REPORT A PROBLEM
I started a new novel for NaNoWriMo. I think this is a first, because everything else I've written for NaNoWriMo has been a sequel to the first thing I've written or a mashup or something else entirely. This new novel isn't even in the same universe.
All the bills are paid. The month is ready to start. I love first days of the months. They are so bright and shiny and clean. Tacos tonight. I get sick of tacos, but my husband likes them, so we must have them. I made cod the other night. So lemony, so good.
I wrote while the baby is napping. I feel accomplished as hell. So this is how real writers do it. My story is keeping me interested so far, but I can tell that I'm going to ramble on like I usually do and it's going to be 50,000 words, but I'm not going to be finished. I wonder if I will still want to work on it after November. I am following the rough outline I did, but I think I will end up deviating from it, like I typically do. I forgot how much fun writing was.
How can a shoe be gently used? I tiptoed lightly in it, never stomping my feet, never stepping in mud puddles. I walked normally in it and sat in a cube most of the day. Therefore, the shoes didn't get much action.
Maybe that would be normal use. Or gentle use could be use only on the weekends, but if you're stomping around a basketball court, that is not gentle use.
I hope my son takes up sports. I don't want him to be a fat, unhealthy butterball of a kid. That's the last thing I need right now.
This morning it was cold outside (I had to scrape off frost), and the heat didn't work in the apartment. Thank God for the maintenance men because if that was a house, we would have some serious issues. Houses are all maintenance, and you have to save up money. With saving money for this and that and everything in between, it's a wonder anyone has anything to spend. I don't believe in spending willy nilly or even at all. I need a pair of shoes, but I am procrastinating on buying them. That's how bad it is. I'm not the type to have a closet full of shoes.
A priest told me to do what Jesus would do, to try and see people the way Jesus sees them. If I did that, I would never stop crying because I love the people so much. And they keep doing stuff that doesn't make sense and goes outside the realm of reason. Then you just want to cry even harder. So I guess Jesus looks on them with love and hopes that they turn to follow him, but how agonizing must that be, to have all the power in the world and yet give people free will to choose what they want?
I finally like my NaNoWriMo story and finally feel like I'm getting somewhere with it. I think my problem is that I'm writing at the wrong time. I'm better at writing in the morning when the caffeine is in my system and I can think more clearly. I'm no good at writing at night, but I used to be. Afternoons are awful. From about 2 until 4, my brain completely shuts down and I am waiting on my second or third wind to carry me through the rest of the day. I don't like to write at that time. Can't get anything worthwhile.
I have a song stuck in my head, and I am stuck in my bathrobe. Today has been an unexpected work from home day, which is nice because I like those. I can theoretically get more done, but I also get more easily side tracked. For instance, I am writing these words when I could be doing something productive. Not all writing is worthwhile, but I have a hard time agreeing with that. As long as you are writing something every day, it is better than nothing. Also, my keyboard is broken again. I am going to get something very durable.
My son is recovering from the flu, and I think I am coming down with something too. My throat feels funny. I hope that it's just a cold. But I had the flu shot, so if it is the flu, hopefully it won't be as bad as if I did not get the flu shot. Man, does that suck. But it's the weekend, so I won't have to worry about missing too much work. Not like I have too little PTO anyway. They want us to take it, and I guess getting sick would best the best way to use it, haha!
11/11: So I got sick, but it wasn't the flu like the baby had. It was some unknown virus and I am still recuperating from it to a degree. My chest hurts when I breathe. I had a dream last night that I was having an intelligent conversation with a person I have not talked to in a long time, with whom I used to have intelligent conversations. I wonder what became of this person. I guess I could find out, but Facebook seems so hard to find people on these days, unless you actually have a Facebook.
11/11: I am also giving up on NaNoWriMo because of this sickness, but I still need to commit to writing in some other way. Maybe just 500 words a day would do it. I hate that I never feel like I am doing enough for anybody. Like I am a bad writer, a bad mother, a bad coworker, and all this other negative crap. I guess we all do the best we can, but it is still miserable. All this self-doubt. Or I could pick my idea back up another time, but I think I will lose inspiration.
