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07/01 Direct Link

It's time i begin again.

Life is about to get interesting again and i'm going to jot it down.

I've pushed past so much of the angst that has dragged me down and am ready now (I think!) to forge (or lurch?) forward into the next life phase.

I've come to terms - odd phrase, but that's exactly what it is - with the past that brought me here to this present.

I've spent so many years bemoaning what wasn't, what i wasn't able to do for myself and/or for my children that i managed to lose the NOW of life.

07/02 Direct Link
My issues with my father and absent mother (her death) have created the sad me that has hovered behind my eyes  - for as long as I can remember.

I've played at being independent but looking at my life full on, I realize I never was.  How angry i was (continue to be!) that he injected himself into my life with his dictatorial thou shalts. I expected him to bail me out, however! Why didn't I take over? become independent?  turn away from him long ago?  Ahh, this is then is the mystery.
07/03 Direct Link
I've subscribed to the notion that we choose our own "fate" because even if it's not a good choice, or it is the best of all of the bad ones, it still is the one we've chosen.

And this is clear: I chose the life i've moved through by my refusal to live it on my own terms - even while pretending to be doing just that.

School. He put me through school. His mother's estate paid for it, but he held the reins. My younger sister pushed herself to finish a year early in order to break the connection sooner.
07/04 Direct Link
Not me. I drifted. I've drifted all the way here. I can honestly say I never made a decision in my life.

I used to say decisions were easy for me. I just made them!

How very very, I was. I look at myself and nearly laugh out loud at how delusional i've been.

Oh sure. I made what seems to be major decisions. Going out west. Moving back east. Marrying. Divorcing. Working. Not working. Damn, can these major things be done spontaneously? Apparently so!   A life plan?  Not me! One damn day at a time. Hell!
07/05 Direct Link
I have jury duty tomorrow.  I'll dress early, drive downtown, find the parking location, grab my book and walk to the courthouse.  Once there, my metal will be scanned and noted.  Once in a small town courthouse where I was on business, the scissors i kept in my bag for emergency break-ins (that sounds much more exciting/interesting than it was) were confiscated and placed in a locker for me to claim later.  aka check your weapons at the door. Tomorrow I'll go for minimum: book, cell phone, keys, notebook, pen.  Oh yes, summons.
07/06 Direct Link
I'm astounded that I had such difficulty writing my 100 words previously. It seems a breeze now, however, I am not working. Somehow I don't think this matters.  It's important to me now to write and I look forward to it and so, make the time for it.

I'm home on break from jury duty (service is what they prefer you call it) and it feels good to do this on my break while eating ice cold grapes and slices of swiss cheese.

I find the seven minute drive from the courtroom to my home to be a chasm.
07/07 Direct Link
Chasm
Thats the word i chose and then the passage ended, just dropped off in the same way the adventure did - abruptly - once the final juror was seated.

Today is my 62nd birthday. Our government acknowledges this as an acceptable retirement age but encourages us to do the numbers to assess our life expectancy in an attempt to have us delay drawing our social security checks for another ten years. No need for me to do numbers. I've outlived my mother's lifespan by 18 years and my sister's by 16. My work has been a patchwork. No need at all - fini
07/08 Direct Link
I seem to be reconnecting - moving back out into the sunshine of in person contact. My tendency is to withdraw for months, even seasons.  I still am not making plans other than with my children but twice now i have connected with others:  july 4th for fireworks and a few days earlier a childhood friend was passing through town and i agreed to an impromptu meeting.  Granted the previous time she came through i demurred.

Last week i bumped into a friend from long ago. She gave me her number. We knew i wouldn't act on it. 
07/09 Direct Link

I'm having second thoughts about writing here again. The structure of this short form, daily writing seems to lend itself to documentation of activities rather than free form progressive threads.

I have to decide whether I want to make that happen within this structure or move to something else entirely.  This is why I broke off before when I stopped, but I don't think I was as concrete about the why of it - I simply decided one day and stopped.

Oh well, I'll know when I do. I went to ebay today and bought another coveted pen. Cross Ion.

07/10 Direct Link
It's cooler today - in the high 80s but not the high 90s like it's been. The cooler temperatures allow me more activity.  When it's in the 90s I move into my air conditioned bedroom and venture out only for a tiny change of scenery.

My daughter and I were invited to her friend's home for dinner and margaritas yesterday. We all went to the beach together in October. We've been trying to connect again but haven't been able to until now. I'm the "Mom" to them all and it's a pleasure to be included in this way. 
07/11 Direct Link
It was gradual.  My acceptance and then acknowledgment that I was done with working. "Public work" is what they call it in this part of the country.

