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06/01 Direct Link
June 1, 2009—Monday

May wasn’t a good month for me – job gone.

The income loss was the bad – the job gone is excellent


My daughter and I had an important discussion and we’ve turned the corner – good.

My son is pressing hard to get his business going – good.

My nephew was here in May – that was good.


I reconnected with friends I’d allowed to languish during the frenzy of the job – good.

I’ve tossed things that have been collecting dust since last August – good.

I’ve started cooking now that I have time and no income to eat out – good.
06/02 Direct Link
I wrote this snapshot to in an e-mail today:

I'm in an odd place right now. The momentum of this last job was so intense I feel as if i've been cast out into a place where a spigot was turned off and i'm flailing about seeking a new one—but not wanting to do so because of what might come out when i do.

Always before when I've had a hiatus of sorts, I've welcomed the quiet and the unscheduled time, but this time, I'm feeling as if i'm losing my bearings and if i'm not careful, i'll simply disappear.
06/03 Direct Link
Yesterday I experienced a restlessness which is unusual for me.

I applied to a few jobs, did some housework and played computer games on facebook. I spoke with my daughter on her way to work and my sister who called to say she’d be out of town until Tuesday—her husband’s medical school reunion—Seattle. My son & nephew & I played UNO for a bit – we have a three deck game going. I went for a drive to nowhere. The thunderstorm hit while I was out—a powerful one. I put on my music. I turned out the light.
06/04 Direct Link
Tomorrow my nephew will be driving up to Pennsylvania to celebrate his 21st birthday with friends from school. He has slipped into our lives as if he’s always been here. Is it possible to miss a person when he leaves that you’ve been without for his whole life? My friend visited in December. He was here for only a few days. I missed him when he left – desperately.
That missing is gone now.

The “enter” function is down again. I prefer to publish immediately after writing. It forces me to turn them over – to figuratively stamp “complete” on their margins.
06/05 Direct Link
I got two replies from resumes. I’d sent them over a month ago. They’re not saying they’re interviewing, only that they will be. One shared that I am in the “pipeline” with the other candidates. These candidates are currently working for the company and seeking a promotion. Shall I tear that one up now? The other consisted of a series of follow-up questions: Why was I interesting in making a move now? What are my salary expectations? Have I ever interviewed with this company before? When am I available for an interview? When can I start? Simple questions. Complex answers.
06/06 Direct Link
We slipped easily into our routine. This time we were working to establish his business rather than keeping my job afloat. Our rhythm is good. We know our roles and compliment one another whether he is the support person or I am.

I introduced him around and then others picked up the baton. The momentum began to grow. Networking meetings followed by carefully orchestrated one-on-ones. Slowly he’s begun to build his own network. One contact morphing neatly into the next until he’s a household name (so to speak) in the business community these people comprise. Everyone a peddler of sorts.
06/07 Direct Link
Pandora has grown on me- i seem more patient with it now and can overlook the inane like the foolishness that's playing now. I reach over, hit the thumbs down and deftly switch to another “station.” when it starts a projectile in an odd direction I've discovered the only way to deal with it is to give up and give it a fresh start. I've lost too much of my life trying to redirect every nuance – now I'm going for concepts. I find I'm making a lot of shifts – the stations. other things also. nuances – concepts – going for the elusive.
06/08 Direct Link
Elton John has replaced Van Morrison now on Pandora. Lots of Elton John memories over the years but the strongest are from my California days. thoughts that shift now to my step brother who died this spring from complications – the motor vehicle accident was a strange segue from the real cause which takes me firmly back into 1972 and California and camping in the desert and honky cat playing and laughter under the stars of the spectacular night sky. before life became complicated - California - Elton John. – bon fires. shifting now to the ocean – pacific – dogs, tequila. which takes another turn.
06/09 Direct Link
that turn redirected my life but i was unaware then of the implications of these small acts i took and how they would lead to my now.

The ocean was the backdrop – dogs – bonfires – tequila – lydias – black turtleneck – white jeans – gold eyes – pianobars – pool tables bob brisky (amazingly i pulled that name from my thirty something ago memory) yellow corvette? Sallie, fox, killer t spring, post office box, pinto wagon, '58 Chevy with the redwood camper billy and Annette and bandanas and onion rings at the beach and the little V and later, the silver sands – yes - that.
06/10 Direct Link
I've never noticed the word count on this website and so have been writing in a word document and then transferring over here.

This is so much easier and I think it must be a new feature that wasn't here when I began. I'm sure I wouldn't have overlooked such an important shortcut.

I was writing on my tiny netbook in bed a bit ago and when i transferred from my word document i noticed that my 100 words were being counted as 102. I shrugged, deleted two words and let it go. Yeah - I like this.

