At age 4 ½, Siena has grown afraid of the dark. She’ll scream if she wakes up in the middle of the night and the bathroom light isn’t on. Her dad doesn’t “hear” it. I think this is why I wasn’t given infants.

Must pick up floor, put away crayons, put dishes in dishwasher, load dishwasher, wash pans, pick up living room, clean off craft room table, before my dinner party for 14 tonight. Meanwhile, I just refilled my decaf coffee and am contemplating a nap. I reason these people will understand about stepping on a doll or matchbox car.

I bit the bullet and signed up for Cathy Zielske’s online class, I believe it’s called Picture Your Life. I liked the concept I would be doing more scrapbooking about ME. Last night had people over and, oh, took a picture of everyone else but me. Solved it by aiming the camera at me for a self portrait, but still.

Also, I need more pants, new underwear, winter boots, but always seem to prioritize buying for the kids even though its not the money. But then I look at the Visa bill and realize I really don’t deny myself much.

I’m thinking of reorganizing my craft room so the nice, orderly, pretty spines of my scrapbooks face out at the dining room guests. This is vs. the clutter of reused envelopes, printer paper, important document files and computer manuals that are there now.

Had a house full of MOMS Club moms and kids here for a baby shower. Realized we’re all really housewives when talk turned to how to clean the bathtub better. Actually that’s what I like about Facebook, that people say “Pam is cleaning the house” so I don’t feel so alone when I have to clean too.

Kids are gone, Erik is gone, house is quiet, not much to eat but am getting by on tea, ice cream and torillas with melted cheese. I finished Lisa’s 40th book last night and today, blessed today, am working on my Cathy Z. class “homework.” It reminds me of when I had my psychic “class” every Tuesday for three months. I would say, “Mama has to go to her class now” but it was so silly because it made me happy unlike any other class I’ve ever taken. Same goes for today: “forced” to print photos, cut paper, have fun.

I went to my friend Lisa’s 40th birthday party last night. When I was getting ready I was having flashbacks of how, when we used to get ready to go out, there would be potential for a new love interest and crazy dancing/drinking/wild fun. Now the wildest thing is having three glasses of wine instead of two. The only dancing and wild fun comes from the two year olds. I made her a scrapbook online at Snapfish and was realizing all the prom and homecoming pictures (ok, not all, but most) represented some sort of sexual adventure. I miss that.

I watched two movies, was outraged by both and now don’t know what to do about it. Eastern Promises was first, about a mob family in London and one of the things they do is take girls from poor areas of Russia and the former Soviet Union and turn them into prostitutes. We actually hosted a woman from Uzbekistan who ran a hotline to help people (mostly women) figure out if jobs are legitimate and if needed, helped them get out of servitude and rebuild their lives. It is so real but what do I do? Nothing. Scrapbook in oblivion.

Haven’t forgotten my outrage (second movie was Sicko about American healthcare) but it stresses me out so much to be outraged and not know what to do. This is why I don’t watch the news. I read my What’s up with Planet Earth http://www.whatsuponplanetearth.com/latest.htm and she says the best thing to do right now is concentrate on being creative and going with your passion. So I started a new project today where I take photos of everything all day and write down what everyone says and scrapbook it. I have done it before but was re-inspired by Ali Edwards http://aliedwards.typepad.com/.

It is 10:26 pm, the latest I’ve ever written here. Just back from a Stampin’ Up party which was fun, fun. Mostly my MOMS Club moms, but also my friend Kirs. I sometimes wonder why it’s so much fun to spend money. Why can’t it be as fun to clean the bathroom or sweep the floor? I need to figure out a way to bring the joy and exhilaration I feel from scrapbooking and spending money (it’s even fun to spend at Target) into my day to day, at home life. Tomorrow Cathy Z. finally comes up with Assignment #2.

I scrapbooked my nap time away and was so, so happy. I did three of the exact same layouts which put 28 photos down on paper. I have another layout assignment to do -- think I will take some photos of Siena’s 4th adoption day and do the You with bullets for all the things about her I cherish. Was thinking about doing another layout about me, but how selfish is that? I already have one 8 ½ x 11 layout and Siena only has about 6 books worth! The more I do it the more normal it will feel.

I had a mom say she was quitting MOMS Club today because she didn’t fit in. How we all think other people have it pulled together just a little more. That their houses are a little cleaner. That their laundry pile is a tad smaller. That their kids have just a few fewer problems. If I have learned anything from all the counseling I’ve been in and books I’ve read it’s that we are more the same than different and it’s best to concentrate on our similarities. I wish we didn’t all live our lives in isolating and lonely houses.

