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The silly old lady actually imagined she would be a good actress. She thought she could make people laugh, cry or just listen really well. She believed them when they said it didn't matter how old she was, how fat she was or how her body wouldn't obey her will to walk, crawl, jump and run. She believed all of that but reality always comes crashing down. She needs to walk, bottom line. Doc says get weight off, lower meds dosages, get healthier, live longer. Take up acting they said, you're good at it. Take more classes for you.
Fourteen children stood in line at the bus stop. The traffic was especially heavy. One little first grader was running in and out of the street. No parents had shown up to wait for the bus. That was what the rich parents did, down here in Vinegar Flats kids are on their own. An older girl grabbed the little runner and shook him, told him to cool it and get back in line. He spit at her, ran back off the curb in front of a truck. She dropped everything, pulled him away. She got suspended for touching him roughly.
We rail at the weather, at least I do. But what difference does it make, it is what it is. This 100 words is a good challenge, I tend to be rather wordy. Starting to walk again with my cane, weight is going off. First time in 8 years, I am elated. I want to keep acting but have this fat vision of myself on the stage and it makes me emotionally hide. What a number has been done on the females of America. Our entire self-worth tied up with our appearance. I am 66 years old and beautiful.
silly silly play last night, shakespeare in hollywood. friends in it, laughter good for the soul, tall man in drag too funny for words, especially knowing him. four friends in the safe warm car sharing laughter, nice way to end the week. more writing, do a skit and reading for the radio, gospel message style, amen brother! don't have a word counter, have to stop and count every sentence. would be nice to have an automatic one or word perfect. oh well, minor inconvenience.the sun may actually shine today, i send prayers to my friends, especially the hurting ones.
I used to live on a farm.It was quiet except for coyotes, owls, doves, pheasants and dogs. Five kids made a lot of noise too. We did not live in perfection. There was dirt,countless bugs, snakes and other real things of nature and life.Now I live in the city. Ravens and crows are shot at,they are not noble sacred symbols here in the pristine perfect neighborhood.Pesticide trucks rumble by all summer to keep the perfect grass a perfect green.If an intrepid dandelion shows it's sunny yellow head, it is immediately zapped.Do not cry.
I walked slowly around the park yesterday. With my cane. Been walking with my cane, let go of the ego. Now my knees hurt really bad, maybe the park was too much? Maybe I am returning to the old tapes, that "pain produces change", "push yourself", "never give up". Maybe I will stop listening to those tapes of a 30 year old and listen to the wiser voice of a 67 year old. You know, the voice that says, "Sit in the sun, knit, read, clean your house, be happy." Listen to that voice, be content, the sun is wiser.
Dare we hope? Could it be? Has spring actually come to this blasting cold area finally? the sun is out, two days in a row, some sort of record. Weather prognosticators are saying highs in the 60's. How much of our emotional and physical being is wrapped up in the sun, moon, tides, weather? Given a choice of money or sunny days, I am old enough to choose the sunny days, you cannot buy an uplifted spirit.The extremes of sun are challenging too, I think spring and fall are God's way of saying "Get ready but enjoy it now."
Preoccupied with behavior of others. Why? What should it matter how other behaviors affect me? Do i rely on them so much? All I know is an arrogant, condescending demeanor makes me want to run and run far. Grandson felt the lash of my tongue this morning. Reminiscent of younger mothering days. He hurt my feelings, has been doing so and I voiced my displeasure. Now I feel guilty.Do not want big drama, there has been enough of that to last a lifetime.Why is it when the going get's tough I want to run? my method of coping.
The ladies sat in a circle and eyed each other tentatively. For one second she almost bolted, get the hell out of there and abandon this stupid idea. They are so self important and full of themselves she thought. Each one primly waiting to see if she could speak first. Each one knowing her news and efforts are the most interesting, most important. What the hell? Women in Darfur, Bangladesh and West Virginia are trying to figure out how to get water and feed their children. This is all so backward and screwy. Why am I here at all?
many classes today, much magic. took the character of Dakota, not nice lady, made her believable. probably not so hard as one would imagine. a.m and p.m class as different as day and night. that's why i like them both, exclusivity is not my thing. hour and a half on phone with mom. she is always reassuring me she is fine. she is 86 for god's sake and still no answer for the reason for hospital. need new dr. love the old one, he is not well. dinner with k.t., sean and ry, actually went to a restaurant! mustard seed.
