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10/01 Direct Link
We had another luncheon. Seriously, whenís it going to end? This place begs you to say it is great to work for. It is really annoying. Everyone starts their speeches with the same words. And everyone applauds at the end as though the speaker has said something provocative and inspiring. Itís all a bunch of shit if you ask me. I hate how everyone is a follower and an ass-kisser. It makes me sick to my stomach. I try to be a team player, but after all the crap I have seen over the course of 13 years, why bother?
10/02 Direct Link
Is it just me, or did Peter Petrelli get mega hot over the Heroes break? I used to think Nathan and Syler were fine, but Peter; hurt me! Nathan really needs to shave off that ridiculous looking fake beard off! Heís next on my list of Heroes hunks, but I canít stand that stupid beard. Mohinder is looking better and better as well! I canít freakiní wait to see Syler again. Is it wrong to think the bad guy in a show is hot? That man does something to get my juices flowing. Maybe I just need to get laid.
10/03 Direct Link
So much to do, so much to do. Groceries need to be bought, bills need to be paid, work needs to be completed, laundry needs to be done, lunches need to be made, house needs to be cleaned, owed items need to be shipped, deposits need to be made, dog needs a bath, car needs to be washed, CDs need to be burned, shows need to be watched, gas needs to be gotten, contacts need to be replaced, dinner needs to be cooked, oil needs to be changed, appointments need to be made and kept. No wonder Iím always stressed.
10/04 Direct Link
Iím so anxious. I feel like I could puke. Too many butterflies in my stomach. Yuck! I hate feeling like this. Alcohol will stop it all, but I donít have any and I donít have any money to buy any. This sucks. Why canít I budget our money like any normal person can? Heís getting suspiscious. Hopefully I can hold him off for a while longer. I tell him there is no money, but he goes ahead and tries to buy something. He feels embarrassed because they wonít except his card. What can I say? I told him not to!
10/05 Direct Link
How can I tell if I am depressed? I donít want to see a doctor because that is a sign of weakness in my eyes. Plus, I do not want anyone I know to know how I feel all the time. Especially my mother, sister or husband. They would not stop urging me to get help. ďIf you donít do it for yourself, at least do it for the kidsĒ. I can hear them already. Then they would start treating me different, as if I were broken. Well, at least my mother and sister would. Maybe someday Iíll do it.
10/06 Direct Link
I wish I could tell people how I feel. If someone pisses me off, I just shrug my shoulders and donít stand up for myself. On the other hand, if my husband does something to piss me off, I lose it! Thatís not fair to him. Maybe this is a sign of the depression I think I have. Iím taking all my frustrations out on this poor guy who only deserves a small amount of it. And my poor kids. Sometimes I think I must be the meanest mom in the whole world because I get so irritated with them.
10/07 Direct Link
Money controls everything and it sucks. We rely on this stuff too much. Who has it? How can I get it? When I do have it, how can I get more? Why donít I have enough? What can I do to get more? I hate this. Itís all I think about. I need it to buy Halloween costumes. And then, once those are bought, I am going to need to get Christmas presents. This sucks ass! Where is my sugar daddy? Who decides who will be rich and who will be barely squeaking by? I just need more money now!
10/08 Direct Link
After this horrible weekend, work is a much needed relief for once. Who the hell does he think he is going off on me like that? Saying I stole his son because he chose to come live with me. He hates living with you and your perfect little fiancť and her annoying, bratty kids. Get over it man. It is not going to change now. You are going to have to stop acting like a fucking baby if you want your son to want to see you anymore. God, I canít believe at one time I wanted to marry you.
10/09 Direct Link
Some old computer. Same old people. I need a change. Maybe this is why I am slowly sinking into a quite depression. Alcohol seems to be my only solace. My husband does not know how to be a husband. He thinks married people just have sex and the wife cooks dinner. No communication unless he tells me heís going fishing. I am so over this whole marriage thing. If we werenít so asshole in debt, I may consider my options. Although, I couldnít bare not seeing my kids everyday. If only there were another way. God, life truly does suck!
10/10 Direct Link
We have some outrageous sales objective to hit, otherwise we wonít get a bonus at the end of the year. They hold it over our head all year, even though they know there is no possible way we are going to achieve it. Iím sure the big shots are sitting up in their offices, sucking on their cigars, having a big laugh while they watch us do all the work for no reward. Bet theyíll get a big, fat bonus whether we hit our objective or not. Then they can go spend it all on cheap booze and cheaper hookers.
