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12/2: I'm going to have to stay a bit late at work today for a meeting that drooled over time. I try to block out my time so I can leave on time, but people are always trying to schedule meetings where everyone is invited. Otherwise, it would not be fair. I spent a whole four days without being in front of the computer and my eyes feel better. I remember days spent in front of the computer without getting up. I had gained a little more weight, but running after my son is making me even skinnier.
Back to the correct day and finally caught up. I think this is the first time I have not had any Thanksgiving leftovers. Weird. I think the family we stayed with was going to give us leftovers, but they forgot. I guess that's good. That's what I dislike about Thanksgiving anyway. All the leftovers that very few people actually eat. If I do Thanksgiving, I'm going to have a minimal amount of food and try to share it as much as possible. Or cut down on desserts because no one has room for dessert after eating all that food.
I had a dream about ants last night. We threw these little biscuits (of some sort) into the place where they were to exterminate them and it worked instantly. Maybe it means I am looking for an instantaneous fix for all the things that are bugging me.
The in-laws were annoying last night. I wish I could avoid seeing them, but it's not fair because my husband puts up with my parents. I don't see my own parents as annoying, but I'm sure he does. I guess that's just how it is in a marriage. You marry the person's family too.
For the first time in I-can't-remember-when, I bought the same brand of planner twice. Usually I like to switch it up, but I like this planner so much (and I got lazy), so I bought the same one. They are so pretty with their floral covers. They have an interior pocket, which is nice, and some stickers, which are not nice because I don't use them, but it's a good bonus.
There is a yellow highlighter on the floor in one of the smaller meeting rooms. I am waiting to see how long it takes for someone to get it.
It is nine at night and for some reason, I'm not tired. I guess eating must have given me a third wind. I am going to give up fast food in the new year, though. I guess I should be more precise. I'm going to give up eating at restaurants in the new year, unless it is unavoidable, like when I literally don't have time to cook. I also want to try to cook new things. I like trying a new dish. I think about it all day long and get all excited and nervous. It's so dorky, but I don't care.
12/9: I remembered why I don't like females. All the backstabbing and nice to your face crap. So if I am around a group of females, I need to remember to keep my mouth shut and only speak when spoken to, and then, speak only few words. If you say too much, it can and will be used against you in a court of gossip. But I suppose keeping your mouth shut is a good rule to follow in general. You gain a lot more from listening rather than talking. It sucks to be closed off emotionally, but it is better than being stabbed.
12/9: I have meetings almost every day this week except Wednesday. Meetings are good because they kill time, but meetings are also bad because they kill time. The more I think about it, time is a precious commodity and it is slipping through my fingers. I've said it before, but once you have a child, you lose sense of time to a degree, and it rushes on past like a whirlwind, and before you know it, you are old and having grandchildren and your children don't need you anymore.
On the bright side, I have a lot of candy to eat today!
12/9: Christmas is a lot more fun with children. We had our "big Christmas" with the in-laws today. The kids (three of them, 11 months, 2 years, and 5 years) were what made it entertaining. We got the 2-year-old a police car and he kept saying, "Look at my police car!" and making the siren go off, which was annoying but so cute that you forgot all about the annoyances. The 11-month-old (my son) was trying to play with the older boys, who had to be reminded to play nice. One day my son will be there.
Yesterday should have been a holy day of obligation, but it is not because yesterday was the second Sunday of Advent. So the feast of the Immaculate Conception was transferred to today, but from what I understand, it is not a holy day. I would like to go to the Mass, but it's at 7:30 in the morning, and there's only one Mass. It starts in about fifteen minutes and it would take me way longer than that to get down there for church. I guess I could go to the local church, but I have never been there.
12/13: I have been extraordinarily negligent of my 100 words. I realized something about myself that I never knew before. If stuff isn't clean or organized around me, I get super pissed if I cannot clean or organize it. I don't know what the name of that disease is called. And if I don't eat and start getting hungry, I get pissed. They actually have a word for that. It's called "hangry." I wonder if that made it into Webster's dictionary yet. I'm sure it's already on Urban Dictionary. I haven't looked at that site in a super-long time.
