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BY M

12/01 Direct Link
Time to do budget for the month, before I start going out and spending money. I like all the bills to come in at the beginning of the month, so I know what I am left with for the rest of the month. An OCD thing, but necessary. It's always good when you reach the halfway point with a certain amount of money. If you're not paying attention, it will disappear faster than you can say "Ebenezer Scrooge." I was being a Scrooge yesterday because I dislike the materialistic aspect of Christmas. That's why Easter is my favorite holiday of all time.
12/02 Direct Link
I hope he is still in head-down position, although there may still be a lot of time for him to move. It feels like his butt and legs are up near my ribs and his head is slightly at an angle toward my left side. But I'm feeling the kicks/punches all on my right side, so I guess that means his limbs are on that side. So he must be somewhat in the right position. There's still time for him to scoot over a little bit and "descend" because he still feels really high up right now. So looking forward to him being born! 
12/03 Direct Link
Email is a strange way of communication, especially when it tries to fill the answers in for you. I don't need it to help me write, especially when I know what I want to say. I don't like the words appearing in grayed-out font as I type them because it throws me off and makes me second guess what I'm typing. I use Gmail primarily, and it's the only one that does that that I'm aware of. AOL doesn't and Live mail doesn't. If Outlook starts in with it, I'm going to have to disable the feature. I keep it on because it could get entertaining. 
12/04 Direct Link
The good news is that I think I'll actually have work today. Unbelievable. It's been so frigging slow lately, mostly because I'm waiting for stuff to come in. Last night was uncomfortable because my hip was hurting, then my bladder hurt, then the baby was way up in my rib cage. His little feet were. I think his head is more angled toward my back these days, but I could be wrong. Maybe with my second child, I will be better able to tell where he is and when the kicks start happening. Things are getting more clearer. The house is crowded with baby stuff.
12/05 Direct Link
The second baby shower has ended. I got a bunch of good stuff, but what I'm really amazed at is the amount of love. It's just overwhelming. People really do love babies, and how could you not? All of this is making me less and more paranoid and afraid at the same time. One of the more blunt ladies in our group was telling me a horror story, and I'm like... well, at least it's not my second child and he could just "slide out!" Hopefully I'll be in labor long enough to appreciate it for what it is. But who knows?
12/06 Direct Link
Today is already going by too fast. The busiest days go by the fastest, and the busiest tend to be the most fun. It's rather unfortunate. I suppose the "boring" or "slower" days can be fun if you make them that way. I am happy that everything will work out. The house is so crowded with baby stuff. I don't know why I say "house" when I mean "apartment." Makes me feel like I'm giving people the wrong impression. OK, now it's time to actually focus and not get distracted. Trying to make up for lost time at work. 
12/07 Direct Link
Well, let's see how I function on like 4 hours of sleep. Wish I could just go home and rest. Today's Pearl Harbor Day. I always think of that today. And it's also the day my little dog died, although that was back in 2001 and I remember it like it was yesterday. Strange how 2001 was 17 years ago. I remember it so well, but my child won't be able to remember it. Kids who are 13 today don't remember it because they weren't there, and that blows my mind. The older I get, I guess... it is scary.
12/08 Direct Link
I need to go to the store and buy everything today, which is bad because it coincides with this snowstorm we're supposedly having. Every time they predict massive amounts of snow, usually nothing happens. Sort of like with the hurricane. They predicted all this mess and it was a little drippy rain and some wind. The second hurricane, which wasn't all that hyped up in the news, took out our power for 12 hours. 

And I still hate websites that have white text on a black background. It is so hard to read. Who came up with that idea?
12/09 Direct Link
Today is a snow day, so it would be a good day to clean up the house and get ready for baby. A nesting day. It is strange to have a baby in January. You keep hoping you're not going to give birth in the middle of a snowstorm. It's still coming down just as much as it was at 4 this morning, when I first saw it. I really didn't think it would snow at all because the news media tends to overhype everything. I just hate when it all melts and makes a sludgy mess. That's no fun.
12/10 Direct Link
Still somewhat snowed in, although it looks like it might clear up today, at least get above freezing so some of it melts. It was pretty while it lasted, but I don't think it's sticking to the road. The highways are probably fine. The parking lot of the apartment complex is a mess. I can't tell if what's out there is just water or black ice. Don't want to risk it, especially when it's still dark. I'm glad they told us we could work from home. That's the best thing about this job. You can work from anywhere and still get it done.
12/11 Direct Link
12/15: I completely forgot to do my 100 words for the past few days. I don't know why either. I guess pregnancy brain finally took hold of me. Today we're going to the birth class/hospital tour. I wonder how informative it will be. I don't see the usefulness of a birth class when I'm most likely going to have a C-section anyway, but it could be useful for future births. This is not going to be my only baby and I'm terrified of the return of fertility like some woman living in the third world. What can you do?
12/12 Direct Link
12/15: Another entry to make up for lost time. My husband finally got off his Eastern Catholic kick, thank God. So that makes me happy. I don't like the idea of him doing that, especially when we're getting ready to have a baby. 

