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it's new year. it's not really such a big deal. i guess i'm getting old.
i lit a roman candle when the clock struck 12. it was fine at first. then it exploded in my hand. i wasn't hurt or anything but i swore i'll never light one again.
he sent me an intriguing text message. you see, i asked him to come over tomorrow, and he said no. of course, i was kidding, but i acted hurt anyway, so he promised that he would come over. and i said no. but he insisted. and he wouldn't tell me why.
i insisted on knowing what the big secret was, and he resisted as much as he could. but when he knows i want something, he gives in quite often. i knew that, so it wasn't long before he finally told me.
he was going to come over because he wanted to ask my parents if he could court me. just to make it official. i guess i've pestered him too much. but then, it
about time. after all, it's been three years.
i have to admit i was shocked. and i am scared. wait. scratch that. i'm really scared.
i cancelled it. i was scared. i was afraid that they would say no and everything would end. i was afraid that they would forbid me to see him again, even as a "friend". i was afraid. because i'm almost perfectly sure they would say no.
he was so disappointed. even though he didn't say so, i saw that he was. but he didn't want to force me. so we didn't go. i still felt guilty.
so i told him we could reschedule if he still wants to. he did. we're going friday.
i'm still sure they'll say no.
people always say that chocolate are definite mood boosters. i always thought they were right. i love chocolates. eating chocolates never failed to make me happy. until now.
i ate chocolates. a lot of them. and i am still not happy.
he went over today to finally ask for my parents permission. i was so scared. but i was almost sure they would say yes. after all, i was responsible. i looked after my academics. and i know enough not to mess up my life by doing something carnal and uncalled for.
but they said no. it is so
we finished watching Saber Marionette J on dvd today. i've watched it before, but i never realized how sad its ending is. i was too young probably.
or maybe i just think it's sad because
Hotaru said that happiness is when you pause and think, "it's great to be alive." hearing that made
pause and think. am i happy?
the answer is no. i am not happy. i am not weepy, kill-me-now sad. i don't break down sobbing as i go through my day. but i am certainly unhappy. and i've never felt as lonely.
i'm going to see him tomorrow. there's no helping it. the world we move in is much to small for me to even try to run away from him.
don't get me wrong. i
want to see him. but i don't know what i should say to him. i don't know how i ought to act. after all, we
been officially cut down.
it isn't logical for us to end. how much could he disrupt my life, after all, when i've been with him for three years? i'm so used to him it's more distracting to lose him.
i saw him today, as i expected. and we talked. we talked about what we ought to do. because i don't want us to end, but i don't want to hurt my parents either. call me a goody-goody or what, but i don't.
but i don't want to lose him either. five years is an awfully long time to wait. and a lot of things can happen in five years.
so we decided to go ahead. no matter what happens. because we believe in ourselves enough to know that we can do it without ruining the rest of our lives.
it's funny. i was so upset the past friday. and now it seems that everything is back to normal. it's like what happened last friday never did happen. and to think that all weekend i was sulking because i kept thinking that we will never be the same again. what a joke.
i was so afraid of losing him.
but sometimes recently, i get afraid of him. it's not that he hurts me or anything of the sort. but sometimes i feel as if the only reason he loves me is for my body. people tell me otherwise, but still...
it is wednesday and it's my day to come home early for my dippy 5th grade brother who can't even/ stay in the house alone. i know i wasn't allowed to, but i invited John2 (previously "him") to come over for a while. it's not like we would let anything happen. i just like having him around.
so he went and we fooled around, played with the teddy bear he gave me last christmas and ate what food was here. and we fliched at every sound that indicated that someone was coming, because he was not supposed to be here.
i was happy today. and it didn't have anything to do with him at all. which is good. i'm starting to realize that so much of what happens in my life depends on him. there are other thing in life. and i shouldn't let my world revolve around him because sooner or later, he's going to leave anyway. it's inevitable. either he'll leave me for somebody else or he'd die (hopefully of old age)either way, he
leave me. unless, of course, i die first.
but one thing i learned is that i could survive perfectly well without him.
i have almost the whole day free, and i usually go to AREA51 to hang out, but Ix, my neighbor and first love, insisted that we walk home. even though what happened between us was all over, i still value him a lot. so i walked with him.
