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It was pointed out to me today by a colleague, following the revelation of me having a crush on my physio, I may have a classic case of ďtransferenceĒ. Cue sparked interest in psychology, and a trip to the local bookstore to obtain a useful reference. Itís defined by Wiki as ďa phenomenon in psychology characterized by unconscious redirection of feelings for one person to another.Ē So itís probably true that Iím suffering from it to some degree. But is that such a bad thing? And is it strictly true because I had a crush on him before The Split?
I have mixed feelings about The Split. I feel sad, grieving for the loss. I want to drown my sorrows in the bottoms of bottles, as I now have a valid excuse for my alcoholism. I feel anger at how I put my trust in someone so completely, only for the deception to be revealed at the end. I feel angry for not being a better partner, for not achieving that level of perfection I expect and demand of others. I feel like itís a time of change, a chance to close a chapter of my life and start afresh.
Part of this change is to make amends for past wrongs, but put them to rest also. And so it was with this in mind that I went for tea at my parents. Of course, I expected the usual scapegoating, but being prepared I managed to overcome the usual feelings of anger and injustice I previously felt. Is it worth holding on to so much resentment, particularly when it gets in the way of future relationships and happiness? My parents arenít going to be around forever, so do I really want to compromise having a decent relationship with my Dad?
People at work have been asking what happened to Peter. He left so abruptly (after just six weeks!) it was a shock for all, even for those in the know! It is a difficult situation to be put in, but we were advised by our superiors to be honest. Peter wasnít, and that was his downfall. He was convicted of fraud, deceiving his old company out of nearly £400,000. Instead of declaring it on his employment form he chose to conceal it, taking a chance that it would be found out at a later date. Thanks to google, it was.
I had a meeting with a Local Authority today, to discuss my companyís progress on various development schemes in their area. They call this type of meeting an exercise in ďrelationship buildingĒ, but in reality itís an excuse to get out of the office for a few hours on a sunny afternoon. The actual meeting only lasted half an hour, the rest of the time was spent gossiping like teenagers, discussing men, kids and hair. Not quite what the management consultants would categorize the term being used for, but hopefully providing us with an advantage over other male dominated RSLs.
I visited the physio for the seventh time today, returning to work hot and flustered afterwards, and not just from the stifling heat. That half hour session is eagerly waited for all week, but runs through too quickly when it arrives. We banter, we flirt. I wonder if that is part of the patient-professional relationship? I flinch at he touches my knee, not from pain but from lustful longing. It seems like he touches me more than usual, more than is needed to do the job. Perhaps that is just wishful thinking on my part. And then again, perhaps not?
I awoke this morning full of good intentions, however short lived. I am going to embark on a diet, a shake-replacing-meal diet. I have never successfully completed a programme like this before, but my new found optimism for life generally might be enough to carry me through. I have let myself get fat these past few months, which is to be expected to some degree following injury. However, now is the time to rein in the poor eating habits and regain some degree of self-control. Plus I want to look good to impress my physio. Letís hope he notices it.
I'm in a nostalgic mood today. My first true love contacted me recently through the medium that is facebook. It was a bit of a shock, as Iíd tried so many times in the past to find him, but eventually given up. Heís been with his present girlfriend for 7 years, so I calculated they must have got together shortly after we split. What with The Split most recently occurring in my life, Iím looking to put the past behind me. But it keeps catching up with me! So how am I going to move on and embrace the future?
It is true, you can have too much of a good thing. This theory was proved correct to me, by spending eight hours in Ikea today. Normally I love coming to this shop, it fills me with a wild excitedness, coveting the furniture layouts and sparking home improvement plans. However, I began to lose interest after we spent an hour agonising over which sofa to chose. My Dad had one idea, my Mum and I had others. Ours were to opt for the contemporary, neutral style; his for the practical. In the end we compromised on a completely different one.
Dogs are just like people really, the way they interact. They may not be so complex in nature or intelligence as humans, but they share many personality traits. For instance, today when I took Jack down the yard to meet up with Dad, Rocky was down there eating a bone. He took one look at Jack and went and sulked in the back of the car, and couldnít be coaxed out for love nor money. Jack nicked the bone, although it was too big for him to put in his mouth. Just like two children squabbling over a cherished toy.
It is pretty amazing to look at the architecture coming out of China, particularly due to the Olympics. Whatever may be said about the country politically, the statement that these new buildings is making is causing quite an impact in the construction world, and further a-field. In a land where planning laws are lapse, materials can be sourced on a whim, and with global dependency on this country, there is much opportunity for expansion and progression and bettering of itself. Can we really deny a developing country only what those in the West have already been fortunate enough to experience?