I hate being stuck in front of screens all the time. Fortunately, I only have a couple of tasks at work today that are screamingly urgent. The others are not so bad. I think I can kind of monitor email every now and then and I will be caught up.
Sometimes I really hate ADHD because it prevents my husband from doing basic household chores. Then when I get sick the chores do not get done and I get even sicker looking at a house full of filthy clothes lying everywhere and dirty dishes. It is a vicious cycle.
Bleh, I still don't really feel 100 percent. I wish I could get away from everything and sleep, but somehow, I don't think that would make me feel much better. If I get the opportunity to sleep, I think of about a million more "productive" things I could be doing. I feel like I can never stay ahead and I don't know how normal people do it. I keep getting behind in the chores and it's all my fault. I shouldn't have such a high standard, but it annoys me so much. I don't see how people keep their houses clean.
11/15: The hamster escaped his cage last night because my husband forgot to close the cage door. Poor little hammie was scared, he actually ran up to me to put him back in his cage when I discovered all this in the morning. Needless to say, my husband is getting his balls handed to him. But I wouldn't go that far. Even so, it must have been terrible for a small creature to be out on its own like that. I actually got a full night's sleep too, for the first time in forever. I guess baby is over his sleep regression.
11/15: The only reason I really like reading thrillers is because I can get through them pretty quickly. Most of the time, they have these crazy twists that totally throw me off. They are not character driven most of the time, which is irritating. I like a strong character. A lot of the characters in thrillers tend to be unreliable narrators and turn out to be evil or reprehensible in some way, so that's the reason I can never attach myself to those kinds of characters.
My blog post was about how I gave up on NaNoWriMo this year.
We are halfway through the month, so I could technically catch up but not without breaking my own ass to do so, and I don't like the idea of putting myself under all that stress. Right now I am trying not to get stressed, and that is hard to do with the holidays and having to buy presents for everyone in the universe. May end up having to go out after work to get stuff for people. All I want for Christmas is chocolate. I have no need for anything else. Chocolate is consumable and will not lie around uselessly.
11/18: I remember when November 18 used to be like this day from hell, and I would black it out in my calendar at school just for the hell of it. Nothing really that terrible happened on November 18. I just hyped it up to be a bad day in my mind because there had to be a bad day. Kind of like the anniversaries of September 11 or Pearl Harbor. I remember exactly why the day held so much scorn for me, but I would rather not repeat it here. Some thing must remain off the reach of the Internet.
11/18: Writing on November 18 again. This weekend was a good one, even though it was so cold and windy on Saturday that I was stuck in the house. I wanted to go to the store, but I just went by the drop off the recycling. I wish the apartment complex made it easier to recycle. They take small water bottles but not the gallon jugs, so I just take all my recycling to the grocery store rather than divide it up. What they should do is put labeled recycling bins by the dumpster. Then everyone could recycle happily, in peace.
I hate when I dream about food. I dreamed about bagels with cream cheese and lox. It has been a long time since I have had lox. Also I dreamed about going to a restaurant and eating there. I don't know why I dream about food. I guess because I would rather go to bed hungry than go to bed full and wake up in the middle of the night with the worst heartburn imaginable. But nothing could be worse than heartburn during pregnancy. Now that was bad because your stomach shrinks to the size of a golf ball and it's shoved into your throat.
Someone just walked by breathing really hard in the office. I hope they are OK. Maybe they just got done working out.
I am still looking at real estate even though my search is technically over. I don't have the money to make a purchase, which is ironic because I do. But I'm factoring in for the future, and I just don't have the money. But what if I have another kid? Then I will need the space. There is literally no room for another crib in my apartment. But we could always make room. People did it back in the day.
Work has been slow these days, I assume because people are taking their time off. They instituted a new policy. People used to hoard their time off until they had insane amounts, but they are not letting us do that anymore. This is no good for a workaholic like me, but there is something to be said for time off. It is refreshing, to a point, but after a while away from the office, I always feel like I am on the brink of insanity with nothing terribly productive to do. Housework is productive, but not in the same way.
