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Now itís already August, just when I always said that time is so slow. And again, I havenít done anything worthwhile. I havenít kept my vow of forgetting him. The time that has passed still isnít enough. Actually things have turned good between the two of us lately. Weíre good friends, really. Just the other night I got drunk and we had quite a good talk. I told him some things. He apologized. He confessed heís confused though I think she still weighs more than me. He also told me that despite everything, he would still be here for me.
Dear Significant Other,
I donít know if youíre serious about me but I can assure you Iím
serious about you. I think weíre just the same. We are just trying to fill that space inside that has kept us empty. You felt guilty for her and you told me last week you are confused. And I, I still canít let go of him. I think Iím just trying to find what Iíve lost in you and you are just doing the same. But just to make it clear, Iím not using you to forget. Youíre not enough for that.
I have a
friend who just turned into a
She used to have a boyfriend for more than two years at the same time flirting with more than two guys. Now she left them all for a guy she just recently met. Theyíre good together and I can sense Ďloveí. But I feel bad for her former boyfriend, that guy who knew her other flings but never left her and is still waiting for her. I guess thatís why she chose this new guy, she knew that if everything fails she would still have something to land on.
It is Monday again, the day Iím waiting for. This time weíre going to have sandwich loaded with tomato, cabbage, onion, ham, and burger patty. We went to the supermarket and bought the things we needed then went back to their house. He had three-layered sandwich. I giggled as I watched him take big bites on his sandwich. While we had our stomach full, we watched movies again. We later then fell asleep as we often do. This routine might sound boring but this is how I would like to spend my Mondays or whenever possible. I couldnít just stop.
Walking with this couple who were my friends, I couldnít help but feel a little out of place and lonely. Out of place because they were like cuddling and kissing each other even in my presence. Lonely because I can see through them the lost relationship I had. We were once like this couple. We were once special. I miss it allóthe stupid sweet names we call each other, the warm hugs, the romantic kisses and meaningful glances. I guess Iím just being love sick. But I donít want a new relationship. I just want him back so badly.
As I felt out of place, I just engaged myself in my little world. I suddenly felt resentment to him and my significant other. Maybe Iím a little bit confused too. I know heís never coming back but I still donít want to give up. And this other guy is my chance to move on but he isnít enough to fill the space within me. Again, Iím not using him. Iím not doing any flirty moves or giving him hints that I like him at least none that Iím aware of. Anyway my point is I feel tired from both of them.
together as I am about to cross the street. It felt awkward but itís too late to retreat and change track. I just tried to distract myself and pretended doing something with my phone. I think he saw me and tried to greet me. I donít know, I didnít even bother to look up or look back. I didnít feel hurt or something. But I admit it made my mood go down. Not that Iím jealous or what, I felt a little disappointed with him.
Boy, what are we? Some kind of toys for you?
Just as I thought that things are getting better between the two of us. I read your blog, something I shouldnít have done. Of course I know that it will only hurt me. I just have this curiosity and need to know everything. After all this time itís still her. Well what am I expecting? You wonít miss me because Iím always here for you. Maybe thatís why you keep hurting me; you know that Iíll always just be here for you.
I know youíre miserable as I am. I want to comfort you only if Iím not hurting too.
Due to boredom or out of curiosity, you browsed profiles and stumbled upon one. You opened that personís entries and scanned it quickly. The more that you read, the more your interest grew. Then something snapped within you, a wild hunch or intuition. The words and the stories, theyíre quite real to you, a little familiar, a little like someone you knew. Shocked, disturbed, disgusted, angered, saddened or whatever you have felt you become curious to know if itís true. Youíve found some secrets, now are you going to ask that person?
My dear friend, what are you to do?
Hopeless as I am still wasting my time dreaming and hoping of you. I picture myself in your arms with your face wearing that happiness Iíve seen quite a long time ago. I wish to see that smile again. That smile whose reason was me. And if seeing that kind of smile, the smile of being with someone you treasure the most, would take that thing that I couldnít bear to happen, would I dare to take part? Would I step aside my selfishness to give way to your joy? Could I have the courage? Maybe. If itís for you.
