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Today is Labor Day. R & M went to Wal-Mart and got a ton of groceries including a ten pound ham. When he started cooking it today I told him to call the kids and let them know. They came over later and had her brother R with them. So after they ate, I grabbed the baby and they went outside and played “Smash Everything!” It is a game T and M invented. It involves a rope, a pulley tied to a limb about ten feet up, and a heavy piece of train track. You can figure out the rest.
I’m still reading Moby Dick by Herman Melville. I now know more about whales than I ever thought I would. But Melville apparently felt that his relatively short story would not be as meaningful if his readers did not know
about the whaling industry.
I tried to start reading it on the cruise. I was so tired from everything else that I fell asleep every time. So this time Hurricane Fay was the inspiration. It set the mood very well since the weather at the beginning of the story matched the weather outside my window. Rainy and dreary. Perfect.
I’ve been in a doldrums lately. Piano yesterday helped but I am still struggling to push through. I looked back at my July and August calendars and saw how uneventful my life has been lately. September won’t be. October won’t be. But until things pick up I will continue to feel the longings. I am remembering things again, obsessing on things. I could act out at any moment. The indecision has been the worst part. What would he want me to do? Other than leave him alone. What would he do if he were in this situation?
Go play golf.
Pow Wow and University of Scouting in Albany. I went by myself and arrived early. It was a fun meeting, we got a lot accomplished, I’m glad I’m not the head chick for either event. The rep from council was AH. He’s been hired as a para-pro. He is thrilled to death. He loves this stuff. He was even trying to remember everyone name. So when JT asked everyone to introduce themselves, I said, “Why don’t you let A do it. He’s trying to learn everyone’s name so this can be his test.” He did it and got most correct.
Matt went on a campout tonight. R is working on Sat so he took him. He got back late-ish. I told him he should have stayed and gone to work from there in the morning. Yeah, right. I always tease him about preferring to have the bed and house to myself. It is true for awhile, but then the silence starts getting to me. Reading, television, and internet can only hold a girl for so long. Then I start getting morose and feeling unloved, unappreciated. And the memories start coming back. And I want to act out. Anything for attention.
Woodbadge Reunion was a blast! AT and L were there, BS was there. CB got her beads and JB presented them. MA got his, too.
RA was there but he spent his time talking to higher-ups. Since the interview, he has avoided me. It has been 54 days. I told CB, I know they respect me enough to work me; but do they respect me enough to pay me? I call it putting out the fleece. God said this job is mine. But is it really? Did I hear wrong?
I acted out. I took lots of pictures. Of him.
Last night at WBR we had low country boil. It was amazing. Well worth $10/head. After the event I went to check on the T270 boys. They were fishing. Except M. He wasn’t interested so he stayed inland and entertained MC. He keeps her laughing with the sardonic things he says. I’ve never seen a mom so taken with him And not in a Mary Kay Laterno way. It more reminds me of his relationship with CL.
Before I left I made R give me a peck goodbye. “Hey, where’s mine?” It was CC. I wasn’t sure what to say.
Matt is tired from the campout so little is getting done with him today. I think let him do a g-e-d. next spring and be done with it. I’ll push his paces as far as I can to help him pass, but if he really doesn’t care about earning a high school diploma like T did then I can get over it. I want him to be happy and successful. I would like that to include a diploma, but if he goes to tech school then that will look as good as a diploma anyway. I can live with that.
I arrived at Piano today and she had totally forgotten about me. The first time she has ever done that. She was so embarrassed. She was still in her housedress. I asked her if she wanted a minute to change but she said if I didn’t mind her “in this big old thing” then she didn’t. I told her no problem. Near the end she said, “Now I don’t want you feeling bad because I forgot about you. You are my pride and joy.” I grinned. “Actually, I think it got off with you more than it did with me.”
I called the audiologist today. She was out of the office and should call me next week. Meanwhile I am assessing my hearing situation. Most of the time it is not too annoying for me. R and M pick on me because I turn up the volume a bit. But some of that is to drown them out. I usually watch while lying on the couch with my head a few feet from the television. This way neither my sight nor my hearing is an issue. I sit up front at the movies and the Rylander, too. Works for me.
I started my website as a den site for my second tigers in 2002. I converted it to a pack website after trying to get others to do one. When some of the leaders couldn’t get in, I upgraded on 02/23/05 for $4.95 after checking with EH and RS. I also began using it for my camps. A lot of people liked it and visited it; one praised and acknowledged any improvement I made to it. But afterwards, it was largely ignored. When RA dissed it I lost interest. I got a price increase announcement and downgraded to freebie today.
