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Where your legs join.
I remember it so well.
Your scent frolics lightly in my memories.
Gardenias and Honey...
The delicious sweat between your breasts was like wine.
I remember the tangle of bodies.
[Legs, Arms, Hair]
And the words left unspoken.
[Where did I end and you begin?]
Was this wrong?
Was this right?
Did you care?
And your eyes, filled with tears,
As I stared at the back window of your momís
As it sped away.
And here we are, futures apart,
Trapped by golden rings and diamonds, love. What am I supposed to do?
I feel unaccomplished.
I feel like Iíve let myself down.
I feel caged.
Yet, more grown-up than ever before.
Can someone please tell me what the hell Iím doing?
Who am I kiddingÖ
You donít know either.
There are things I want to do.
Want to get done.
But, everything costs so much.
If not money,
Everything costs something.
Sometimes, I disgust myself,
But, sometimes that turns me on.
Iím so confused.
All the time.
So many thought jumbled in my head
For a measly Saturday morning.
This day means nothing.
I think Iíve lost my writing ability. I donít have anything to write about anymore. And anytime I write something I get pissed and erase it, because it doesnít sound good. So, I end up getting mad and writing about how I canít write.
Itís frustrating because I used to be a good writer. I used to know words and grammar and all that, but now I sound like a Podunk or something. My sentences and grammar are all wrong and I havenít any subjects to write about.
And getting frustrated doesnít help anything. It does just the opposite. Actually.
I had to re-do my laptop today.
I had to restore it.
Now my life fills empty,
And I find that sad.
Everything is on this laptop.
I could only save what fit on DVDs.
I hope I got everything.
I feel like there's so much I forgot.
It's like I don't even know what to do with myself.
I feel like I ruined something.
Let's just hope I can get back into the swing of things.
My Dungeons & Dragons campaigns are all done on here.
All my books.
Scripts to our comic book.
God, I sound pathetic.
But, in al honesty, I had a good day.
I got out with my husband.
I like to live my life by the words of a ďgreat novelĒ. It will go down in history as one of ďmankindís greatest worksĒ. Also, I hate quotation marks used around words to make them ďironicĒ or ďsarcasticĒ. But Iíll do it anyway.
As I was saying, I like to live my life by the words of ĎOh, the Places Youíll Go!í by Dr. Seuss. Everyone always laughs when I tell them that. And then I tell them to go home and read it. Really read it. And think it.
And then, they donít laugh anymore.
They understand it.
We have absolutely no money.
We wonít be able to pay our room-mate rent this week.
But, for the first time
In a long time.
I feel that my life is less hectic.
I feel less stressed and more loved.
All because the room isnít messy.
It isnít dirty.
Iím getting along with my husband.
Most of my family.
All of my friends.
And it feels great.
We still canít afford gas.
The worldís going to hell.
People want to kill us.
People hate us.
But, Iím young, in love, and happy.
But, I still miss you grandpa.
Why is it whenever I meet a girl and I know theyíre physically attracted to me, no matter if Iím physically attracted to them or not, I become infatuated? Even if they are sort of, kind ofÖ okayÖ really ugly. At least, ugly to me.
I miss the freedom of not being married too much, is what it is. But, still when it comes down to it, I love my husband too much to have sex with another girl.
But, it sure is getting harder not to.
I donít think I was as bi-sexual as I thought.
I really donít.
So, my husband and I have been taking vitamins all week and Iíve never felt better. I feel like I can accomplish most things. So thatís new and exciting, eventually, before the month is out Iíd like to feel like Iím not writing blog-like things, but I really canít help it. Nothing has inspired me today, made me think I should write about it. I am, however, getting my hair dyed today, so, go me!
Weíve got to clean tonight or the room-monsters (mates) will go bonkers. Weíre on a cleaning schedule, but they never do theirís. Itís rubbish, really.
I feel like Iím less of a woman because I canít have kids. Or, presumably, almost certainly cannot have children.
My friends donít get it. They all say why not adopt? Why not something else?
They canít understand that, in my mind, it hurts so much to not be able to have children, that, I want something wholly mine or it would just be a constant reminder.
And I would fear not loving that child as much as I could.
And that would make me a horrible mother.
So, Iíd rather be miserable and not have children than risk that.
It is my dadís birthday on the 16th and Iíve yet to call him. There are no problems between us or anything, in fact, my dadís probably my favorite person in my familyÖ but after years of feeling abandoned, itís just really hard to pick up that phone. I shouldnít feel pressured; he doesnít call me on my birthday or the day after my birthday, which he sometimes mistakes my birthday for. It isnít like heís gotten me a present in so long or he calls me when heís not single. But I love me dad, and grudges are petty.