Itís a conundrum why humans respond more to negative feedback than positive. Insults and put-downs seem to have more power over our psyche than compliments. We shy away from compliments, like we are ashamed to admit that we have done something well or look good. Itís not narcissistic, egomaniac or arrogant to accept praise from someone, and yet we often try to rebut the comment. I let negative comments get to me that first month I was recovering from injury, so I found it hard to accept the positive ones. But hell, I deserve recognition for how far Iíve come!
Another chance to read too deeply into the body language of my physio. Today, he was testing the stability of my knee and chose to sit on my foot. This had nothing to do with the test. He didnít move away, and I didnít recoil my foot either. Then later, he stood by the side of the bed and my foot was casually nestling in his crotch. Again, he didnít move away. Then when I went to leave we shook hands as usual, but he placed his other hand on my upper back. Can this be evidence of more flirting?
I want to settle down. Iím bored with endless dating, meeting someone ďspecialĒ, getting attached, for it all to be whipped away from me in the blink of an eye. I want someday to have children of my own. Iíve grown up a lot the past year, I donít want to be alone. I miss not having someone at home, waiting for me to come back. I hate going to bed on my own, waking up on my own. I hate feeling lonely. All my friends are coupled up. I keep thinking there must be something fundamentally wrong with me.
I am fed up to the back teeth of dealing with a certain incompetent Sales Manager. She is a nincompoop. For one, she projected sales of four properties with income coming in over seven months, in each month. Does she expect half a completion at a time? More recently, she has struggled with percentages. I calculated 5% off the values, she equates this to 10%. Itís not for nothing that sales and marketingís acronym is also the same as an act from which people gain pleasure from inflicting pain on others. She is certainly causing me a lot of headaches!
I read about lucid dreams, where you are dreaming and yet conscious. I have that a lot, where I know I am dreaming but I donít want to fully wake up just yet. I had one this morning, it was a not unpleasant sensation. I can almost manipulate those sorts of dreams to go how I want them to, yet I think theyíre trying to show me answers to questions Iím exploring. I certainly dream more when I am emotional. I am more emotional right now because of The Split and because I have this ridiculous crush on my physiotherapist.
I hate having white kitchen cupboards, they show up the grease and dirt. I spent many hours deep cleaning the darker recesses of the kitchen carcasses. In a way this was a kind of therapy, removing any lasting evidence of physical and mental grime, i.e. my ex. I hate dwelling on the past, but I canít move on properly because things remind me of him constantly. I want him to pick up the remainder of his belongings and go, forever. I also cleaned out the gerbils, which was a krypton-factor-style mission in itself with Jack about, trying to eat them.
In my fantasy world I meet a nice man. Nice can be used to describe a whole multitude of semi-pleasing traits, but I mean it genuinely all round. My ideal man: tall, dark hair, gentleman, gentle, intellectually challenging (I donít mean that heís stupid, but rather makes me think!), compassionate, understanding. Does such a thing exist though? In my fantasy world I have met him already, but the question is whether he likes me, feels the same. Do I cross that line from fantasy into reality and make a move on him? Iím scared of rejection, just like everybody else.
What do I want from life? Which direction do I want to head in? I made a decision when I returned to work, but now I find myself doubting it constantly. Will this path make me truly happy? Or is it just a short term fix? I donít think I know who I am or where Iím going. I have the ďgrass is always greenerĒ syndrome at present, and I change my mind so often Iím confused and dizzy with prospects. Another company has head-hunted me, invited me for interview. But do I really want to stay in this industry?
Work is depressingly quiet. This is due to the ďcredit crunchĒ and slow down in the housing market. Not being busy gives me too much time to mull things over. I like project work, I like problem solving. But Iím not challenged enough in my current job. I want to get into more hands-on, practical, technical work. Iím restarting the surveying degree in December, that will be a good focus. It should open up other doors too, like civil engineering. I donít want to stay in housing forever, but it gives me a good basis, a good introduction to construction.
Today I watched my physio stick needles into my leg. Iíve had the pleasure of this experience before, but not watched it directly. Iím not squeamish, I want to be brave in front of him. He stuck needles in the back of my leg, touching my thigh to my butt, it made me shiver. He bent my fingers back to demonstrate that Iím hypermobile, then got me to do the same to him to show that he wasnít. My knee is back to the full extension he wants it to achieve. I feel lop-sided because my other knee hyperextends more.
