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Self harm and weight loss gets in the way of everything. I had a fresh, shiny blade in my pretty new jewelery box for the past week or so. I just chucked it in the bin; Iíve been so stupid. I self harmed for four years; since I was eleven or twelve. Trying to stop was always the most difficult thing, and I thought I never would. In November, I had been free from cutting for a whole year. And then things started to go tits up. I became self absorbed again and on Christmas Eve I finally gave in.
I only scratched myself with the scissors. Nothing major. I told myself it was a minor slip up, and that it didnít count. I did it again on Christmas day. Again, I resolved that it would be the only time and I could get on with life, guilt free, and my year of no harming was still more or less in tact. A few days later, I got myself a new razor blade. Not to cut myself with, oh no. I just wanted to play with it. I have self control, I told myself. I could look but not cut.
Of course, within half an hour, Iíd made only small cuts on my hands. I now have them over my shoulders and arms too. I made a little smiley face just above my elbow; that one bled quite badly. No way near as badly as what it used to be like, of course. My legs used to look like a massacre every day when it was at its worst. That was a summer or so ago. I had a cry about it tonight. And I did the usual attention-grabbing technique of saying weird things to my boyfriend. So we talked.
I realised just how silly Iíd been. After four year of trying to quit, and that being the biggest struggle Iíd ever encounteredÖ I was ready to throw it all away because Iím a wee bit down recently? Iím also incredibly in love; something I thought would never ever happen to me. Iím incredibly lucky that he somehow says everything that is exactly what I need when Iím down. He reacts in the best way possible when I talk about cutting. Iím in love and Iím never going to self harm again. I already proved that I can do it.
You know those magazines that are packed full with dieting tips and sex secrets? They're insane, but I love them. Why would a
skinny, pretty, woman
be the model in an article about losing weight? Why is she the one with a tap measure around her stomach? And
. Yes, stay fit, love, but you have absolutely no reason to be
resolving to lose weight.
It's just ridiculous. And the girl in the 'stop smoking' article looks already like everything a non-smoker would be.
I haven't been running in a whole eight days, but I'm still
not going to panic
Iíd forgotten why I was quite so obsessed with Radiohead. You know, the endless references to them, the thinking of and listening to nothing but them. Thatís all trailed off in the past however long. And now I know not only why I was so insanely in love with them in the first place, but also one of the possible reasons as to why I donít listen to them quite as much any more.
. That one that says,
if there was anyway to be actually
the music that I can hear right now, Iíd be there
Everyone else is panicking over the fact that we have a maths exam on Wednesday. The Real Thing. I'm just in Rachel Land thinking "ooh, what fun, I hope they put good questions on it". So, so sad. While my mum was busy getting drunk last night, I was doing maths papers for fun, using the excuse that I needed to revise. Oh and, parents acting like drunk teenagers? Really weird. Not something I wish to encounter on a regular basis.
And I had my first driving lesson this morning. It was fun; I didnít stall as much as normal.
Today Sian told me that she would love to have a figure like mine. I wanted to cry at the time, because I wish I could believe it; I wish I could see whatever it is that she sees. All I see is fat when I look at myself. My reflection repulses me and always has done. Iím so selfish. It could be so much worse but I desperately want to carve it all away, until I find myself. Iím thin inside, I have to be. Iíll stop moaning when Iím thin. But I donít know when that will be.
I woke up just as I was dying in my dream this morning. This crazy guy was cutting my throat in the shower, and Kaff's was wearing all black, that's all I remember. And you know how there's all those silly myths about how if you die in your sleep, you die? It's gotten me worrying. Because this dream has been ongoing for a while, and every time I have the dream again, the knife guy gets closer to find me, and tonight I woke up as the blood was whooshing out of my neck and my vision was going.
People arguing makes me want to hurt myself so much. I canít stand the sound. It grates against the insides of my brains and the echos stay there for days. I hate living here. I want to move away, but my parents wonít let me. I donít know if I can make it through the two year wait until I go away to uni. Hurting myself suppresses the urges to hurt the people who make feel like this. I want to just lay down and cry; I need to stop being to pathetic. More than anything, I need Saturday soon.
I wish I could take everything away. Everything bad, everything painful, everything that ever caused the slightest discomfort. I could bottle it up and keep it to myself if needs be; I could endure it all if it meant no one else would suffer it. Iím not trying to be a saint; Iím far from that. I just canít take the pain of people I love. I canít watch it so helplessly. I could live with all of it; Iím not any stronger than you, but at least Iíd know you were OK.
