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12/2: You know, there are a lot of things I'm good at, but making presentations in front of people is not one of them at all. I could be presenting on the topic I know most about and still appear to know nothing because I get so nervous that I forget everything, including the fact that I have a brain. But that's not for me to rant about. That's a whole 'nother rant. People still wanted to connect with me on LinkedIn about the presentation, but I couldn't understand why. I didn't think it was really all that good.
I have a blog idea! Well, it wasn't that I didn't have ideas. I just didn't have any time to write them down. No time, well isn't that an excuse? No, not really. Sometimes it is legit. And if this month's cycle doesn't close, then I really won't have time. That will be OK because that is my vocation. It will just have appeared much earlier than expected. Maybe writing is only my secondary vocation. Being a mother and wife is my primary. We all have a primary vocation, and that is our responsibility toward God. The only thing that matters.
The waiting is the hardest part. I read in my nonfiction book something about the phrase "It is well" and it burned through my head. I got that saying in my head again last week, and it occasionally goes through my head, I think because God is trying to comfort me in my affliction, whether this be perceived affliction or actual affliction. What is this affliction? Just being human. Dealing with stuff in the world that distracts me from stuff of heaven. I think about heaven and God all the time, and I try not to be discouraged, but it's difficult.
The Polar Express is a big deal to some younger people. I think I had just graduated from kids' books to adult books when that one came out, so I don't remember reading it. I think I saw the movie at one point and don't remember being that thrilled about it. It wasn't all that great.
Negaholism is being addicted to being negative. I know several people like that, and I hate to say that I love to complain right there with the rest of them.
Why am I getting heartburn all of a sudden? I just don't understand it.
I didn't want to eat out tonight because I'm trying to stay in my rather strict budget, but when you're going out with friends, you oblige them. I'm struggling not to explode in anger. I don't know why I'm angry. I guess I'm pissed at husband, but he's just doing his job. I hope he manages to do the right thing. Maybe he never will fill out that other application, but it doesn't matter as long as we are happy and we can afford the basic essentials of life. I'm just not happy with how much I'm paying in rent.
12/7: Didn't write my 100 words yesterday because I was at a church meeting. I was the youngest person there, and I felt odd, like this was a 1950s housewife type of activity. I keep wondering if I would be satisfied just staying at home all day and taking care of kids and a husband and a house and possibly pets. I think I would be. In whatever spare time I had, I could write. I could perfect my cooking skills. I could read books. I could watch the soap operas, but they're not even on that much anymore.
Back to the 1950s housewife scenario. I keep imagining what it might be like if I had that privilege. Maybe I would homeschool my kids, but I think that kids need to be exposed to public school, just so they see how not to act. Public school has a great deal of influence over kids' behavior, but I firmly believe that parents have the most influence. How you raise your kids will be reflected in how the kids grow up, even though it may not be obvious right away. They rely on what you have taught them, even if they don't consciously realize it.
12/9: Wasting time on the Internet. What a trap those nerds developed. I got a nice raise at work yesterday. I don't know why. Maybe I need to go to conferences more often, even though I suck at presenting. It's a skill I have to grow, but the thing is, I'd have to do it every single day to get good at it. It's not something that stays with me. I didn't believe the old adage "You can be good at anything you set your mind to." No, you can't. If people were good at everything, they'd be perfect.
There was some country song about a "family tradition," and I never cared much for country. Some of it is OK. It can be funny. But most of it is weepy and melodramatic, and I honestly could care less. I have been spending too much time on the Internet because of work, so on weekends, the last thing I want to do is stare at a screen, but there are still things that have to get done on screens, like blog posts and keeping up with people on email. I would hate to be an older person, ensnared by the Internet.
I guess I'm not pregnant. I got those cramps that I usually get right before I get my period, but my temperature hasn't dropped yet. It will probably do that tomorrow, and the cycle will begin all over again. In a way, this is a good thing. God doesn't believe we're ready for a baby, and I trust his judgment. Maybe my body isn't ready. I'm still way too skinny and I let myself get too hungry before my next meal. It's a bad habit. My blood sugar gets too low. I'm just hoping that we're not infertile. But there's always adoption.