it was very awkward. it has been a very long time since i was last alone with him. so i kept chattering like an idiot just to fill the silence between us. for some reason, even though it's over and i have someone new, i still want him to like me. desperately.
yesterday's events still running through my mind. playing PW for three hours left me wondering what i'll do next, though i won't be playing until monday.
there's something else.
ix told/ me i shouldn't be shy in area51 anymore, considering what i do there. i don't know if he was kidding, but it hurt. i don't know what they think i do, but i haven't done anything that he hasn't(except for pissing sitting down, joshua pointed out). still, it hurt to know he thinks that way. as i said, i want him to like me. i need him to.
i had my period today. i have to admit i was kind of relieved. it's not as if anything happened between us, you know. but i do get paranoid.
i haven't heard much from him lately. well, not since friday. i know it hasn't been that long but i missed him. and he's starting to feel inattentive. maybe it's all because he's been unusually attentive recently, and he started going back to his old self.
or maybe i'm feeling a little jealous because jet is being sooo sweet to reg, and i don't remember john2x ever treating me that way.
coming home with ix has become a part of my day. it's not that it's a really big deal, but i'm really enjoying talking to him, even though it's still quite uncomfortable, and i still feel awkward.
he is pushing john2 into the back burner.
it's not that he's taking john2's place in my life, because he's not. in many ways, i still prefer john2. i can relax around him. and i know he adores me, and that he will do anything for me.
it's not as if i feel anything special for ix. i don't. i don't. i don't.
my life these days consists mostly of class and playing PW. and i'm enjoying it. i am enjoying life with guys--without both ix and john2.
i didn't see much of ix today. i don't see much of him anyway. so it's ok.
but i didn't see much of john2 today either. which was weird since we're usually at the same place at the same time anyway. and i remember now, i did see him. quite a lot. it's just that we never had the time to really
together. and when i think of it, it seems like we never did.
he's not paying attention to me at all.
ok. so maybe it's my fault because i play PW a lot these days. but i only play when he's not around.
ok, so i don't stop when i'm playing and he comes in. so? he doesn't own me. besides,
don't make him stop when
we don't have the time for each other anymore. not like last sem when my world revolved around him. and i didn't have a life that didn't include him. and i felt like i couldn't survive without him.
i like it much better now.
i'm having my birthday on saturday. i don't know why im announcing it. it's still two days away.
he said he'll take me out to dinner tomorrow. i'm not sure. not because i don't want to. it's not because my parents won't allow me to either. i can always lie about it.
the problem is that i don't really trust his word anymore. there have been so many times that he didn't keep his promises that i'm afraid to look forward to anything anymore, for fear of being disappointed.
i'm sorry. but i'll never forget how much broken promises hurt.
he didn't keep his promise. he totally forgot. i knew this was going to happen. still, i hoped it wouldn't.
i am hurt. i am also pretty mad. that's strange isn't it? i don't get mad. i just get hurt and keep it to myself until i get over it.
it said, "a lot could be said about bottling emotions. you could do it for so long and so deeply that pretty soon, you wouldn't feel anything at all."
i tried to tell myself it didn't hurt. he always did that anyway. but it didn't help. not at all.
"please go away."
i want to tell him that so badly. because he's hurting me. he's hurting me so much i can't even see the keyboard because my vision is so blurred with tears. i don't know why i'm crying. it's a stupid thing really, but it really hurts that he doesn't even know
am i not important? is he so used to having me around that he takes me for granted? is he so sure of himself that he's breaking promises right and left?
of course, i'll never have the nerve to ask him.
some birthday this is.
i guess i can't stay mad at him for long. after a couple of remarks about his irresponsibility, and many apologies from him, i gave in. and we're back in happy couple land. i guess.
i had a pretty strange 20 questions with BJ. he is past, and i have accepted that. so why is he all of a sudden telling me these things that i don't need to know? it's confusing. and just when we're having problems too.
i am glad he told me because i wanted to know. but coupled with the rest, i almost wish he didn't.
even though i say we're fine, i know we're not. because there's still this tension. and there's still this bitterness. and there's still this part of me that refuses to trust him again. maybe it's all me.
he's jealous of BJ. to think he's never even met him. to think he never knew who BJ was to me. i wish he wouldn't be. he has no reason to be jealous. past is past. and besides, he doesn't own me.