Itís none of my business, but why are you wasting your time with drugs and drugs and more drugs. I hate judging people, but, you really are a waste of space. Are you going to do anything with your life? Youíre ridiculous, you go around talking about other people like youíre any better.
You need to get your life together before you lose what friends you do have. I thought you were worth something once. At least, you were worth something to me. And then, I saw your true colors. Get over yourself. Youíre not what I thought you were.
Why would someone make a game as hard as Link II: The Legend of Zelda. Is there anyone on Earth thatís actually beat that game not using cheats? Itís crazy. I want to beat it, but itís like the hardest game on Earth. They should make that a test for becoming President of the United States because that has to be an amazing use of ĎstrategeryĒ.
Speaking of tests to become president, they should make it a rule that the president has to win 15 different games of Risk against some random smart guy. And then 2 games of Chess.
Iíve been watching Weeds now for, like, 5 days straight and I canít stop.
I think Iím addicted.
Other than that, Iíve been working on my website.
Itís the best website Iíve ever had.
It looks awesome.
It took me hours to get it right though.
Iím nearing the end of season 3 now.
Shane flipped and started talking to his dad.
I think everyone on the show is so hot.
And, Kevin Nealon, but who doesnít love him.
I donít know how I didnít hear of this show before.
I wonder when The L Word is back on.
So, David and Heather havenít cleaned in forever. Iím not here to be their bitch. If they donít clean tomorrow, Iím not cleaning next week. Itís their damn week and weíve got camping to do. Iíve been really pissed about it all week, and Iíve got a headache. I hate this headache. I wish I knew why I have it. Itís terrible and itís putting me in a bad mood. Timmy needs to come over and see me. I miss him so much. But, I miss Gabe, and heís right here next to me sleeping, so I am silly. Yeah.
Itís come to my attention that I have close to nothing to write about and now Iím just writing. I hate this. I used to be good. Most of my entries are probably me just complaining about how Iím not good at writing anymore. This is sad. I really just want to be able to write again. Thatís why Iím getting some good writing prompt books for Christmas. I really think that will help me out. And I want the book, Wreck This Journal. It looks sweet. I might get some Japanese books while Iím at it too. Jolly good.
So, my dadís getting married again in February, thisíll be number 4. Thatís a lot of marriage. And heís only 44. Thatís old, but not that old. Iím not supposed to tell my grandmother because sheíll just say something about it. I wonít tell anyone. I think dad deserves to be happy. And I really do think this one will work out. Sheís his age and settled and a lot like him not young and wild like the rest. And this one doesnít seem like sheíll turn crazy, so hereís hoping. I hope he doesnít want me in the wedding.
So, I just got back from camping a few days ago. I took some pictures. I wish our camera would work better. I hate our camera. It sucks. Iím just talking to get rid of 100 words to write. I wish my heart would be in it more, it would be awesome, but alas Iím just rambling to make 100 words right now. And Iím sleepy. I hate being sleepy. So, I guess thatís kind of aggravating me. And also, my husband wonít work on our comic book anymore. He just plays his guitar most of the time. It sucks.
I donít know how it happened. But, I am now completely and utterly obsessed with Aliceís Adventures in Wonderland. I love it. I wish I could find something that I could properly get for Christmas to express my fangirl-y joy to the masses, but thereís really not much. And a shirt doesnít really help. Just anyone could have a shirt, you know. But, Iím hardcore so I need something else. Like a necklace or something. Iím joking about the hardcore part, though. Iím getting 113 dollars worth of books for Christmas though. I love books. I eat them for breakfast.
The clock strikes two and two again.
I eat a strawberry tart.
The clock strikes two and two again.
For she who has my heart.
They call me nuts, they call me mad.
Iíve buttered up the works.
I am a loon and quite mad.
But she understands my quirks.
Clean cup, clean cup. Move down, move down.
Itís my un-birthday too.
Weíll sing, weíll cheer. All day, all year.
For time is all askew.
The clock strikes two and two again.
I eat a strawberry tart.
The clock strikes two and two again.
For she who has my heart
A grin without a cat, I guess,
Is what put me in this awful mess.
I confess, I must attest,
Iím in a state of much distress.
And now Iím at a writerís block with this one. Sorry. But, thereís a little taste of a poem I tried to write today. I love the Cheshire Cat. Heís awesome. Iím going to make this writerís black go away if itís the last thing I do. I hate this. Iím not me without words. Iíve always said it. If I canít say things that I mean, then I canít possibly be me.
