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BY M

01/01 Direct Link
1/2: Happy New Year and I'm already behind. I started the new year with a cold and broken glasses courtesy of my son, so I now have a headache that I'm hoping will not transform into a migraine. I want to try and get my insurance payment switched to every six months because it will make life easier. Mother-in-law sent a picture of my son in a coonskin cap. They must be at the outdoors store. Sometimes I wish I was a baby, but I wouldn't want to go backward for anything. I'd hate to do it all over again. 
01/02 Direct Link
Oy. My brain needs a refresh. I need to learn when to be discreet and when to speak. Seems like I always get them confused. I don't intend to, I swear. Fortunately I have leftovers I can eat for dinner tonight rather than going out to eat. I am starting to hate restaurants. They literally make me sick. I don't know what they cook with, but it disagrees with me a lot of the time. Maybe I should stick to eating only salads or stuff without grease and oil. I got fried chicken and should not have done that. Bad idea.
01/03 Direct Link
Thinking once again about the housing market and how friggin' scary that is. I am so not looking forward to jumping back in during August/September/October of next year. I would like to get a bigger apartment because all the maintenance is done, but it will be outrageously expensive, and I could learn to do basic maintenance stuff myself. My husband is not a handyman whatsoever and will not help me at all. I don't really know anyone who is handy. I just feel like I will pay through the nose and end up hating living in a house.
01/04 Direct Link
I went to confession today, but I almost didn't. To be honest, I don't see the point of confession all the time. It seems much easier to confess your sins straight to God in prayer, but there is something to be said about being accountable to another person. There is something humbling about looking another person in the eye and telling him what you did wrong. It is even humbling to get into the confession box and tell him everything. 

What kind of hope is there, if there is no hope in Christ? This is what I often think about.
01/05 Direct Link
My family was having an epic debate about whether my brother should get his daughters baptized in the Catholic Church. He is completely opposed to it, so if he were to do it, he would not have the intent of raising them in the faith. He would be doing it to shut my parents up. So if the correct intent is not there, it should not be done. Just in my humble opinion. But in an emergency situation, they should be baptized immediately, no questions asked. When they are older, they can decide for themselves. It is so hard to raise a kid in the faith.
01/06 Direct Link
My son's first birthday was yesterday. What a freaking whirlwind. I never thought I'd be able to keep the kid alive for an entire year. 

My new year resolution to stop saying dumb shit has not worked out too well. I still catch myself saying things that are so stupid they shouldn't be said. I guess I do it to be funny, but maybe I ought to keep my mouth shut so I won't be proven to be a fool. 

At work, I am eating my candy by serving size so it lasts longer. Nobody eats the serving size. Ever. 
01/07 Direct Link
I am reading a book about Sicilian history and it mentioned the sulfur mines and the appalling conditions there. Little kids worked there totally naked because of the heat and everyone was miserable. Child abuse and even sexual abuse were rampant. No wonder these people clung so tightly to their religion. I often wonder where is religion's place in a world where everything is so easy. With the click of a mouse and tapping of a keyboard, you can get anything you want. We don't have working conditions like that for children. People are so indulged and spoiled these days.
01/08 Direct Link
Yesterday I was thinking about microaggressions and people freaking out about microplastics in the ocean, then I ate the last few M&Ms from the bag I got for Christmas. I overturned the bag and these tiny particles of M&M shell fell out onto my desk. So then I spawned the idea of microtrash. So insignificant, but so annoying. It is a pox on humanity. Children are the world's greatest producers of microtrash, so they should be restricted somehow. There are three types of microtrash: biological (from the body or from animals/nature), food-based, and material-based.  
01/09 Direct Link
Is it OK to fake humility until I get there? (And then when I get there, I will scream I'M FINALLY HUMBLE at the top of my lungs, sending me straight back to square one.) 

I don't feel humble most of the time, but I guess if I let others go first and receive the credit and give others credit where credit is due, then that will work for now. My instinct is toward self-preservation, and I don't know if that is arrogance or just fear. I hate stepping out of my comfort zone to do something for somebody, but it usually ends well.
01/10 Direct Link
I had caramel and sea salt flavored coffee the other day and it wasn't that great. It smelled amazing but the taste was off. I don't care much for flavored creamers either. They tend to make the coffee too sweet. They are good when used in moderation.

It is exciting that the baby can eat practically anything that I can eat except things he could easily choke on, which, in my paranoid mother's mind, is nearly everything. They say he can have a small amount of peanut butter spread on a cracker. But it depends on which kind of cracker. 
01/11 Direct Link
My purse is molting. Big floppy pieces of the fake leather are falling off. The entire thing has a greenish tinge and I can't figure out why. I didn't leave it in the rain or in a moist place. I got it from Walmart or Target, can't remember which. It was probably Walmart. I think for my birthday, I could use another purse. Or maybe I should use something else as a purse to avoid spending money. 