and besides, i like him. i like him more than i like BJ. i like him more than i like anybody.
i had to watch Tribu at the Auditorium til 9 PM. saying that i had to watch didn't mean that i didn't want to, nor did it mean that it wasn't good, because i did and it was.
he wasn't going to watch but he said he'll wait for me if it wasn't too late. and i was glad that he offered, but i was probably going to stay out too late, and i said so.
he didn't wait.
i was less disappointed than i thought i would be. i am more used to him breaking promises than i thought.
i am afraid. i really hate to say this, but i am afraid of him. i am afraid of what he can do. to me.
i know he loves me. and i'm sure he means it when he says it. and i know that he'll never do anything to hurt me.
there are times when i doubt if he could control his urges. i mean, after all, he
a guy. and i
and a lot of things can happen.
and if anything does, i would certainly be on the losing side. no matter what.
i finally reached level 19 in PW. reg and jizza have been pestering for soooo long.
i have begun thinking of this conversation some time ago. maybe it reflects what i really feel about him:
them: does he make you happy?
them: do you like him?
them: why the hell are you with him?
me: i have no idea.
and i could just see their jaws dropping to the ground.
i don't really know. maybe it's simply because i want to. i want him to be happy. maybe in the way that i can't be.
so i'm a slut?
just because we act like we're a couple even though we're not?
so i'm a slut?
it's not as if we
want to be a couple. we do. it's just that the idea was vetoed.
so i'm a slut?
just because i don't have the freedom to do what i please, nor the guts to go against my parents' wishes.
so i'm a slut?
just because i'm not cute and perky, and we've been together longer.
i'm a slut. and you're not? because you're allowed to be with him and i'm not. it's not fair.
i missed being with a group of girls. but still, it feels different.
it feels strange that they are all carrying shoulder backs. mine's a backpack. they're all wearing skinny jeans or skirts. i am wearing baggy pants. i guess i
really different from them.
a textmate commented too. he said that it's alright, even good, to be girly. i felt insulted. i guess in a man's world, a girl has to work like hell just to be considered pretty. i don't want to be seen as pretty only when i primp. it's gross. it's tiring. it's unfair.
i hate it when he falls asleep while we're talking. but i feel guilty when i get upset. or rather, he makes me feel guilty.
of all feelings, i hate guilt the most. i hate guilt. i hate the way it makes you feel like you owe a person. i hate the way you feel like you've done something wrong. especially when you know you haven't. i hate it.
and i hate the way feeling guilty makes me try to forget the hurt. and i hate the way it makes me forgive him. each and every time he hurts me.
BJ texted and asked me if i could tutor him on math. i said yes. and he went off to treat me to McDo to return the favor.
i hate/ being treated. i hate it when people buy me stuff. especially if i don't know them that well. only two people are allowed to treat me regularly: reg and john2.
i hate being treated. i hate it because it makes me feel like i owe them for it. i know it's their "treat" and all, but still. i don't like feeling like people have some sort of hold over me.
i am spending quite a lot of time with BJ recently. it's nice that john2 doesn't get jealous. really.
ok. so it's not. i'm disapointed. not that i go with BJ to make john2 jealous, but still, it would have been nice if he showed the slightest reaction, not just the occasional grunts of, "sure, sure, fine, fine" without even taking his eyes off his DotA game.
i wish he wouldn't take me for granted. or maybe it's all me again.
i know it's wrong, but i can't help but compare him to other people. and he always falls short.
maybe i overreacted. maybe i did. maybe i did.
but hearing someone special tell you that you're a pain hurts.
i'm sorry if i am because i can't help it. i'm sorry if i want your attention. i'm sorry if i feel hurt when you take me for granted.
i'm sorry i'm a pain. i'm sorry i want to be with you more than you want to be with me. i'm sorry if i'm too dependent. i'm sorry if you're sick of my company. i'm sorry if you want this to be over.
but as of this moment, it is.
i know i said it was over, but i know i can't do it. because i've thought of it before, and i was never able to. we've been together for three years. how time flies when you're in love.
i've always been waiting for him to get sick of me. maybe like the way that everyone i loved did. and the moment i realized that he never will is probably the moment i fell in love with him.
of course, we're too young to really be in love. in the meantime, i'll believe that we're meant to live happily ever after.
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