REPORT A PROBLEM
Heís my cure, like a drug that lifts me up. He gives me delusions and psychedelic dreams. Yet like any other drug, itís only a temporary high. After the ecstasy is over, here comes the dragging feeling of loneliness and wanting more. I want more to forget. To forget that I want to forget. And no donít get me wrong, Iím not treating him like a band aidójust something to cover my wound until it heals completely. Heís more like a medicine. As Iíve said, like a drug. Did I make any sense?
Actually as Iím writing this entry for some random date, itís already the second day of October. The reason why I have been left behind my 100words account is that I got tired of complaining. If ever anyone bothers to read mine maybe you have noticed the monotony. Well sorry for that and just stop reading them. Except maybe if you are suspecting me as someone you know. Feel free to satisfy your curiosity dear. Just shut your mouth. Anyway, the more I write about my thoughts, the more I feel them and the more they sink in me.
From now on Iím teaching myself not to look back when everything went wrong. And yes, mistakes are healthy. They bang your head to wake you up. If something stopped and died, you donít have to die with them too. I have to repeat this to myself: itís just either I stay where I am or move on to find my happiness somewhere else. So now Iím trying not to look back. I donít have to bring with me the pain. All I need are the lessons and the will to stand up again every time I fall.
Once in a while I get a bit nostalgic. There are just so many things around me that make me think of you and wonder. And once in a while I am wishing that you are thinking of me too...
To my only one,
I hate the way you crawl back to my nerves up to my head. I hate how you can still squeeze my heart the blood that once had flown freely in my soul. The blood that once gave me life and the love that I have ever wanted, now trying to break free from that small part in my heart where I am trying to contain them. Theyíve come up to my throat, choking me with loneliness again. I am missing you. I hope you still care but can you even still see me?
I regret it now. I should have chosen to be with you that night. I can be with him any time. I didnít think that that would be the last chance Iíll get to have you by my side. I shouldnít be saying this now because the more I type these words the more they become clear to me and the more they sink down on me. Youíve burned the bridge. I couldnít get into you now. So this is how it feels when you desperately want to talk to someone who treats you like you donít exist.
He said to her he wanted to surpass what her former love had done for her. She said that was sweet but he didnít know she cried. She cried not because she was touched. She cried because it made her realize more that he isnít still enough to fill that void in her heart that was still meant for him and only him. Sheís desperately trying to fit him in like fitting a triangle into a circle. Sheís happy but still sad. She isnít satisfied.
I was talking to a close friend of mine who was studying afar. We were talking about the future and how we want it to be. We made a deal about starting a business as soon as he reached eighteen and I have sufficed knowledge about accounting. After our talk my head was floating again somewhere else. My mind is set for big improvements that will make me a better person and a worthwhile life. Iím organizing my thoughts as I plan for my future. Another goal has been added to my to-do-and-must-achieved-goals. And Iím determined to finish them.
I canít deny the fact that Iím still affected by your name and anything attached with it. I can only try to dismiss the things people constantly tell me about you. And I just wish they would stop pestering me with childish jokes. I wonít deny that I still care because I donít know either. All I know is my mind would just automatically shut down when it comes to you. I still feel a little something I canít explain within me.
I canít deny that Iím still affected by you. I can only pretend that Iím not.
Two hours passed he still hasnít arrived yet. I was about to go home when I spotted him. I would normally have been very mad but for some reasons I wasnít. It seemed like I just didnít care enough or my anxiety faded when I saw him. I saw him first; he didnít notice that I was trailing him all along as he went looking for me frantically. As he quickly darted to search the place to see if I was still there I could tell he's worried. At last he turned around and I just greeted him with a smile.
I asked him to join me to church. As I knelt, he also knelt beside me, put his hands together and prayed. I chuckled and kidded him that since when did he learn to pray.
ďYouíre melting,Ē I added then I turned to look at the altar.
When I met him, he doesnít believe in God. Or in anything.
I joked him again.