12/13: Still getting caught up. I keep meaning to turn my computer on at night and do these entries, but my eyes are too tired by then and the computer takes forever to load, plus I would rather be catching up on sleep. Better to do all this stuff during the day while I am actually awake and aware.
My teeth hurt. I think it's because I grind them at night without realizing it. Maybe that's a reason I should get on the computer at night. To cut down on the time I spend grinding my teeth in my sleep.
12/13: Today is the second anniversary of her death. She would be a little older than my son. I think not quite 18 months. I keep wondering what she would have looked like, what her little personality would have been like. But I would not have my son then and he is the best little boy. He has been saying actual words these days, in his own baby language. I can actually tell what he means when he says certain words now. I never want him to stop talking. (I will regret those words in a few years, I know.)
It is not hard to write 100 or even 200 words, but it's hard to write them while focusing and while actually editing, so you end up writing 200 words but deleting 100, so it's like two steps forward and one step back all the time. Perhaps I should pretend I am writing something with a strict word limit.
All I want to eat these days are noodles, and I have no idea why. Noodles are good, but there are other good things to eat too. Like calzones. And pho soup that they have at Vietnamese restaurants. I love that.
I got a free Frosty coupon, which I don't really care about. I don't know why they call it a Frosty when it's just ice cream. That made me think it was something different. I'm not a big fan of restaurant ice cream anyway after I saw what appeared to be hairs in my Frosty at a Wendy's one time. Frosty is also the name of that crazy snowman in the animated cartoon. I have to introduce my son to that one. You have to have certain cultural markers, so you won't be completely behind. I just don't know about homeschooling.
What makes something a classic? I think a classic car is 30 years old or older. A classic song is perhaps 20 years old, so most of my favorite music is classic. What is a classic style of house, or a classic computer? I guess anything manufactured in the last year or so. My cell phone is probably considered a classic. I think it's coming on 3 years old. I want to keep it for as long as possible. A flip phone would be nice, too.
My son's first birthday is coming up. I have no idea what to do or get him since it is so soon after Christmas.
Somewhere I read that a lot of pennies and nickels and other small change get thrown into landfills by accident. I wonder how much money is in landfills. Makes me wonder if they couldn't invent something that would filter through all the trash and pick up just the coins. That would be a cool science experiment for a kid to do. Maybe I'll sell that idea to my son when he gets much older. Of course, he would get to keep the profits. Straight into his college account. I have high hopes that the kid will be smart. Smarter than me, at least.
All I have to say is "ugh". I had a bad night. Went to sleep too early, woke up too early, and remembered that one of our friends is in the hospital for a medical procedure and she probably got worse sleep than I did, so I felt bad I wasn't thinking about her. I did think about her early in the day and said a prayer, but the rest of the day got away from me. Next year, I want to practice the presence of God and be more "awake" so I can listen to what he says. I don't listen enough.
At what point should I stop worrying about
. Oh, well, I doubt I get back to my original thought. My poor plant. I brought it inside because it is cold, but I am wondering if it is getting enough sun. It is leaning toward the window like it wants to go outside. I guess I could keep it there when the days get warmer, but I would probably forget and it would get cold again and the frost would destroy it. My life is average.
I have become the meanest person in the world and I hate it. I wish I could be charitable. Seems like going to confession only makes it worse. I am tired of feeling the way I do. This is probably all a result of not sleeping consistently, but when I had consistent sleep I still felt this way. I would talk to a therapist, but they are expensive. If I hope to be a deacon's wife, I have to get a lot better. I feel like they expect perfection when I cannot deliver it. I'm far from being the perfect person.
Waiting for people to get back to me on email. Waiting for a report to come in. Hoping this weekend will be good if I can keep my temper at bay. Last night it was easier to get the baby to sleep. It won't be like this every night, and I think that's what I have to get used to. I feel like whatever I do to get him to sleep, within reason, as long as it is consistent, will work. I just don't want him to be a hellion at 2 years old, and I think that's what all the sleep-training methods are for.
12/23: Bleh. It is hard to keep a blog updated. It is even harder when people actually notice you haven't updated. I love that blog even though it seems like fewer and fewer read it because of what I write about. But I keep on anyway, if not for them, then for me because my ego likes to see my own words on the page (or the screen). Only a couple days until Christmas. Merry Christmas Eve Eve. I want so badly to get stuff done around the house today, but let's see how much I get sidetracked.