Fourteen times at bat, not a hit. Coach is going to send him down to the B team, the skinny baby-faced kids. Hell, it's his senior year, why can't he get a hit? Snow in the outfield, no excuse. Mom feeds him good, plenty of sleep, trying not to touch his girlfriend, stay pure for energy. Then what is it? Maybe the fact that his dad can't stay sober for even a week. That he saw him down at Moe's with a strange blonde,that his dad can't look him in the eye? Swing at the damn ball!
The old church hymns are running through my brain this Easter morning. How many Easter Sundays did I clean, cook, dress five kids in their best clothes and attend the services? No matter the weather, the sun always managed to come out, I told the kids it was God smiling that His Son was with him. I am sure it was the typical spring weather but they and I felt a little more secure thinking God was smiling on us. The Easter eggs and baskets were already filled and found, Spike with his usual quota, the times were good.
An Easter I thought couldn't happen. It was happy.I was with my birth family and it was happy. A miracle on a miracle day.We laughed, ate like their was no tomorrow. The dogs laughed, the cat laughed, my tall, handsome nephew laughed. Like I said, a miracle. Day before was different.Always trouble with holidays when they go to their dad's. Negative energy surfaces,tears erupt,take it away. Memories of holiday's past crowd out the present. Valuable ongoing hardest to do thing. Let go of the past, cherish memories but open today like a new surprise gift.
It's the weather again. A new record for our Pacific N.W. area. five to seven inches of new snow fell overnight. Everything is white again. Our first snowfall occurred in November, the big one in December. That was five months ago. Spring is not happening. Summer will come in like a blast furnace and many times we have had snow on Halloween. That doesn't give much time for spring, summer and fall. The robins are standing in the snow looking very confused, everyone took off snow tires.Kids are walking in deep snow with no boots. It's time to move.
Day to pay taxes, what happens if you don't? Prison, ankle chains, cat-o-nine-tails? Bread and water for five years? I pay mine, have utmost respect for those that don't with an intelligent reason why. No respect for the zillionaire who pays twenty thousand and thinks he/she is being screwed. Sweden and many other governments tax their citizens for seventy-five percent of their earnings. We're getting off lucky I guess. What are the options? Socialized everything? Some say that is where we are headed. Would it be so bad? Doesn't government have the ultimate say anyway?
He came to town. My cousin the most wonderful man in the world. I haven't seen him for 41 years. He hasn't changed. He was so abused as a child and yet his glass is still "half full." Mom got to see him. It took an act of congress to pull it together. My car broke down, Sean came and rescued me (yet again). The bad car spirits follow me around like a bad rash! It was like heaven to talk to Andy, see his big smile and still that little bit of red hair. I love him so.
Day after day of doom. Made a shirt that said, "do not let me drive your car. Stayed home from classes, not in the mood to make nice and be all artsy fartsy. The crocodile cake, "ole swampy" is pretty cute, took almost all day to make, but well worth it. He does not look like the picture in the book to me, but Ryan thought it was marvelous. Ah the golden eyes of seven year olds! Hope the car will run again, have not faith in cars anymore, should get a scooter or golf cart. Or ride the bus.
Birthday party day, Ry twirling, screaming, so excited and happy. The sun is shining, Sean came to pick me up, Pete will look at the car after the party. MacKenzie is helping Katy, she is a good girl and oh so beautiful. Her independence has risen. She drives her own car, maintains it, is getting much better grades, playing tennis, even going to a workshop at Whitworth, science and math. All on a Saturday morning at 9:30. Unheard of, gives her 30 extra points at school. Yea MacKenzie. The thing with teenagers is to just give them time and space.
The birthday party is over and so is the sun. God made a deal with Ry and the weatherman. Dinner with the Tellez', very nice and calm. Katy has nice friends and they all have such darling children and babies. It is hard for her I think to not have another one of her own. Pete and Sean fixed the car,all I have to do is gather the courage to drive it. Katy says I must stop thinking that way, it is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Who knows? I have had some pretty bad luck with four wheeled vehicles.
I knew today was the day. I needed to see Sylvia. She is dying. Putting off calling, knowing death is imminent. I don't want it to be. She is my forever friend. We played drop the hankie, two adults acting silly. The basis of our friendship, acting silly and being honest. She listened to me through leukemia, kid angst, kid marriages, kid divorces and my divorce. She is a fierce, strong and wonderful friend.Her hands were always busy. Cooking, embroidering, crocheting, sewing, painting, wallpapering. She worried about my soul and if I knew the Lord. She's leading the way.
