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I took a stroll down memory lane before I slept. As always it never fail to make me sad and cry. Wasn't it just that morning of our last day, we were lying on each other's arms? Then we bought some food and ate them on your house. Afterwards we watched movies all afternoon while I was lying with my back on top of you on the recliner. You'd complain how heavy I am. Night came, we talked on that same place we decided to break up months ago for the same reason. I tried and I cried, still...
Sometimes, life could be unpredictable. Here we are with our bodies next to each other. I felt your bare skin against mine as you hugged me. You kissed me as if you meant it. We fell silent, you're confused and I'm not trying to think or convinced you. We preferred not to talk about it and just cherished the moment.
This will be the last,
I said to myself. I wouldn't expect or hope that what we did meant something for you. But somehow I want to know. And I wanted to tell you that
I'm still waiting for you..
I love you when you're away. I don't feel anything when we're together. I keep looking for you when you're not around. When you're there I looked the other way. You see why I can't move on? It's because I don't really know what I want. Ask me if I still love you, I would answer yes but not whole-heartedly meant. I can't say no either. You know what's the problem between the two of us? We keep looking for things other than what we have. Maybe if you'd just appreciate me as I am, you wouldn't think of her..
Grown ups- they think too high of themselves just because they're older.
You're still boarding the train to life while we're already traveling back. We know life's reality better than you,
as they often say.
On what ground do they based that- experiences?
Let's say a man was born rich and lived the rest of his life in paradise. A child was born exactly the opposite of the rich man, deprived of life's pleasures. The child struggled to live a comfortable life and managed to step up the pedestal in his teen years. Who is more experienced regarding life's reality?
So this is what we call foul play. It was nothing for me first time it happened. But today I think I bumped my head. Slowly I'm feeling ashamed of what we are and what we turned out. Ashamed that I don't even have the slightest effort to stop it and I myself wants it. I'm not your dummy which you could play with. Hold me now, kiss and fuck me whenever you want. Someday you'll see, I'll have the guts to leave you. And to step out of your life completely.
Until then, perhaps I could be your dummy...
On a four-cornered room located way up above the ground is where I am. A single bed with a pillow and a blanket are all that's in here. Every morning dust particles can be seen from the beam of light through the small rounded window. And every night cold breeze comes in. The room's quite old with its walls cracking and the paint wearing out. In here I live for how long I don't know. And in here I'll be until a knight will come to free me. Until then I'll just sit here and wonder why I'm still alive.
Here it goes, some late night's blues. I hate them. I hate the fact that they are in good terms with him while I don't when in fact I had the closest relationship with him. And I hate them for still entertaining him like I'm not their friend. They should have stayed away from him! Sometimes I feel like they're going behind my back, like they're consoling him and helping him to get closer to her. I wish they were a little considerate of me. He hurt me, they did nothing to comfort me. What are all of you for?
It was midnight. The full moon seems so near that I feel like I can reach it. It's alluring me. The numerous sparkling stars seem to join the moon from calling me. Before I knew it, I was outside facing the woods. I run towards them. Many a times, I stumbled upon my evening gown. Then I realized I was running bare-footed. But I didn't care. It didn't hurt. I feel so light. My long wavy hair flowed with the wind. I continued to run until I reached a clearing where the moon seems just right in front of me.
I stood there before a glistening lake. The cold breeze soothed my wretched soul. I fell on my knees with tears burning my cheeks. I see the moon, the stars and a girl in torn clothes. In my haste, I didn't noticed the thorns gashing my dress. Suddenly, my ears caught a faint melody-- it grew louder. It lifted me up. I find myself floating amidst the lake. Everything seems so enchanted, it was a moment of bliss. I danced to the rhythm with my silhouette against the middle of the moon. Everything seemed to synchronized with my breathing.
I spun like a ballerina with my hands on the air and my feet tip-toed. I glided in mid-air for how long I'm not aware. Every time I moved, magic dusts sprinkled in the air. They glistened like stars in different colors. I can see the notes of the melody surrounding me. The trees and the flowers seemed to sway with glee. The night was deep yet everything seems so alive. Until golden rays peak from behind the mountain and the deep blue sky turned crimson yellow. Suddenly I, alone, bare-footed and torn, stood on rough earth facing the reality.