10/11 Direct Link
I am in love with a guy in our office who has no idea. Heís perfect for me. Where the hell was he five God damned years ago? I flirt relentlessly with him. Iím surprised he hasnít called human resources complaining that Iím harassing him. But see, thatís why heís perfect for me. He puts up with all of it with a smile and some harassment back. Heís a gentle soul who would love me and talk to me and take care of me. I canít believe my own rotten luck that I didnít meet him before my current man!
10/12 Direct Link
How can the management in this office put up with subordinates treating them like crap? There are two of them here. If they are asked a question by a manager, they jump all over their asses and the managers take it! They must have pictures of these managers in compromising positions and are using it as blackmail. I know for a fact, if I were to blow up at a manager, Iíd be approached and reprimanded. This is why this place drives me nuts. The employees are not treated equal. If they were, those two bitches would soooo be fired!
10/13 Direct Link
I just returned from a co-workerís house for a jewelry party she had. I should not have attended. We donít have any money. What the hell was I doing spending seventy-five bucks and 5 hours of my Saturday up there? I canít even really stand her. But, because I have no backbone and canít say no to anyone, I ended up taking my daughter and driving an hour and a half to get there. Only to have her tell me to make sure my daughter didnít touch any of her shit. I almost crammed a wine glass up her ass.
10/14 Direct Link
In eleven days my baby sister is coming to visit! Okay, so sheís going to be 30 next year, but I still think of her as a baby. We are going to have so much fun, even if it is only for 4 days. I donít care, maybe sheíll kick me out of this depression that seems to get more intense each day. We are going to stay up late, talking and drinking, just like the good old days before the tragedy hit. I just hope I can let her go when itís time for her to leave. Probably not.
10/15 Direct Link
All I can think about is him. I try not to, but he creeps into my head. Iím a horrible person. I am married for Christís sake. I find myself fantasizing about him all the time. What would it be like to be with him? How would he treat me? Is he good in bed? This is nuts. Iíve got enough stress in my life. I donít need to introduce an affair into the mix. Yet I canít stop. Every time I think Iím done thinking about him, a song comes on and Iím right back where I was before.
10/16 Direct Link
Then thereís him, another guy I find myself obsessing over. He and I have a history. I should have never let him get away. He is so fucking gorgeous! And heís got his shit together, which I something I need in my life. Someone who is attracted to me, but knows how to function and manage money. Why does this happen to me all the time? These two men I work with that I canít stop thinking about are going to be the death of me! Or the divorce of me, whichever comes first. Is it just me or no?
10/17 Direct Link
I wish I could rewind the last ten years of my life. I would give anything to have my Thursday karaoke nights with the girls back. Being single, drinking heavily, making fun of the people attempting to sing Britney Spears in front of the crowded bar. Why does growing up have to suck so much? I had so much fun back then. Making out with random guys, not having a care in the world. God I wish there was some way to make those days happen again. But it never will. Days are gone. I am left with a longing.
10/18 Direct Link
I have visitors in one week. My house is a disaster and I am flat broke. How am I suppose to properly entertain with no money and a ransacked home? I need a miracle. Yeah, right, because we know how many times miracles have happened. Such bullshit. Why canít good things happen for me every once in a while? Iím a good person. Iím nice to everyone. Probably nicer than I should be. But not one fucking good thing seems to come my way. It is completely unfair and all I find myself doing is whining about it. Fuck me!
10/19 Direct Link
Typing, answering the phones, nodding my head and smiling, doing my fake laugh. I am so sick of it. I feel like the world is closing in around me. I need an outlet. Perhaps an affair with a guy in the office? If I was 100% sure he would reciprocate, I would probably go for it. But he is so hard to read. One minute heís flirting with me and the next he talks about my husband. He is the last person I want to talk to about my husband. I am trying to get him to make a move!
10/20 Direct Link
Saturday, maybe now I can stop thinking about him. But all I can think about is that I wonít see him for two whole days. I need help. But who the hell do you talk to about shit like this? Not the man you married. ďHey honey, would you mind if I boned one of the men I work withĒ. I am sure he wouldnít have a problem with that at all. Especially since his previous relationship ended because the girl cheated on him. I couldnít do that to him. Itís wrong, but Iím sure it would feel very right!
10/21 Direct Link
I did not clean at all. All I did was think about cleaning and how much fun Iím going to have for four days while my sister is here. Weíre going to cook, drink, talk, laugh and a ton of other things. I hope she is looking as forward to coming as I am to seeing her. Iím sure she is. But sheíll be leaving before I know it and Iíll be back in this depression and despair Iíve been experiencing. Then my kids and husband will all have to try to pull me out again unsuccessfully. Iím sad already.