August nights remind me of falling stars and blooming love but I can only live up to the memories tonight.
Hello there, itís me again. Please help me to heal myself. Make everything alright for the two of us. Things will all come naturally in your time.
In between my words came sobs across the room.
And God, whatever the problem of that man is, please also help him. Maybe he got more problems way bigger and tougher than mine.
I left the chapel quickly to give space to that man who may want to be alone in the altar.
My dear friend,
Iíve read your entries and thereís this one that caught my attention. I would like to assume that you are referring to me. If itís true, I was touched. Thanks for that little concern. Donít worry as I am tough. I know what I am about to go through again. Youíve seen me fall for the third time and I too hope that would be the last. Yes Iíve learned and am still learning. Maybe sometime weíll do a lot of catching up. And if anything goes wrong again, can I count on you this time?
A year goes by, a year had passed, a year you wish would restart.
A year ago, you hold his hand.
A year ago, you hold his heart.
A year ago he touches your hair, he kisses you and he still care.
Itís been a year and now itís gone. Itís been a year and still you want to go back..
I got this feeling that youíre doing this on purpose. Youíre ignoring me because she is ignoring you. You are blaming me for that and if she wonít notice you, you wonít notice me either. You fucking want me to know how it feels. Youíre fucking blaming me for everything. This fucking drama still is going. How I wish that everything would just fucking vanish and restart then I will fucking rearrange everything so that your fucking ass will stay where it should be. Youíre fucking heart will be under my feet and everything will be fucking fine.
Sheís gotten too far on raising his hopes. She canít feel the warmth of the loving arms embracing her. While the moment is quite a little romantic, she doesnít feel anything. Her eyes were dull as she stared into him. Her heart becomes a revolving door for this guy. Sheís going to hurt him again this time. She woke up the next morning with just a vague recollection of last night. Nothing really happened. All was just a childís game for her. Just as quickly as the candle sparked, just as fast as the flames in her heart burned down.
Have I been too much? Have I done something hurtful to them? Maybe yes, but not directly. They canít blame me, I was just too hurt to care about what they think. Have I been more or less a reason for breaking our bond apart? Sorry, I was just too hurt. They werenít there to back me down. They werenít even helping me. And werenít they there with him watching me drown? Okay enough of all the hating and blaming, I know they still donít understand. But there will be a time for everything. Everything will be settled in time.
Itís already September I havenít finished this batch. What am I to write? There are so many things I would like to speak out. Why do we have to vote for people we donít even know? I donít really see their purpose. Why does she keep annoying me without doing anything? Why is he being like that? Why does that cat keep roaming around? What was that eerie noise I heard the other night? Why am I not making any sense? Why can I only write if itís about him and I canít now because itís making me feel lonelier?
As she lay there in the familiar arms of a stranger she once loved so much, she begin to wonder why sheís still there. Sheís thinking of somebody else as she watched him sleep in deep satisfaction. Sheís stuck. And so is he. Everything is moving on and passing by except for them. Thereís someone new in her mind but she still canít leave this man behind. As far as I know, she had stopped hoping and dreaming but she still isnít getting anywhere. The waves that had crushed upon her are just tossing her back and forth.
For a very long time this is something new. You got me drawing hearts and scribbling your name on my papers. I feel some nervous tic within me every time I daydream of talking to you again. You got me anticipating chances of seeing you. I donít know, this maybe is just a little infatuation. It feels so good though to have something to look forward to, to know someone new. I want to enjoy the trance you got me in before the moment becomes just another of those thrown "what could have beenís" and before the feeling fades away.
Most of the entries here werenít written on that same day due to certain circumstances. Our access to the World Wide Web was cut for some time. Second, I have nothing to write. Third, I am becoming lazy. And fourth, I just donít have anything to write other than my stupid life. My entries are monotonous, I just keep writing about the same thing over and over and over again. Anyway that was one of the foremost reasons why I tried 100words that is to have an outlet of my so-called misery.
It was our first time to be together just the two of us and already I feel like weíve known each other for so long. It has been only a week since we had talked but we already knew many things about our lives. Itís quite funny because I never expected us to be like this. He was just some guy I knew and admired. Now weíre going out. The feeling is mutual and we both admitted them. It feels so good to feel like this again. I feel alive. The hands of the clock are spinning quickly again.