We were together but I know your mind's with her. You're probably wishing that I were her. Well I'm wishing that too though I hate her. I've been wondering when this will stop. I haven't had the courage to do it so you'll need to initiate. And maybe you did it today. A kiss and make-up tale won't just do for a love story. So maybe today will be the last. These words I long to tell you will never find their way out. But who knows? If what's meant to be is really meant to be, everything will come naturally.
I'm not idealistic. I just want to see the world the way I want it. My eyes are open to the harsh reality, it's just that my mind is too small to absorbed them.
I'm a prisoner of my own mind. It was I who created this barrier between me and the world. It is my will to not let anyone enter my bubble. In here, I'm trying to search for myself before searching for somebody else.
I'm taking my time to heal myself. So please don't interrupt or make things worse. I'm fed up. And I'm blaming you all.
We agreed to meet at dinner but I was really in no mood on facing them. So I walked out and looked for another company. And cried.
I'm in pain. I needed some shoulders to cry on, some warm hugs and healthy advices from my closest friends. But they were there, on the other side with him.
Then they would ask me what's wrong with me?! I just nodded and tried to smile but I was thinking of throwing the table to them and walking out again.
It's so ironic to call you friends when I needed you, you weren't there.
I find myself wearing a balloon dress with an apron. There were three buttons in my chest leading up to my neck where a red lace was ribboned. My curly hair and bangs dangled underneath my hat with a quill tucked on it. I felt my sweat landed on my long eyelashes. The thick make up is wearing off.
It was dark where I am until something rolled up before me which appears to be a red curtain. I can see unfamiliar, smiling faces anticipated as they looked at me. There were music and loud applauses. Then everybody felt silent..
My hand suddenly raised and my mouth opened. Just then that I realized there were strings attached to my wrist, elbow, feet, knees, and lower jaw.
Some odd looking dolls and toy animals joined me in the stage. They too have strings attached to them.
I am a puppet. We are. Controlled.
We were singing and dancing in circles. Each one forced to smile. Some puppets come and go while I still remain.
The show is tiring, I desperately want to break free. But the strings were tougher than they looked. My wrists are bleeding as I struggled to free myself.
What's the price for freedom?
It was already past nine when we headed home. They were so noisy while I'm slumped back at my seat with my earphones on. I am feeling so cold. I distracted myself by watching the city outside. It seemed to be so peaceful with its city lights like stars-- so warm and inviting.
We passed through a tunnel and I became more amused by the dim yellow lights lining the subway. The bus was moving fast that they looked like a line of light that seemed to stretch forever heading to who knows where.
I closed my tired eyes..
Sweat drips and hush sounds. Feel the body rush. Soft moans and hard kisses. Bodies merge in one. Don't worry my dear, they can't hear. The party's wet and wild. We'll have fun tonight.
I hugged him, he hugged me back. Just another moment I wished was true. I slid down to his lap and fell asleep there. I woke up feeling groggy. He was still holding my hand. I sat up, then he lay on my lap. I caressed his back and tried to search for that feeling in my heart. By then I know I don't love him anymore. There's just something holding me back.
Well hi there to my friends at the other side of the glass wall. I'm sorry I just half-smiled at you two. I'm sorry I didn't mean it. I'm sorry I can't force myself to sincerely greet you. I'm sorry I forgot to invite the two of you. I'm sorry that I lied. I didn't forgot at all, I just don't like. Sorry for my rudeness. I'm sorry for being aloof. I'm sorry I don't like you. I'm sorry I still felt bad. Sorry I can't pretend to be nice. I'm sorry that I am not really sorry at all. :]
It's been a long time since we were young and so naive. Well look how we've changed. I'm not the same little good girl I used to be. How about you?
Remember the first day we met? Your family picked us up and welcomed us at the dock when we arrived from our province. We were wearing the same dress only yours is green and mine is pink. My mom bought it at our place and your mom doesn't have an idea I will wear the same.
It's been so long. Happy 18th birthday my dear cousin! Enjoy your life.
I woke up enfolded in your arms as we huddled in the thin sofa we tried to fit in. You were so high with the drug of lust and I am too weak to resist you. Outside hang dark clouds while we lie here silent and safe in our own world. Just like the old times, we'll sleep together during lazy afternoons, only way back then it was sweeter with love.
