I went to the Verizon store today to get screen protectors for Chris's phone and they didn't have any after telling us last Friday they would order some and they'd be in on Wednesday. I was a little irritated. It's out of the way for me to go to the Verizon store. Not like it's across the street or down on the corner. (Great. I now have that song running through my head.)

Having a pretty good day for the most part. Days off are always lovely. Not sure how I'm going to spend the rest of my day off.

I had a spastic meltdown before I came to work. I was angry that I am always the one having to do everything. It seems as if they don't pitch in to do anything, leaving it all for me to do and I was really very angry.

I wasn't working a desk tonight so I got to move around quite a bit. There was a bus at our hotel so they took up a lot of rooms. We were three rooms shy of a sell out for the evening. That rarely happens on a Sunday night. Maybe once or twice.

Today is Chris's 34th birthday. He took a vacation day and went hunting. I spent my day running errands and trying to get a nap. I never did get a nap. We didn't eat supper until after he got home. What's the point of a birthday supper if the person celebrating the birthday isn't there to have it? I made him a strawberry cheesecake. Then I had to go to work. Working 11 to 7 which worked out great because he got to hunt all day without having to leave early to pick up Beth. He shot a birthday deer.

It's very early morning. The air conditioner in the lobby is frozen and they are supposed to come fix it later today but that's not helping me the slightest bit right at the moment. I'm seriously about to roast right now. It's hot in here.

I am off today after I leave here in a few hours. I need to go to Wal Mart and get Beth some pants but I don't think I'm going to do that as soon as I leave here. I may take a nap since I never did get one yesterday and then buy clothes.

I realized, upon logging in, this batch officially ends on my mama's birthday. I hadn't even considered that the year is getting this far along.

It was a pretty good night tonight at work. I got overwhelmed at several points but I managed to breath through the moments and continue forward. I consider this a bonus.

Beth had to leave school early today because she hurt her wrist. The teacher called and told me she thought it was broken. It turns out that she has a slight sprain. I am grateful for this because I was really worried about her.

I love when a phone call ends with a laugh. Such as the one I just had. Those are the best kind.

I'm slowly attempting to clean out my mental closet. It's more difficult than you might think because I have years worth of clutter stored up there and I don't really have a lot of time to take care of and deal with things. So I'm doing it fifteen minutes at a time and making the effort to just breathe through it all.

Today has been a quiet day. I don't work until 11pm tomorrow. Another quiet day planned.

I spent the day trying to take a nap which is my usual routine whenever I have to work a night shift. I got up and left the house to go get my paycheck and go to the bank. And then I came to the house to make room for the television that Chris and Dave were struggling to get inside.

A trip out to have a tire replaced. The same tire he just bought yesterday because his were in really bad shape. The guy refunded his money which was really decent. Tires purchased. Hopefully these will last for awhile.

I am working my night shift tonight without the benefit of notes. I have them over on the filing cabinet but I am attempting to do the entire shift without them so that I can see if I can manage to actually do it without having to rely on notes.

When I get off work at 7, I am intending to go home and get a 4 hour nap and then do some more work on my cluttered room. I am getting rid of a bunch of stuff. I don't have to be back at work until Sunday at 3.

I have been steadily decluttering my space. I started being ruthless with what I was parting with because I realize I am surrounded by stuff and I'm not too happy with it. It being the stuff and the realization.

I have gotten rid of things that Chris probably thought I would never part with but I've come to the realization that if it's not making me happy then what is the point of having it?

It is a work in progress. I do a little bit at a time in a concerted effort to not overwhelm myself with the process.

Nothing in my world seems to make much sense anymore. I spend a lot of my time sleeping to try to avoid the weight of my thoughts. This is not a good thing because it means that I don't get anything done at all. I sleep. I take a shower. I go to work. I try to remember to eat. Rinse. Lather. Repeat. It's like the continuous, never ending cycle of despair. I am afraid because I've never been this down for this long before. I don't know how to pull myself out this time. And nobody can help me.