Speaking of which, I hate spending money at restaurants. What a waste. That is the easiest way to save money. Stop eating out.
01/12 Direct Link
With me, there are very few shades of gray. Everything is black or white. I get offended easily. I am a special snowflake. In my world, things must be as I say they should be or else. Maybe all millennials are like that. I hate being classified as a millennial, put in the same boat as someone who spends all their disposable income on avocado toast. I have never heard of such a thing in all my life. I read that 40% of kids have tooth decay at age 5. That is pretty sad. I wonder what area of the country they surveyed. 
01/13 Direct Link
I had pancakes at Cracker Barrel on Saturday and my goodness, were they rich. I'm not used to something like that. But I'm trying to increase my calorie count. Every time I go to a restaurant, the thing that sounds most appetizing to me is the thing with the least calories. I can't figure that out. The least appetizing thing is always the most fattening. Perhaps it was how I was raised or maybe I just like vegetables. I wouldn't mind being a vegetarian, but I would miss bacon. And chicken. That is my favorite meat of all time. 
01/14 Direct Link
I think I remember reading somewhere that December is a common month for people to commit suicide because of the holidays. I know a lot of people who get depressed during the holidays because of past memories or what have you.

I get melancholy but I don't know if I actually fall into honest-to-God depression. There is usually too much to do in preparation for the holiday to spend time overthinking. It is the overthinking that actually makes me depressed. 

Also being in houses with the curtains closed, with dark cabinets and dark wood floors. 
01/15 Direct Link
I thought of some other scary thing a couple nights ago that kept me unable to fall asleep. Nobody cares about God. I used to really like ADose of Buckley on YouTube because the guy was funny, but now I see him as profane and blasphemous and actually kind of disgusting. I understand that his schtick is to come off as angry and disgruntled all the time, but it comes off as frankly kind of stupid. Like he is trying to be like Howard Stern. And I never cared much for Howard Stern because of the same reasons. He is just a jerk.
01/16 Direct Link
Nobody has any respect for God. With all this technology that's out today, we think we can control everything and that everything is in our hands. This is somewhat true, but we can never control every little thing. There are always some wildcards. Could anyone have foreseen the Australian brush fires this year? I can't believe that turned out as extreme as it did. I know some people who live there. I hope they are OK. Maybe they came back to the United States, at least for a little while. That would be the best solution, I would think. But I'm not them.
01/17 Direct Link
I'm glad I don't listen to metal music anymore. That stuff was no good, just a bunch of people ranting. It is amazing that we still complain even when we live in this land of luxury and leisure. I get embarrassed complaining about simple things when women back in the day got no credit. They had to obey their husband all day long. Nothing was easy for them. They never got a day's vacation. They had to raise a million kids, and possibly die in childbirth. Prenatal care wasn't any good. They didn't have avocado toast and possibly not even coffee.
01/18 Direct Link
1/21: Today is the feast of St. Agnes. Ugh. Available time at work and nothing to fill it. Well, at least nothing yet. Something could come up. I heard Joe Biden speaking on the radio. They were playing a clip from one of the debates. The poor guy sounded terrible. He was so incoherent that I was legitimately worried about him. Like, I feared for his mental health. If I was his wife or one of his children, I would tell him to drop out and focus on him. But politicians will be what they are and he is still the front runner, I think.
01/19 Direct Link
1/21: It was the first time my work actually had the MLK Jr. holiday, which was odd because every "normal" company already has that as a day off for employees. My work was trying to make it a day of service, where you're supposed to go volunteer. I spent the day in service to my household, in which I did the cleaning and shopping. Now that is service. It was nice to have a day off in the middle of January, but now it is hard to get back to the rhythm of work. Oh, well. Gotta love ninja Mondays.
01/20 Direct Link
1/21: The long weekend threw me off, so now I have a lot of entries to write. Nothing much to say, though. Well, I do have a lot to say, but I'm not sure how I feel about saying it here yet even though nobody reads these entries. If someone does read them, hello! Thank you for putting up with all my craziness and right-wing opinions on a daily basis for the past however many years I've been doing this. Speaking of politics, I am kind of looking forward to the frenzy that will be the election later this year.
01/21 Direct Link
I really wish I had something to do at work. Anything. But I guess I could get caught up on reading style guides. I'm sure if I get creative enough, I can think of something. Having available time makes me paranoid. 

