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Agh, I got so busy I forgot to write my 100 Words for like five days straight, and I don't write on the weekends because I don't think about it. I'm reading this ancient-ass book my parents have kept around the house forever. The Dogs of March. It's actually really good, but it's poignant because it's about times gone by and everything they talk about as being expensive is so cheap in today's dollars. Like a fire truck is $40,000 and they're trying to buy this guy's house and 17 acres of land for $45,000. So inexpensive now.
Today (8/5) is an all-department meeting. They are sometimes annoying because they talk about stuff that you have no control over and they announce everyone's birthdays and workiversaries and stuff like that. But they do give you free food, so that part is nice. I think this time, it's going to be snacks and not lunch, but that's better than nothing. Maybe they will be those big cookies from the place that does catering. I'm blanking on the name for some reason. I just don't want chips. I have a bad cookie craving these days and I don't know why.
I forget what I wanted to write about. Something about the mass shootings that happened. (I'm writing on 8/5, so I'm not predicting the future.) It's these 20-something guys. I think that age group in general is messed up and it doesn't have anything to do with "kids these days." It's just a hard age for a variety of reasons. No excuse, I know, but men that age are full of piss and venom and vitriol. It was probably mental illness too. Nothing showed up in the guy's background check. Maybe they should do mandatory mental health screenings in high school.
Writing on 8/5 again. Even if they do mandatory mental health screenings, the person could lie. "Ever thought about suicide" is a open-ended question. I have thought about suicide plenty of times but never about killing myself. I know that people will take it literally, but they do need to reword for those who are literal-minded.
Anyway, beyond that, I can't think of a solution. Given the state of the world, I'm not entirely sure that we can totally erase these kinds of things from happening. Taking away guns altogether is not the answer. If they want to kill, they will find a way.
Still going with the house search. I'm getting irritated, but I think we are getting closer to what we want. Or at least we're getting ready to take whatever comes our way and deal with whatever issues it has. I am prepared to sacrifice weekends and learn how to do handyman stuff. If I was rich, I'd rent forever to get out of doing maintenance. I'm not a handy person. But it would be useful to know how to do that stuff just to know it. I like to be useful sometimes. Heck, maybe I could even train my husband.
I had a depressing dream last night. I was listening to that song "Fast Car" and woke up with it stuck in my head. That has to be the saddest song of all time. It perfectly portrays the bleakness of poverty.
Reality TV is a pox on society. Actually, all TV is, and I want to keep the TV out of our house for as long as possible. We haven't had one for a while, and my husband was using it as a second computer monitor. I will be content with my bookshelves.
But I don't want to be a pretentious twat.
Raising a child is a balancing act. How do I make sure he is not a mama's boy but also make sure he learns how to respect women? How can I teach him to be independent but also how to know when to depend on others? How can I learn to let go but not be too distant? I have that problem with all relationships. I never learned when to "cling" and when to let go. So I end up letting go all the time. Fuck it, it's not worth my time if you're going to go away. Can't have that mentality.
I don't know why I feel so despondent these days. Like nothing I'm doing is right and I always need to push myself to do better when I am exhausted. It is hard enough just getting through the day, which sounds like a complaint because what do I have to do, really? Sit at my comfy-ass desk job? I have family members who help all the time, but that's still not good enough somehow. I guess I need to shut up and stop complaining. Even so, I wish I had someone to talk to about all this. I feel like I have nowhere to turn.
I wish the popular music station wasn't so repetitive. I keep hearing Ed Sheeran/Justin Bieber, the Jonas Brothers, Halsey, and some other generic-sounding person whose name I can't remember right now. They should play some of the older hits or at least bring back Throwback Thursday, where they'd play the older stuff all day. Bring back the obscure stuff that was only a hit for one week. Stuff you never thought you'd hear again. Stuff that inspired your imagination for one day when you were in high school, stuff that wouldn't leave your head. What a good flashback.
I was listening to a podcast on YouTube about abortion, and I just don't see how people can support it. I mean, the more I thought about it when I was pregnant, the more I could see how a woman with no means to care for a child could get an abortion, how it would make sense for her. But that does not mean it is right. Yes, pregnancy is uncomfortable, but what about the child? You caused your mother discomfort when you were unborn. You were that small and vulnerable and at the mercy of those bigger than you.