ďLord, what happened to this person beside me?Ē
He smiled and told me to shut up because heís praying. And so silence fell. I prayed for this to lasts, and I hope he did too.
Is there something wrong with us?
What should I do when weíre together?
What more do you expect from me?
Nothing. Weíre just a bit too fast. But even if we were a bit too fast it would have been happier only if I feel strongly for you. And thatís the problem, I donít feel much for you.
If you leave me now, I wonít be that hurt. Not like with her. I know this sounds wrong but I donít feel much for you.
Right. So Iím not the only one with this dilemma. What are we to do now?
You walked with him three oíclock in the morning going to somewhere you both didnít know. The road he walked was paved with good intentions while yours crumbled with each step you took. And each time you faltered you clutch in to him. For all the times you were with him, your mind is with somebody else. Constantly you think of what could have been if he were him, you think it would be nicer. And constantly you feel lonelier the more he makes you happy. Because the more he makes you happy, the less you feel loved and satisfied.
I stumbled upon your name in my phonebook. I was tempted to leave you a message. I wanted to talk to youójust some plain conversation to build our bridge again. For the last week I realized that Iím looking for him what Iíve lost in you. And honestly, I canít. This is what makes me more desperate. Iím not sure of what I want. No, I donít love you anymore. Itís just that I donít love him either. Perhaps I just like him but not anything deeper than admiration. It feels lonelier having somebody else in your place now.
She wasnít drunk, just almost. Her head was in a spin and the stars felt near. It was that dizzy feeling again of wanting to fall knowing that there was someone who will catch her. But she doesnít want those arms now. Once she would have love faking a fall. Once when it was him, she would love to fall and he would catch her and laugh. Then he would scold her for her childish plays. She would just sneer naughtily. Now it was different.
She went home to her bed just like any other night and quickly fell asleep.
Would it be different if we took the time knowing each other? If we didnít give in way too fast, would we feel deeper than what we are feeling? Would our relationship be more alive rather than just having these plain monotonous talks? Could we be happier than this? Perhaps. Now what do we do? Go back. Could we? Then would going back means parting? Should we take our time by ourselves and think of what we really want? Then should we not meet and talk for sometime? What if we never came back?
Sweetie, weíre falling way too fast!
I canít concentrate! It irritates me that I canít focus on the things I should be doing. My mind seems to float among the clouds. Without the mind, one cannot move. My mind is not strong enough to manipulate my body. Iím quite distracted with my new found addiction and it isnít going to fade easily. Recently I grew fanatical with nonexistent things. You could say that Iím living in my own fantasies. I am just really sick of the real world you know. The world of fiction is less cruel and more accommodating for me.
I sneaked out past midnight and saw him sitting outside our house. He stood up to greet me and I scolded him for disturbing me at such hour. I have to hurry back before I get caught. I told him to go home a number of times while trying to keep my voice low.
He's just some average guy with really nothing to show off and I'm just some average girl who needs nothing. For these reasons weíre perfect.
Under the dim light, I hurriedly kissed him goodnight. I went home feeling this weird sudden longing to be with him again.
Inside the small room I sat watching these people banging their heads and screaming their lungs out. I watched as they moved with passion and energy showing their great love for music. I barely know them. They arenít the kind of people I frequent with and Iím stepping down my pedestal to know these people more.
After theyíve practiced, we spent some minutes outside talking and smoking. Iím really not used to this and this kind of Ďfriendsí. It was late and at that hour I should be safe home beneath that Ďsheltered worldí I grew up with.
As much as I wanted to be responsible and organized, the less those things would process in my system. I got in the mood of studying when the computer was occupied by my mother and my brother. But I wasnít able to finish anything because my head and my room was a total mess. I mostly spent my time looking among the mountain of papers stuck in my room. Fortunately I was able to find what I need. Unfortunately I still couldnít understand them. So I ended up scolding myself for not paying attention to class.