12/23: At restaurants, if I don't use a container of dipping sauce, I leave it on the table before I leave. I know the restaurant staff throw them away anyway because someone touched it. That does not make a ton of sense to me because those containers get touched anyway at the factory and when the employee is putting them in the bins. There is so much food waste in this country, it is depressing. If I want to get depressed and melancholy, that is a good thing to think about. Food waste and the meat rendering industry.
Work is going to be incredibly slow. I'm at home trying to get stuff done, but there is probably nobody at the office. I wanted to be at the office just to soak in the silence, but I came to my senses and realized that it would be better to be at home so I can save gas. I put gas in both the cars yesterday to fill up the tanks. It feels good to know I have two cars with full tanks in case of a sudden snowstorm, but it is always 65 degrees on Christmas. It's the warmest day this week.
12/26: I wonder how many couples will be engaged after the holidays. I keep waiting for my cousin-in-law's boyfriend to propose to her. They live together, so they are practically married. He had better get his ass in gear and propose. I know of another couple (friends of my husband's) who finally got engaged this Christmas after dating for many years. Power to them. I wonder how hard it was to fight against lust. I hate that you have to do that in this day and age. I did not live with my husband before marriage.
12/25: But I did spend a lot of time with him. We were together almost 24/7 and somewhat supervised. I always tried to get home on time, but that sometimes ended up being past midnight some nights. Now I cannot tolerate being up past ten at night. My whole system just shuts down. It is amazing, the stuff that happens after you have a baby. Your body cannot handle what it used to at all. Or maybe it can, but you just think that it cannot. Bodies should not be overestimated. Anyway, speaking of the baby, he may be waking up.
I got two journals this Christmas, and strangely, this is the year I told myself that I did not want to write in a journal anymore because they take up space and I find that I always end up complaining and never writing anything positive. Both of the journals are too pretty, almost too pretty to write in and I have so many other blanks. They could all belong to my husband, but it does not matter. I guess I should make a concentrated effort to just write about happy things or gratitude or funny quotes or a multitude of other positive thoughts.
Last night we went on a date to Ruby Tuesday, which was pleasant. The seats were sticky, the waitress was hardly attentive and did not smile, but I gave her a good tip anyway. The food was amazing, or maybe I was just hungry. The thing I hate about restaurants is that the portions are usually so big there is no room for dessert, and the desserts look amazing. I think one time I will go to a restaurant and just get the dessert. The sucky part is that you would have to tip, but maybe get a to-go order.
12/30: One of the last days of the year, and I caught a cold. Fortunately it is a legit cold and not one of those fever things that is almost the flu but was ultimately too lazy to become the flu. I caught it from the baby. I thought the mother was supposed to have an invincible immune system? Instead it's my husband. The guy never gets sick, ever. I don't know what it is, but it's a good thing because on the rare occasions when he does get sick, he acts like he is dying, even when it's just a cold.
12/30: My grandfather died on 12/29, but it was many years ago, before I was born. I never met him. I never met my other grandfather either. He left my grandmother when my mother was about 4 years old, so she hardly remembers him either. I keep wondering what happened to him. I liked to theorize that he was part of the Mafia and died an infamous, inglorious death in some epic way, like being part of action that could only take place in a crazy movie with a lot of car chases. That sounds super awesome to me.
My other grandfather was supposedly a funny guy. A genuine people person who liked to make others laugh. In every picture I have of him, he is always smiling. My father looks a lot like him. I remember when my dad turned 68, he was freaking out because that was the age his father was when he died. Like there was some kind of curse of the 68s. My father is almost 70 now, so he escaped that. I forget what my grandfather died of. Might have had something to do with the heart. I guess I will ask my dad.
I am stressed and not sure why. I can't really put my finger on it. It's not an obvious stressor. It could be problems with the in-laws or having a kid and constantly worrying about him or trying to be a good everything and failing at almost everything. Or putting in tons of effort and making myself sick over it. Or just driving. All this driving and I hate it so much. Just. Stay. Home. There is no reason to drive all over the place every single day. Stay. Home. Stop making me run useless errands all the time for no good reason.
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