Yesterday I got a visitation. Last one was 08/07/08. He was in a strange(er) mood. He told me to tell him I loved him. I said, “You know I love you,” and hugged him. Ever since he told me last month that I was smarter than D and probably smarter than HIM, I have been wondering about him. He acknowledges that V will never be smart no matter what he does. Goats milk. Baaaaad for the brain.
He wants me to work for him when he reopens the restaurant. As an equal three-way partner. Doing the books like mama did.
He gave me $40.00 before he left on Thursday. The kids came over today so I gave $20 to each boy. T said he told some guys about his granddad’s riding to Plains on a bike to confront Prez. Carter, and getting in trouble with Secret Service. They told him, “You’ve got the coolest granddaddy!” He is definitely one of a kind. He no longer cares what Mama does. He is over the divorce. He has admitted to making mistakes when he was young, like spending all his time with his friends instead of his children. Now he has neither.
We went to the Rylander yesterday.
Arsenic and Old Lace
. We’ve been looking forward to this for months. It was beyond hilarious! I had seen the movie with Cary Grant and loved it. So I researched it all day Saturday. (BTW, the kids came over Friday, not Saturday.) I wanted the words to the play but couldn’t find them. I finally found the words to the movie. They’re different but equally funny. And I was able to tell R some history behind both. We got decent seats. I was able to see and hear everything by “trumpeting” my left ear.
The audiologist called me back today. Hearing aids run $1200 and up. I told her, “So, basically, when my hearing loss annoys me enough to be worth the 1200 bucks, I should call you.” She laughed, “Yeah.
I tagged AB about the patches, as in—have they been ordered yet? No. I knew nothing more had been done. I told him “we’re 18 days out.” I had cc’d it to MJ and RA, and also to TC. I stung her unintentionally. She is doing PowWow and has been snowed by that so I didn’t expect her to have done much.
Piano went well today. She was extra ready. I was sort of ready. The new song for the baby-baby was
“Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary
.” I laughed. Lately I have felt
I haven’t received Sheet Music magazine in a few months so I wonder if they have forgotten me again. The old 1980’s issues were lots better than the first one I got, the Summer 2008 issue. I hope it is just due to a summertime hiatus. But I’m glad I subbed. I’m thinking of ordering one of their recommended intermediate books. I wonder if I am intermediate yet?
I skipped Court of Honor on Monday since Matt wasn’t getting anything this time. When I asked R who all came, he said, “Everybody.”
I’ve got Pow Wow on Saturday. I’m teaching “How to Do a Tiger Den Meeting” and “Crafts on the Cheap,” what I call “Crafts from Crap.” I’ve got to go to RT tomorrow night so we can finalize plans. Then University of Scouting is the next weekend. I’m down for “Tiger Specific,” naturally, and “Den Program Planning.” It will be at GSW this year. Should be interesting.
Then Akela Cub. This year, I just don’t know.
Roundtable was fun tonight, like old times. TC is doing a good job keeping it interesting. Her topic was “Challenges in Scouting.” CB called me just as I was leaving. I told her I’d call back when I got in the car. I kind of forgot. When I did remember, I called and confessed. She wasn’t mad. She summarized what she was planning to say tonight. I was glad I had forgotten to call earlier. She had also called TC and briefed her. Luckily her “victim” did not arrive until late, so her comments caused no stir. TC was relieved.
The baby-baby came tonight. He was in a much better mood than last week. He smiled more and crawled everywhere. He pulled all the magazines off the bottom shelf of the bakers’ rack. Then he crawled on it and got mad that he couldn’t figure out how to get off. I rescued him. He crawled back on it and got mad again, so I redirected him into the living room. When he started getting grouchy, he wanted Grandpa to tote him around, then Mama to nurse him. He finally let me rock him. I rocked “big.” He reluctantly sacked out.
There were ~15 teachers and 5 students at Pow Wow. I was hoping it w/b cancelled, but no such luck. But I’m glad it wasn’t. I finally met the infamous RC.
I had told her I needed to leave by early afternoon so she got someone to take over the “Crafts from Crap” class. (“Michele, I can’t put that on the sign.” RC asked me if I really could. I told him, probably.) I had one guy for Tiger Den class. I stayed to eat and decided to hang around a while after lunch. That is when things got interesting.