I wish my mind were a void.
Even if I hadnít been feeling shit this week (or was it just this past day or so?) today would be the best day of it. Iíll probably be as selfish and stupid as always, and waste the little time I get with my boyfriend by feeling generally down and pathetic. But hey, thatís what being a girl is about, right? Especially a teenage one. Theyíre the worst. Weíre never happy, and we always have an image in our heads of a life that would Ďfix us, but even if it were true, weíd still be miserable. Iím just silly.
It seems highly likely that my boyfriend and I will still be together in two years time when I start university. I could make the huge distance between us go away, by going the same uni which he is at right now.
The uni I
want to go to is three hours away from the one he is at. When heís at home, thereís a three hour train journey between us, but when heís at uni, itís only an hour. I donít know if I can bring myself to make it permanently three hours. Which is the right option?
No one is going to believe this but, I don't feel fat. Right now, at this moment. It's rather nice. It happens, sometimes. Last Tuesday I was walking to the train station, and caught sight of myself in a window and my immediate though was "ooh, legs don't look very fat today", which was quickly caught and corrected by "thoughts like that will MAKE YOU FAT by your delusion that you are not obese yet". Still, the echo of the original thought lingered for the next few days, which was nice.
The thought of choosing a university is killing me.
I remember sitting in English Lit, less than six hours ago, and how happy I felt, how it couldn't possibly change any time soon. I managed to, during the two short hours I was at work tonight, wind myself up into complete self-hatred and disgust. The only solution to the repulsion I feel seems to be doing nothing. Everything I ever do feels like it will result in mess and hurt. I'm going to hurt at least four people in the near future, I know it, and I can't stop myself. Past experience tells us that I won't stop myself.
I have so many chess games going on at the moment. It's fun; usually I find I can't cope with four or more at once, but I have about ten at the moment.
Am I wrong to buy the Big Issue? Rhi says I'm probably funding people's drug habits, and mum says I'm encouraging people not to get 'proper' jobs.
Either I'm naive, or everyone else is cynical. I just don't know which.
And Iím now determined that I will either go to the same university my boyfriend is at, or the one which is twenty minutes down the road.
Too much time with myself is so boring. I was supposed to only have psychology from 9am 'til 11am, then go home today, but Rowena wasn't in, and there was no one to cover our class, so I got to go home half an hour after I got there. So I've been slowly doing my AON for the past seven hours.
I sometimes think the best thing for me would be to be alone, all the time, but in reality I think it'd drive me insane. I can't even go an hour without people; I start going strange even then.
I'm thinking, once everything that is planned for the next few weeks is over with, I'm going to call the doctors and make an appointment. I need to make one about my headaches as well, anyway.
I don't particularly know what it is that I expect them to do, but at least I'll have made an effort.
And if I don't do something, I think I'm going to crack up. Or not. I'm determined not to, as I have far too much to be Happy and Sane about, but sometimes my brain seems to have different ideas about it all.
So I put it to my mum that if she let me have a tattoo now instead of me waiting 'til I'm 18, she could have my laptop for nothing (though, I'm not gonna take any money off her for it anyway, but she doesn't know that, or agree with the idea) and I got the very lovely reply of "don't you think you've mutilated your body enough already?" Oh the joy. Still, I didn't go off on one. I just didn't talk to her for a while, but I wasn't as pissed off as I imagine I would be.
I donít think Iíll actually get around to calling the doctor. Iím either in a great mood, which means I can easily convince I donít need to speak to anyone, or I feel like utter shit and this renders me incapable of holding normal conversations with my friends, never mind receptionists on the phone, or doctors face to face.
Sometimes it feels hopeless because even when I feel great like now, itís always lurking at the back of my mind that this is not going to last forever. And when I feel bad, I canít imagine this will ever stop.
Sam can put computers together, I can't manage to set up the internet on aforementioned computer (I'm resorting to using my laptop next to it for the internet).
You can see who is the brains in the relationship, I'm sure.
Seeing Sam is the only certain way of me being in a happy, stable mood. Not the only way; the only
way. I have to wonder what life would be like if we lived together, as is planned for the eventual future. Awesome, without a doubt, but what will happen to my moods?
Maybe Iíll grow up by then.