It’s been 4 years of being a stay-at-home mom and I still don’t have a system for cleaning house. When it was just Erik and I, I would clean the house from top to bottom every Saturday morning. At that point I thought we were slobs. Now I pretty much clean for company. Today I am having an out of town guest. I think. In the past she has said she will be staying for “a couple days” and is in my house for 30 minutes. Does that “maybe guest” really warrant sweeping and mopping? Ok, it does need it.

Siena asked me yesterday if we could go to church. When she visits Grandma and Grandpa Halls they go to church. I asked her what her favorite part of church was and she said the Children’s Servant (Sermon!) Since the psychic class, I’ve been interested in the Lake Harriet Spiritual Community. It embraces all faiths and has meditations, toning (?), rituals and presentations. They have a service from 10:30-11:30 with a children’s program going during that same time. While the only day we will have unscheduled is Friday if we start going to church, we may as well try it.

Again, I have this love/hate relationship with entertaining. It is what I grew up with; having people over, going over to their houses. My suspicion is that all this entertaining was not going on while we were 4 and 2, but I will have to ask. When it used to be just Erik and I, I could just say, “don’t use the upstairs bathroom” and it would stay clean. Not so now. I must have sounded especially pathetic today because Mom and Dad said they’ll take the kids after nap so I can finish getting ready for Siena’s adoption party.

Must write quickly because house is not clean and parents are coming. It is possible to keep a picked up house if you never sit down but I like to sit down a lot! Yesterday I made a Russian salad (Vinegret) in the morning, Paklava with pistachios and almonds in the afternoon. Then shredded the cheese for the Kachipuri today, made the batter for the blini and cooked them around 10 pm. For some reason, I made cookie dough for roll out sugar cookies yesterday and we rolled, cut and baked them this morning. Need to sweep and mop now.

I had a day surgery today and do they ever have a “system.” My dad was my driver and was very impressed to be called four times with updates and precise instructions on where to pick me up. He was surprised that one of the calls was from my surgeon. Only one nurse was the slightest bit surly and I think that was just boredom as she is the one who takes you to the waiting room, gets you in your room and gets the gowns. I’ve had surgery in the past and it took a lot longer in recovery.

I am hiding out from my kids while my parents are here. Right now my dad is sitting with his arms and legs crossed, in a yard chair in the sun. Siena has on her $50 Stride Rite from Grandma shoes and is digging in mud. Al has just returned from the garage with Grandma. I have NO IDEA what they would need in there. Probably he just asked her to go in, and he was just too cute to refuse. Oh, now my mom has a yard tool and she’s chopping my plants! It’s not that I care, but…

Just a scrapbooking fiend, and oh, look at the time I haven’t written here yet. I just emailed a “celebrity scrapbooker,” Elsie Flannigan and told her she should teach a class at Big Picture Scrapbooking http://www.bigpicturescrapbooking.com/. Cathy Z says she has about 1,700 students and that’s at $99 each. You’ve got to wonder how big of cut she gets: $170,000 plus total, even half of it is still $85,000. And that’s for doing what you love. Goodness! I’m still searching for my million dollar scrapbooking idea. We’re in a recession but scrapbookers are simply buying supplies and scrapbooking about it!

I’ve been reading Women in the Material World as research for a book I might write. It’s humbling to see how little these women have and how resigned or even happy they are with their lot. It has inspired me to do a page on myself to see how freaking privileged I am. It’s also a good snapshot of my life as it includes questions such as: favorite task, worst moment of life, best moment, currently reading, best woman friend, most admired woman in world. Also I like the statistics: income, expenses, what do you spend your personal money on.

A woman was mean to me at yoga and I couldn’t shake it. Egads what a horrible life I lead! Yes, she told me (meanly) to be quiet. I confirmed this was something the teacher requested and my friend and I shut up (me, seething.) At another yoga class, my friend and I were chastised for wearing our public shoes on the new floor. Both times, hey, we weren’t aware of these rules so is there any way you could gently inform us rather than being World Class Accusatory Bs about it? Does being mean help you get your Zen?

It’s glorious fall. There are leaves everywhere and for the first time, Al picked some off the ground and threw them in the air. Last night we bought pumpkins and Erik already put two on the front steps. I would have waited since the squirrels (and there are many) will be hacking them to bits, but they are festive and perfect for now. Siena has just figured out the term and the meaning of “jack-o-lantern” so we will carve our first pumpkin with her this year. I will probably wash the seeds and bake them with salt. Num, num, num!

My daughter cracks me up. We were carving pumpkins tonight and I said (for some reason,) “That’s a plan, Stan.” To which she replied, “I’m not a stem.” Next, I was lying naked on my bed, hot after a too hot bath. Siena decided she needed to be naked too and lay right beside me. My first thought was us as adults at a spa together. I said, “Erik, look at this!” which she repeated. Finally, I was typing this and she was in the other room saying, “Mom, I said ‘stupid,’ mumble, mumble, you idiots.” Trying desperately for attention.

