I open a new set of contact lenses and wear them to work. I buy some eye drops to see if that helps cope with air conditioning. People look at me funny. I look at them funny because the lenses feel weird. I go to the park for lunch with Andy and we sit in the sun. Back at work I take out the lenses and put my glasses on. I plan to wear them for some time every day and get used to them. I work until the usual time and get the train home then drive to Andy’s.

I want to go home early but I leave at about 2pm. I wash a load of clothes and hang them out. I hem Nick’s other new pants and take out the recycling. I fill the dog’s biscuit tin, pick up dog poo and pull out some weeds. I have a shower. Pieter doesn’t front the whole afternoon. Andy cycles over and we walk Mellow. I am relieved Pieter is now home. I feed the pets and put dinner on. Nick goes out wearing his new clothes. It rains on the washing. Andy goes home and I watch a movie.

I wash clothes and do a huge wash up. I check out the whipper snipper. I mow the grass and pull weeds. I drop Nick at the studio to rehearse and pick him up. I drive him to a friend’s. I walk Mellow. Aaron calls to report on Nanna. I put some beers in the freezer and they get cold very fast. I have a pain in the left of my pelvic region and yesterday I had the anxiety again. I change my sheets and fold up clothes, cook dinner, talk to Andy on the phone and go to bed.

The extra doona is a bit hot. I realise when I wake I am wearing the t-shirt I wore all day yesterday, the one I wore to mow and walk the dog. I get straight in the shower. I have the usual day at work. I change into pyjamas and cook dinner. I change again and take the dog for a long walk by the river by moonlight. I watch a bit of TV, do a load of washing and wash the dishes. I have a shower and go to bed. Nick is using my computer, because his is broken.

I don’t wear the contact lenses again. I really don’t think I can. I am sick of my glasses frames but the lenses are still good. I buy a card that is perfect for Aaron to give to Heidi for her birthday. Andy comes over for dinner and Aaron to pick up the card and stays for tea too. I am swinging between calling it tea and dinner. I abandoned tea in a pathetic attempt to fit in with people I don’t know. It does help to use the local lingo if you wish to avoid drawing attention to yourself.

Andy goes home. I wrap Heidi’s present. I do the financial forecasting at work, it’s not a good year to date result I’m afraid. In the afternoon when that’s finished I go to the post office to mail Heidi’s present and buy a money order for work. I call by the Haymarket Library and reserve a book (I love that place). I bring home a spare laptop because Nick has been sharing my computer while his is being repaired, but he has got it back today. He uses it to order pizza and I put some beers in the fridge.

I don’t pack my lunch today. I don’t want to spend a lot on buying it so I eat a little can of salmon I found in my drawer. I also buy a muesli bar from the vending machine. I catch an earlier train than usual and it is half empty. I buy milk on the way home because we are out and I intend skipping the grocery shopping. I want to watch the Media Watch special on TV. I phone to check on the wool delivery. When I get home it is there. I attempt a thumb cast on.

I return the spare laptop to work. Andy and I have lunch at a café in the city. I can’t help feeling there are more than two of us whenever we are together, a whole crowd in fact, not only his wife and family but the anonymous strangers. I am the only one who knows they are there. He can’t see them, and they don’t know about me. He tells me he has to go out to dinner with his wife tomorrow night and so can’t walk the dog as usual. I think “good,” while knowing that can’t be right.

I wake at about 2am when Andy goes to the loo and can’t go back to sleep for ages. It is the first time I can’t sleep there. I leave early and drive to the Metro to do the grocery shopping. Andy can come with me to walk the dog after all. The family bird has tragically died and so dinner is cancelled. I regret their loss, but find I am glad he can come to walk the dog. I have been sad all day but recover in the evening. I hear Nanna is being made comfortable until she goes.

I awake to rain and miss Andy. I think Nick is OK although I have been worried about him. He doesn’t seem to be talking to me but I don’t expect him to until he turns 20. I love Sundays. I love it that I don’t write it like this: Sunday’s. It is Heidi’s birthday. It is mother’s day. I get a call from Tracey that Nanna has died and I call Heidi, Aaron and Peter. Dad arrives at Heidi’s when we are talking. I take Nick to rehearsals then walk Mellow then pick Nick up. I start Heidi’s cardigan.