I love John and Hank Green. They make my life so much better. They make happy. I love how people as geeky as me are as awesome as they are. I love that Hank writes songs about Harry Potter. I love the John writes books that are as great as they are. I love that they both are semi-famous and they still care so much about their fans and the Nerdfighters. Itís great. I love how fast they talk and how Hank likes Science Fiction. And I love My Pants. Iím kind of obsessed. But, thatís okay with me. Yeah.
Iím trying to decide whether I want a Bamboo tablet for Christmas. I donít think I do. I mean, I kind of do because I could do so much with my dolls, but I wonít use it as much as I could. And if I really needed to, I could always use Gabeís WaCom Tablet. I think. I mean, he keeps saying that the pen on it doesnít work, but I donít know. But, Iím running out of things for my Christmas List. But, Iím getting RAMUNE! Iím so excited. Itís the best thing ever. I get some every Christmas.
I donít know what to write about today. Iím out of things to write about. But, Iím going to finish writing all these because I have to accomplish it. I have to accomplish this 101 Things list or Iím going to punch things. I really want to get my website done too. I think Iíve almost got it done. I think at least. Itís hard though. But, Iím determined to get this one done. And Iíve got a headache today. Itís almost 5 pm and I havenít ate anything yet. And itís supposed to storm today. Scary! I hate storms.
Yesterday was Gabe and mineís anniversary of being together, not the marriage one. Weíve been together 4 years now. How crazy is that for me? Iíve never been in a relationship that long. I mean, I know Iím married to the guy, but itís still think itís crazy. It doesnít matter. I love him still and everything too. Weird. I know, right? Iím joking. Sometimes Iím unhappy, but Iíve definitely never been as unhappy as I was with Matt or anyone else. Anyways, my cat ran away, well, one of my cats ran away. Itís sad. I miss her. Sad.
I think somewhere along the way, I might fall in love with you and I donít know what to do with that knowing I lost my chance a long, long time ago. Youíre my ĎTreehouse Homieí until the very end. And that makes me smile.
Itís not youíre looks, though youíre very sexy. Iím lame, I know. Your personality out shines everything in my world.
I will say, there is no way it would ever work out thoughÖ youíre a crazy pants fiend and you know it. There is no way I could ever keep up with you. Crazy lady.
Weíre running out of places to go. Weíre in a dead end hall and weíre almost finished and I donít know what to do. Iíve tried. Iím tired. Dead tired.
Iím running out of things to say. Running out of Ďsorrysí and silence.
What do you want from me? Iím trying with everything in me right now but nothing is good enough for you?
I feel so alone. On a small island surrounded by the emptiness that has been you lately.
People donít like the music I listen to half the time. I listen to everything so all my friends have something to say about something I listen to. But, if a song or a group holds so much meaning to you as it can actually keep you sane or turn your life around, itís so worth everything.
Iím not a juggalette, but Iíve been listening to ICP since í97 and there is nothing bad in this. Theyíve helped me see that you have to live life and not care what others things and just wild out sometimes. Live life, man.
I have been meaning to make DnD maps all week and have yet to do what Iím supposed to do. Iím a bad DM. I deserve to be punished. Donít mind me, Iím lame. But, I have to get them done soon. Or Iím not going to have anymore friends to play with.
Iím really excited about the whole game, itís just I have so much other stuff to get done. I donít work, so it seems like I donít but I have stuff to do all day usually.
I donít really know what to write about, Iím just rambling.
I wish I could just think 100 words and theyíd appear here all at once. Wouldnít that be cool?
So lately Iíve had an obsession with Aliceís Adventures in Wonderland and The Lorax. I have no idea why. Seriously. Iím getting a shirt for Christmas that says a Lorax quote on it. And Iíve got this project for Alice planned. I just need to get some cool shit.
Thereís a magnifying glass necklace I want from the thrift store, but it looks like I wonít get it. I really want it though. I want to put a key on it.
Well, the month is almost up and Iím almost done. How excited am I? Only very! Iím tired tonight though. Really wanting sleep. I shall have it soon if I have to storm the castle and claim it as my bride. Or some such weird stuff like that there.
Can you tell my world is fun? As Willow from Buffy says, I make my own fun.
SooooooÖ I donít really know what to write aboutÖ I keep saying Iím lame, and you donít understand I really, really am. I wouldnít lie to you. Weíre tight like that. Yes we are.
So, last day.
We all goní die, but Iím not goní fry.
Even though most never try
Iím not goní let this pass me by, no.
Thatís my message to the world. Lol. Well, itís ICPís but thatís the kind of stuff that gets me all hopeful and stuff.
Anyways, I had kind of fun, although it was hard to keep up with and I canít write anymore so it wasnít as fun with the lack of poetry.
Also, my backspace button keeps messing up and itís a filthy liar. Yeah. And thatís what Iím going to leave you with.
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