Kitchen: “I called you four times and you never called me back.” “I don’t remember any calls. You sure you got the number right.” “Yes, I got your answering machine.” “Okay, well, what did you call me about.” “Can you give me a minute or two of your time.” “I’ll give you an hour of my time.” He leads me to the back porch because it’s “nice outside.” We are totally alone for the first time. “Someone has been spreading rumors and lies about me based on half truths and I am not happy about it.” Righteous indignation. I’m intrigued.
Oh my god! The fleece is wet.
We talked for a good part of an hour. I learned a lot and he learned a lot. It was an eye-opening experience. He asked what other rumors I had heard about him. I let him have it. Scout shop. Customer service. I told him I felt that I couldn’t come to him, that I had to go through someone else. I told him that I would not spend any money t/b reimbursed w/o hearing the okay from his mouth since “I always get bitched at when I fill out a check request.”
Today I get the rebound. Headache and doldrums. So I skipped piano.
I finally finished reading
. It was long but worth the read, though not what I had expected. More thinky-thoughts than I had bargained for. It is a study in obsession. And the belief in fate and destiny. Locus external.
Now I am reading the
by Homer. He uses
to explain everything. The gods and goddesses are nosy little buggers. And Homer relishes the blood and gore of war. This book puts me out no matter what time of day I read it.
I slept most of the day. Sore throat and sneezing confirm the whatever. Then C called and said they were coming over. R had texted T that his package was in. He picked her up from school and came right over. When he unloaded the baby, he said, “I’ll give him to you (C) since you haven’t had time with him yet. I knew that was to tell me to back off. So I cooked and took mini naps since this was an extra visit anyway. I didn’t tote him around until after R got home and had his turn.
University of Scouting is in a couple of days. Judy is over it. It is being held at Georgia Southwestern. I’m scheduled to teach Tiger Specific and Pack Program Planning. They’ve given us a CD to use for the first; the second I’ll have to make up on my own. Judy says if we bring proof of all our previous training, that she will give out Associates, Bachelors, etc. degrees in Scouting. “How far back can we go?” “To the beginning.” “Good, I’ve been to National three times.” They won’t have real standing anywhere; they will just be token honors.
The kids came over tonight. No one was in the mood to cook so I sent them to town. I had had chicken yesterday, so I tried to talk them out of it, but they wanted KFC so that was that. It was good, but my tummy does not do fried food so well any more.
I’m still prepping for U of S. I always get nervous about stuff like this. Too much is still up in the air. I don’t know where I’ll be teaching. My classes could have 3 or 30. I’ll find out when I get there.
Big day. University of Scouting until 5pm, then on to Mama’s house.
There were lots of people at U of S. Judy did a good job setting everything up. There was a bit of confusion at the beginning, but that is expected at most Scouts events. I had about a half dozen people for Tiger class and about two dozen for the Program Planning. That surprised me. I didn’t expect it to be that popular. I totally winged that class. I came up with my format about an hour before. Judy had named it; the rest was up to me.
Mama’s house was jumping. Dan and family, Mar and most of hers. TJ was wearing a shirt that said “Psych Ward.” That eventually led to a discussion of my time at Sumpter Regional. I was totally open with them. Mama’s eyes were huge—I was answering questions she had been afraid to ask. But I told them I’m completely open about it. It led into a discussion of Daddy. Me and Mar ended up debating whether he is bi-polar (my stand) or schitzo (her stand). She would not concede that we could both be right. Sounds just like her Daddy.
I researched John Nash on the Internet. When I brought up the movie A Beautiful Mind on Saturday, Mar dismissed it. She said it was not true to his life since he actually had auditory hallucinations, not visual. She did the same think when I mentioned the movie Sybil a few months ago. I thought about it. The movies blend true accounts from a person’s life with known accounts from others in similar situations. The book telling Sybil’s story didn’t get into her mother’s mental illness like the movie did. That doesn’t lessen the accuracy of one over the other.
I’ve got the dentist today, piano I moved to tomorrow, Troop Committee Meeting that I’m not going to on Thursday, and Akela Cub I & II this weekend. I’m tired just thinking about it. I sometimes worry that I don’t go out and see people enough, then I have a week like this, or a month like this, and think, What, are you kidding me? In the old days this would have kicked me into a euphoric state. I would have acted out. I would have stalked someone. Or taken pictures. Crazy is so fun. I’d better take my pills.
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