Of course it wouldn't always be like this. Someday we'll be gone. And when that time comes, I will miss your lips and everything attached to it.
Iím Melissa, the princess of the neverheard kingdom situated far away from your imagination and unknown to anyone except me.
I can ride the clouds and pick up stars. I can sprinkle snow anytime I want. I can watch the sun rise and set for a hundred times a day. I can cradle on the crescent moon and fall asleep in deep slumber.
I can fly with the birds and play with the butterflies. The flowers all bloom for me. The leaves sway as I sing them sweet melodies.
Iím a princess and only I knew what Iím talking about.
Sometimes, I really feel like slapping someone on the face. Here goes my mood again! I just can't help it. Whenever I see or hear anything about that
my temper would just surge up. And if you noticed my sudden silence, donít bother ask me why. Just leave me alone or else youíll be unlucky enough to taste my outburst.
If Iím acting suddenly cold and aloof, donít ask me why. I expect you to figure it out by yourself. I dislike confrontations. Talking is tiring, explaining is tiring, arguing is fun but Iíd rather contemplate on my own.
I found some dusty letters that has been stuck with the rest of some old papers on a box under my bed. It was from a very close friend of mine back then. We were very inseparable way back. Youíll find me where youíll find her. Sheís the kind of friend whom I can laugh with all day. We just canít run out of things to laugh at. Now, for some reasons we feel like strangers. After I read her letters I realized that she had put so much trust in me. Something I had never gave back to her.
I left the house early thinking this is going to be a one good day which turns out to be the exact opposite. The sun was shining high. There were lots of people here and there. I was involved in a fight with someone I shouldnít have. It was someone with a high authority who could ruin my happy days in college. We created a scene. People were watching. I won but I feel so ashamed and anxious for the rest of the day. I havenít done what I ought to have finished.
Iím all messed up. *big sigh*
To my dearest only one,
I am not your bitch. Do you really believe I like what weíre doing? Do you really think I am enjoying it? The truth is I feel so much disdain for you. I looked at you and tried to find that boy who taught me things I didnít know I could do. I canít. What I saw instead was a face of a person I barely know. I saw a perfect embodiment of pain and heartaches. Youíre the only epithet of suffering that I have only known so far. But youíre still my only oneÖ
I heard they broke up, an old friend and an old love of mine. I donít know if itís for real and actually I donít care much. I didnít feel happy or sad for them. Looks like Iím not the only one bleeding tonight. I wonder how much it really hurts her. Would it be more than what I am feeling? I wonder how many tears have she cried. Is it more than what I am crying?
Things like these really do happen to everyone. Then Iím not so alone. Then maybe Iíll see her too in dreamland tonight.
Here's a gift for you, a plastic full of
It has an instruction that says you need to enclose your head inside leaving out the oxygen. I hope you choke to death. Will he be there to save you? Of course he won't know. You've turned your back on him after making him fall in love with you. Do you love the chase, princess? Well I hope you're satisfied.
This is my revenge for going behind my back. I hope you choke with every word I've said. I'm going to make sure I will still win in the end.
Looking back a year ago, we're not the same as we used to. I can vaguely remember our good times. I can vaguely remember our love. I can not recall them that much just a few. I remember walking with you on the streets at 3 oíclock in the morning. I remember sneaking out and you sneaking in. I remember falling asleep and waking up in your arms just before the sun rises and the world outside was still. I remember walking under the rain holding your hand. And those times we nearly fell but managed to work things out.
I bet those times didnít even cross your mind even for just a while. But itís okay. This is how we live now. I know youíre fine about it now while itís so sad for me. And knowing you donít care makes it sadder. There are two options left for meóeither stay where I am or move on. For my own sake I have to choose the latter. Believe me it wasnít easy to say this though you will never hear this. I love you so Iím going to walk out of your life completely, once and for all.
I went home late and I have already eaten dinner outside. I ate again when I came home when I saw that there was roasted chicken. The next morning I found out there was ice cream. These things arenít ordinary in our house. I wondered if there was an occasion. Birthday? Certainly not. The motherís and fatherís day have long passed. Anniversary? Oh yes, I think it was my parentsí anniversary. As far as I know they have been together for seventeen years, still not that quite long. And I know quite not stable. And my dad wasnít at home.
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