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In life, not everything is perfect. In life, things can go wrong. In life, you can become confused, lied to, or betrayed. But, through everything that turns dark, you must learn to cherish those that mean the most. You must learn that trust is vital when trying to find the right path. In life, death occurs. Whether it be spiritual, emotional, or physical, well, that depends. But when something happens, you shouldnít stop living. You shouldnít dwell on depression, on the very thing that has thrown your world, your entire existence, into complete and total darkness. Throughout your entire life, your heart tells the truth.
If you canít fight for anything, fight for those who you have met along the way who have stayed with you and helped to raise you up to what you have become. Fight for those who have touched your life in one way or another, for those who make you smile when you really need it, for those who make you see the brighter side of things when you are really down, for those whose friendship you appreciate. If you fight for your belief in those people, then life will always have a purpose in your eyes.
He looked right through me. I'm invisible. Even though he ran off with the first "perfect" girl he saw, I never wore a mask, like I do with friends... They see me as invincible...fearless...heartless. I could be like that for them. I figured I had to be, for my own protection. No, I couldn't do that with him. His eyes...they scared me sometimes...it was as if he could see through me...and that is extremely unnerving. But his eyes, they were made to drown in, and I couldn't swim. To him, and to everyone else, I'm just another face in the crowd...
I hide behind a version of me to protect myself from you. Iíve hidden for so long that I donít know who I am. But now that you are gone, I can come out. You took the fun out of life itself. You drug me around like a dog and, to you, I was probably nothing more than some pitiful, helpless animal that you kicked around. You played me like a pawn on a chessboard to get anything and everything you wanted. But nowÖnow Iím fighting with all my might to find a way outÖIím fighting to escape.
I just want to be told that I'm not alone. It's not an angel that I want, but someone who knows the same loneliness. After I turn off the game, the monitor holds a cold reality. Everything I've ever gained is just a cheap imitation. My heart screams out that something's missing and...suddenly...I'm just an ordinary nobody again....nothing special, just a plain girl. Someone youíd see any day on the street, or in the classroom, but someone that isnít anywhere near who I am.
Just looking down results in a broken heart that I can't break free of.
You've got everyone fooled. Everyone...except me. I know all about you and your mind games. I know how it all works. I was once a victim of them like everyone else, but I'm not your little pet anymore. I'm not part of your sick puppet game. You've got everyone eating out of the palm of your hand. When I tried to warn them, tried to protect them from you, they just laughed. They called me crazy. They called me a liar. They called me arrogant. They called me a fool. They called me jealous. But...what are you going to do now?...
I wanted to tell her how sorry I was for her and her family, but I know how much she hates it when people pity her. I feel privileged that she told me something so personal. I could tell that it killed her just to tell me the little bit that she did. Sheís just as independent as I am and has an even wider stubborn streak. I wanted to tell her that she doesnít always have to be so brave, but that would have been considered pity in her eyes and she wouldnít like that.
Iím glad she told me and not that ungrateful, pompous, arrogant littleÖoh, there arenít words foul enough to describe thatÖheathen pig (thatís kind). But I figure that secrets arenít safe with the pig anywayÖI discovered that at the party that night when I let myself cry on their shoulder while they gave me a longwinded, unnecessary explanation of nothing. I donít want to become a pig like them. I donít ever want to sink as low as that. And, thankfully, I havenít and hopefully I never will.
But as she told me why she hadnít been at school that weekÖ
Everyoneís against it fighting. It just burns the bridges that took you so long to build. But do you fight to help? Or do you fight to hurt? It's your choice. Many who fight don't realize that there are scars left behind that stay with you for the rest of your life. Reminding you of the choice you made. Whether it was right or wrong doesn't matter. I find that the only way to show your true strength is to feel the sorrow of loss because only then will you truly appreciate your life and how valuable your loved ones are.
Fine. I give up. I've had enough of it! Seriously, I've tried to get along with you and smile politely like you think I should, but I'm done. No matter how hard I try to act as if everything's normal, it's not. Not when you completely ignore me and everything I stand for. Not when you ridicule my family -- whether they're related by blood or not. It's not fair. You're so narrow-minded it makes me sick because you won't even give me a chance. If only you'd open your eyes long enough to see who I really am...