I had an interview today with a competitor RSL. It was a mission to find the place, somewhere in the back-roads of Swale. They asked the usual job-related questions; I gave comprehensive answers. The two interviewers seemed impressed. I liked them, which is half the battle with a new job. But Iím not sure about the job itself; itís focusing on delivery, not pre-contract. The package is excellent, significantly more than what Iím on now. But thereís more commuting to the office, itís less convenient to home. So do I take a risk and accept if Iím offered the position?
You canít always judge a book by its cover. One of the instructors down the gym comes across as a chav; uneducated, unambitious, uninspiring. But after having a good healthy discussion I came to change my view. He works in the gym because itís owned by his mum and he intends to take over some time and start a chain of them. He got the same school results as me. He has some interesting views on life. Heís interested in aliens and conspiracy theories. It made me realise you canít always rely on first impressions to give an accurate view.
I had some money stolen from my house today; I feel violated. I invited a friend back to mine after a night out. Whilst I was upstairs, he had a smoke in the garden. I think that must have been his opportunity Ė it can only be him. I got money out for my holiday and left it on top of the bookcase, so it was pretty obvious. Iíve looked in the immediate vicinity in case it has just fallen carelessly, but itís nowhere to be seen. Itís only twenty quid but I feel a bit disappointed, like Iíve been cheated.
I visited my grandparents today, the first time in a long while. I should make more effort to see them; Pop looks weak, infirm, Nanny looks depressed, worn out. I love them both dearly, itís saddening that itís nearing the inevitable time. I sat, listening to old stories. I ate lunch, then dinner with them. Jack brightened up Popís mood a little, being a cheeky chappy. Iíve made a promise to visit more, make an effort. Being the eldest grandchild I should take more responsibility, set an example to the others, not keep taking them for granted Ė theyíre not immortal.
I saw the rugby physio as usual, for a Tuesday evening. He massaged the scar tissue around my knee. Itís a pain like no other Ė searing, burning, sharp, fading into a dull ache around the joint. But it does work miracles, the joint becomes looser, more malleable. My heel lifts off the bed as I hyperextend my leg. I loitered about the cabin for a while, not wanting to go home. Iíd had a difficult discussion with a work colleague earlier, leaving me feeling a bit low. I sought company with others, I didnít want to be at home alone.
This day will be remembered as a day of endings. My ex finally came around, after much coaxing, to collect the remainder of his belongings. He made me feel like I was the one in the wrong, but I maintained dignity throughout, acted reasonably. I didnít have to stoop to low levels like his ex did. Also, I had my last post surgical physiotherapy session. Saving the revelation for the 11th hour I found out he had a girlfriend, thereby scuppering any chance of a blossoming romance. But I donít feel disheartened; they say as one door closes another opens.
The rugby physio sat on my foot tonight. I asked if he was comfortable, teasing him a little, as this was exactly what the other physio had done. I had thought it was a come-on, but actually itís to stabilise my ankle. This confirms that I was reading too much into the other physioís actions, seeing what I wanted to, not being objective enough. I am a little disappointed that I found out he was attached, but not devastated. I sent him a thank you card in any event, as I thought he deserved one for putting up with me!
Iím looking forward to this holiday, albeit a glorified, extended family visit. I havenít been on holiday properly since 2002; rugby tours and minitrips away in the UK donít count. Itís hot out there at the mo, in the thirties. Apparently there is an open air pool in Tales that is still open throughout September. We intend to hire a car, which will enable us to get about easier than in the van. I expect Tuesday I will have to go visit abuelita as sheís not been very well recently; thatíll be shortly followed by the rest of my relatives.
I think I may be an alcoholic. I look back at the past month and realise that there hasnít been a single day when I havenít consumed it in some form; cider, lager, beer, wine, it all has the same effect. Primarily I started drinking more heavily when I took the job in development; there may be a correlation between a more stressful job and increased consumption. However, it has noticeably got worse, with increased drinking each night after work, and despite promising myself to stop and cut it out, I havenít the willpower. Does that make me an alcoholic?
I have absolutely no willpower, it is decided. I am not just referring to alcohol, but temptation generally. I can quickly become obsessed about things; trivial and significant. They can consume me with their impertinent demands for attention. Once hooked, I find it hard to let go, I dig my claws in and hold on tighter, until I draw metaphorical blood. I may have occasional fancies, but these usually revolve around the other sex. I can be fickle, and change my mind in the flash of distraction in my peripheral vision. Sometimes I just donít know when to say no.
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