12/12: Well... I am a little tiny bit pregnant. I wanted to wait until three months to tell everyone, but husband was all kinds of excited and jumped the gun as usual. So I have to keep my nose clean and my stomach full... and I have to keep drinking water. I have never eaten the most nutritionally balanced foods, so I really don't know how to do this. I hope I can give the kid a good little home for 9 months. This is a kid who is half of me, and who lives with me. I love him or her.
Happy Feast Day of Our Lady of Guadalupe and I need to sleep. I still have a headache, but I can't tell whether it's from pregnancy or caffeine withdrawal. I never thought I could get pregnant. I weigh 96 pounds, for God's sake. Everyone tells me I need to eat more. I need to stop listening to what everyone says because they all suck. I just need to listen to God. Nothing else to say right now except I'm ready to go to bed. I knew that we conceived this child on November 26, and he or she will be born in August.
12/16: I was pregnant, but I lost her. I imagine the child as a "her" and she was unmistakably a child. A child is given a soul from the point of conception, and that soul is unique and irreplaceable. My husband and I named her. We're having a Mass said for her. She was the purest soul we have ever known, and her little tiny life meant infinitely much to us, and infinitely more to God. I have so many thoughts about her life was filled with meaning in its short days. She gives us hope and carries us through.
12/16: My future sister-in-law sent out her wedding invitations. They looked good, but my mother-in-law said they weren't as good as mine. She did hers more low key, which I could have done and wanted to do, but I ended up glad that I didn't do it that way. I loved my wedding and thought it was wonderful. I wouldn't have it any other way, and whatever went wrong was perfect. Everything that went right was perfect. We did the best we could with everything we had. And that's the theme of the whole marriage.
12/16: Rabbit Heart. I thought about that band Florence + the Machine today. I've been thinking about so many things and only got up just now. We're going to have to leave pretty soon to go and socialize. I guess it's better to get socializing out of the way early in the morning. I'm more energetic this week than I was last week. I had a headache last week and was tired and only wanted to lie down. And I remember taking a nap but being awakened by someone wanting to talk to me. Stop talking when you say nothing.
She sent me a Christmas card, and I thought finally she had forgotten about me. It's time to tell her I got married and I finally found the person I am meant to be with. I wonder if she will ask questions. I made the letter vague on purpose. I wonder if he got married or at least found someone. I hope he did. I hope he healed. I have no ill will toward him because I now understand better than I did then. I was not humble, and I treated him badly. We treated each other badly, actually.
Why would you force yourself not to be an introvert unless someone made you do it? You can't not be who you are, and if you pretend to be someone else for too long, your soul will rebel against you. I can't pretend to extrovert that much. I don't like being around other people constantly. I can't take it. I need to sit in a room with light and books and coffee and just myself and maybe a furry cat too. That's really all I want or need out of life. And my husband. I can't live without that man.
12/22: I haven't done this in almost an entire week. Just got too busy and didn't want to waste time sitting in front of the computer. Husband is making song parodies and acting crazy in front of the camera. He is talking to his friend about journaling bibles. I wish sometimes that I could be alone, and I keep asking myself whether introversion is selfishness or not. I think to a degree it is. People are masking their selfishness as introversion. Husband wants to submit his writing to a publisher. He does a good job and I love him dearly.
12/19: I don't talk about my ex. I hate when he talks about his ex, even when it's something negative. I mean, if he had that good a time with the girl, then why didn't he stay with her? His mother hated her. She wasn't good enough to get The Ring and I was. But I feel no sense of superiority over that. I just have many years of experience on her and two similar relationships. That was my crowning glory, the fact that I am used to everything he is, and she probably did not know what she was dealing with.
12/22: It's going to be a very long time before I get used to marriage. I think I'm halfway there, but it's hard to cook with him in the house. I like to talk myself through the recipes. I wish I could describe things with beauty, but the closest I come is talking about myself.
He bustles around the house, busying himself with something. A phone call, some art, a song, some kind of project. A million projects, none of them finished, all of them adding to the beauty of the world. Somehow he manages all this so beautifully.
12/22: I am the proud owner of a jumbo adult coloring book. I got it in one of those white elephant games and nobody took it away from me. In a way, I always wanted to buy a coloring book, but never actually did because it's spending money.
"How can you be so brainwashed?" I want to scream to her. She believes whatever the media tells her. She thinks she is an artist. She thinks she is a singer. She thinks she is a lesbian. She thinks she is mentally ill. She is all of these and none of these.