I have no idea where I stand anymore. Should I have done this, why didn't I say that? The stress doesn't help either. Everything just keeps building on itself and I'm afraid I'm being swallowed up by it all. I find myself regretting some of my choices and I don't know why. I wonder if my friends are still my friends and if I have their approval...or anyone's at all. I'm lost to everyone, including myself and I guess that frustrates me. There are two great tragedies in life. One is to never get your heart's desire and then, the other is to get it.
I'm sorry Iím not perfect person you want me to be! I don't want to be babied, but some slack would be nice, or some understanding. Or some silence. Something I desperately want, but something I'll never have. Criticize me, ridicule me, make me fell an inch tall, but you won't bring me down. My ideas may be different and my morals skewed, but I won't kneel to the likes of you.
You may be able to silence my words like you've succeeded in doing so many times before, but you will never gain the pleasure of silencing my heart.
to ride a motorcycle all the way across the country. to run wild. to travel. to talk. to feel. to laugh until i cry. to make a fool of myself. to wake up early. to stay up all night. to sleep until noon. to not sleep at all. to watch a sunrise. in the mountains. by the sea. to watch a sunset. to visit faraway friends. to make friends all over the world. to live inconveniently. to live in a cottage in the mountains. in a house by the sea. in a small town where you know everyone.
How do you know what goes through my mind? You canít possibly fathom what I think or believe because you donít see me. If I couldnít accomplish anything else in this life, the one thing Iíd want to do is to stand up against you. I want to stand up for myself. I want to tell you that this is who I am. This is what I believe inÖwhat I stand for. These are the ones Iíd die for and this is my family. Tell you that this is who I am and Iím not changing.
I want my voice back.
She's dying. I can see it in her eyes. When she laughs, it sounds tired and her smile no longer lights up her face. She's giving up on everything that used to make her happy. She's so young and already she's tired. She wants to be able to laugh freely and not be held down by the expectations of others. So she goes through life in a haze. It seems as if nothing affects her and she's numb to everything. So I give her a hug and hope that she won't give up...hope she won't stop playing this silly game...
She sees herself as weak. She blames herself for everything. She tells herself that sheís a cold person, which is obviously a lie. She believes that she doesnít matter to anyone. She thinks sheís worthless. In her eyes, sheís completely alone. Sheís forgotten how to rely on her heart. Sheís slowly dying on the inside. She doesnít have to talk, but she should follow her heart. Abandon every ounce of logic and reason and common sense. Ignore everything we were taught to depend on and listen to your heart.
Lord knows it was put there for a damn good reasonÖ
Iím tired of having to focus on things that donít matter. Iím tired of being strong. Iím tired of having to wear a different mask for every occasion. Iím tired of sitting lifeless while I let myself die. Iím tired of being numb. Iím tired of crying over things that I donít care about. Iím tired of not being able to weep when my heart so desperately wants to. Iím just so damn tired. Iíve been telling my friend that thereís always a point. But Iím not only trying to get her to believe my words, but myself as well.
I hate not knowing. But I donít know much of anything anymore. I donít know why Iíve lost my passion for just about everything I used to love. I donít know why I complain about the same thing time and time again. Iím so lost. I want to depend on someone else for a while. I want to be selfish. I want to be able to cry again. I want to be free. But in todayís society thatís all much too expensive. So, Iíll continue on wearing my masks and continue on being invisible. And Iíll continue on being tiredÖ
You havenít got a clue. Do you know what itís like to lie to your parents because youíre too afraid to be honest? You say I shouldnít let their words matter. But how can I when I canít even tell my best friends how much I love them? Do you know how it feels when a stranger sees something in you that your
canít? And have that stranger pour out their soul to you? Do you know what itís like to silence yourself because youíre convinced they wouldnít care? You know nothing, so donít pretend that you do.
Will you just stop it?! Please? Iím begging you! Just quit it! Stop lying to me! Why do you insist on giving me the cold shoulder one minute and hug me the next? Youíve been so bitter and distant and I know Iím being selfish, but I donít know what to do. I respect you greatly and I value your opinion more than any other. Youíre one of my sisters, the only ones who can truly see me. Whether you snub me or give me that
, I hope I can earn your trust back. JustÖstop with these two-faced masksÖ
Youíre not fooling anyone. Not with that pathetic disguise. The loathing in your eyes is showing. The halo that used to shine is dulling and no longer hides your horns. The bruises and cuts from self abuse arenít covered anymore and your broken heartís thick layer of ice is melting. Your nice, fancy clothes donít look so handsome and theyíre still charred from the battles youíve fought. Your smile falters in a vain attempt to hide your disgust so it doesnít reach your eyes.