When my job left me, I immediately looked for another. I was in a high energy job - enough work for two people.  When it stopped it was a sharp drop off. I found another quickly. A mistake. The enormity of what it meant to be in that job hit me only after I immersed in orientation, conference calls, department head meetings. I withdrew after day two. On day seven, I left.
07/12 Direct Link
I'm listening to classical music at night now - so lovely - perfect for now.

It wasn't a plan (as per) I tried pandora again and the improvement is intense compared to perhaps six or eight months ago. Pandora is cheap but i'd given it up because it was pathetic. (Rhapsody was not cheap, but magnificent. I gave it up because of my hardware shifts.)

It seems pandora cuts you off now at 40 hours/month. In the dark, close to sleep, the 99 cent re-up is a lot of trouble.


Thus the classical - lovely, dependable NPR.  (Bonus is news!)
07/13 Direct Link
I've been working on a writing / marketing project for my son today. I immersed myself in it at my awake 3:00 am time.

Projects energize me which is good because they are tedious. I am a perfectionist about word choice and the way they look on the page. (not here) Spacing and font size drive me wild and i anticipate the beauty of the finished result.

I set a deadline AND made it with an hour to spare. If i hadn't set the deadline, i wouldn't have started yet.

Did i mention that i am a master of procrastination?
07/14 Direct Link
I'm listening to a wonderful (so far) jazz station on mediaU radio which is something i tend to forget about.

I was listening to an NPR segment today about gadgets. The one that caught my attention was ear buds that mold to your ear and have ELEVEN drivers - can you even contemplate this sound????

Mmmmmmm music just gets better and better - great station.

Back to the ear buds. $300 - $1100. I've just now tried to find the piece i'd heard but to no avail. I don't give up easily but the music is so good i don't want to pause.
07/15 Direct Link

Two birds were at my feeder. Watching them is a pleasure of mine.  Perhaps these particular birds were elected (self selected?) to be the ones to encourage me to fill the feeder.

Ahhh.. that doesn't seem like such a great request.  In fact, it would seem counter-intuitive to feel a bird is making such a request from a bird lover who has set up the feeding station.

However, this summer, the mosquitoes have taken over my yard and for me to go out even for a moment to grab the feeder and then replace has been harrowing.

07/16 Direct Link
It' so hot. Humid. Hot. Unbearable. I didn't used to mind the heat and longed for summer in the cold of winter. There are other I didn't used tos.

I didn't used to mind the mountains. I found a certain bit of charm in them. When I lived there a few years ago I started to feel claustrophobic. Most people feel the opposite. They feel they can see for miles and miles and the open spaces from the peaks give them a sense of majesty. Not me. I hardly could wait to get down off of that godawful peak.
07/17 Direct Link

I've been trying to write for a bit now and it's not coming which means it's not the right time for me to write. Usually it flows and other topics tumble over the first clamouring to come out. Not today. Today i started with the heat, then went to unemployment, then to my daughter's frustrations, then to my son's hopes and then to mine.


I've been reading (my daughter introduces me to literary novels which is a good shift for me because my inclination is to politics.) I'm finishing Revoluntionary Road. Read it first. Then the movie, not the reverse.

07/18 Direct Link
Sunday night. Listening to music on my tiny mp3 player. It took me years to give up the sony components that had belonged to my father. I still have the case - wood and glass. I store my vinyl - that's what they're called now, not 33s. My year books are there, too - and the 45s. The cassettes are not. Most are in a wooden chest gleaned -no not going there now. I didn't try to sell them but put them on the street for whoever wandered by. A man was fined $2,000 in NYC for picking up a street discard. 
07/19 Direct Link
It seems i've been in reach out mode. Unfortunately that's as far as i go with it. I long for -- what? connection? without commitment? Intimacy without involvement? but strangers need not apply. This does reduce the field to microscopic numbers. Not lonely, never that -- but what then?

This year of no job has allowed me to move from the frenzy of I MUST to never again representing a huge change, yet subtle over this time. Now with my mind clear of that, what will I do with these magnificent hours and days and, dare i think it? with these years?
07/20 Direct Link
This air conditioning unit has made a great difference in my quality of life.  I've resisted moving my computer and comfortable chair in, partly because of space constraints, but mostly because I want to maintain a reason to venture out.

Now I've conceived a plan to add an AC unit to another room and turn it into an office of sorts. Add another bird feeder, move some items around and it should work out well. 

Looking back I realize this room is the one I initially claimed for that purpose before the changes began to swirl around me.
07/21 Direct Link
I started yesterday.  I didn't plan to do much--just enough to give myself a show of good faith.