The money is an issue. I need to be able to live on this retired salary and social security pension. Funny to give sixteen years to a school district, doing all the teaching jobs but getting paid $13.00 an hour at the highest, and receiving a $300 retirement. I knew what I was doing, all the powers said I should get that teaching degree instead of Psychology. As usual, the powers were right. But that is the past, I have to figure out the present and how to live on this amount of money. Don't want handouts. Pride goeth before a fall.
Nightmare sad day. Katy very ill with vertigo, needed me to come get her. Could not walk, in such pain and misery. Frightened. Got her to my house, put her to bed, called her husband. Tried everything. Phone rang. Sylvia had just passed away. Double anguish. Called 911 to take Katy to the ER, she had chest pains, headache, sweating, nausea, all signs of heart issues, stroke or something bad. Three hours in the ER found a severe ear infection, hopefully the antibiotics and visit with the ENT Dr. will help get rid of her pain. Have to say good-bye to Syl.
Thursday. Numb. Yesterday was a nightmare. Am not sure about Katy. Am worried about Sean and Ryan. Decide to go to Acting class even though I just want to curl up in a fetal position and let the world go by. Sylvia is gone. Dan said she is in a better place, I want to believe that with all my heart. At least she is not suffering and starving anymore. She taught me how to be a friend, how to take care of kids, how to recognize morel mushrooms in a forest. Now I will make her baby quilts.I miss her.
Trying to help K.T. and the family the only way I know how, cook them a meal. Comfort food. Meat loaf, mashed potatoes, strawbery shortcake. Fattening and good when the soul is weary. Morning class excellent as always, a magical experience. Am going to forego the afternoon one. Too much. Read my "Coon Huntin'" story, sounded good. Read one of Richard's poems, what a writer he is. I have to wrap my head around this illness of K.T's and realize I cannot cure her. It kills me, mom's are supposed to make it better.O.K. God, it's all yours.
Sylvia's memorial today. Don't want to go, want to remember her picking morel's not listening to some preacher telling me how happy she is now. She was happy then. She was happy when she laid on her big double bed with her new grand-daughter Racha, I have never seen her look quite so happy. But I will go, she would do the same for me. I might even tell a story or two about her. Or maybe not. I hope some of my kids go. The ultimate sacrifice I will make for Syl, is to wear panty hose today.
Sunday. Realize Sylvia is somewhere else. I pray for Don. Katy flying to Seattle to get yet another Dr. opinion. Ryan trying to be a kid in his little orbit that only wants to play and have friends. Mom and my sister come, it's like a verbal game of tennis. Each one trying to out-talk the other, me included. They come from care and concern, but they exhaust me. Am going to cut back on classes, frivolous spending and indulgences. As the minister said, "What is my purpose and how am I helping someone else?" Raise head from belly button.
The little girl skipped faster. Her grandpa had just told her the surprise. A new bike. He told her she could do it, ride it. She was not so sure. Everytime she tried, she fell. Time after time after time. Bloody knees, bandages, tears and the stupid helmet always in the way. Crooked too, so she couldn't see. Grandpa said, no matter, we will try. He sat in his lawnchair in the driveway. Encouraged her, patient and loving. She fell about 1000 times, but finally stayed upright for five feet. They spent three hours there on a sunny spring day.
He's the coolest guy in the world. Andy. He's lived one hundred lifetimes, some ugly and awful. He has surpassed the ugly and awful people. He was there for me to play hide and seek. To protect me from wolves in sheeps clothing. To wrap his arm around me when my world ended in a car crash. As a child he did not like his red hair. Endured cruel teasing by schoolmates. One of those teasers became a good friend of mine. I told her about him. She felt chagrined. He lives on a mountaintop, as close to heaven as he can.
My kids are falling apart. It is not supposed to be this way. I am supposed to fall apart first. One has heart issues and shoulders disintegrating. One has heart issues, artificial joints and auto-immune disease. One has auto-immune disease, arthritis, body very sick. One has had cancer as a child. Funny the mother and father, their dad and me, raised them on a farm, with healthy food, sunshine and hard work. Was the soil bad? Was the water bad? Was the food bad? Was it bad to be so happy? Is the warranty up? I doubt it.
And so it is the end of the month. April has brought chaos, confusion and decision-making skills to life. The car blew up, mom got sick, Katy got sick, the weather got sick. Well,sick as in more cold and snow. Decisions to cut back on spending even more. Now it's a big decision to go to the store or not. Wait a couple more days or not. Extend the meds a little longer by skipping them, or not. Foolish but necessary. But the good always surpasses the chaos and confusion and holds me up steady to the light.
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