I hate how expensive it is to heat the tiny apartment. The vents are on the ceiling, so I can't close them and control which rooms get heated and which don't. I guess they don't want people breaking the vents or sticking things in them. I used to do that when I was a little kid.
12/13 Direct Link
12/15: Christmas cards. I'm only going to send the ones I got for free from promotions. So that's like 7 Christmas cards. Last year, I think I sent like 20 or 30, to everyone, regardless of whether they actually sent me a card. I eventually run out of things to say or my hand gets tired or the whole thing just feels insincere. Same with Christmas presents. I buy for whoever I need to buy for and I don't go overboard because the budget doesn't allow it, especially this year with the baby coming soon. But I did put some money in the budget.
12/14 Direct Link
12/15: Christmas cards, part 2. You know how some families send out those general Christmas cards with a photo collage of what they have done in the past year and it says something generic like "With love from the Smiths" or whatever. I like those generic greetings because you get to see the pictures, but they don't feel personal enough for me. They do save time for the families, so perhaps I'll do one in the next year, when we have the baby. People always like to see pictures of babies, so that would be nice. But still so generic.
12/15 Direct Link
Christmas cards, part 3. Electronic-only cards, like email greetings. That seems like the laziest way to go and the least caring or the most callous. Again, it is a great time saver, but it is nice for people who read email and want to conserve paper. 

Another method: The long, old-fashioned Christmas letter. Some people still do them. Write a summary of what has happened to their family in the past year. It's a nice idea, but it takes time. However, the same letter could be sent to a ton of people, maybe modifying a sentence or two for each person.
12/16 Direct Link
Well, I learned a lot in the birth class. Fortunately, the pain of labor is intermittent so you get some kind of break. You're supposed to breathe through it, but breathing exercises have never really worked for me for anything else. I can never concentrate on them. I usually end up getting distracted, but perhaps if it is my only recourse, I will get better at it. Most of the people in the class were having boys. One couple decided not to know what they were having, and another couple wasn't even at the point where they could tell the baby's sex.
12/17 Direct Link
For the first time in a long time, I say happy Monday. After a weekend of no rest and lots of activities and stress, I'm glad for it to be Monday. Mondays are somehow much less chaotic, when stuff at work is organized and ready for me to handle it. Stuff at home is all messed up. We have all this baby stuff and I still need to wash the rest of the clothes and blankets and bibs and so forth. I have all these things I honestly don't think I will need. Tempted to pass them off on the grandparents.
12/18 Direct Link
Tomorrow is the office Christmas party. I just hope that it's catered and we have food, but it's not at lunchtime, so I don't know. But at least they will have sweets and there are door prizes. Do I want another gift card? I don't know. I got one a couple days ago and am still debating on what I want to buy with it. There really isn't anything I need. I was thinking of using it on baby stuff. Maybe I could buy a sweater or an outfit. But buying clothes online is a bit of a crapshoot. Might not fit. 
12/19 Direct Link
Feel like I'm going psycho. There is so much to do today and so little time to actually do it in. I spent a ton of money on Christmas presents and I still have a little bit more to buy this Friday. Then Saturday and Sunday I wrap them, and on Christmas they'll get torn open. 

Yesterday there was a dispute over $10. We got a gift from a very kind lady, and my husband wanted the whole thing for himself. So I discretely took the bill to the supermarket and split it into two fives. Haha, take that. 
12/20 Direct Link
Because of a Bomgar session, I had the strangest dream last night that the Russians hacked all of the company computers. We put in our passwords, then the screen showed up all these Russian words and nothing worked right any more. Even the loaner computers had been hacked. So they had our passwords and were able to infiltrate our network. It was scary because everyone was thinking that they were at fault, but it turns out that the Russians had been planning this for a long time and it was nobody's fault because the Russians were too sneaky and skilled. 
12/21 Direct Link
Today is the shortest day of the year. It's also really warm, so it doesn't feel like winter solstice. I'm glad for it to be warm so I don't have to put the heat on in the house. Let's see if it stays warm when the baby's born so we don't have to use the heat. I'm really thinking of getting a space heater for the room instead rather than turning on the heat for the whole house. I hate sweating at night, and that's what's happened these past few days when it's been this warm. Better than paying for heat.
12/22 Direct Link
I had a dream I kept finding change everywhere. I was outside of some fast food restaurant and I didn't have money to buy a meal, so I was wandering around outside. I think I found about 60 cents in change, and I was hoping to get 40 more so I could get something from the dollar menu, but then I remembered tax. Not even the stuff on the dollar menu is a dollar.