I pulled the mat out from under the table and moved the DVD/VHS stand over. I wasn't going to do much--just a beginning. It was hot but I didn't think the fan would improve it much.

Today, I opened the windows and grabbed the fan and before I knew it the room was finished.  Both mats that were such an eyesore - gone! Couch cozily under the window! Computer desk and bookshelves installed! What a difference!!!
07/22 Direct Link

Moving my office back into this room brings me back to 2005. I had a memory flash just now, in my new/old office.

I'm on the phone, making political action calls,  What froze this moment in my mind is my daughter's friend's visit.  I asked her to wait a moment. She later remarked,"Your mother was just discharged from the hospital after cancer surgery and she's on the phone making calls for her political action issue????  Amazing."

Others consider things we take forgranted as remarkable.     

07/23 Direct Link
I'm starting to make lists now--important ones. The what do i want to do for income lists which are not to be confused
with the what do i want to be when i grow up kind. I had a few items on my list which all shake down to two entries: write and research.

I also do hand knitting but don't imagine I could produce enough to sell, although it's a possibility.

My daughter would like to own a thrift shop. She knows retail and would be good at it. Inventory would be inexpensive. Overhead would not.
07/24 Direct Link
There are people i've been connected to over many years. who know me well and i them and over enough time, that we step back in after lapses as if there had been none. Thinking now, there is a fourth but he has been missing from my life for close to five years now. Oddly two of them are men i have never met in person. Two live in Michigan, one in Alabama and one in South Africa. A fifth, from California, died two years ago. Our circumstances were different--his and mine--but he belongs here as well.
07/25 Direct Link
A nightmare. i forced myself awake and convinced myself it would go away. it was so real and had drawn me in so deeply that i continued to try to solve the challenges even after realizing it was only a dream--to work out the details--to make a good showing, to meet the deadlines even as the clock continued to tick and the audience began to arrive, Two advertising pieces had to be ready for this event which was now starting. I'd been handed the concepts, a steady flow of appointments and the appearance of support and reverence.
07/26 Direct Link
i feel the shift getting more predominant now. my thoughts have shifted- my approach - my attitude. before long i won't notice a shift because it will be my new norm. then the new will drop away and it will be the norm.

soon i'll have a plan formulated and starting to unfold - one to take me into next year and possibly the next. it's nothing i can rush or push - it simply will be.

the moon was full tonight but the cloud cover kept it out of sight. i was hoping to see the full moon in this summer sky.
  
07/27 Direct Link
he's getting smashed just trying to do what he's trying to do - if he attempted to do what really has to be done - and tried to do that, he'd be impeached before he even gets through this term in office and if not for nancy pelosi we would have accomplished nothing - he took nearly an entire year of this four year term trying to get consensus.  he needed to have grabbed that damn baton and made a dash for the finish line on EVERYTHING - the clean energy bill got lost on the cutting room floor. perhaps naive. he didn't understand.
07/28 Direct Link
i'm afraid that what we've done may be all that will get done - the voters have no sense of continuity - i wrote a piece somewhere about our instant gratification issues - if it's not done NOW we want to get that government out and get someone else in - well the else is not going to get what we need or even want

i moved over to paul simon now which then brought me to ray charles - a paul simon song - still crazy after all these years - and now something i didnt even know was created: ray charles & johnny cash Busted
07/29 Direct Link

I left my house today one for a quick lunch with my daughter to be followed by viewing the last season of curb, courtesy of netflix.  I don't have television and hulu stopped carrying hbo so my delay was longer than anticipated. i found that my need for instant gratification in watching last season's episodes  would have been a bit foolish and so when the netflix came, i scarcely gave it a thought.

I returned home ten hours later after getting involved in a birthday celebration for a newly minted thirty year old. 

07/30 Direct Link
It says this is the last day for writing on our 100 words, however, my calendar confirms that "thirty days hath september, april, june and november" sooooo what's the deal with july?

It has been the loooongest july in memory. the longest month, even - and yes, i know we're in the longest day sector of the year, but the longest month?

My daughter confirms this with apologies to my birthday. She readily admits she's as ready for August as I am.

Perhaps it's the heat and high humidity that's causing this discomfort - both physically and psycologically.  I accept this.
07/31 Direct Link
Here is day 31.
There was a glitch in the system earlier causing it to finish on the 30th. I'm glad it was corrected--didn't like to be that close to completion and then not.


What makes you feel all tingly and alive?--he asked,
The ocean - this right away.
Then a long pause followed by:
Being with a person i care about
then
Music

Of course the ocean, he stated. Of course, the one thing that's not a threat and gives you a sense of the rythm of continuing life.

I nodded and told him about my recurring perishing in the ocean dream