I am asked if I had a good weekend and I say yes to everyone except for one guy whom I burden with large portions of my life story. This is what I have been saying to myself: don’t worry about what people think of you; it is never too late to change; don’t sweat the small stuff. On other days I cut off each finger joint by joint and hack myself with an axe until I am a bloody mess. I think I should talk to someone about this or avoid situations where I start to cut and hack.

I go to work. I tell Tony, who is in one of his socially awkward moments. He responds he is sorry but it is not that I wasn’t expecting it. I hear word that the funeral is Thursday. Andy comes for dinner. Never having cared for people, and people never having cared for me, am I some kind of sociopath. Not knowing how to befriend, and swinging between trying too hard and not trying at all. I am still doing it. At the moment I am hanging back after a brief spell of trying to fit in and be normal.

I see Andy off and he shouldn’t mind my getting off the train early at Central to buy a ticket for the XPT home from Orange tomorrow. I can’t concentrate at work and leave early and pack and have a snack that I don’t really need. Aaron picks me up at about 5.30 and we drive to Orange. We stop at Blackheath for fish and chips and I feel a bit full and don’t enjoy them much. We listen to the walkman and discuss the songs we do and don’t like. We go to Heidi’s where we stay the night.

I restart the cardigan as I think it will be too small. Heidi walks Angus to school. We drive to the church for the funeral, then on to the cemetery. Orange is beautiful at this time of year, although cold. We gather back at the church hall for tea, soup and sandwiches and end up having to dash off to pick up Angus from school in time. I change and Aaron drops me at the station to catch the XPT to Sydney. I would love to have someone meet me as there are no cabs. I take the train home.

I wake with a sore throat, and make a cup of tea with honey and lemon. I wonder why there are trucks in the street until I realise it is not Monday but Friday and garbage day. I meet Andy for lunch and we walk to the Pumphouse. I go back to work and then to the Agincourt for an hour, back to work to pack up and head home. There’s a notice from the library in the letterbox to say the book is in. I stop at the bottle shop for a bottle of red and head for Andy’s.

I have a restless night with a very sore throat. Andy makes me a cup of camomile tea and later another one with breakfast in bed. I sleep in and read The Three Muskateers while he goes out for a little while to do some banking. I get up and go some time in the afternoon. I have a shower and make toast for lunch. Andy drives over later and we walk the dog. We drive Nick to meet up with friends. I cook sausages, eggs, tomato and mushroom for tea. Andy goes home and I go straight to bed.

I spend the morning putting on loads of washing and hanging them out. In between loads I do griddlers and catch up with Facebook. I do the grocery shopping, put it away and walk the dog. It’s a beautiful day and I think I should spend more time outside. I make soup for tea and while it cooks wash the huge pile of dishes there since Thursday. I pick up Nick and he’s as informative as ever. The sore throat is gone but I am still coughing and my nose starts to run. I let Pieter in for the night.

I wake early feeling hot and with a cough and runny nose. I get up and make some tea with honey and lemon. I decide to stay home even though I have meetings at work. I do some trimming in the garden and some more washing. It is another lovely day. I drive Nick to rehearsals and make a beef casserole. Nick texts he’ll be finishing late and not to cook dinner for him. We stop at KFC for his dinner on the way home. I watch TV and knit and decide the pattern is not right for the cardigan.

I wake after a solid sleep and have a shower but cough so much decide to stay home again. I phone Andy and work and the doctor. I have breakfast and drive the short distance to the doctor. Two of them are off sick with a cold too. The doctor suggests lemon wedges, and honey on the back of my tongue. I start Heidi’s cardigan for the third time, changing the pattern. I watch the Spaced DVDs which are strangely in black and white. Andy comes over for dinner and stays the night. I feel kind of high with fever.

I pack my lunches, fruit and a bottle of water and go back to work. I catch up on emails and open the surprisingly large amount of snail mail and do the most urgent work. I don’t feel so great in the morning but come good after lunch and stay until the usual time. Nick and Mellow get drenched on a walk. I give Mellow a vigorous towel rub which he loves. I cook sausage sandwiches for tea and do some knitting and watch TV. I am happy at last with the cardigan and it is knitting up very quickly.