So, I had a crying/slightly screaming fit in the kitchen this morning before college. To be honest, I think it's a good thing. I haven't properly cried in a long time, not in the huge uncontrollable way at least. And I've felt better for it all day. I feel bad for all the generally unreasonable swearing and pushing family members away when they tried to help but... You know. I'm best left alone to my own devices, sometimes.
I got my philosophy essay back that we did last Tuesday, and I've just scraped an A, which I'm well happy with.
Charlotte and I met Robots In Disguise; Dee was so sweet. I screamed Ďoh my goshí and she turned around, and waved at us, then came over. I gushed about how amazing the gig was; it really was, in all honesty, one of the most fun gigs Iíve ever been to. People actually danced and made it fun, rather than simply standing around and staring at the band, as you so often see. I hope IAMX will be as awesome as that. I get the feeling people wonít be quite as free-spirited with their dancing there, but itíll be fun.
My t'internet is working! I had four pages of instructions printed off, so I just sat down to a night of frustration. Instead... I followed the first step of "press button 1 on the Livebox" and it just MADE MY INTERNET WORK. Itís a magic piece of paper, I have decided.
My best friend and I went to see Robots In Disguise. The Liverpool Academy is incredibly tiny, but that was part of the fun; it was all really nice and intimate. We hung around outside for an hour in the cold and met the band. Too incredible for words.
I re-dyed my hair red yesterday, to sort out my roots and make it brighter. It's a slightly different shade to last time; less post box, more cherry. The hospital gave me a hearing test, then told me to "wait a few minutes" in the waiting room for the doctor to tell me the results. An
later, I got called in, to be told my hearing is perfectly normal. Which means that either every single person in the world mutters when they talk to me (perhaps it's a conspiracy, who knows?)
I just don't pay attention to anyone.
I just got called A Walking Disaster Zone. I was making cakes at the time, so I guess it's not totally unsupported. One big license plate shaped cake, and twenty blue and pink fairy cakes, with words iced on.
Yesterday was weird, because I was all happy and Kaffs kept asking me if I was on something. This is odd, because Friday's are usually horrible and crap. I figured out the reason though... I ate junk yesterday! So I now have an excuse to not eat healthily on Fridays. Yay.
...Either this, or I need to meet RiD every Wednesday.
We are having a surprise birthday party for Kaffs today. Itís not really a Ďsurpriseí but our parties never are. The birthday girl knows sheís having something done for her, but she never knows quite what it will entail until she gets there. Kaffs birthday was actually on Thursday, but weekdays are never a good idea for aiming to get drunk on vodka jelly. Yes, vodka jelly. Rhian is making it, so I dread to think how strong it will be. Rhian is obsessed with vodka. Itís OK, but I donít think Iíd drink it in the amounts she does.
I was told by various websites that the dvd of The Mighty Boosh series 3 would be coming out today, so I popped into Virgin before college this afternoon, and when I got there, I couldnít find it anywhere. I asked the guy at the till, and he said itís not coming out Ďtil February 11th. Bummer. Apparently a few people asked the same thing today, so there must have been a dummy release date. I got a CD for a fiver to cheer myself up. And I didnít manage to find the book which Amy needs. Very unproductive day.
Ouch, I'm just having my first major headache in nearly a month. Which would seem to confirm the theory that they are caused by cheese. I ate it every day for the past couple of days, to see what would happen. And now I know, what would happen is one of the bloody awful head earthquakes. I have another 100 words to do on my lit coursework, then I'm going to sleep. If I can get it done in the next 15 minutes (I can make it take an hour), I can watch Friends. With a nice cup of tea.
I canít help being an insanely paranoid and jealous mess of a person; itís just something that comes naturally to me. Itís funny, I never really believe the thoughts in my head, theyíre just paranoid suspicions that I tend to ruminate on. Everyone hates me, everyone will leave me for better people; just the usual, really. If one person is moody, I assume itís my fault and that they despise me. Iím probably just very self-centered. After all, I seem to think Iím the center of everyone elseís universe. I worry Iím relapsing, but this is all just normal, right?
This headache is refusing to go away. I am regretting my little 'experiment'. I tried to call the doctors, to make an appointment, but they were closed. Closed at one in the afternoon on a week day. Seriously. What if I was dying or something?! Admittedly, I'd probably be better off going to the hospital, or a funeral director, than a GP, but still. It's the principle. I think.
I need to make my mum a birthday card before she gets home from work, but it seems like far too much effort to go upstairs and get card making materials.
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