I had a dream about some Rudyard Kipling poem that made me want to read poetry again, and I never was a big fan of reading poetry. 
12/23 Direct Link
I had a dream I was getting yelled at, then I yelled back at the person. Sometimes I have those dreams, but I guess lately I am less afraid of authority than I used to be. Perhaps I'm getting older and people are starting to see me as an authority, at least on some things. I'm not wrong all the time, but I'm not right all the time either. Part of being human. Back when I was a teenager, I thought I was always right, at least on the surface. Deep down, I knew I was wrong but just ignored it.
12/24 Direct Link
Writing my 100 words on the last day before Christmas. It is strange to say that. This is technically my last childless Christmas. Hopefully all the other Christmases will be filled with much joy. Children bring so much to the holidays. I just wonder what he will like and what I should get him for presents next year. He's going to grow so fast that he'll be almost a year old by next Christmas. I wonder if he will like cars and trucks and airplanes and the usual stuff that little boys like. Today should be a fun day. Relaxing.
12/25 Direct Link
Christmas. And I thought of a series of 100 words posts (an idea for them) but forgot it because it seemed inappropriate to start during Christmas. It would have been good, though.

Oh yeah. I remember now what it was. About having bad gaydar and realizing all along that my muse was not who I thought she was. How I'm completely abandoning any thoughts of my muse because she is a fake. Or I disillusioned myself and tricked myself into thinking she was something she was not.

Reading all these Stephen King books turns the light on in my brain.
12/26 Direct Link
I feel so bad. My house is not clean. That's not to say that I haven't gotten the "nesting" instinct. My entire life is the nesting instinct because I'm a neat freak. But it makes me feel like a bad mother because I haven't gotten on my hands and knees scrubbing floors. I look around and there is too much to do, and I don't want to bring the baby into a messed up house, but it looks like that's what's going to happen. I mean, I guess it's clean by someone else's standards but by my high ones, it sure isn't.
12/27 Direct Link
I have my coffee, though it is only decaf. I'm ready to go, I guess. I hate slow days at work, but the good thing about it is that I could always take PTO since this is my last working day of the year, technically. Seems weird to think that it will be 2019 by the time I see the office again. Less than a month until the baby comes. That is hard to believe in itself. Better start getting sleep now. Better get everything ready. The crib is finally ready. Now the changing table, and that won't be too hard.
12/28 Direct Link
Freaking out. Not long until the baby gets here and I still feel like nothing is done. I'm trying to take it easy. I need to stop reading sites that make it seem like stuff should have been done ages ago. I don't want any help or support other than my husband. But he involves his mother, and I don't want him to involve her without my permission. Because sometimes I just don't think she ought to be involved. Not because I don't like her. But because it's our baby, our marriage, our life. That kind of thing. I don't like stress.
12/29 Direct Link
My husband bought a hamster yesterday while I was asleep. I wake up wondering where the hell he went, then he comes back with a cage and all the supplies and a little black hamster. We named him Hambrose, but I'm not sure what will happen to him when the baby comes. We'll have to get someone to stop in and feed him and play with him. Can't bring him to the parents' houses because they all have cats and dogs and stuff that will wreck his life. For some reason, I had a hard time spelling "wreck" just then. 
12/30 Direct Link
Someone's ear got bitten off in a domestic altercation. That was something I just read about in the news. Nothing else is going on today except that there are just two days left in the year. Today and tomorrow. I don't feel like doing anything, but there is still lots to be done. Trying to hold back a lot of disappointment. 

"Maybe the baby will be the first of the new year."

Stop wishing that on me. He will be born when he is born. I hate when people rush things. You stress me out. Do something else with your life.
12/31 Direct Link
I can't complain about this year. It was a good year, but somewhat disappointing in that I realized I'm not as in control of my own life as I thought I was. I realized that I am very blessed and I have a lot of people who care about me and wish me well. I am in no way in the same state that I was in 10 or even 5 or even 3 years ago. On the whole, things have vastly improved from then. Your 30s are supposed to be your best years, and that is proving true so far.