Maybe if I could articulate what was wrong, things would be easier. That's the major part of the problem though. I can't pinpoint what is wrong. It's no one thing. Rather, it's a bunch of little things that make up this huge, "I can't get through it" pile of crap that balloons and balloons until I can't see my way over it or under it or through it.

He said to me: "I know something is wrong but I don't know what that something is and I don't know how to help you make it better."

I'm surprised he noticed.

I haven't read a complete book in a really long time. I have shows on the DVR that I haven't watched. I have a to do list that is a mile long and getting longer. I can't find the energy to DO anything.

I sleep my off time away. I sleep and I dream weird and random things that when I wake, I am gasping for air and I am drenched in sweat. I get up quietly and go start the coffee pot because I know that sleep for me is done for the night.

This isn't working for me.

This night seems to be taking forever to complete. I keep looking at the clock only to discover that it's a mere five minutes later. I think we've been in the 7 o'clock hour for 4 now. Obviously, I know that isn't the case but that's how slowly things seem to be moving tonight.

I simply want to go home where I don't have to speak if I don't want to speak and I don't have to pretend things are wonderful and I don't have to smile. I can bury my face in the pillow & let the tears fall.

I have made a concerted effort to be happy. It doesn't work. You can only fake something you aren't feeling for so long before everyone knows you are faking. Shouldn't the fact you are making an effort count for something? I think it should but what do I know.

The most difficult part is going to work every night and trying to get through the night without crying behind the desk or accidentally snapping at someone. I've managed pretty well so far.

I have got to do something to get over this funk I'm in but I don't know what.

Today is Janet's birthday. It would have also been my grandmother's birthday. I miss her. She's been gone for several years now.

I don't know what is wrong with me but I have been in serious pain the past few weeks. I thought I had the flu but I don't think the flu hangs around for weeks at the time. I'm starting to think it's a lot of depression. I seem to cry for no good reason. I imagine Chris is highly annoyed with me but bless him for being as understanding as he can be.

I truly love him.

My favorite thing about Sunday is the fact that I get to sleep in (though I rarely do) and then we usually take the time to make a really good breakfast. It's the one day a week that we are not rushed and don't have to hurry up and do anything. As long as I'm at work by 3, it's all good.

I really enjoy that time together with Chris in the kitchen. I had forgotten how much fun we usually manage to have together. We don't seem to get a whole lot of time anymore and that is sad.

I used to have a whole file folder on the computer that was nothing but quotes. I had this thing for quotes and had painstakingly separated them into categories. I don't know what happened to the file folder. It either got deleted or the computer ate it during one of its fits that it used to be prone to having. I miss my folder of quotes. I can't explain why other than to say that I just do.

Nick found some of my writing on the computer. He complimented me on it and then I went and deleted it all.

There is a show on HGTV where they take a really expensively designed living room (or any room for that matter) and make a duplicate of it but use things that don't cost an arm, leg and your first born child. The show is pretty interesting. I have been watching bits and pieces of it at work when I can no longer stand to watch Fox News.

I saw a clip earlier and they were showing the price of the pillows they had in the room. $350. For pillows. I can't imagine spending that much money on a pillow. Crazy.

My gratitude journal has suffered lately. Honestly pretty much everything has suffered except my desire to sleep. I've been doing more than my fair share of that in the past month. You would think I would be well rested but that isn't the case. The more I sleep, the more tired I am. I can't function like this for much longer. I keep thinking it will pass; it has to right? Wishful thinking isn't working and the doctor keeps telling me to give it time. How much more time does he think I should give it? He doesn't answer me.

I try to make myself get up and do a few things each day because I'm trying to fool the world and myself that everything is just peachy. Maybe I was fooling the world but I'm certainly not fooling myself. I wish it were that easy.

My mother gives well meant advice such as take a few minutes of time for yourself. You're just overwhelmed she proclaims. You need to get outside for awhile. I don't have the heart to tell her that I do all of those things and still, I don't feel any better. Not the slightest bit.

I read somewhere today where someone said they had "exceeded the maximum number of tweets allowed" for one day and I thought "What is that number?" I wonder how much a person must tweet before twitter says "wait a minute. Come back again tomorrow."