TAKE A LOOK IN THE MIRROR. YOUR MASK IS FALLING OFF. I CAN SEE YOU NOW.
A layer of ice for protection.
An expressionless mask for a shield.
A long silence for safety.
A meal for nourishment.
A pen and paper for sanity.
A story for hope.
A house for shelter.
A tradition for stability.
A smile for light.
A hug for love.
A song for emotion.
An angel for freedom.
A prayer for guidance.
A lie for cowardice.
A tear for a broken heart.
A cut for betrayal.
A laugh for simplicity.
A photograph for remembrance.
A rainbow for childishness.
A moment for a lifetime.
A life for surviving and conforming, but not for living.
Itís honestly nothing new thatís invaded my mind. Itís the same old thoughts, the same old conversations in my head, and the same old results. But, I canít get one of them to leave me alone. It keeps coming back and I ended up writing about it in class.
Is anyone out there listening?
Does anyone out there care?
No. How can anyone worry about someone else when they only care about themselves? Nobody is brave enough to stand up and help their neighbors. They're either too lazy or too proud. So, in the end, everyone lives and dies alone.
Itís not one thing that makes a person what they are, itís how they live life and treat those around them.
Itís not the fact that that obnoxious kid sitting beside you in class treats you like an imbecile, itís how you react to that because if you treat him just as badly as he treats you, then youíre no different. And instead of moping about it, Iíve found the ones who can talk to me about anything without sounding like a specialist or treating me like an incompetent fool.
It may go unnoticed, but some people do that.
Hereís my dilemma: I lived up north for a while and I LOVED it. I loved the seasons and everything. There was just something that I never got tired of. And ever since I've moved, I've always dreamed of going back.
Then, I moved south. And I've been here for...10 yearsÖish? And I've fallen in love with the people. They are my dearest friends and I donít know what Iíd ever do without them.
So, have you ever fallen in love with a specific place, but are equally in love with the people of a completely opposite place?
What do you do if everything seems to fall apart? My friend asked why, but what can I say?
I mean, I can't go up to someone and say: Well, YOU don't have a brother who's completely lost in high school and doesn't know where he belongs. Or a father who's unemployed and getting depressed because nobodyís called him about a job. Or a mother who thinks her life is shit and that you're never good enough.
They ask you when all this started, but how can you answer them? You can't say: It was when my mother stopped smiling...
I don't have a voice here. I'm told to sit down and shut up whenever I try to speak my mind and they cage me up...my dog is treated better (not that I'm saying animals should be caged). I suppose I've come to realize that my family is more so my friends than my parents. The band...my dearest friends...are the ones who listen to my opinions and don't take it to heart if I offend them. They're the only ones who are there when I need them.
My true mask is made for my parents. Not for my friends.
So, why did her eyes die?
Apparently, I'm pretty good at reading people, so I can tell that something's bothering her. It seems that she wants to cover it up and go on with life and ignore the problem (whatever it may be). It's also a bit obvious that all of her friends are worried about her, but I don't think she wants to see it. Better to be ignorant of the truth, right? Yeah right. I strongly disagree, but I don't want to lose her as a friend because she's proven herself to be a pretty damn good one.
Christmas. There's something about that time of year that puts me in a really good mood. I've yet to feel it. I couldn't help in thinking about how Christmas used to be. It was the best time of the year. We'd be off from school and we could cut our own tree. Now we've got a fake tree with fake garland and it doesn't snow here. My brother used to smile then. He doesn't truly smile anymore. My parents used to care about Christmas. Now they could care less if the house is decorated or whatever. I miss it all.
"Come on! Throw me another one! I can take it!" Is that what you think I'm saying? Those words hurt. Don't you see that? You're hurting me with that scalding tongue! Stop it! Please! So what if I'm not perfect?! I've never been a little angel! You should know that! I'm your daughter, your own flesh and blood! So why must you say all these horrid things? Not only about me, but about my brother, your son! And my sisters, even though they don't belong to you.
Staff lines are thicker than blood.
The truth hurts, doesn't it?
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