I am sorry but I am breaking your heart again. You just canít satisfy me or keep me interested in you.
You havenít changed a lot, do you? I am looking for some adventure; youíre giving me a dull chase. Iím bored of it. Come on, grow up a little.
Iím sorry if I had your hopes high. But I never did tell you that I like you. I liked the attention, right. I flirted? Right. You enjoyed it. You did it too. Besides you have another girl youíre flirting with. She seems more interested to you than me.
We agreed to have dinner together and I am to go straight to your house for some reason I didnít show up. Instead I went out with this new guy I have been admiring. I told you that Iím tired and just went home when in fact I am out there laughing with somebody else. I didnít regret it. I thought maybe this guy will be my way out. Out of you and out of this hole of misery you dug for me. I know I should have seen you, that was the last chance I have.
It should have been you, not him. For some reasons I chose to stay the whole night with him. Iíve come to think of real changes and new opportunities. Iíve come to think of moving on for real. A new affair is sprouting and I wonít deprive it from growing. Who knows this seed will be something good and will grow into something more beautiful than what we had. More real. Because Iíve come to think that maybe itís about time. I have been wishing for this for so long tooó- for something new. And I hope this would lasts.
She knows it and I think I know how. She knows my secrets I just hope she kept it to herself. She had read this. She knew it was me. By the words and the stories, she would really conclude that this is me.
This has been my sanctuary for my thoughts. In here I took refuge from the world when I have nobody to talk to. Iíd rather just write them down than to bother anyone who donít really understand. Besides itís hard to know who to trust now.
Oh hey, keep this a secret will you?
I enjoyed being with his cousins. The kids got me tired but it was fun. They were approachable and they like me. I was flattered when they answered that I was prettier than his former girl. Plus, they were so accommodating and entertaining. We played and they were always hugging me. They even wonít leave my side. The other kid was scolded because he just wonít stop pestering me. But itís alright, I really like it. I feel accepted.
I think itís also cute. We were like a family when I and he were sitting with the two kids on the couch.
He asked me what it is. He was right in front of me. I tried to feel my heart. There was nothing but this vague nostalgia and this realization that all we had will never be again. I felt this vague sadness because nothing will ever be the same again. But I have to settle this once and for all. Besides heís waiting outside.
I found it hard to say the words. I went back to my boyfriend and saw him walk by. I guess this is it. Weíre moving on.
Until next time, see you my only one.
It was only a week but it doesnít feel like it. It feels like weíve known each other for so long. Itís like you and me were just standing side by side all along but weíre too busy looking in opposite directions until weíve lost what we have been living for. The roads we chose to take have crumbled and we went back to find another way. Now weíre back to where weíve started and is about to start another journey but we're together in it this time. And we are going to make sure that everything will turn out alright.
Sometimes my regrets and wishes are crashing down on me. Most of the time I try to fight them. Sometimes I am able to overcome, but most of the time they win. My past and my mistakes are sinking down on me. Sometimes I regret you. Most of the time I just try not to think about it. I just wish that you are easy to forget or I am not that insignificant for you to easily thrash away. I have been nearing my lowest point of confidence and self-esteem. After what youíve done I felt like a mess. Worn-out.
I wonder why you picked me up. Yes, I have been wishing for this all along. Still things were so fast and I am starting to wonder if this is real. You are devoted, okay I can feel it. Youíre doing your part and I appreciate all of them. I should be grateful to you, well I am. Thanks for recycling some garbage in the old bin. You made me feel new. The problem is Iím still made up with the same old meójust polished and renewed. Still beneath it all, I know itís still the same old me.
With all due respect, I think youíre getting it wrong. It seems you blame too much and think too little. Itís quite insulting to know that you think of me that way. Iím very sure that we havenít done anything wrong. Also donít take it too much on him just because of your unverified reasoning. We are really innocent of your accusations and if you might ask me, if thereís something dirty going on in your house I can absolutely assure you that it wasnít us. I canít understand why youíre pointing at us when heís not your only son.
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