The answer to that question isn't in their frequently asked questions. I know this because I looked for it and didn't find it.

My head is a semi decent place for a minute. I know not to think that I'm magically better but I do appreciate the calm I have going on right now. It's quiet.

Saturdays are hunting days. They are usually gone before the sun comes up and they don't come home until well after dark. On days that I have to work it's not so bad because I'm occupied from 3 until 11 with work but on the days that I don't have to work, it sucks on a level that is not easily explained.

Nick has been annoying me endlessly the past little while. I think a lot of it is growing pains. He's ready to be grown and I still see him as that little boy who needs to be mothered.

I am trying to get all of the books I have checked out of the library read before I go get some more. I tend to hoard books (you should see my book shelves with the books I own.) I think I have an entire shelf of stuff that my sister has given me that I have not managed to read yet.

I have noticed that I don't read as much as I used to read. I don't know if it's because I am busy with work or just ambivalent but finishing a book has turned into a major accomplishment.

Kept Beth home from school today. She wasn't feeling well and we decided that it would be a good idea for her to just stay home and rest. I don't think it was a bad decision because she ended up sleeping most of the day.

I have to go to work at 11 which should be interesting. I don't mind the shift at all. It is rather slow which isn't all that great but it's also quiet and having some serious quiet one day a week is a very good thing. I couldn't do this shift all the time though.

I got home a little after 7. I was asleep by 8. I woke up to find Chris and Elizabeth in the house. She had gone to school this morning but the teacher had called my phone at 11 to come get her and when I never called back, they called Chris. Beth was running a fever of 100.7 and was coughing so they decided to send her home.

Chris stayed home the rest of the afternoon with us which was a pleasant surprise.

She seems to be feeling better but she can't go to school tomorrow at all.

We didn't even bother to send Beth to school today because with the documented fever from yesterday they would have just sent her home. I wasn't even prepared to have to deal with that so she and I hung out at the house and I took her to buy some pants. She has been growing like a weed so she didn't have any pants that actually fit her. We remedied that today and she was happy with her purchases. I love spending one on one time with her. She is such a delightful little girl who can make me laugh.

Of the four days they were scheduled to have school this week, Beth only successfully managed to go for this one full day.

She was thrilled though to be able to go back to school. I think she was tired of laying around. She had a ton of homework to do which was not really surprising. They load them up with homework every day so I expected her to have a lot of work to do after being out for most of the week.

I have to go to work today. I am not looking forward to this at all.

Teacher work days are the bane of my existence. I know that teachers need time to do certain tasks they can't complete while they have students in class but these work days are a pain in the behind.

I have listened to kids argue all day and fight about this and that and computer time and what they are going to watch on television and could we be any more ridiculous?

I imagine they could and I probably shouldn't ask that question because they will find to way to be that ridiculous I am questioning.

I am so very tired.

Beth didn't get to go hunting today because she has been sick all week. She is very angry about this turn of events. I haven't seen her display such attitude... ever.

We really just hung around the house today until I left for work because it was dreary and rainy. Until I got to work and then the sun came out because... Of course! (That's like a duh thing.)

People are grating my last nerve. I love my job. I most certainly do but sometimes I just want to run screaming from the building.

I need a vacation. Really soon.

I didn't sleep last night. I don't know why I wasn't able to do that but I have been miserable for most of the day. I'm starting to notice a pattern again of insomnia and I have no idea what to do about it.

I asked the doctor for some advice about what is going on with this depression that I can't seem to shake. He doesn't want to medicate me because I take so much other stuff already so he advised me to try to ride it out.

This is a lot easier said than it is actually done.

Beth had it in her head that she was going to be picked up by my sister today and they were all going to go trick or treating. I don't know why she had this idea but it was firmly entrenched. I had to break it to her that given the fact she has been sick & that it was pouring rain outside, there would be no trick or treating for her this year. I think I broke her heart.

I got off work at 7 this morning and I've been dragging all day. It's time to make some changes.