and to let girls be girls so they can grow into "dangerous women" and take down the patriarchy. Come on. Get a life, get a grip. Men are not the enemy. You're fixated on creating enemies wherever you turn.
I'm reading Annie Dillard's The Writing Life, which is supposedly a classic, and I find myself jealous of her time. She seems like she has more time than me to write, which is a lie. I still struggle with time management. So many people sacrifice sleep, and that is the key to their productivity. I can't do that. My eyes would shut of their own accord, my head would go down on my desk, and I would never be able to get a single word written. So I sacrifice food and I am always hungry. Starving writer, meet starving artist.
5/27: I hate listening to music sometimes because a song invariably gets stuck in my head and there is nothing that can be done about it except either listen to that song and relive the agony or get a new song stuck in my head, thus repeating the sorry cycle. First world problems, I guess. It's kind of weird that China is still considered a developing country. I wonder what the criteria are for a developing versus a developed country. Probably has something to do with how independent the people are, or the degree of poverty... something like that.
What songs do we want for our reception? I wish I could create a totally custom playlist, but with a DJ, you can't do that. If I had more time to think, I would. I dislike the fact that it takes me forever to come up with a plan for anything, but a well-thought-out plan is better than a spur-of-the-moment plan when there is a lot of room for error. Sometimes the spur-of-the-moment approach works well in certain situations, but it just isn't my style. I can't think on my feet to save my life.
So much dust, so little time. So many books to read, so little time. So many blog posts to write, so little time. So many cats, so little time. The list goes on and on. How does anyone decide what to make time for in these busy days? How does one integrate one's life into another person's? How does one decide? My friend is having a party, and here I am sitting at home and getting things straightened out. I guess my introversion won me over. It's just too much. Sometimes I let it win just so my mind can have a break.
5/30: Only two days left in May if you count today. Then the summer will officially begin next month (its unofficial beginning was Memorial Day). I don't know if I'm ready for the fleas and the mosquitoes and the ticks and the other parasites that run rampant in the summer, but I am ready for the heat and not having to walk around wearing a jacket or sweater all the time or carry some bulky thing around with you. Next year I am getting a smaller planner so I can offload. My purse is far too heavy for me.
My friend annoyed the hell out of me the other day. It's a long story, but we are going to stop being friends when I get married because he couldn't handle me being with a guy. My friend has had a crush on me forever and I have constantly told him that I don't like him in that way. If I did, we'd most likely be married now. It's frustrating because all our conversations lately consist of him whining about what we could have done in our time together... I never liked you. I told you that three million times.
I want you. I need you. I love you. Let me connect with you. I don't think one can adequately connect with another through oral sex. It's not an even playing field (if that's a pun, pardon it). One person is submissive to the other person. One person gets the majority of the pleasure and the other person doesn't. Oral sex is nice, yeah, but it rubs me the wrong way (for sure, no pun intended). The pleasure of it is that the other person is getting pleasure, but when it comes time for your turn, they can't give it.
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