I was surprised to receive a message from you. I thought I was buried alive in your memory. You ask me how I was. I answered fine. It sounded fake. I ended the conversation because I know it will go nowhere. I donít want to betray him also. I am now learned enough to know when to stop. Why are you talking to me now? I donít want to hear anything about you. We canít be just friends. I am not ready yet. Maybe talk to me some other time. Or just call me when youíre feeling lonely.
Now it seems our relationship has turned into a constant Ferris wheel. We took a ride not knowing of what will happen or perhaps weíre not even sure of anything at all. Well except that Iím pretty sure someone would fall out or maybe both will do. And Iím pretty sure that my seat is approaching the ground, I might as well leave the ride. Maybe you do too. I donít know. As Iíve said we have been constantly spinning. Who knows you will be the first one to quit this game. For now Iíll just have to play along.
Continuation of entry #25
This maybe the reason why I invest too much on the way I look. I donít really care about what people think, I just want to look properly beautiful to satisfy myself. To satisfy my vanity. In the x-axis my self-confidence would be plotted left side. And never will it reach zero or positive one unless somebody would constantly shower me with flattering which of course must be just empty praises. I have this inferiority complex. Not that noone notices me, itís just that I just know to myself that Iím not good enough.
I was glad you still know me. Iím still the girl you left in pieces, only a bit smarter but not quite better. How about you? I forgot to ask, I wonít bother either. I care for you but it would just be better for me to know nothing about you. Sometimes it still hurts. Sometimes I still cry. I miss you my dear downfall, my sweetest mistake. I just hope you are happy now and I hope you want the same for me. Someday time will make it easier for me. Until then I just have to be patient.
I havenít been good enough at anything my entire life. Maybe except for one thing, Iím good at sucking. No double meaning please. Sure there are people who found me appealing or attractive or whatsoever, but really Iím just someone typical. Maybe among the typical ones, Iím among the attractive onesóstill typical. None would try to take a second look. I have never been good enough to somebody. They come and leave like Iím just a display mannequin. Pretty but worthless. Even at sports, arts or academics, I donít have something to distinguish me as someone outstanding and promising.
Would I want him back? More likely, no. I just hate the way things turned out and the way they ended. We took it all too fast, see now how we quickly fade. And maybe in just a little while everybody would forget about us. They wonít know there were once you and me. Would they even know we existed? And if we find each other face to face one day, would we even remember the way our kisses felt? Would we be able to look at each other the way we looked at each other before we fell?
Itís funny how I have been trying to shut you down to keep me from feeling lonely when it was you that I needed all along. For some reasons, I felt a burden was lifted from my chest when I got the chance to converse with you. I felt suddenly happy. I know it is still you. I have been running away just to find myself crawling back in your shadows. At the end of the day youíre still the home I shelter myself. Not that I want you back, maybe just some longing of the good bygone days.
I donít really understand myself at all. I donít know if I just donít know or I just donít want to admit things. Why am I sad? He left you. Why does it feel bad? Youíve been left again. Why do you feel lonely? You miss having someone to care for you. Youíre lost between the past and the present. Sooner or later you have to decide what you want. You have to face the ground again to know where you stand. And for you to know what to do. And for you to finally move on.
I have plenty of worries now. Now, we just broke up. I donít know if it hurts. But Iím sure it doesnít feel good. I didnít love him enough. I'm sure of that. But it does feel bad. As Iím typing this, heís saying his apologies. Heís even thanking me for what I donít know. I wasnít as true to him as he was to me. I hate this feeling. The screen is becoming blurry. Not now. I still got plenty of things to do and I have to wake up early tomorrow. But here they come. Damn these tears.
Right now I am supposed to write a reaction paper and nine issue memos (which I wouldnít be able to finish tonight). But Iíll have to take some minutes to write my thoughts. Iím feeling so bothered and disturbed about what reason I canít exactly point out. Perhaps the realizations I am having lately are all crashing down on me. I should have been, I should have done, I ought to be, and I ought to be not. Thereís a long list of phrases I could be able to fit in. Thereís a long list of regrets.
The Tip Jar