06/11 Direct Link
i understand. Just now while putting in the breaks, they were counted as words. techincal issues

i've moved my computer to the dining room. it's hot in the back of the house off the kitchen where i've created my office. it's the second attempt at office in this house and seems to be the best because the other room - the one i originally selected - seems to morph into other uses that overlay my own. Rather than rail against the changes, i simply slipped out and created another space - one that no one else seems to notice.
06/12 Direct Link
i need music.

i keep moving everything around and what gets left behind are the damn speakers. I have speakers all over this house but NOW they are nowhere near where i am.

I have GOT to have my music. NO the soundcard on this computer cannot carry it - not even a consideration.

OK Ok OK. I'll get the ones that're up on top of the closet in the bin - yeah - climb up on the arm of the couch - yes.. that adventure.

Ahhh - that was not a deal - plugged in - waiting for rhap to load. finally - music - yes
06/13 Direct Link
God how i love rhap.

None of this pandoraplaywhatitthinksiwanttohear stuff. I KNOW what i want to hear - i don't need help figuring that out!!!!

van morrison now. miles and miles of him. pure. unadulterated van morrison.

now - where was i before i realized i couldnt move from the bedroom using the tiny netbook to the somewhat larger but still tiny dell without giving up the SOUND.

writing

thinking

writing

about the then of me

the 1970s before north carolina me.
the i'd stopped in california for a bit me.
that me
that one.
the one before this me
06/14 Direct Link
i'd forgotten about the process well i do know the process, but somehow that me changed from there to here.

the process is where i want to be - to stay on the road - i've thought of this often the years, that this has merely been a pit stop along the way - the way ... that i can put my things back in the car - whatever car it happens to be - and continue the journey - and then perhaps the ripple of the pond will cover this time over and it will slip away.. silently.. just as i wish to do
06/15 Direct Link
not disappear - but be free of this - of what? this - this? yes - this - this nothingness.

when i was married, i feared my life would continue on the path to nothing - and it has - without the encumbrance of the marriage - i still drifted to nothing

is there something?
what is the something?

don't speak of god to me - *meaningful glance towards alabama*

van morrison is singing to me: it feels like a brand new day - yeahh yeahh. i was lost, double crossed - with my hands behind my back.. i'm a long time hurtin' ..so confused - that beautiful morning sun
06/16 Direct Link
I'm up in the night. 3:00. It's always 3:00. I'm no longer surprised by this. Quiet tonight. Only the sound of the fan. The music stopped. i remember now. i had the radio with sixty minute shut off on rather than the on-going Pandora - a symphony that i couldn't bear to turn off so i left it. but now the silence. I reach for it again but this time a labored and solemn funeral dirge - no need to ever listen to that - i hit off nearly as quickly as i found it. silence again. re-reading now.
06/17 Direct Link
It's taking me a long time to write my hundred words this month. June has been quite strange. I entered it unemployed and now am again with a job of sorts in there, in between. I'm having difficulty setting up routines with all of these changes.  I'm contemplating changes now.

I desperately need some thinking time. not this in the middle of the night, I'm awake time. I need clear, lucid thoughtful, planning time. Today perhaps. But first I'll straighten up the house, toss and purge from this last mis-step job and get my environment ready for the next.
06/18 Direct Link

I've had my bath and come to terms with my latest angst. As before, the silence is broken by the sound of the fan and occasionally my dog trying to find a comfortable spot.

What's different now is me.  I'm ok with my decision regarding the job - and yes, I'm writing this out of order because I moved away from the job on my birthday, July 7th but am writing to catch up in June.

Nevertheless, I have also come to terms that my 100 words writing will forever be out of order and it matters not one bit.



 

06/19 Direct Link

I had been saving each entry in a word document, on a flash, but decided to go free with the upgrades on 100 words.

 

I’m baffled regarding their counter, so have gone back to writing in a document and then doing the cut and paste.  I’ve stopped saving each entry, however – brave or stupid.

 

Perhaps with the rich text mode as with the other, the breaks are counting as words. I’ve given up trying to figure it out because it’s taking  time that could better  be used in writing!  

06/20 Direct Link

I marvel at people who say they have nothing to do or that they're bored. Is there some cosmic difference between them and me or is it the deifinition of boredom that we differ on?

I glace around my space and see a myriad of projects - and these are only the superficial ones! They don't touch on larger (or smaller) ones that lay underneath, either in my mind or in a box stashed somewhere or on my unwritten to do list.

Our moments are numbered and our activites endless. Pick one, I want to scream - don't waste your precious life.