Today is a Marian feast day. I was reading this disheartening article that said women should stay home and homeschool their kids to protect them from the World. Well... what if the woman has to make money to keep the household afloat because the man is on disability? I guess that is an exception, but I think those who can afford to have only one parent working are very lucky and very resourceful. I don't think I could stay at home and do homeschool even if my husband made enough money to support everyone. It does not appeal to me. So am I a bad mother?
I keep wondering what it would be like to move out of state and have nobody around that I know, no chance of running into someone I once knew from high school, a total opportunity to start over and do something different. Presumably I would be working the same job, just 100% remote. I would probably be bored as hell anyway. I have to get out of the house at some point, or my brain implodes.
My inbox is totally empty, so it looks like there is nothing to do, but there actually is. So now I have to do that.
11/25: I got a good story idea in a dream, but as they normally do, it faded away quickly when I woke up, even though I tried to hang onto it as long as I possibly could. I got a bunch of stuff done before 8 this morning. Like getting air in my tires. The attendant at the gas station swept a dime into his bucket. I said, hey is that a dime, and he wouldn't let me get it because it was dirty. Hey, man, a dime is a dime, and I can always wash my hands.
11/25: It was too early in the morning to argue, so I let ten cents go into the dumpster. Hey, when the recession hits we will be needing those random dimes. My nails are too long to type again hence my lack of commas. I got a good idea for NaNoWriMo five days before the whole thing ends, but I don't have time to actually flesh anything out. It makes me upset. I wish my husband would put the hubcap back on his car. It looks really odd without it. Like it should be sitting on blocks somewhere.
Thanksgiving is super late this year, I think because the month started on a Friday. Unfortunately, there are five Sundays in December, but December is a holiday month, so it shouldn't be that bad. Opportunities for free food abound.
I was thinking of offering all my pain to God in 2020. Like, not taking any ibuprofen whatsoever and just offering it up. I don't know what kind of offering that would be, but hopefully it would be pleasing. I don't know what would make him happy. Maybe not my pain, even if offered purely. I would not be bitter about it.
Do I just want attention? Is that my reason for doing what I do? I can't see it that way, but of course, what attention seeker sees exactly what he or she does? This modern age has turned us all into attention seekers. I wish I could spout wisdom all the time, but it's not really wisdom, just pseudo-smart stuff that probably isn't all that smart. These days, it is healthier to stay off the Internet, and I may do that in 2020. Stay offline and return to God, like I should. Pay attention to my family and less to my ego.
One day left until Thanksgiving. I hate not being ready for holidays, then they are gone before they are even here. It is so different from when I was a kid. One night this week, I woke up in the middle of the night and I had those terrifying nighttime thoughts that everything is passing away and I am getting old and the past was gone so quickly, so I am reminded to enjoy things, but the days rush on by and there is just no time. I guess that is how it is when you get older. Everything is rushed and gone.
12/2: I'm a few days behind with 100 Words, but that's OK. I'll get caught up. I was having strange thoughts due to the possibility of genetic testing. If you found out you were at risk for cancer of the breast or the ovaries or some "nonessential" organ, would you have it removed even if there was a chance that you would not get cancer? The possibility or having the gene for cancer doesn't mean you will get it 100 percent of the time, but is it worth gambling? I guess it depends on the likelihood of getting it.
12/2: I can tell I am going to be wrestling with these moral questions for quite some time. More will come up. They were talking about gene-edited babies on the news. If I could edit the genes of my own child, would I? I don't know. Like I said in the last entry, just because one is predisposed to something because of his or her genes, does not mean that it will definitely happen. Sometimes I would rather not know these things. Ignorance really is bliss. We could be enjoying life instead of worrying about whether we will get cancer.
12/2: I changed my calendars at work. Oddly, I have a religious calendar from church and a drug calendar from work. One of them has a picture of the nativity, the other a picture of phencyclidine. The cynics that say that religion is the opiate of the people would have a good laugh over that one. Both are drugs, I guess. The phencyclidine picture is actually quite pretty. It's blue and green, which look to me like New Year colors. Winter is starting on a Saturday, but I feel like that happens every year. Christmas is right smack in the middle of the week.
The Tip Jar