Holy crap, my husband's best friend gets it. "Your duty is to your wife. You honor your mother, but she is not the primary anymore." I paraphrase, but he said something like that. So true. I want to say that, but God forbid you ever say anything against a guy's mother. He won't want to hear it and will work himself up into an outrage. I just want to get up early tomorrow morning and write. I need water. I haven't drank a thing all day. My mucus is back, and it's weird. It had all shut down a month ago.
Cheesy grits and coffee is all I need in the morning on some days. I'm about to go somewhere. Get the Christmas presents' wrapping done. Hopefully find those last couple presents for my husband and my dad. Why are men so hard to shop for? My husband is pretty easy, but most men are very difficult. I could find 100 things my mother-in-law would like, but my father-in-law is a different story. He just likes gift cards to Cabela's, so that's what he's' getting. Sort of like my brother. I normally get him a Steam card.
Ah, so much weirdness. I do not know how to pray Liturgy of the Hours, and as a deacon's wife, I will eventually have to. I don't think my husband wants to go back to school, really. I can hear the fits that are going to occur. He isn't going to want to study. ADHD is a plague, people. I love my husband, but he hates paperwork, hates studying, anything where he has to sit down and concentrate for an extended period. He gets so frustrated. I feel bad. I try to be as patient as humanly possible with him.
Christmas. Our first Christmas as a married couple. It feels strange not to wake up in my parents' house and awkwardly wander around wondering when they're both going to wake up and open the presents. In years past, we didn't open presents until 2 or 3 in the afternoon because my brother worked late and slept late. That wasn't bad. We'd get up and drink coffee and have a slow day without the hectic need to go anywhere or do anything. I wonder what my husband and I's Christmases will be like... probably a mashup of both, and that is fine.
Christmas is not over if you're Catholic. There is still Epiphany on the seventh. And I have so many leftovers that I won't forget about Christmas for a while. My mother-in-law and I made lasagna, which turned out fine. Not really the authentic Italian version, but fine. It didn't cook too long in the oven, but it turned out al dente just the same. My future sister-in-law is getting ready to marry my brother. I can't see what she sees in him, but at the same time, I can. It's weird. Our neighbor came over for dinner.
I don't want to be pregnant again. I'm not ready. But who is ready? I'm not going to say a word to my husband until I am at least a month or two along, if I am indeed pregnant. Otherwise he'll tell everyone in the world before I have a chance to say anything. It doesn't matter, really. If they want to know, then they can know. I just want it to be my own little secret first because husband can't keep a secret to save his life. And then there is the question of money. Who can afford a baby?
Not too many days left in the old year. It seemed like 2017 was a mad rush. My life changed dramatically. I'm not where I was last year, but at the same time, I'm where I was in another life. I married my father, just like the saying goes. My subconscious knows this, but she has been slow on the uptake recently. I checked work email, but nothing was going on. I doubt we submit that report on time. Nobody's in the office to receive it, so who the hell cares, right? I was accused of being too blunt. Fine by me.
We prayed Liturgy of the Hours. My book only has Morning, Evening, and Night Prayer. His has all the hours, I think, but we are praying together. Still in a state of sin. I wish that we weren't. I feel ashamed going to Mass. Going to try and get to confession tomorrow if it is offered. Still technically the holidays. I'm still getting stuff done at work like it's the easiest thing in the world. He will eat things that aren't fast food. I will eat things that aren't home-cooked meals. Maybe marriage will work out. It's only been three months.
It's 7:02 in the morning. That was a big deal because husband never gets up this early. I had some kind of dream about my period. My cycle has been strange since the miscarriage. My body is all confused. I'm trying to get back to normal. This might be a very strange cycle since my hormones are all messed up.
I still dream about hotels. And the girl. I don't know why she won't get out of my head. I have to keep it simple and forget about her, but it's the hardest thing I have ever have to do.
Last day and it has been a year full of madness. I grew up a lot. Still not sure what the hell to do about this whole marriage thing except be patient and have a sense of humor and plain and simply love him and bear with him. He is the focus of my life and I love nobody else more than him. The only person who is worth waiting for. Together, we step into 2018 as man and wife, and hopefully we will spend many more years together. I want to write him a letter on the eve of the new year.
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