The pro-choice people would say that's a bad argument. I don't like to engage them because they have their ideology and their rhetoric and it is almost impossible to get them to change their mind. They have the wrong idea of things. They are selfish and unwilling to sacrifice, but so am I to a certain extent. So are we all, and that is why we cannot judge. We are all subject to the same human failings as anyone else. We are all cut from the same human cloth. I am going to stop this rant now.
I have things to say, but I can't find the words to articulate them. Or I feel strange saying them "out loud." This week, I am trying to watch what I say before I say it, and even watch what I think, in an attempt to be more of a good Christian. Offer it up when I feel like complaining and so on. Especially with home. I always snap at my husband and I hate when I do that because he doesn't deserve to have all that anger directed at him. I guess it is the news making me angry.
I wonder if the new employee will be one of those people who gets to the office super early. So far I am the first one in the office, only because I relish the alone time. When my friend retires, I'll be the only one in the office before 7 and that will suck. But in a way, it will be good. I'm still trying to work out how I will feel when he retires. I have so many mixed feelings about it.
I had a dream about a Eucharistic miracle last night. The host was dropped and bled when it hit the ground.
I have asked about a report I'm supposed to get for editing like three times and each time, they told me they'd have it to me the next day, but I haven't seen it yet and it's been almost a month. Oh, well. Good thing I'm not staking my income on one thing. If you tell someone you will get them something, do your best to honor that promise. But anyway, I'm just ranting.
Husband is going off to school to be an EMT for like the fifth time. Let's hope the fifth time is the charm, because this is all his money.
Houses. I just want to find the right one at the right time. Perhaps we should do a month-to-month lease (i.e., extremely expensive) until we find the next one. I'm still trying to save as much money as humanly possible. It is hard when your husband eats only fast food and hardly ever eats healthy. I don't know if this is a bad habit from college or how he was raised. I find it hard to believe that it was the latter. I'm disillusioned with his family now (my in-laws), but I'll get over that. It comes and goes.
Yesterday I was depressed again. For some reason I felt unloved. I don't know why, because I know I am loved. I think it's just hormones half the time. I feel like since I got pregnant and had the baby, they have been hitting me harder. Like my bad moods are worse. Maybe with the next baby it will stabilize. Or get even worse. I can't be acting this way. I want to have a nice weekend and do something fun rather than just sit and clean the apartment like I do every weekend. I know what is bothering me.
We went to the beach on Sunday (I'm writing on 8/19) and we went to a restaurant on the beach that we went to back when my husband and I were dating. They gave my 7-month-old son crayons and a color sheet, even though he has nowhere near fine enough motor skills to manipulate a crayon. As a matter of fact, he probably would have eaten the crayon if I hadn't taken them away. But he did proceed to tear up the color sheet, laughing the entire time. I guess it is funny when you're a baby.
8/19: Then we took him to the aquarium, and he slept the entire time, but we still took a good variety of pictures of various sea life. They had a giant lobster. I wonder if it would have tasted OK. Poison dart frogs were in a glass cage. They looked like toys, like the plastic ones I had when I was a little kid. A bald eagle with a broken wing who would never fly was also on display. I found that sad, but the wing had broken in an accident, so I guess it was safer for him in the museum.
The entire trip reminded me of being young and in love and going on dates with my then future husband for the first time. But now we had a baby and things were different but they are better. Even when he got fussy and started crying in the car on the way back home. We built a life together and it is awesome. I love it so much. We need to have more "dates" like that as an entire family. No more leaving the baby at grandma's, even though it is easier without him. It's a lot less fun without him.
The only house we get may be in the middle of nowhere, but it would be better than another place we could be living. It's in one county but has the zip code of a city in the next county, which makes no sense. My commute to work would be hellish again, but I could work from home another day, I suppose. I think my manager would allow it. If not, I'd just have to suck it up and deal with it. Commutes can be soul crushing, but I could get into audiobooks again. My car doesn't have a CD player.
Now I'm reminded of why I can't read more than one romance novel at a time. I have to temper them with something less gooey. I was reading one by LaVyrle Spencer, and now I'm reading Nora Roberts. Should have read something different between them, but I just want to get the romance novels off my desk and off to some other person who would enjoy them more than me. I'm going to leave them in the lounge at the apartment complex, where there is a variety of random books, some of which are romances. A few of them are mine.