I meet Andy at the station and have a cosy trip in to work. Today I feel almost fully well for the first time in a week and I get a lot of work done. I go to two budget meetings and wonder if they can tell how little I am informed of. I catch the earlier train home and pick up the shopping bags and list and drive to the Metro. I forget to buy Nick new undies again. I meet Andy in Aldi. I go home, unpack, cook tea and wash up. The bins are not yet out.

I knock over the glass of water I have beside the bed and lose most of it down the back of the bedside table. I see we aren’t putting our bins out this week. I meet Andy for lunch and we have a beer and a burger at the pumphouse tavern, then a ride on the ferris wheel. We have another beer and wait for the rain to stop to go back to work. I leave late and meet Andy when we get off the train. I go home and feed the pets and drive to his place for dinner.

I spend most of the day at Andy’s. He makes me a cup of tea in bed again(!) He has to go to the post office. While he is out I read in bed for a while then fall asleep. I go home mid afternoon and shower and do some chores. We both walk Mellow later and Andy stays for dinner and we watch some TV. My channel 10 now has a very bad reception. I think my TV is too old. I don’t tell him I plan to go to work tomorrow because I don’t want to justify it.

I wake very early and play on the Internet for a while. It is spelt with a capital letter, just as God is. I have breakfast and catch the 428 bus in to work. I hope four hours will be enough time. It is. I heat up a pie I have brought in for lunch. I catch the bus to Newtown and buy a 4.5 cm circular knitting needle then catch the 428 back home. I walk Mellow, cook tea and wash the dishes. After tea Andy phones and I try out the new needle and watch a Spaced DVD.

I get up early and hang out a load of washing. I have weetbix for breakfast and pack leftovers for lunch. I dress for summer in a skirt because the days are still quite warm and I am sick of being too hot. I eat lunch while I work and catch the later train home. I buy a packet of cheese and onion chips at the station. Nick is out and at rehearsals and I drive to his friend’s to pick him up before having a toasted sandwich for tea. I watch TV and knit and go to bed late.

I get up late, for me, shower and have breakfast. I walk to the station and catch the train to work. I work through the list I made on Friday. I refuse to help another department that is short staffed, figuring I can’t spend the time I saved by working on Sunday helping someone else and get behind again with my own work. I leave work when I finish sorting out some filing. I pad the end of the bed where Andy always bangs his leg, wash up and cook dinner. We go to sleep early. It is still hot.

Andy goes home and I get ready for work and take in my knitting. I have itchy skin and wonder if I am using any new product. I have a coffee with Chrissie. I toast a sandwich for lunch before going to knitting circle. I leave work at the usual time and stop at the bottle shop and buy three long necks. I have one and ask Nick if he wants one (yes) and he orders pizza for tea. Andy asks what I had and I lie, mashed potato and meat. Nick fills in his next TAFE course application form.

I drive Nick in to TAFE. At lunch time Andy and I go to see his band play their first gig. We have a sandwich at the ABC café, we go to my office to pick up Nick’s application form and we go hand it in. I drive home early, pick up Nick and drive to the Metro. I look at some clothes and some shoes, buy the undies and some corner shelves for the plate cupboard. There are two girls working in Tek’s who are bickering so much I ask if they are sisters. I cook kebabs and rice.

I wake early again although not as early as yesterday. I put on a load of washing and wash the dishes and have a cup of tea. I go to work and we have a training session on trauma and fatigue awareness and management followed by lunch at Red Chilli. My credit card it declined so I pay. Back at work I put in a reimbursement request. I stay until the usual time. I meet Andy off the train and he wants to kiss too much and it shits me and I double back and buy a bottle of wine.

I want to go home but I stay too long and end up getting depressed. I take Mellow to the vet and get anti-inflammatory medicine for a suspected sprained elbow and he is to rest for five to seven days. I can’t move and have a long shower then go back to bed in my dressing gown. I make dinner and nurse the cat and then have a bath and read and have a glass of red and some cheese. The bath is too hot and I sit on the side until I get cold. The dishes are not done.

I sleep in and waste the day in a stupor. I only manage to wash and dry some clothes and fold up a few things. I make sandwiches for lunch that make me feel ill. I finally do some knitting and watch a DVD. I figure a laugh will do some good and it does. I have decided to become vegetarian but cook a piece of corned beef because I have it in the fridge. I drive Nick to a friend’s house and drive home again. I drink some wine and plan to leave the dishes again. I don’t care.