10/22 Direct Link
I just saw boy number 2 on my list of ďmen Iíd fuck that I work withĒ. Nice, huh. Made that shit up myself. I should have never gotten married. If I didnít get pregnant, I am 100% sure I would not be married. Anyway, back to boy number 2. Heís so dreamy. Heís my ďhad him onceĒ boy. Rock solid 41 year old stud. He doesnít look a day over 30 though. Heís a little ditzy though, but I find it very endearing. I just want to suck on his bottom lip and lick his neck. One more time!
10/23 Direct Link
I think boy number 1 knows I had a thing with boy number 2. He saw a picture in my desk that #2 brought in to me the other day. Itís me hanging on him. I know he saw it because he opened my desk drawer and itís laying right there on top. After that, he started acting funny, almost a slight jealousy thing. Nah, has to be my imagination. Heís to perfect to get jealous of a picture. Although, it makes me feel good to know he may be jealous. Why does that make me feel good? Iím sick.
10/24 Direct Link
Heís been flirting with me through emails. Plus, he made it a point to come up to my desk to let me know he would be gone for the rest of the week. While he was talking to me, Jessica Simpsonís ďSweetest SinĒ came on my iPod. I couldnít help but to chuckle. He asked me what was wrong. How could I tell him that Iíve fantasized about him and I while this song played? But he had to know something was up, I turned all red and couldnít stop grinning. My secret is going to be exposed soon. Yikes!
10/25 Direct Link
When will my mood lift? I thought my sister coming in would get me into some sort of an excited mood. But instead I sit here waiting for her plane to land and just canít get out of this funk. Who can help me? Maybe once I see her Iíll cheer up? I can only hope. I donít want her whole time here to suck ass just because her big sister canít get her shit together enough to be in a good mood for 4 days. Iíll make sure I do. Otherwise I may slip into an even deeper depression.
10/26 Direct Link
I am having a blast with my sister and her boyfriend. Last night we stayed up late with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. All we did was laugh and laugh. Drank and laughed. Is there anything more perfect? The kids were great and my husband actually joined in the conversation and didnít just sit there like a bump on a log. I couldnít believe it. My mood is much better and I canít wait until tonight when I get to leave this house for a few hours! Weíre going to a Halloween party at a local bar! Should be great!
10/27 Direct Link
I am having a blast with my sister and her boyfriend. Last night we stayed up late with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. All we did was laugh and laugh. Drank and laughed. Is there anything more perfect? The kids were great and my husband actually joined in the conversation and didnít just sit there like a bump on a log. I couldnít believe it. My mood is much better and I canít wait until tonight when I get to leave this house for a few hours! Weíre going to a Halloween party at a local bar! Should be great!
10/28 Direct Link
They left today. I just dropped them off at the airport. We had a great visit and I know the kids loved seeing her again. But now itís back to reality. God, this sucks. I wish I had money to go see her whenever I want. She may be here a bit more next year since one of our friends is getting married and sheís in it. Iím doing everything in my power to not slip into a depression now that she is gone. Iím not sure how well Iím doing, only time will tell. Just stay very happy, girl!
10/29 Direct Link
Back at work today. The only good thing is that I get to see him. My true love. The one who doesnít know that I dream about him each night. He came up already to see if I had a good visit with my sister. I just wanted to jump on his head. Why do I feel like this? I want to cry when I see him because I know I canít have him. How can one person make me feel like this. God what I would give to have my husband make me feel this way. Please let me!
10/30 Direct Link
Whenís it going to be my turn? My turn to enjoy life. To have enough money to buy something I might like. Instead of my husband getting a dirt bike, a 4 wheeler, a motorcycle, two fishing boats. I have nothing except a bunch of credit card debt. He will have to sell something real soon if we are going to make ends meet. But he doesnít get it. He would rather just get mad and bitch about it instead of trying to come to a solution. Because a solution would entail him selling one of his precious boy toyís.
10/31 Direct Link
Halloween! I love this time of year and I love this holiday! I wish I were young enough to still dress up. Maybe next year Iíll host a Halloween party for all my friends and family. Why not? It would be fun. I wish someone had a Halloween party this year. Weíre taking the kids out tonight for some trick or treating fun. Darth Vader, a fairy princess and the killer from the Scream movies. What a combination! Oh well, thatís what they wanted to be. Canít tell them they all need to dress in a theme. Thatís no fun!