Unfortunately there is some drama going down at church. No church is perfect. Where there are humans, there will be drama and craziness. The only thing to do is pray and hope that our better sides prevail. One who prays fervently cannot stay in sin long (to paraphrase St. Teresa of Avila). There was a long Facebook discussion about that quote.
01/22 Direct Link
February 11. Not even one single month away. I should be used to all this by now. But the wheel has to be reinvented. I guess in the meantime I will do my best with what I have because there is nothing else I can do. 

People probably think I am out of my mind. I do not know why I am so worried about what other people think. They all probably think I am a nutjob anyway, so who cares? 

Going to get my eyes dilated now. Fun, fun, fun. But at least I do not have to work anymore today.
01/23 Direct Link
I hate when people don't confirm receipt. I feel like things got stuck in my outbox and never got sent. I went to the eye doctor yesterday. Things are stabilizing, but my glasses are going to get even thicker and I don't care.

Two of the women working there had these long pointy fake nails. I don't understand what is so great about fake nails. Especially the super-long ones. How do you type? How do you groom yourself? How do you open jars and other things? How expensive are those nails? It's amazing the kind of things people spend money on.
01/24 Direct Link
I didn't spend any money yesterday. What a miracle. I don't understand people who spend a ton of money on hair, makeup, and shoes. Speaking of which, I need a trim. My hair is getting unruly again. I almost typed "unrugly," which is guess means that my hair is so unruly that it's ugly. Or unrugly could be a rug that is so frayed that it's hardly a rug anymore. I like playing with words. 

I wish I could take some time off today and go to the library. I would go all the way down to my home town.
01/25 Direct Link
My son finally got baptized after over a year. I love the Catholic Church with all my heart and soul, but sometimes I don't understand the complex bureaucracy and all the craziness that can go down with it. 

Going through this whole process made me more compassionate (I hope) about people who are not following all the rules for whatever reason. Sometimes people can't follow the rules. Not all the rules apply to all the people all the time, and that is hard for me to understand, because I tend to be very rigid. There is a time and place for being that way.
01/26 Direct Link
I really want to just sit and read a book for as many hours as I can until I get sick of it and end up changing positions several times. I used to read entire books in a single day when I was younger and had time. And big fat fantasy novels. I read those all the time, but eventually, they got to be too much to read and by the time I got to sit down and read again, I had forgotten what had happened before. That's how I never got through the Game of Thrones series. I won't watch it on TV either.
01/27 Direct Link
Work is slow again today, and I feel like going home. I guess I'm going to have to start bugging people to share work again, but I hate doing that. I hate asking anyone for favors or having anyone do anything for me unless I am completely incapacitated. I used to think it was a good thing, never asking for help, but in some cultures it is bad. I'm not stuck up, I swear. I'm just independent, and I would rather chew my own arm off than bother you about something that you probably think is insignificant. Wow, that was emo.
01/28 Direct Link
Yesterday was Mozart's birthday, so they were doing Mozart Madness. I think that it hilarious and nerdy. Today is the feast of St. Thomas Aquinas, so they are doing a similar thing for him. How odd must it be to have lived that many years ago and still be remembered and honored for what you did. How amazing is it that both of their works are still relevant today. Humanity never really changes. We just keep moving in a circle, never learning from each other's mistakes or even our own. Considering the lilies and all that... well, that's enough musing for today.
01/29 Direct Link
I got scared last night. Every day at this apartment is getting more and more scary. There is a group of guys who stand outside the apartment smoking something that smells terrible, and they give you dirty looks when you walk by. It is like they sense something about you that they do not like. The sad thing is I have been there longer than them and I should be giving them dirty looks for smoking and throwing their cigarette butts all over the place and into my little patio area. Oh, well. Soon enough we will move out if everything is good.
01/30 Direct Link
I clicked on "random entry" and got one of my old ones from 2008. Dang, I was stupid back then. But I was only 20 or so. I said I hated my boyfriend and wished he would die. How's that for overdramatic? Honestly I don't know why I stayed with him if he annoyed me that much. Love? Probably, but I don't think it was love in the same way I love my husband now. Probably an immature kind of love before I was actually ready to love "for real." I don't think I have ever said or written that I wish my husband would die.
01/31 Direct Link
FINALLY got to the last day of the month. It seemed like this month would go on forever. I scraped the bottom of the barrel with my budget, which is a lie because I actually saved money... so far. There are still a bunch of hours left in this day and any number of crazy things could happen. 

Supposedly I am run down. What do I do about that? And who cares? Today it is all about "healthing" and doing what is right for you. But what about what is right for everyone else? Who watches out for the little people who don't "health" for themselves?