We went to Siena’s preschool conference tonight. It was awesome! Only thing to work on: keeping track of items she is counting. Yes, she tends to count to three and then 6, 7, 8, there are about 10. I figure she’s not into details like her mother! The teacher said Siena likes to stay close to her. I would have never thought that although I’m not sure why. The kids stayed at Kristen’s and didn’t look back when I left. Al ran straight to Erik, bypassing me completely when we went to pick them up. Siena didn’t want to leave.

My mom claims it’s her fault I get stressed when I entertain. She says she learned from her mother, who learned from her mother. That far back she knows for sure. I would think most people would get stressed trying to get the house clean and get the food ready with a 2-year-old and 4-year-old underfoot. Yes? Ok, now I’m remembering being a lunatic before we even had kids. Erik put out some dumb piece of marble outside and put candles on it and I threw it and broke it. I have these ideas on what I want, you know?

It’s so sad that Friday night is such a non event now. Gosh, I remember getting totally gussied up and drinking, dancing, laughing, flirting. Having fun. Now, well, I guess I understand the whole middle age—I want a boyfriend or a sports car thing. The most I can hope for is scrapbooking with girlfriends or watching Battlestar Galactica with my husband on DVD. I would say having dinner parties would be the answer but its just so difficult to pick up after the kids and clean and cook and be the hostess. Somebody have me over to your house!

Saturdays are so tricky because both Erik and I figure: I’ve worked a long, hard week, I deserve a break. The kids disagree. They still want to be fed, clothed, picked up, entertained and still feel justified leaving bits of food, clothing and toys all around the house for “someone else” to pick up. I just asked Erik what he was up to and he said, “I’m the maid.” I jumped to my defense (in my head) of all the stuff I do, of how I pick up and it never stays picked up, and, and, and. We’re both maids.

My husband’s 80 something year old auntie was talking and I was feeling fakey I was so tired. Nod and smile. There’s just something about the whole pick up, sweep, cook, wrangle kids, wait for guests, serve guests, open gifts, eat dinner, and eat cake, process that wipes a mama out. Yes, my son turned 2 today. With my kids, their birthdays only remind me I wasn’t there when they were born and I wonder if their birthmothers are thinking of them. I’m sure they are. I hope they feel at peace with their decisions. Thank you for my kids.

It’s so weird to enjoy something this much. Yes, I enjoy scrapbooking and am pretty much obsessed by it right now I went to Michaels and bought some cardstock in colors I don’t normally use but Cathy Z has inspired me to. Then I just stood over my scrapbook table, moving pictures, pulling out papers, thinking about cool stuff to put on my page. I feel like the fun police should come and arrest me. What SHOULD I be doing? Cleaning a stack of papers which will only get cluttery again? No, I should follow my passion and I am.

I was married 8 years ago today. Will today be romantic? Unless you call folding laundry, unloading the dishwasher, dropping off and picking up kids, and having a family photo taken at JCPenney romantic, um, no. This is a busy week to begin with so we’ve told each other we’ll go out next Tuesday when its less crazy. Will we? My challenge for next month was going to be taking a photo of something I’m thankful for every day. Erik stated there was no way I could say something nice to him every day for 30 days. A new challenge!

Ok, I was going to save this topic for my make up day but it must be discussed now: lotion! What it means is that my skin is drying out because winter is coming. I remember last November 1st, all the pageantry of Halloween was abruptly over and the dead tumbleweeds of winter were literally rolling down my street. My skin starts itching in places I cannot reach with my own hands and my lips need constant goo. When I go to Mexico in the winter within 24 hours my skin is moist and glowing. Why do we live here?

I met a fun new person today and I can’t remember her name! We were at Erik’s work kid Halloween party and I was expecting 45 minutes of cake, pizza, candy and we’re outta there. But I started talking to this person and it went like this, her: “I’m from Moorhead.” Me, “I’m from Fargo!” Her: “I played soccer in high school.” Me: “I played soccer in high school!” and so on. Her and her husband traveled for six years living off savings and her income as a scuba instructor. We’re talking Belize, Thailand etc. And she coveted my Fryes!

Kids had fun trick or treating, hitching up with Nina and then Malica and Helima and going to way more houses then intended. Siena’s dress got itchy so she went home to Erik to change into jammies and Al and I made sure the five friends on Alabama weren’t neglected from our presence. We dumped out both candy pails and Al was rolling in it, Siena not so much so. Erik said it was because she was eating it like a crazy woman. I had Doritos with my movie and made sure I finished all the DOTS. Halloween is over.