 

06/21 Direct Link
And so I begin again today, but this time without the frenzy. This time I'll examine the proposed path with serenity.  So many missteps:  Jobs, relationships, expectations. Over the span of my life, perhaps not so many.

I didn't go to the ocean as planned; in fact I started but turned around and returned home. I need to gain control of my own expectations so i can begin to deal with the externals that exist in life

Acceptance, perhaps should be my new theme. Interesting - this. Couple this with expectations. Acceptance and Expectations.  

 
06/22 Direct Link
I often start a new phase with the clean slate analogy. Recently I edited this concept to acknowledge that I bring much to the table from my experiences and there is no clean slate patiently waiting for me to make entries.

My foray back into working in the health care environment underscores this edit nearly to caricature proportions. This mistake was of such magnitude, looking at it now, I cannot believe I thought I could overcome my past traumas.  The disconnect I took into the interview was so complete, it's clear I had ceased to function.
 
  
06/23 Direct Link

It's going to rain today. We've had hot weather - very hot with high humidity. It hasn't bothered me. I don't have air conditioning in this house. This old house has central air but little or no insulation. I decided last year to switch to well placed fans rather than incur the high cost of running the system.  The external heat pump freezes up when it gets too hot - or in winter too cold. I have spent hundreds and hundreds of electricity dollars on this inefficient system.  I am attuned to the variations in temperature. Kinda nice.

06/24 Direct Link

Why is it so difficult for me to remember that when nothing comes it's because i don't have music on?

Reaching now to click pandora, keeping it simple, remembering the purpose is to provide the backdrop for my writing, not to find the perfect song for my mood. I easily redirect with distractions.


Just the act of opening the music website calms me down and gives me focus. The music hasn't started yet, but i feel it.

I haven't used this computer for a week or more for music, not since the job that became no job took me over.

06/25 Direct Link

Will it be Bill Evans? Leonard Cohen? Van Morrison? Yesterday, in the agony of indecision, i found Michael's mind da mind, an ambient mix that soothes.


YIKES it's eminem - laughing here - it's not even my pandora! oh god this is funny stuff. Nine inch nails, ludicris, marilyn manson, Tool radio, iron maiden - tooooo funny this!

listening now to the lyrics and laughing so hard all jump start writing processes have flown out the window! Interestingly the eminem song is familiar to me because my daughter educated me about the meaning behind the meanings some years ago -

06/26 Direct Link
It’s nearly the end of June now. I’ve accepted a job offer. Interview Tuesday, offer call Wednesday, scheduled to start Monday. Do I want to take this job? NO Do I need to take this job? Read sentence two.

Farah Faucett died yesterday. She was 62. She was cancer. She is dead. Her death shook me to my core – not because she was an entertainer who has died but because she is one year older than I am and died of cancer and because she is one year younger than my living sister and died of cancer. 62. Sixty-two. Cancer
06/27 Direct Link
I'm waiting now for a call from a friend. She told me we were going to a birthday event for another friend. I had called to tell her i was no longer working at the job she didn't know i was working at yet.

This didn't surprise her, in fact she applauded my decision to unravel the first decision in favor of the second.

We talked for a few minutes and then she said: meet me. We'll go. Weak from my already decision filled week, i said ok - got the where and then when and hung up - good plan, that.
06/28 Direct Link
DAMN this. this is the second time i've lost my writing by writing in this flippin' box! and yet here i am doing it again because i'm pressed for time and hoping to complete my entries before i leave for the evening.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

As i was typing before the screen went blank - no, now i'm distracted from that and simply do NOT care what i was saying.

Listening to the music now, letting van morrison rock my mood into drift - lifts you up, turns you around - puts you back on... higher ground..  mmmmmmmmmmmm.. 
06/29 Direct Link
now james taylor's suzanne the plans they made put an end to you - interesting how much leonard cohen's suzanne is the fabric of my life, but i've never thought of this fire and rain one as anything other than simply a backdrop of those times - he and carley simon and judy collins, shawn phillips and lest we forget otis redding!

which takes me back to the dock of the bay in california - back to the vignette with my step brother on that rainy afternoon of desperation when we clung together to keep away the reality we were learning was life. 
06/30 Direct Link
i see him clearly. his calfornia navy days. and earlier he was in basic training when i was in school in miami - he in jacksonville. He'd come in the night with a couple of his buddies to hang out with me, drinking some beer and taking a break from the decision he'd made.

later, it was later, when i meandered to california. it wasn't a plan, it was truly a meander. i wasn't drawn there, but i was there.

i flash back to another place. penfield, the bar at the plaza. ronnie howard. his brother ted. dead.