If I was a manager, I would literally outlaw meetings. I'd only do a meeting if there was a screaming emergency that absolutely needed peoples' face-to-face presence. Otherwise, bump meetings. They are a waste of time. I'm sure that's not the best, most professional approach, but that's why I'm not a manager and wouldn't want to be one. I'd be the most inaccessible manager in the history of the universe. I'd have a closed-door policy. No one mess with me. I'm the friggin' manager. You manage your stuff, I'll manage mine (and you). Nah, I wouldn't be that bad.
That song "Old Town Road" that's really popular is stuck in my head, but I haven't heard it for a couple weeks now. I basically stopped listening to the radio again and am only listening to conservative talk radio, EWTN, or classical music.
Good news, the MRI came back negative and the cyst is benign. So there is nothing to worry about for the time being. I guess it was just a migraine after all and nothing worse. It's weird that I never recognized those as migraines. I just sucked it up and dealt with them. And I will keep doing so.
I heard that there was a straight pride parade somewhere. That's just silly. All those identity parades are silly. Call them a walk for charity and have everyone be sponsored. All the money can go to the charity of your choice. Let's stop all the identity politics crap and go help someone less fortunate. We only worry about identity politics because we live in a decadent society and have nothing better to do with our time. Agh, don't get me started. My response to all this madness is just to help out where you can but not go to useless protests.
I hate this real estate market. They make you want to jump on stuff without thinking about it and spend money on a tiny house that you won't even be able to fit in in the next couple years. So you end up moving again, and all the stress that goes with that. Don't accumulate so much stuff, they say, but that's hard with children. I'm going to try and keep a ton of stuff out of my house or have frequent yard sales and trips to Goodwill. I am trying not to be materialistic and keep buying things all the time.
Will I ever become a gardener? It depends on whether the house I end up getting has a garden. Then I'll become a gardener by default, just so I don't have empty flower beds in front of my house.
If we don't get this house, then I'm going to hold off on the search until my husband finishes school. There is just too much going on. I wanted to be in a new house by the end of the year, but I don't see that happening at this rate. But you never know. The timing has to be exactly right.
My husband got the crazy idea that he should audition for American Idol, just to cross it off his bucket list. I would never do such a humiliating thing in a million years, and I know I can't sing worth a damn. I have no control over my voice. It gets all high and hysterical and I end up laughing at the sheer lunacy of it all. My husband has a decent voice, but I'm not sure it's what Simon Cowell would call "star quality." He'd take one look and say, "Don't quit your day job, sweetheart." Or something even more harsh.
I was reading an article about how this next recession is going to kill millennials. I don't see evidence of the millennial crisis, probably because I work with millennials and they all seem pretty successful to me. I bet if I had friends that were millennials outside of that, it would be different. More of them might be struggling with jobs or student loan debt or buying a house. It's hard to buy a house because they don't build them for regular people anymore. Just people who want these giant McMansions. It is greed. I feel like I don't matter.
Just hang in there. It will get better. I guess it is our human impatience that makes us want stuff to get better right now! Because we cannot stand minor inconveniences. We are so spoiled as a society and this will come back and bite us in the ass. I was dreaming about music the other day and about people at work I hardly talk to in real life. I dreamed I was in a Columbine High type of situation, probably because there were these fools blasting loud music outside the apartment last night and I thought there might be a gang war.
NaNoWriMo is coming up real soon. They are going to revamp the website. I'm getting some ideas. Both of them are revisions. One of them is brand new, but I'm unsure how to write it. I always write things that are too close to real life, but to me, the best way of writing is to "write what I know."
A month-to-month lease is stupidly expensive. I have to find a house in the month of September or at least get under contract by the end of the month. Lord have mercy, this is going to be interesting.
9/3: Coordinating a couple big projects at work. This stuff is going to leak into house-buying time or vice versa. I wanted to take time off for the inspection/closing. I don't understand why so many people have no idea where their money goes or don't care about spending or saving. This isn't the Sims. There isn't a cheat code to get you infinite money, but holy crap that would be pretty cool.
My chicken cutlet is too thick to cut with these stupid plastic knives from the break room. They literally can't cut anything, not even butter.
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